How much involvement in parenting am I allowed??? RE: Sneaky teenage son
Gosh I know this is long, I am sorry. I just want to give adequate details, to paint the whole picture.
I have been with my boyfriend almost 2 years now, and lived with him and his 16 (going on 17) year old son. I have no kids, nor do I want any. Dad (my boyfriend) has full custody, mom is irresponsible, but a decent mom. She causes me no grief and she comes to family gatherings at times.
My issue is this...coparenting I guess. When I moved here there were a few things that came up, I found a cell phone he shouldn't have had, an empty beer can in the closet, dad handled it...he didn't want me to get in the middle of it. At first I was like, ok, I am new here, I don't want to over step my bounds.
Last summer, this kid gets busted driving his friends car w/ no license, after sneaking out of his sisters house--which we found out he had done a few times before. We are building a house and his punishment was hard labor, which he would have done anyways even w/o getting in trouble, so I am unimpressed with the lack of punishment.
He gets caught w/ another cell phone this year (9 months later)...I tell dad. He says he'll handle it. He doesn't, he just lets him keep it, saying, "oh it's not connected"...except through wifi, which is the same thing, hello messenger apps and stuff. This kid knows, that I know he is sneaky. Dad is naive, and way too easy on him.
He is currently grounded through the summer for his grades this past year. Well he is working now, and he bought himself a phone. I asked his dad if he was going to put a tracking app on it like he said he was going to before. He says, no I don't want to know. I was perplexed, I asked, well you know he was going to sneak out tonight...he says "we have had some good talks about that".
So this is my deal, he knows I am a competent adult, that even though I don't have kids, I know what being a good parent is. He complements me and tells me I am a better role model than his mother, yet I am not consulted or involved in any of this stuff with him and the son, disciplinary wise. My boyfriend knows I was raised very strict, and he was raised the opposite. My bf just says, well I snuck out when I was young, it's just what boys are going to do. Um, excuse me. This kid plays the 'baby' card, and works his dad. He knows I won't do anything because I am not involved.
I don't honestly know how to feel about this. This kid has no responsibilities at home, no chores, only to exist, play on his phone and play station. Again, my bf was raised w/ no chores, so he doesn't see this as a big deal. This kid is not bright though (sneaky, but not bright), I look at chores as preparation for life, learning responsibility and how to take initiative.
I read in another post about 'disengaging'. I have tried to say 'F' it, but new situations arise like the most recent one and I get frustrated again. I don't know if I need to just stay out of it, I mean, even if my bf asked my opinion, I know he would think it's too strict. But I don't want to bring it up, then he asks my opinion just to humor me.
I guess besides my confused feelings on the situation, I am worried by not having an active part in the parenting, even in the background, I will not have the teenagers respect when it's necessary, does that make sense? I feel the way my boyfriend is acting, is that he is grounding his son from going out with permission, but he can go out if he doesn't get caught.
Someone please tell me they have experienced something similar. I welcome input, of any kind...that is if you made it through my novel above. :jawdrop:
Your story is my story. My DH
Your story is my story. My DH couldn't parent his way out of a paper bag. I used to be involved in the parenting of SD 17, but DH is so afraid of her getting mad at him that he wouldn't follow through with consequences. She literally throws little girl fits.
DH has actually told me he doesn't want to know everything she's doing. He just wants to keep her happy so he doesn't have to be an actual parent.
Half the time she doesn't do her chores, or does them half assed, and he doesn't even bother to check. Heaven forbid he mentions it to her, the baby will have fits, and get mad at daddy.
She dresses like a tramp, and he says nothing...can't have her upset. She's mouthy and lazy. She only showers when she leaves the house. My home smells like a locker room. She doesn't flush the toilet or use toilet paper.
DH has fear in his voice if he has to tell her to do something. It's not a telling tone, it's a begging tone.
I disengaged almost two years ago. I do nothing for SD. He has to cook for her, and run her where she wants to go. He's leaving on a trip soon, and he has to take her to a relatives while he's gone, because I won't be responsible for her. He wanted it this way, so he's got it.
