Hi everyone. I've got two 15 year old stepkids. I've been raising them since they were 8 months old. Their dad and I got married before they turned 2. I had a son when I met my husband, who is 17 now and we have three kids together. My stepkids mom died when they were born, so they've never had her in their lives. We were always open with the kids and told them about their mother, allowed them to have photos and they saw their maternal grandparents once a month. But they always called me mom and were very close to my family, including my son, who they called their brother.
In the last couple of years everything changed. They started calling me Abby instead of mom. They would call me their stepmother to their friends and people they were talking to. My husband asked them about it and they always answered with they didn't realize they were doing it. Then about a year and a half ago, they called a "family meeting" without the other kids and said they were going to start calling me by my first name and they were going to have more to do with their moms family. My husband said they were disrespecting me by calling me by my first name after so many years. He told them I had been their mom since they were babies and they were the ones who called me that. All they said was "at least we're not your responsibility anymore. You don't have to get us cards or gifts anymore."
It's been a shock. Our three younger kids are struggling to adjust to being called half siblings instead of just siblings. And they basically ignore my son now. My stepson won't hang out with him anymore. And my son told me the other day that it's like we just got married or something. It's so hard to believe because up until two years ago we were a happy family and everything was going so well. Now I'm heartbroken.
This is some fantastic advice, Echo has all of it nailed. Parenthood hurts like a mother, use your blog to vent your way through this and let them know that they are loved regardless. It doesn't sound like they are trying to be mean or hurtful, and let's face it, teenagers are fundamentally stupid, (yes myself included). Stay strong mamma, we're here for ya!
Totally agreed! Sounds like the other family may be feeling their daughter was slighted because she died & want her to have some credit (for lack of a better term).
I'm adopted and by the time I was 10, I KNEW all on my own that my mom deserved all that "credit" of being called mom because it was HER, not my incubator that stayed up nights sick, etc.
If she was a wonderful woman, I hope those who were closest to her give those boys a talking-to from Angel Mom's perspective. Tells them how wonderful she was and how much she was looking forward to them being born and the plans she had for the kind of men they would grow up to be and what she would have wanted for their childhood to get them there. Then tell them the last thing Angel Mom would have ever wanted is for her babies to be left motherless. She could not prevent her own passing, she would have been even more devastated to see her babies growing up motherless and surrounded by nothing but grief. Since she could not stay herself, she would be so grateful to know that her babies were fussed over the way only a mom can and that their childhood was full of love and happiness, not endless tears and echoing loneliness.
Angel Mom wanted to raise beautiful sons who would embrace life with honor and big hearts. Then pause...and ask them if they think Angel Mom would be proud to find out her sons turned their backs on the very people who have provided the love and kindness she wanted for them? Tell them Angel Mom never behaved this way in her entire life--what would she think of their actions?
I believe either Dad or former in laws should deliver this speech. It sounds like the memory of their mom has been nothing but honored and acknowledged in that house. There is no reason for them to stick out their metaphorical tongues at OP. They can reach for that connection to their maternal genes without biting the hand that has wiped so many tears and served so many pbj sammies. The issue they have is significant. Not disputing that. But its very significance requires that Dad give them a deft and firm guiding hand in how to handle it and process it.
BTW, I speak as a person who went through adolescence yearning for a dead father, someone I actually knew and missed. I think I have some bona fides here.
I think most teens go through a phase where they are hurtful little shits and want to call their parents by their first name. Difference is, yours have an excuse to follow through with it.
I'd advise you to pretend they no longer exist. Don't cook for them, don't do their laundry, don't drive them places and, yes, stop buying them cards and gifts.
Thanks for all the answers everyone. I really appreciate it.
