OT - interesting article on what helps relationships last
Forums:
I know we could all do with some help with our other halves sometimes, so I thought I would post this interesting article that someone posted on my facebook wall. It is an enlightening read filled with common sense that made me stop and think. I hope some of you find it interesting and useful.
http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-20...
This is an excellent article,
This is an excellent article, Bethanne. Thanks for posting.
I'd like to highlight the following paragraph because I think it explains what is going on in our step-homes when a step-child ices us out and a spouse allows it. Or the spouse drops us the minute a stepchild walks into the room or calls on the phone. This is why we find StepTalk. It is that these moments repeating repeating repeating in our marriages really is a crisis. Here are the details of why:
"People who give their partner the cold shoulder — deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally — damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships."
My stepdaughter is very mean. The article talks about the physiological response. I would bet if they hooked me up to the gizmos they would find I have all those physiological responses when my stepdaughter is present. I know I am consciously aware of being tense for her next attack; why wouldn't my autonomic systems be in the same condition? It is an actual disaster, according to these researchers, that our spouses ask us to live like this.
Very important article, Bethanne. Thank you so much.
You're welcome. It resonated
You're welcome. It resonated a lot with me.
The thing that it made me remember is that for myself not to "punish" my husband with my own disinterest when I feel aggravated about something. I think that the habit of being contemptuous towards our partners is a vicious cycle where we sometimes get into the habit of meeting disinterest and contempt with the same which just amplifies the problem and our partners send it back to us. I see this sometimes in the vent posts put on here that cycles of resentment are being reinforced rather than broken. I know we all act this way in the heat of the moment but sometimes it is good to get a reminder to take a step back, break the cycle and be actively constructive towards our partners.
Really great article. And
Really great article.
And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.
I need to have this tattooed on my hand or something. Although I love my DH A LOT, I can very critical. And mean.
I am really going to work on this.
Thanks for posting.
wow. what a lovely
wow. what a lovely article.
i am printing this out to read from time-to-time, and i sent the link to all the girls who work here
And if there's a miss match
And if there's a miss match together like I believe we have, I can only hope my DH follows my lead and my behaviour rubs off on him. I know that makes me sound like I'm the perfect one but I know I model a more healthy conflict resolution dynamic than my DH does. He was really bad in the early stages of our relationship ( abusive bad) and I've gone through so much sole searching and attempts to leave him and every time he improves and mKes an effort. I guess I can sort of understand why he reacts the way he does ( not healthily) as his childhood was so toxic but I do question whether we can make the distance as he still reverts back to toxic unhealthy ways. I found too that I've reacted that way to him ( his behaviour rubbing of on me) which dosent make it right... But I sincerly alpologised for my behaviour, unlike my DH.
I live in hope that he can see the Damage he does to us when shutting me down regarding his kids ( and the way he treats me regarding his kids) the way that he does. It hurts and creates divisions in the household ( SS16 lives FT with us in my house)....I don't operate that way. The last "fight" we had was horrible and over him feeling the need to protect his grown daughter from me!! Long story I wont go into to but needless to say it's created a rift now that's unfixable and I will never trust SD21 or even DH anymore. My heart is damaged and maybe time will heal all wounds? Maybe not