She lies to him all the time about where she's going and what she's doing. He sticks his head in the sand. She barely passed school this year.
My advice is to let dad handle his kid. If that's what he wants, let him deal with it all. I know what's going on with SD...I just sit back and grin. DH is in for a rude awakening, and it's not as if I didn't try to warn him.
I totally agree that chores help to prepare a kid for future job responsibilities. My SD is beyond lazy...hope she finds a guy that wants to put up with her laziness, and the odor that goes along with it.
Well, to answer your title
Well, to answer your title question - you're "allowed" as much involvement as your SO thinks you should have. No more.
Look, DH doesn't want your "help". I know you THINK you're a better parent than he is. Hell, maybe you are. It's irrelevant. This isn't your kid. Your SO does not want you to parent. And at age 17, there's not much effect you could have anyway, to be honest. If you can't respect your DH enough to let him handle his kid his way, then you cannot possibly respect him enough to stay in this relationship.
Now, if your DH expects you to fawn over the kid, do his laundry, drive him around, or do any of the WORK of parenting (without any of the authority) then that's a different problem and one that needs to be addressed. If the kid is being rude to you and your DH isn't addressing it, that would need to be addressed too.
However, it sounds like your DH just wants you to be his SO - not "replacement mom" - and that's for the best. You're in the relationship with SO, so just BE in that relationship. Leave the parenting to your SO and let him fuck up (or not) as he will. Unless it directly affects you, ignore it.
I don't think 'Disney Dad'
I don't think 'Disney Dad' quite fits the picture here. The kid is grounded for the entire summer. OP says the kid has no chores, yet tells us the kid is assisting in building the house the OP and Dad plan to live in (the kid is 16, he likely won't even be allowed in the home in two years).
So all the teen does is have a phone (the OP doesn't approve of) and play video games...I suppose these activities are what the grounded for the summer teen does when he isn't building OP's home?
What I see is very different view of the father and the girlfriend on parenting. OP was raised strict and expects the Dad to raise his son exactly the same. But being the kid is grounded for the summer, doing manual labor for a home he'll never really partake in living in and his father well aware of what his son does/or doesn't do simply means Dad does not agree with the ideas of parenting that the OP holds. OP, you can't care more than the parent does. It just doesn't work. This Dad was a bit of a rebel himself as a teen and well, one can't lock a teen in a cage. Is it 'right' that the teen is sneaking booze and creeping out of the house? No. Short of chaining the kid to his side 24/7 I'm not sure what exactly else you expect Dad to do. Suddenly conform to your view of raising a child and only your way? The kid is grounded and doing manual labor now, yet you don't feel the kid is disciplined nor faces consequences because you'd do what? What else would you do 'better' and 'different' than Dad? If Dad took the phone away and the video games would it really change much?
You spent quite a lengthy post telling *us* how you disapprove of Dad's parenting, but you never really said what/how you'd do it all different and get better/different results.
I agree. I'm also lost as to
I agree. I'm also lost as to why a 17 yr old can't have a phone? I'm not into kids who aren't in hs having phones, but I don't know why 17 isn't old enough.
He has a job, does he go to school? get decent grades? stay out of big trouble?
Teenage drinking is going to happen, and a teen, esp one who is so sheltered they don't even have a phone, is going to sneak out (otherwise when could he do anything at all?).
Overall, you need to mentally disengage more. He isn't your problem or responsibility. If you can't, move out until he's an adult.
You should definitely have
You should definitely have the 'what will the kid do when he is 18' talk. Have clear expectations of what will be expected of the man/child when he is 18 and graduates high school.
A lot of us have been in this fight for years, you at least, know that soon the man/child will be an adult. Find an outlet or hobby so you don't have to be involved with SS or worry about what he is doing wrong.
Teen boys sneaking out happens a lot.