So my husband and I were called to the maternal grandparents house yesterday. It was a little unexpected, but we went because they told us it was about the stepkids. We went and were surprised when my stepkids grandmother told us they had gone through some of their mothers things (husband brought a chest with some of their mothers things to our house, never looking into it, and left it in the attic for them to look through whenever) and found a diary (even her parents didn't know she'd kept it) that was written around the time of the pregnancy. In said diary, she talked about the complications with the pregnancy and mentioned how she felt the doctors were wrong when they said she would be okay. It was heartbreaking because she was so young and so looking forward to being a mom. The part that really stood out was where she wrote about her fear of being replaced in the kids lives and how scared she was that they'd call someone else mom. She did say all she wanted was for them to have a good life and that she wanted them to be loved and looked after properly. But I think the first part might have been what changed everything.
The maternal grandparents said it surprised them that she never opened up about her feelings. My husband looked a little uncomfortable reading it, mostly because in most of it they weren't actually together anymore (him and stepkids' mother). We're talking a lot about it. But neither of us is sure what to do next.
We're talking about what to do now. It's so difficult because we never, ever thought it could be this. Nobody knew their mother thought she was going to die. Apparently everyone believed she was as positive as them.
Wait, your dh and bm were separated at time of birth? Were they ever married?
In any case, it would have been much better if this diary had not been given to them until they were mature, say 35.
Too late for that. My advice is still to go with the speech I already laid out. But modify it to account for this info. Challenge them to be "mature" enough (usually is a good motivator for kids) to understand the mom's real feelings there. That in talking about her fear of death and "replacement" she was speaking about herself, the self she had in 2000, the one that was afraid. She was not speaking about them or the future of 2015. As a mother her overriding priority was for the babies, not herself. Otherwise she could have taken steps to choose herself over them while she had those fears and she did pointedly chose them over herself. As a mother her biggest priority was not herself, but them, that THEY would have a loving and happy life. She seemed to know she would not make it, so she knew these babies would need a mother which would not be her. She was banking on that woman loving them and really being the best mom ever. That's what she wanted for the future, far past 2000.
Give them space to think these over. But I think it is definitely in the best interest of these boys to help them find a way to frame this diary in a way that frees them to live a happy life. Do not enable them to wallow in feelings of self-loathing for "betraying" her and resentment toward Dad and Smom for also "betraying" her. Nothing good can come from that. Help them climb back out of the coffin in to the bright green world with a clear conscience.
If my exact words don't work for your family, I hope they serve as a springboard for some better words that do work. Just don't let them lock in at 15 the concept that their whole life has been a betrayal, led by the 2 chief betrayers (you and dh). Hopefully the ex-inlaws will help with this goal.
ETA: To help them with the concept of expressing desires for your self in the present time frame, not the future, remind them of being 6 when they said they definitely wanted to be cowboys when they grew up (or whatever). Their 6 year old selves had good intentions but they cannot now hold themselves to that specific goal. What they really meant at 6 was that they wanted to have a happy adulthood. They could not know then that they'd ultimately find they had a talent for computer programming and it would be wrong to force themselves to be cowboys just because they said it in the long ago. Come up with some other examples along these lines.
They were separated when she died. But not divorced.
We didn't know about it or else we would have done our best to keep it in a safe place until they were older. But my husband just saw the items and threw them all in. He didn't think to check.
Thank you so much for the advice. My husband and I will definitely discuss it and try to find the best way to talk to the kids.
Hi everyone. I've got two 15
Hi everyone. I've got two 15 year old stepkids. I've been raising them since they were 8 months old. Their dad and I got married before they turned 2. I had a son when I met my husband, who is 17 now and we have three kids together. My stepkids mom died when they were born, so they've never had her in their lives. We were always open with the kids and told them about their mother, allowed them to have photos and they saw their maternal grandparents once a month. But they always called me mom and were very close to my family, including my son, who they called their brother.
