To All Stepmoms with Adult Steps
I found this personally written account of what it is like to be a stepmom. I saved it to my computer 5 years ago and wanted to share it with you all:
"When a stepmother becomes the hate target for the adult stepchildren they immediately seek out others in the family who dislike, or can be persuaded to dislike her. Bring in sister, brother, MIL, SIL, BIL, DH--anyone who can be recruited will be recruited. The hate group establishes an identity using behaviors such as a lifted eyebrows, private conversations and visits with dad only, rhetorical phrases (we were here first, blood is thicker, etc.) to exclude the hated stepmother from activities, or any number of other actions meant to demean and isolate her in the family and even in her own home.
Once they have formed a group of haters (they are dishonest cowards at heart and could never do it alone) they distort events, and present false information to everyone thereby inciting more unjustified hatred toward stepmother. (See dad? It isn’t just us. Nobody likes her!) They attempt to ruin stepmother’s reputation through gossip, rumors and innuendo with the sole purpose of making the marriage intolerable to stepmom. They disparage everything about her, her parenting, her cooking, her gifts, her appearance, her home décor.
They instigate covert attacks on the stepmom all the while pretending they are only defending themselves against HER aggression. When confronted on their sneaky behavior they will deny, deny, deny. “What!!” they will protest, “We really like her! We bent over backwards trying to make her feel welcome!” Total, unadulterated BS. But remember the last thing they want is to be identified as the irrational haters they actually are. Because that admission would require self-examination to find out that their real issue is not stepmom, but their own jealousy, rage and insecurities
Women get married and want acceptance into the family. As willing participants, they ignore bad behavior, go the extra mile, look for opportunities to gain approval, want to "fix" problems that existed before her arrival and expect that if they love the kids, the kids will love them back.
Stepmothers have motivation to grow successful relations with the kids. If they don't, they risk being viewed as evil stepmonsters. Everyone knows she'll be demonized and judged based on how well she was able to get along with her stepchildren. Her husband will be watching to see how well she can perform also. When she can't stand the way the kids behave toward her, she'll have nowhere to turn, because if she doesn't like his kids she's a cold-hearted child hater.
So I think the SM's are motivated because they seek approval and acceptance. To the stepchildren, she is nothing more than a threat and an obstacle between the kids and their father. She moves toward them, and they retaliate. This pattern continues until she finally has enough and breaks off from the pattern.
I think too many SM's tend to blame themselves when things go bad with the stepchildren. Everybody in the picture is so eager to blame her, that she also questions herself. Nobody else wants to take responsibility for the state of affairs. And nothing changes."
No, not for sure.
No, not for sure.
It's true. Had it from my
It's true. Had it from my "adult" SD19 this week.......Locked her ass out of the house. But Daddy let her come back.
"They instigate covert attacks on the stepmom all the while pretending they are only defending themselves against HER aggression. When confronted on their sneaky behavior they will deny, deny, deny. “What!!” they will protest, “We really like her! We bent over backwards trying to make her feel welcome!” Total, unadulterated BS. But remember the last thing they want is to be identified as the irrational haters they actually are. Because that admission would require self-examination to find out that their real issue is not stepmom, but their own jealousy, rage and insecurities."
Insecure little BITCH. You will fail, SD19.
~ Moon
Not just SD's do this Bark.
Not just SD's do this Bark.
This is exactly what happened
This is exactly what happened to me with the oldest SD. She has been out of the house since the day before we turned 18. All of the inlaws hated me for a long time.. most of them still do.. I don't care anymore though. I just recently found out that she is over there with them as much as she can be. I'm sure she has something to do with it. lol.
The only thing not about my situation in this article is DH taking their side. He hasn't done that... yet. I'm sure it might be coming though.
Oh the wonderful steplife. sigh.
My DH is a Disney Daddy and
My DH is a Disney Daddy and has taken SD19's side. Yes, I am isolated in my own home. Working on resolving this issue THIS weekend.
dup
dup
DH took SD's side once.. she
DH took SD's side once.. she went to stay wit MIL for the wknd and she called him at like 1am. I was sleeping. I got woken up to yelling and screaming about something on my FB. I was like what in the hell is wrong with you! She apparently told him to watch my FB because I was flirting with someone on there. bahahaha. I told him... the phone you're holding has my FB connected to it, you can check it any time you like! (and he had in the past to update my status that he loved me or other random things)
Wow did he feel like an ass after he looked through everything on there. I showed him how to work the messenger and everything. He was like "is there another messenger that's private) hahahaha. It also took me a while to explain to him that just bc SD was on my FB at the time, she can't see my messages anyways. lol. DH deleted all of his family from my FB.
