I was told I'm jealous and I don't like my SD (long post/rant - same sex marriage)
My situation is a bit different than the average, but similar all the same. I'm a woman who married a woman (just over a month ago now). We were high school sweethearts. It is our belief that we have always been meant to be together. She just had to do some learning the hard way. She tried to live for everyone else and be straight and married, living the American dream. Her ex husband is/was abusive both physically and mentally. He is manipulative and a skilled liar. We are actually on the verge of turning him in for soc. sec fraud because I discovered his social was issued before he was born. I digress.
So we got back together fast, married quick. We kept our relationship secret at first to the child (7 about to be 
and labeled me a "friend". Then after a few months we explained same sex relationships (earlier than we wanted... the father told her we were lesbians and evil). We still didn't touch in front of her and slowly let her get used to the idea.
The family setting was actually starting to go well until school let out. SD went to her father's for the summer. My wife and I married in July (SD came home for that, it was important to my wife she participate). Now it is a little over a month later and there was no honeymoon period. This is the woman who occupied my thoughts and dreams for the better part of 20 years, constantly depressed over losing "the one"... here she is... the SD is making us fight. If she is around, we fight. Granted, our fights are not what fights have been for other relationships, but just knowing she isn't happy upsets me greatly. I'm honestly miserable with the SD around. She is manipulative and a skilled liar like her father. To make matters worse, she is spoiled and has the worst manners I have seen on a child in a decade or more.
In this last few weeks I have been told I'm just jealous of SD... that I don't like her and it hurts my wife that I don't like her (which I never said, but it is only halfway true. I don't like her behavior). My wife is awesome and has at least started to correct some things, but since SD came back from her father, things are way worse. SD's manners are far worse. Telling me and other adults to "shut up", calling my wife an "idiot", demanding things be done with her and for her (things she should and could do on her own), when I try to correct a behavior I'm told by SD "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to mommie. You don't get in it."... ect ect
My wife and I have a history that goes back to 1995. We are absolutely meant for each other. She and I, when alone are the most disgustingly in love couple you have come across. There is no way I would take on a step parent role if it wasn't her.
I'm venting a bit, but what I would like to know is what can I do to make this better? We are in her house. It is a family home of her father's side. She is the third generation to own it. She and I lived here together towards the end of our first relationship. That said, I think if we move to my home (30 minutes away - toward the BioF) I stand a better chance of being an authority figure. SD sees this as her territory, and me a guest. She hints that she wants her dad back in the picture more. WHich is normal and I understand. I know a lot of her behavior towards me is because she has been successful in breaking up her father's relationships and getting rid of potential step parents that way. This time, she can't. Her mother and I would have married in 1999 if times were then what they are now and she didn't feel the pressure to be straight from her overly religious mother.
So I'm sorry for the rant. I have no one to talk to about this. My RL friends think my wife and I are the picture of perfect and dismiss anything I hint at about having issues with SD.
I have to say, though, my wife is good about eventually listening to me. She finally doesn't sleep with SD anymore... the child is going to be 8 in a month or so and just now not sleeping with an adult... here... when she is away she sleeps with an adult claiming she just can't do it alone. When it is her and I (and the wife at work) she has no problem sleeping alone. I never allowed her to sleep with me. Not just is she too old, but she is a liar. I don't trust her and she has been caught looking at porn on youtube, so I'm not taking chances.
For similar reasons, I haven't laid a hand on her. She looked my wife in the eye not too long ago and said she wanted to call the cops and tell them my wife punched her. It never happened. Not even a swat. It was completely made up to get what she wanted (which was dessert for dinner).
I'm ranting again, but at the same time missing so much. Everyone hovers and caters to SD but me and she hates me for it. Which is ok. I don't expect her to love me, but she needs to respect me. SD is given way too many choices imo... "what do you want to eat?" and that is what we all have to eat... "Where do you want to live?" and that is the final answer on living... "Where do you want to go today?" and that is what either we all have to do or I don't get to see my wife... "My next car will be your first, so you get to help be pick one"...
I'm basicly over being ruled by a 7 year old.
Sorry for the long post. I'm sure I missed something but will get a chance to address it in the comments.
WELL, same sex or not.. it
WELL, same sex or not.. it sounds like you are in the same boat as us. You've got the same step parenting problems heterosexual couples have which include bad Disney parenting and an ex bio parent using the child as a weapon and spy. Now to fix it - if you can, and I hope you can - you know you have to get your wife 100 percent on board or your going to be in step hell. You have to be a united front. Strong and decisive. Consequences for bad behavior. Firm rules. You've got 8 years of bad parenting that you are up against. Can you get her on board?