In the last couple of years everything changed. They started calling me Abby instead of mom. They would call me their stepmother to their friends and people they were talking to. My husband asked them about it and they always answered with they didn't realize they were doing it. Then about a year and a half ago, they called a "family meeting" without the other kids and said they were going to start calling me by my first name and they were going to have more to do with their moms family. My husband said they were disrespecting me by calling me by my first name after so many years. He told them I had been their mom since they were babies and they were the ones who called me that. All they said was "at least we're not your responsibility anymore. You don't have to get us cards or gifts anymore."
It's been a shock. Our three younger kids are struggling to adjust to being called half siblings instead of just siblings. And they basically ignore my son now. My stepson won't hang out with him anymore. And my son told me the other day that it's like we just got married or something. It's so hard to believe because up until two years ago we were a happy family and everything was going so well. Now I'm heartbroken.
so ungrateful. was their
:jawdrop: so ungrateful. was their biological mother this way too?
No. She was a wonderful
No. She was a wonderful person, from what I've heard. Everyone liked her.
Maybe... But they were always
Maybe... But they were always treated equally. And they have each other, if anyone had gone through that I would have expected it to be my son.
I hope its a phase. Kids
I hope its a phase. Kids don't know how mean they are being a lot of the time.
I hope so, too. I really do.
I hope so, too. I really do.
They said that, not me. Sorry
They said that, not me. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
Thank you! I hope it's only a phase. I really do.
Excellent, and heartfelt
Excellent, and heartfelt advice.
No, it won't be easy, but focus on those around you and the others will come back around.
This is some fantastic
This is some fantastic advice, Echo has all of it nailed. Parenthood hurts like a mother, use your blog to vent your way through this and let them know that they are loved regardless. It doesn't sound like they are trying to be mean or hurtful, and let's face it, teenagers are fundamentally stupid, (yes myself included). Stay strong mamma, we're here for ya!
I agree, that comment is
I agree, that comment is weird and specific. I feel like someone talked poorly about you from biomoms side.
Totally agreed! Sounds like
Totally agreed! Sounds like the other family may be feeling their daughter was slighted because she died & want her to have some credit (for lack of a better term).
I'm adopted and by the time I was 10, I KNEW all on my own that my mom deserved all that "credit" of being called mom because it was HER, not my incubator that stayed up nights sick, etc.
If she was a wonderful woman,
If she was a wonderful woman, I hope those who were closest to her give those boys a talking-to from Angel Mom's perspective. Tells them how wonderful she was and how much she was looking forward to them being born and the plans she had for the kind of men they would grow up to be and what she would have wanted for their childhood to get them there. Then tell them the last thing Angel Mom would have ever wanted is for her babies to be left motherless. She could not prevent her own passing, she would have been even more devastated to see her babies growing up motherless and surrounded by nothing but grief. Since she could not stay herself, she would be so grateful to know that her babies were fussed over the way only a mom can and that their childhood was full of love and happiness, not endless tears and echoing loneliness.
Angel Mom wanted to raise beautiful sons who would embrace life with honor and big hearts. Then pause...and ask them if they think Angel Mom would be proud to find out her sons turned their backs on the very people who have provided the love and kindness she wanted for them? Tell them Angel Mom never behaved this way in her entire life--what would she think of their actions?
I believe either Dad or former in laws should deliver this speech. It sounds like the memory of their mom has been nothing but honored and acknowledged in that house. There is no reason for them to stick out their metaphorical tongues at OP. They can reach for that connection to their maternal genes without biting the hand that has wiped so many tears and served so many pbj sammies. The issue they have is significant. Not disputing that. But its very significance requires that Dad give them a deft and firm guiding hand in how to handle it and process it.
BTW, I speak as a person who went through adolescence yearning for a dead father, someone I actually knew and missed. I think I have some bona fides here.
I think most teens go through
I think most teens go through a phase where they are hurtful little shits and want to call their parents by their first name. Difference is, yours have an excuse to follow through with it.
I'd advise you to pretend they no longer exist. Don't cook for them, don't do their laundry, don't drive them places and, yes, stop buying them cards and gifts.