But yeah, the initial thing was that there was no way SD would lie to him like that!
this reminds me of the4 time
this reminds me of the4 time adult sd told me to my face to F off. i told to her to leave the house. she went to live at her own place and thought living on her own would be easy. we asked her for her house key. i found out some months later that dh had given sd the house key again.
Sometimes I think people can
Sometimes I think people can use the title they hold to excuse incredibly poor behavior. Whether you are a step kid (I was), or a half sibling...or a step mom or dad...they are all just labels by which a group of people are defined in this society...ex this and bio that...
When you remove the label and hold each person accountable for their own personal choices...It really puts the behaviors and actions in the light...Being a step whatever does not give youth right to act like a first class jerk to anyone...We all have baggage...but you still should have to own yourself and how you treat people...
It seems to me that that is the common problem with these broken families...People got hurt because of (fill in the blank)...so now they are catered to and excused, and their behaviors are somehow "justified"?????.....and the message they are repeatedly given is that they do not have to be accountable for anything they do...no matter who they hurt...and if that isn't bad enough...It is expected that you would hate this person or that person...
I am so sick of the hate and unforgiveness...I finally started identifying the unacceptable behaviors, and dysfunctional life patterns, and began putting personal responsibility where it belonged...to the point of disengaging from those who displayed abusive treatment toward my family, and especially those who showed signs of mental disorders...narcissism, personality disorders..you name it....
I didn't do it to be mean, and rejecting...i did it to keep myself and my family safe from harm...These are harmful people that need high degrees of healthy boundaries...They do not get to use the label "family" as some sort of justifiable reason to be able to trespass those boundaries that are only there because of their inappropriateness...
They had their chance and they wasted the relationship...That was their choice...My universe still goes on without them...I was happy before they came into my life, and I am happy now that they have been put in their place...i had to take control of my own journey and protect my family from their hate, and aggression...
Now that I have...it is SO MUCH BETTER...Funny thing...their relationship with dh really hasn't changed that much...except He is no longer the rug...they wasted that one too...they no longer get to speak into our identity..both individually and as a couple...We choose who we are becoming...we are now designing our future together...we have taken back our lives from these people who have tried to hold us hostage from the truth of who we truly are for such a long time...the pas ing is over...We are no longer indulging that sick game...
And now we are going into a season of life that will allow us to design our legacy for the rest of our children.... finally life is as it should be and it feels great...
I guess in the end..you really do reap what you sow...peace
Peacemaker,good for you! I
Peacemaker,good for you! I can so identify with everything said here. I know many say that "we come into our step children's and husband's lives, the step children didn't ask for it and we need to be understanding to the step child." I think this is true to a point but like you said in your reply they adult step children (or even young step children) also need to learn to respect for their step parents. So much goes wrong and I think so much of what does become a hardship for the step parent starts with the bio parents. If the bio parents do not allow their children to love the step parent and cater to disrespectful behavior from the child the bio parent is allowing behavior from the child that should not be allowed. When it comes to an adult child they have the will to make their own choices but that does not mean that step parents have to assume it or take it, not should we pushed aside because we have a differing opinion or because the step child simply doesn't like us or want us in the picture. This is not up to them.....my life is not about the step kids.
My ex had an affair, left me with 2 small children. When he remarried I wanted what was best for my children and I felt acceptance of his new wife and supporting her decisions when my kids were in her presence (care) was only logical. My daughters never had issues with my ex's wife. I never had issues with her and we still to this day get along fine. I would rather deal with her than my ex. With the same logic I tried to befriend my husband's ex and there was no way she was going to have it. The claws came out. She was the one that had walked away and left her sons behind. She had so little contact she did not even know that I was dating her ex until about a year later. After she realized someone (me) was in her sons' lives she decided (after 4 years, at this point) that she had to get her sons back and the tug-of-war started and this woman stopped at nothing to try and hurt the relationship that the boys' dad and I had with them. The boys would come home with stories that bio mom had told them, all lies about their past and about me which she did not know. What kind of person would do this to their children. She loved it when the boys would tell me or her that they hated me. She told them that they did not have to listen to me or do what I said. My husband had full custody, which I believe is partly what made her so mad, but I was the one raising these children and she was causing all this resistance? My husband has looked back many times and wished he could have taken her parental rights away, she caused so much damage.