If not, you may have to join us in disengagement land
lol... thanks for putting
lol... thanks for putting some humor to it. I think I can. It is all in how you approach her. I asked today if we could do family therapy, she said she would but she doesn't think we need it.
I think the only place same sex comes into play is that SD is confused by it and also likes to tell me "I already have a mommie. I don't have to listen to you." My wife does tell her she has to listen to me, but she also tells me I should go easier on her (and just let her treat me like crap). IDK.. I was raised tough and I'm sure I'm being just as tough as my mother was on me. I expect some bucking from the child as she gets broke, but my wife assuming I'm just jealous and her parenting style is fine is a problem. Because her parenting style before me is to worship the child.
^^Great point^^ She should be
^^Great point^^
She should be allowed to be a child. Age-appropriate responsibilities & choices.
Deciding daily activities for the entire family? Nope. Treating members of the household like crap? Nope. Helping choose a car? Your DW sounds like a fruitcake IMO.
This is about your DW's poor parenting style --- making SD a peer, allowing you to be dismissed/disrespected etc. You've got a marriage issue; NOT a step child issue. (Like many of us here on STeptalk.)
No I meant "broke" tongue in
No I meant "broke" tongue in cheek... Horse reference. As in broke in to ride... I just meant put in her place as a child, not house leader.
I fully agree this is largely based on her being raised like she was... Father only shows interest when it gets him laid or upsets my wife... My wife trying to keep her happy to the point of not parenting.
I really think a therapist echoing what I have been saying would help. Situation is that SD knows what a therapist is and uses it psychologically against my wife... "Well, since I'm acting up, send me to a psychologist to fix me why don't ya?"... Which is new since she spent time with her dad. He feeds her all sorts of adult lines. She really is not raised right. A lot of my wife's issues come from fear of her exh... She trembles on the phone when he is mad. I, personally think if he just went away this would get worked out now that I'm here with rules.
I understood your comment in
I understood your comment in frustrated context. Reread my own response and think that it comes across more harshly than I intended. What I could have said is: Welcome. Join the club. You seem to hold "normal" expectations of behavior. DW needs to step up her parenting.
(Aside: my SO practiced "road-kill parenting" where parental unit lays down and is runover repeatedly by children/grandchildren/other family members, etc. We're working on adding some new skills to his toolbox ... like saying "No." LOL)
Perhaps a joint parenting class? Sounds hokey, but some of parenting classes are useful and DW may "hear" a discussion of boundaries/consequences more easily from an outside source.
I would suggest therapy for you and DW. You have invested a large portion of your life in all the different permutations of this relationship --- couples therapy may ease this transition. In addition, the SD may benefit from having someone separately to speak with and someone to help her cope with you as a permanent addition to the household (add the GLT/religious aspects just to make things more interesting.)
Indigo, don't worry about
Indigo, don't worry about offending me. I have some really thick skin and shoot from the hips myself.
Yes, she definitely needs to use the word "no" and then stick to it. The few times she uses it, she will get wittled down by SD and cave... So "no" means nothing more than "in a minute or two after I cry bitch and moan" to SD.
Just now I asked my wife if we could have a date night this week and she said "with or without SD?".... I was blown away at the question. She then never gave a firm answer but a sigh and " I'll look at the schedule ". We were having a date night a week during the last school year. SD would just spend the night with the GPs. I'm not sure why its an issue now. :?
Exactly. You hit the nail on
Exactly. You hit the nail on the head.
Date night with child? FFS.
Date night with child? FFS. Actually, I feel for you. For many couples, "date night" provides the adult 'glue' to help a family function. So, sorry that it's a burden for DW.
Is DW having second thoughts of about your relationship and marriage now that the ink is dry or has something major changed? Tossing it out there.
She has since elaborated that
She has since elaborated that our standard Thurs night dates are now not so easy as her mother (who was our babysitter) insists she isn't free on Thursdays. So I suggested another night... Only to get the real answer... "Well, I don't want (SD) to feel I'm dumping her off on people"
So now I know SD or the ex has said something to make my wife feel like a bad parent.
She also said she feels torn between SD and I... She says we both demand too much of her attention.