What ungrateful little shits.
Thanks for all the answers
Thanks for all the answers everyone. I really appreciate it.
So my husband and I were called to the maternal grandparents house yesterday. It was a little unexpected, but we went because they told us it was about the stepkids. We went and were surprised when my stepkids grandmother told us they had gone through some of their mothers things (husband brought a chest with some of their mothers things to our house, never looking into it, and left it in the attic for them to look through whenever) and found a diary (even her parents didn't know she'd kept it) that was written around the time of the pregnancy. In said diary, she talked about the complications with the pregnancy and mentioned how she felt the doctors were wrong when they said she would be okay. It was heartbreaking because she was so young and so looking forward to being a mom. The part that really stood out was where she wrote about her fear of being replaced in the kids lives and how scared she was that they'd call someone else mom. She did say all she wanted was for them to have a good life and that she wanted them to be loved and looked after properly. But I think the first part might have been what changed everything.
The maternal grandparents said it surprised them that she never opened up about her feelings. My husband looked a little uncomfortable reading it, mostly because in most of it they weren't actually together anymore (him and stepkids' mother). We're talking a lot about it. But neither of us is sure what to do next.
We're talking about what to
We're talking about what to do now. It's so difficult because we never, ever thought it could be this. Nobody knew their mother thought she was going to die. Apparently everyone believed she was as positive as them.
Therapy sounds good at this
Therapy sounds good at this point. Thank you so much for the helpful comments. I appreciate it.
Wait, your dh and bm were
Wait, your dh and bm were separated at time of birth? Were they ever married?
In any case, it would have been much better if this diary had not been given to them until they were mature, say 35.
Too late for that. My advice is still to go with the speech I already laid out. But modify it to account for this info. Challenge them to be "mature" enough (usually is a good motivator for kids) to understand the mom's real feelings there. That in talking about her fear of death and "replacement" she was speaking about herself, the self she had in 2000, the one that was afraid. She was not speaking about them or the future of 2015. As a mother her overriding priority was for the babies, not herself. Otherwise she could have taken steps to choose herself over them while she had those fears and she did pointedly chose them over herself. As a mother her biggest priority was not herself, but them, that THEY would have a loving and happy life. She seemed to know she would not make it, so she knew these babies would need a mother which would not be her. She was banking on that woman loving them and really being the best mom ever. That's what she wanted for the future, far past 2000.
Give them space to think these over. But I think it is definitely in the best interest of these boys to help them find a way to frame this diary in a way that frees them to live a happy life. Do not enable them to wallow in feelings of self-loathing for "betraying" her and resentment toward Dad and Smom for also "betraying" her. Nothing good can come from that. Help them climb back out of the coffin in to the bright green world with a clear conscience.
If my exact words don't work for your family, I hope they serve as a springboard for some better words that do work. Just don't let them lock in at 15 the concept that their whole life has been a betrayal, led by the 2 chief betrayers (you and dh). Hopefully the ex-inlaws will help with this goal.
ETA: To help them with the concept of expressing desires for your self in the present time frame, not the future, remind them of being 6 when they said they definitely wanted to be cowboys when they grew up (or whatever). Their 6 year old selves had good intentions but they cannot now hold themselves to that specific goal. What they really meant at 6 was that they wanted to have a happy adulthood. They could not know then that they'd ultimately find they had a talent for computer programming and it would be wrong to force themselves to be cowboys just because they said it in the long ago. Come up with some other examples along these lines.
They were separated when she
They were separated when she died. But not divorced.
We didn't know about it or else we would have done our best to keep it in a safe place until they were older. But my husband just saw the items and threw them all in. He didn't think to check.
Thank you so much for the advice. My husband and I will definitely discuss it and try to find the best way to talk to the kids.
This is heartbreaking! I can
This is heartbreaking! I can see why they would be struggling the way they are. Hopefully things work out okay in the end for everyone.