I always thought that one day the boys would see thru their mom, see her for who she was and realize the lies and the disrespect that she allowed but she was very manipulative and they sought out the woman that abandoned them. They could not lose the mom that walked out on them when they were 2 & 4, yes 2 & 4!!
The lies then got passed on to my husband's family once the boys were adults and on their own. The boys now are 31 and 33, husband and I have been married 23 years and have a child of our own. The boys have made it very clear they will only have a relationship with their dad and their half sister and want me excluded from all functions. I am tired of feeling like an outsider in my own home and I have no intentions of losing my daughter to the other side too, it's just not happening. I told husband recently it is time for his sons to get a grip on reality, they need to own their own behavior and be accountable for their own actions. I am tired of all the finger pointing and all the lies and if they want to cont niue to act like this I want us to disconnect from them, not just me.
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this is the best part: "I
this is the best part: "I always thought that one day the boys would see thru their mom, see her for who she was."
the skids all now see bm for the pathetic excuse for human being she is. she is now on her third husband. i presume she is no longer the tart she was 25 years ago.
SD & BM tried to rally their
SD & BM tried to rally their troops with DF's siblings. Going to their homes chatting n then asking to borrow a pic of DF's Dad so as BM poses it ~ to copy the pic for SD. Rally all you want Tinkerdouche ~ it worked in the beginning but his siblings also remember Tinkerdouche's antics of yelling obscenities in front of DF's parents n my SD. The true character was in full force. Tinkerdouche always thought DF was cheating on her & never gave a crap who was in her vicinity ~ she would just erupt !
The judgement is in DF not me ! I didn't not change him ~ he chose to see the proper way to raise his kid with rules , structure n boundaries. It's his problem not mine ~ he can fix it. I never opened my mouth till recently about all the incidents I had to endure with SD to his siblings. I never believed I had to explain myself ~ but I did ~ I lifted the burden off my shoulders. I would get the excuse well look who her mother is n my response is/was look who her father is. SD conscientiously made her choice ~ to act like her mother. My DF's sister believes she is a narcissistic sociopath. Well there you have it folks ~
Not my monkey ~ not my circus.
This described my experience
This described my experience with SD - and Disney DH. I put up with it because I didn't want to be viewed as an evil stepmother - what a bunch of BS we are fed, huh? It took over 20 years for her to slip up and show her real colors to DH. Now I don't really care what anyone thinks of me - especially SD. Have to say it is very liberating when you finally say, "Enough!"
they distort events, and
they distort events, and present false information to everyone thereby inciting more unjustified hatred toward stepmother. (See dad? It isn’t just us. Nobody likes her!) They attempt to ruin stepmother’s reputation through gossip, rumors and innuendo with the sole purpose of making the marriage intolerable to stepmom...
Hear, hear!
they distort events, and
they distort events, and present false information to everyone thereby inciting more unjustified hatred toward stepmother. (See dad? It isn’t just us. Nobody likes her!) They attempt to ruin stepmother’s reputation through gossip, rumors and innuendo with the sole purpose of making the marriage intolerable to stepmom..
Yup…at first I was so hurt…shocked. Never in my life have I ever been treated so badly. It took 3 maybe 4 years for me to get my head out of my a$$ and realize it was them and not me and that their was nothing I could do about it.
No matter how much grace or forgiveness I showed toward them it would never undo the damage of the sick dynamic within their dysfunctional family.
It was only then that I could accept that it wasn’t going to change.
I don’t need them in my life. I have family, friends and colleagues who love, like and respect me. I pointed that out to my SO and showed him it was only his family that had issues with me. No where else in my life did/do I deal with this venom being spewed from his kids or families mouths.
Just, 2 days ago when talking about the situation did he admit that OSD32 has been a bitch to me since day 1…unprovoked. He also admitted that yes indeed is she a drama queen (shit stirrer). Does it matter? Not really she is his daughter and will always be so.
