You start paying a third of the bills and groceries. Easy peasy.

You don't have to pay half of anything for the girl, as YOU do not have custody of her and she is not yours.

Contributing here and there is one thing but I'll be damned if I would support someone else's child when the 2 parents will not. And I would not be with a man who expected me to, while not going after the mother for CS. Ridiculous.

Keep doing it if you feel you have no other choice (you do) but that annoyance that you feel will turn into full fledged resentment in no time.

I would not marry him until this is sorted out, one way or another. Sometimes "seriously struggling" is just what one must do to figure things out. I think he needs to do that.

If I ever said that I didn't love her, he'd probably lose it
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Tell him that you love SD but she is NOT your child. He and BM bumped uglies to make that child.

Then tell him that HE needs to support her and that you feel used by him.

And FYI...he is using you and guilting you into raising his kid. RED FLAG!!

This is super duper easy.

Just stop doing it.

And what Willow said.

If you are planning your wedding have you thought about getting a pre-nup? It would give you guys the opportunity to sit down and really work out the money issues and how you want them to work going forwards, put that on paper and agree to it.

Sunshinex, is he afraid that if he goes after BM for child support, she will try to fight him for custody of SD4?

Oh crap, is this the guy that doesn't even have a driver's license? He only has custody because BM is unfit? (Honestly, he doesn't sound any more capable than BM)

Honey, you have made it quite clear in all of your posts that this is not what you want out of life. You are miserable. Get yourself out of this situation.

Really, a decent man would have busted his butt to improve his situation the minute he found out he was getting custody.

A decent man wouldn't need someone else to force him to do what he should have already been doing, and doing it willingly for his child.

A decent man would not put HIS responsibilities onto his girlfriend. He would have a little self respect. Or at least, want some and try to get some.

He should want to raise his daughter so that she respects him but how can she? Even at 4, she knows who's driving her around and tending to her needs. As she gets older, it will become even more apparent how irresponsible he is. He is quite the role model.

Ummmmmm this makes no sense. Maybe dh is worried that bm will try to get custody if he asks for cs.

If you love him and you're happy together, then just pay for everything. He's not going to change, and you're sure he's the guy for you, so why not? It's just money, and you earn enough.

If you DO care about the finances, then you have to have a grown-up, business-like discussion about it and take grown-up, business-like action.

You can't have it both ways.

Personally, I'd move out and keep him around to date (exclusively) but I couldn't take the relationship seriously enough to think there's a real future in it. Or if I loved him so much just let him live rent-free with me and keep him as a boy-toy. But I don't think that love would last very long without respect.

21!!!! My son will be 24 next month. If he found himself in your situation, I'd be livid. Thank goodness he refuses to date women with kids.

I bet your mother wants to shake some sense into you and put her foot in this guys behind.

Please take some time and think about what you are getting into.

He is showing you who he is. Look carefully.
What you see now is what you get long term.
He is not going to change his basic core.

He won't drive. He won't get a license. He won't go to school to get an education for a better job. He won't take care of his child. He foists the child care off on you.

This is who he is. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? He is not going to change. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Do not marry this guy unless you want your life to be more of the same that you are dealing with now. It will not get better. People show their best side before the wedding. This is his best.

He can make it without you. He can work. He can get a drivers license. He can take care of his child. There are day care subsidies, programs, and housing support for low income single parents. They are not just for single moms, but also available to single dads. He needs to figure out what is available in your area and apply for them. He needs to figure out how he is going to take care of his child.

Please dump this user/loser man-child. Loving him is NOT enough reason to throw your life away.

Many of us have loooooooved losers along the way. You can STOP loving anyone. Not saying it's easy. But it's the SMART thing to do.

STOP BEING SO DAMN STUPID.

Twenty-one? Sweetie, please go live your life and get out of this stressful situation, that you don't want to be in and don't deserve to be in. You are too young to be this man's mama.