I know she doesn't have second thoughts. The only thing that has changed was SD got worse since she had the summer with her father. She even cusses freely now. We had a lot of this worked out before the end of the school year.
DW sounds as if she is
DW sounds as if she is overwhelmed parenting her child.
It's totally normal for kids to have transition issues between households, especially when households have different values & structure. Typically, give the kid a bit of space to flail around and fuss -- say a day or two, and they settle in with "these-rules-this-house/those-rules-that-house" very well. Kids bounce !
If DW is letting SD run feral ? I would guess that there's something up with DW, whether it's fear, depression, medical, emotional ... no clue.
G-Ma can't babysit Thursday or is she taking her cue from DW? Find a babysitter if GMa is seriously unavailable. Get a sitter/minder and hit the dollar movies ... whatever you do to connect.
You've got a big disconnect on your hands and I'll bet a dollar that it permeates ALL areas of your life.
If mom can't afford
If mom can't afford emotionally to be away from her child one night a week or figure out one date then she is really not available to be a partner to an adult. I know you've been obsessing about her for decades but reality is here now and it is showing you a major weakness. She's a bad parent and she's a bad partner. She just is. Sorry, but this will not only kill your love for her eventually but it will kill your own soul.
Don't know what you're going to do about it but unless this woman learns to partner effectively with you, you are going to be deeply unhappy and just more so as the child gets older. Read the Adult forums -- you'll see it just gets worse when they grow up. The only exception is if the two married people learn to partner.
What can you do? #1- give up
What can you do?
#1- give up the foolishly romantic notion that the two of you were "meant to be together" just because you were high school sweeties. It sounds more like you are in love with the THOUGHT of her than the actual person of her.
#2- Couples counseling, STAT
#3- Parenting classes, together so you can be on the same page.
I'm sorry that I didn't read
I'm sorry that I didn't read through everything you wrote. I was struck by the almost-8 year old being caught looking at porn online.
What circumstances are there that a 7 yo has unrestricted online access in the first place? What could possibly motivate a 7 yo to search for and look at porn?
Based on that alone, I'm guessing things at home are extremely dramatic and chaotic. Since the kid isn't going anywhere, the biodad isn't going anywhere, and your wife isn't going to parent, nothing's going to change. Be careful as it is a bad situation with no opportunity to improve.
Yeah I found the porn thing
Yeah I found the porn thing myself soon after entering the picture... It was on YouTube and she was allowed to watch YouTube o the tablet because the parental controls were thought to be on. It was immediately addressed and hasn't happened since. (I check the YouTube history every day now) SD claimed she accidentally fell on it looking for babies... The first few videos were of child birth (my wife is a labor and delivery rn, so that is the SD s interest)
As for her being a bad partner, I do not agree at all. This isn't my first relationship. I'm 34. She is a weak parent... But I also understand the reasons for that too. I just can't get her to step up like she needs to... She is (on top of everything else) scared of what SD will say to her father if she is perceived as "mean". Stupid, I know... But she was violently abused and threatened with losing SD to him constantly. No court would award the loser the child, but she is convinced by his bs that he would somehow win. He is, after all, a pathological liar.
Anyway, she doesn't not want date night... She just doesn't want SD to feel " dumped". Her father does that with his weekends with her... Just dumps the SD on his parents.
And how do you feel about
And how do you feel about being, well, dumped for date night? Do you count?
Well in all fairness, this is
Well in all fairness, this is only going to be the second time in a two week period that she didn't make time for just us. We did have all summer with a few days as exceptions together. I just am hoping it isn't a new trend.
I could have written your
I could have written your story, bar a few differences. I'm also in a same sex relationship dealing teenage SD15, she was the same way when she was 8 years old and we are now paying dearly for not disciplining her properly then. I made many mistakes back then but probably the biggest one was becoming a parent to her disciplining her because my partner wouldn't. If I could give you any advice it's that. Don't parent. Your partner needs to grab the bull by the horns or it will tear you both apart.
Can I ask why that turned out
Can I ask why that turned out to be the biggest mistake?
Simply put because I am not
Simply put because I am not her parent. As much as I think I am or think I raised her I am not her Mother. She has parents and ultimately kids learn from their parents. My SO is a push over, doesn't discipline and there were never consequences for actions. I tried but the mistake I made was thinking I was her parent and acting accordingly. Just my view of course. I am not taking any blame away from myself we did spoil her and I also let things slide, I guess I just thought we were modelling the kind of behavior we expected from our children, which obviously blew up in our faces.