I have slowly extricated myself from them all. I no longer tolerate the behavior. I have no problem calling her or the other 2 on their shit when it is aimed in my direction. My SO has also been put on notice about the Facebook crap. Although, I may not friends with any of his kids or family it gets back to me. Next go around I will reply in kind. Trust me they do not want me to do that.
But I have taken the high road long enough. I’m done with it!
You know what the sad part is? I'm a good person. My SO & I have a good relationship other then dealing with his kids. We have a good life together....they could have benefited from it.
Sigh, I am a teacher and my
Sigh, I am a teacher and my students and parents have loved me. I have worked with children teaching for 34 years now and sure there's issues but really they shower me in gifts, say the nicest things and have been so wonderful and supportive. I never thought that becoming a step parent would be so hard. I get along with people in general, I am a social individual but Oh boy can I tell you how much this experience has changed me and not for the good.
My students still adore me but I have run out of all patience and understanding for my stepsons and husband's family. It has been insane what I have dealt with yet the family supports the boys. I have been with husband for 26 years, since the boys were 5 & 7. husband had fully custody and I was the primary care giver.
Like you, now if they want to pull their BS then they are going to get it back, I am tired of spoiled rotten brats scraping their feet on my back.
Husband and I have one child together and to me that is my family. I have two adult daughters from my first marriage and they interact with us. I no longer include the boys or husband's family in anything. Done!
I can foresee myself writing
I can foresee myself writing this in three years time...
All my previous boyfriends' parents/family have loved me to bits and included me in all things family. My ex-fiance's mom - we broke up about 20 years ago!!! - still sends me text messages on my birthday every year to wish me happy birthday!
So it was a huge shock being treated the way DH's family treats me. If they even bothered to get to know me, they'd realise I'm very good for DH and am exactly what he needs after his Ex forced a divorce on him after 10 years of hell and two of her affairs. But they've demonised me right from Day One and pointedly exclude me from the family fold.
I used to think when you marry someone, you marry their family. But I don't really care or try with them anymore. Their loss. Not mine.
Yup. My DH's family is super
Yup. My DH's family is super religious too. Weird, huh? You'd think super-religious types would show grace, understanding and forgiveness. Instead the "fruit of their faith" is hostility, rejection and judgement. They definitely read from a different Bible!
Same here, family is all
Same here, family is all about scriptures and regular church goers but I have found they are the most judgmental, most fake and most hateful of people I know.
In my case, truer words were
In my case, truer words were never spoken.
*****
*****
Catmom...if I ever told 1/2
Catmom...if I ever told 1/2 of the stuff his kids/family have done to or said about me people would be shocked and wonder why I haven't left?
It's embarrassing!
1StepForward, it's not just
1StepForward, it's not just girls. I was targetted by both my SSs. They too had been abandoned by their mother. Mom went off to start her new life and new family and left her sons with husband when the boys were 2 & 4. Tell me how a mom does that? It was also thru therapy I understand that I had become the target.....I could not understand what i was doign wrong and I kept trying. Now, with the help of my counselors, I can see that I never stood a chance to begin with.
Stepaside, I have concluded
Stepaside, I have concluded that when a child is abandoned by the bio parent the hurt the child receives is substantial whether it is the BM or BD. I think many times the child turns the bio parent into a fantasy character of perfection in their minds much like when a friend or loved-one dies. We waltz in and it doesn't matter who were are and how much good we provide for the family we cannot be accepted because we are not the parent that has abandoned the child, the one the child has this fantasy as to who that parent real is. They can't see the parent the way we see the parent, they cannot comprehend what that parent has done, their minds don't go there. All they want is that fantasy parent back in their life. In their eyes we stand in the way of that bio parent being part of their life and anything we do is wrong.