He's using you. You deserve better. You're 21, successful and single. I'm in my early 40's, please trust me that this should be your carefree time in life, not supporting someone else and their child. Do not settle for less than an equal partner. That isn't him.

As far as a baby goes, you really do have time
And I'm sure you want your baby's daddy to be a good role model. That means he wants the best for both of you, is responsible and capable of supporting that child.

Eta: no good man reproduces without the means to provide for their child. That is just reckless and selfish.

I'd like you to go into the bathroom and look into the mirror for a while and ask yourself why you choose to be with a loser. Do it. Look at yourself, deep into your eyes. If you don't find the answer, then I suggest that you go to therapy to assess why you choose to be with him. There's something missing in your life to put up with this.

I'm getting dizzy from reading all of these comments but most of the commenters are right, you just need to stop. You have the wallet, you have the power. Why are you so insistent on taking care of this man baby and his child?

Fiance needs to file for support, he doesn't need to "ask" her for support the courts will take care of that. Draw the line, say I'm only paying for my portion of the bills until you file for CS. Then we can review the budget.

You're being taken for a ride girl.

Isn't it funny? If this were a father not paying, he would be raked over the coals and then some! I think that it is absolute crap that you cannot afford your own child because you are paying for someone else's! WTF? Why do you stay? You have no biological ties to that household. I guarantee you will eventually come to hate your husband and his kid.

p.s.--listen to Sally...she sounds smart.

Just curious...why doesn't he want to receive child support for his child? Is it just the thought/effort of going through the process? You could complete all of the paper work for him and mail it for him if he would simply sign it. Then it would just be a matter of him showing up for court on that day.
Even if he just got the day care covered what a big help that would be! Is the BM employed?
Maybe he could just ask her to pay for day care and not go through the court system.
My DH was afraid to "upset" his ex because she in turn would turn the kids against him. What ever!
The money is for the kids not the parent.
I never cared about money for housing, food, utilities, etc. as I would have to pay that anyway. What I needed help with was with educational expenses for my children, in your case day care. The older they get the more expensive it gets.
I agree with what everyone else is telling you. At 21 you should be happy and enjoying your life and your career. Go have fun with your friends. Let him know what you want in a relationship. Maybe this isn't what you signed up for.

Please tell me you dumped this dude, or when he said you guys where done, you really are done.

WHAT A FKING LOOSER!!

You really need to get a grip on yourself and have a bit more self respect and love for YOU. You are allowing a loser nobody who isn't a good father, Fiance, nor human being at this point, to Manipulate you in such a way. Seams to me you have a really low self esteem to put up with this.

You are 21!!! what I wouldn't give to be 21 again! (I am 28, but still rather be 21)

At 21 I was hanging out with my friends, going out, traveling to Vegas! Living in my own one bedroom apartment, by myself! Life was so Carefree at 21! You should be out living your life! not letting this man-child take away your best years.

It is very common on here that SM's make more than their DH's, Its the case with my SO and I as well. But he is responsible for Half of all Bills! Really he should be responsible for slightly more due to his child having her own space with us, but our agreement was half and half and I get to live in the better higher priced neighborhood.

He is responsible for his child. If I feel like helping him with her its my choice. He doesn't even ask unless its a last resort emergency, to do something for SD. Anything I do for her is because I choose to. And in that way I love it, I love doing things for her, but if I "had" to I would resent the hell out of both of them.

You need to seriously respect yourself, you are smart enough to get a good job and be responsible for yourself at such a young age, but totally throwing yourself to the wolves with this guy.

I have been with my partner of 20 years.

I didn't pay anything for her kids that she chose to have with her loser ex.

And she didn't expect me too. She worked hard, very hard, to provide for her children as it was her responsibility and not mine.

It is the child's right to be supported by two parents so if he cared about that he would go after the CS.

Maybe he just doesn't want the drama but he made a baby with her and now it's time to deal with it.