My exhusband had an affair. Little did I know at the time I had caught him in this affair that she had not been the first, we had been married 7 years and had 2 children. He was not one to hold a job so we lived very poorly, I cleaned houses and taught piano lessons to support us while husband layed on the couch and would not even take care of the kids. he was a sex addict, always hounding me for sex and would threaten to go out and find it if i didn't give it. he had a terrible temper and would rage over anything. he was not honest. Loved to spend money and have nice things but didn't think twice about trying to pay his bills and a repo was not a big deal for him. He'd open accts I was never told about had then I would get a bill in. When he divorced me to be with the older lady he was having an affair with he told me that he was not going to be one of those people that fought me to see the kids, his girlfriend did not want to help raise any children , she had 3 of her own. he left and made no contact for 2 years. he paid no child support and left me with $11,000 in unpaid bills along with a house payment.
The affair didn't last (he cheated on her and she dumped him) and ex started dating this lady much younger than himself. She was all about reunited him with his children but then came the lies. he was telling our children lies about our past, who I was and what I did all in an attempt to sway lour children to love him, forgive him. So here is my daughter who so badly wanted daddy back in her life and she is hearing all this stuff and believing that her dad had reason to leave. It was sad and sick, very twisted but children cannot see the truth of their situation.
My oldest and I struggled for years because she had missed this man that she thought was a hero. Her thoughts and memories of her dad were all super human great thoughts but they are not realistic. My ex went on to marry the lady that was younger than him and then my children got to see how he treated her the same way he had treated me by cheating on her and being unemployed, not being truthful, laying around in depression. Our youngest saw thru her dad but my oldest didn't want to and still at 34, tends to see her dad as this glamorized person he is not.
I have spent the past 28 years of my life dealing with an ex that abandoned his children, a child who could never come to the real terms of who her dad truly is, dealing with my now husband's ex who was not willing to allow her children to love me and my 2 SSs who hated me and made it well known yet somehow I feel my inlwas and my daughters feel I need to be stronger, be more accepting and forgiving and don't understand my hurt or what i have been thru. It has not been easy. I rarely talk about it but when i find a dear friend that I get close enough to tell my story to they are shocked, don't know how I have stayed. I have sat in many counselor's chairs and they do not know ho I am not drugged up or still alive.
I think it takes being able to walk in the shoes of another to understand what one has been thru and I think that is why this board is such great support for us all. We understand, we have been there.
Powerful insight on your
Powerful insight on your part, too bad your husband can't climb onboard to your thinking. I think men and women process differently. I think men probably have less emotional connection, less empathy and I think to some degree are like your husband in the sense that one mom (in their mind) can replace another mom, it's a role. We know and understand the twists and turns about emotional connection so we understand more so the hurts of the child. We are emphatic emotional creatures who nurture naturally. Nurturing is not natural to all men. Not making excuses for your husband as I completely agree with you but perhaps some understanding about the male mind can help alleviate some of your angry towards the situation?
Here is something I found
Here is something I found from another website re: about how the stars have to align in order for a SM to have a crack at a good relationship with her SKs: Young child at divorce, supportive and strong husband, ex without major issues, and child is open to new stepmom--before you have a situation where any kind of lasting bond can form.
I haven't been in the forum
I haven't been in the forum for a few months. Seems I hop in here when things flare up and I need a dose of sanity.
How do you keep respect and love for your DH when he is condoning their behaviours, (generally for me through his inaction).
We don't hear from SD23 in a year and then get a phone call, and it's like she says jump and he is 'How high'
I said, did you mention to her about her behaviour. No, she requested to meet for coffee on her way through town - his response - I will ask Helga and get back to you. I said, why couldn't you just say, I am driving, I will phone you back. Yet he doesn't see anything wrong I his response to her and casts me again as the villain Grrrrrr
It's 4 months since our last blow up on this issue and wild promises of never again. But I can't hack if, I can't handle being this stressed and my DH total lack of emotional intelligence in any of it
It is hard to keep any
It is hard to keep any respect and sometimes I even question the love. My SSs do not contact their father on his birthday, Christmas or Father's day yet they too expect him to rise and cherish anything they do and honor any request they have. I think my husband feels guilty and wants the relationship with his children but this is all it is which really is no relationship at all, their choice. I think he is scarred of losing them completely and so he keeps playing their game. Personally, I feel he needs to get a backbone and place some boundaries as I feel the boys do not respect their father as he has not given them strong guidelines for the behavior he will not accept.
Rather a momentous week for
Rather a momentous week for me. Basically threw him out yesterday after the conversation with SD23 regarding her demands and the conversation deteriorated badly. I realise I can't keep putting myself through this every few months. I deserve so much better. I loved this man and worshipped the ground he walked on. We were happy In the beginning, probably for about five years which is a pretty long honeymoon period really. looking back I chose to gloss over the situation with his ex, his daughters and my MIL, SIL etc. he really is emotionally inept. His daughters almost ruined our wedding day, they certainly ruined the days preceding and the honeymoon with the pouting - grown women for god sake!
And I have continued to make excuses for him in this situation for 8 years. Last night I asked him to leave. Well it was more of a scream of obscenities actually (oops). I have become a nasty vicious old shrew since living with this man and being around his family.
I have so much to organise, no money, nowhere to go, but even though extremely sad I feel a sense of relief.
As another poster said in this forum earlier in the week, this is an open wound which is constantly bleeding over and over, and it becomes such that it takes less and less provocation for an explosion.
Good luck with your decision x
Helga, I'm so sorry. I have
Helga, I'm so sorry. I have been going through the same as you with DH and OSD19. DH does NOTHING and just hopes everything will blow over. I have been more intense than my usual self for the past six months with DH. I don't yell and scream all of the time because it's not worth it. STers say I need to find my "inner bitch" though, lol. Sounds like you have yours! I feel a sense of relief as well, and it's very strange. I think because I'm making an exit plan in my mind for starters, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I need to go see an attorney and see if I can handle this. Click on my name, then on "bookmarks." We're going through the same damn thing!
~ Moon
Thank you, it's been good to
Thank you, it's been good to read through your bookmarked stuff xx
Helga, good for you and lots
Helga, good for you and lots of luck!! I am wishing the best for you. I am too very ready to call it quits, I have been thru too much!!
"Emotionally inept" What a
"Emotionally inept" What a lovely, alliterative way to describe these hapless men. I'm going to file this one away for future reference.
For 17 years I have been the
For 17 years I have been the mean SM. I don't feel I have ever been the most important woman in DH life and I am about done. SD has lied and messed up her life so many times and dear daddy never sees any of it as her fault. I am about done.
Done are my words too and the
Done are my words too and the very words I told my husband. We either agree and go forward as a couple united or I go my own way. I have been thru far too much.
Yes, it is a hard lesson to
Yes, it is a hard lesson to learn especially when we want to come into the situation with love and peace and open our hearts to these children. We try to understand their hurt and their pain, we are sympathetic and have compassion. Unfortunately we end up taking for too much garbage and keep turning the other cheek. Our husbands expect us to keep turning the other cheek and in many cases like you read here, are not supported. Finally we are worn to a point of nothing much left of us and we FINALLY get a backbone as we can no longer take the pain of the sitaution and we FINALLY draw the boundary lines that should have been drawn many years previous.
Thanks to all who sent their
Thanks to all who sent their good luck thoughts after my big week. I forgot to bookmark this thread and couldn't find it. Tonight I was having a bit of an emotional blubber and came across it again, perfect timing.
I have seen DH twice earlier in the week and sent him packing again both times. I know it sounds heartless but it's actually really sad, we both cried a lot. He went to his mothers, a thing he knew was the very worst thing he could do and knew would hurt me the most. She has perpetuates so many of our problems. He's still there, 10 days on. I told him on Tuesday night that I don't want to hear or see from him. The first few days were a blur as I wasn't sleeping at all and couldn't think straight but a few good nights sure clear my head. I was rushing around looking for somewhere to live, almost fanatical really trying to work out what to do or where to go. I managed to pick up some extra hours at work and that's kept me really busy with not too much time to think.
So, I am sitting tight and letting him sort himself somewhere to live, he has a well paid job and good health, I don't. Luckily, we have two houses, both are mortgaged but I can move to the smaller one when it becomes vacant later in the year (currently tenanted out). I will feel at home there and be able to think straight for a few months and see a way forward. I can't tell you how reading this thread lifted my heart this evening and I will try and stay in touch.
I am sure after sitting with his parents (ages 82 and 92) watching TV every night for a few weeks, he will be well and truly over it.
Big love all xxx
Helga, I am so sorry you are
Helga, I am so sorry you are going through so much pain for something that was not your fault. All I can offer is (((HUGS))), and hope - because a year from today you will be thanking your stars every day that you got out of this mess.