Echo and Ally have the right
Echo and Ally have the right idea here; you don't need to parent and it definitely doesn't sound like your bf wants you to parent, really. I've taken up a parenting role with my osd17, that was something that dh and I talked at length about. With his other two though, not my kids, not my issue, he handles them, (the other two in question only come over two to three times a week, osd lives with us full time and has a host of issues with Voldemort). Unless the kid is disrespecting you, or anything along those lines directly, let it roll off your back, sister. Osd, for example, is a MAJOR PIG, used to drive me INSANE. I chose to drop that issue when her grades went from Ds and Fs to As and Bs, she got her summer job, helps out with the her brother and my dd, (both 9), assists with grocery shopping; yes she can be obnoxious and mouthy, but these are small potatoes compared to what I started with.
With the other two, ss9 has some serious self-esteem and anger issues; when I see him act up, I get dh. When ysd wants to screw around and miss curfew, dh and Voldemort can handle it, not my kids, not my probs. Hope my rambling helped as least a little lol
My story is a bit different
My story is a bit different as my DH can be really strict then permissive 5 mins later.
My SS15 (nearly 16) being raised is like watching a train wreck. We have SS15 24/7 365 days a year. BM put a restraining order on her own son to "teach him a lesson"......what is the lesson BM? For SS15 to always worship the ground you walk on, dont have an opinion, dont drink despite you leaving him for weeks on end unsupervised (taking himself to school) while you live 30 mins away with your boyfriend and then get shitty when you find alcohol in his bedroom, then rip him out of living with his father only to drop him off to live with friends who are literally feral (unemployed and on drugs) all because you dont want your ex to have your son so it looks better in court for you?? Way to go BM for screwing up your kid too.
Meanwhile, I just dont get involved or say a thing unless the bathroom is dirty or SS15 sleeps yet again on the couch as he is too lazy to go to his own room.
So between DH's inconsistent parenting and BM's narcissistic borderline personality, SS15 is bound to be a fuck up. Not my circus not my monkeys.
Just go about your own life and control the things you can control...YOU.
Thank you for saying to not
Thank you for saying to not get married! I get worried with this one; my boyfriend has 3 marriages under his belt and admits he has always just 'settled'. He does not pressure me in this area at all. I have never been married because I do not want to be hasty in my decision and do not want to do it more than once. However, in regards to where you are coming from with your advice, I have thought of this as well...our relationship is awesome outside of this kid/parenting thing, and the only thing that would come between us, would be that. But I think at this point, that would only happen if I let it happen, which I am going to try my darndest to accomplish. I know different parenting views can come between partners, step kids or not, so since I am not a biological mom, I have the opportunity to do the disengaged thing, which is going to be my main goal now. I wish they made a vitamin for that.
Thanks again Sally!
I know exactly the
I know exactly the frustrations you are experiencing, because I'm in the same situation. My wife made poor grades in school and pretty much did what she wanted, while I had a lot higher expectations from my parents. It's amazing how this influences you later in life, and how you parent a child.
I won't go into all the details, but it sounds just like your story. I know just how you feel - it's a tough spot to be in, because I feel like I can't be the one to "lay down the law" to my stepson, or he will just get very resentful of me and respect me even less. So, I have to point out his bad behavior to his mother, who generally tends to think it's not that big of deal. I often think if I were his real father, things would be much different. I would not take any of the crap that he pulls, and he would have learned from a young age to be respectful, maintain his grades, and do the things expected of him.
But, this is where we are. I decided a while back to just let it go. It's basically what the others have talked about: disengaging. I don't care anymore - after all, what difference will it make? I have tried to talk to my stepkids in a rational manner before, and they didn't listen to a word I said. So, I'm done. It's that simple. That's not to say I will ignore everything - I won't be disrespected in my house and there are a lot of activities that I won't tolerate if I know about them. But otherwise, it's not up to me. Just let your boyfriend handle it, and you do the things you like and not worry about it. It's not your responsibility anyway. All it will do is add a ton of stress to your life if you try to stay really involved.
Eric
He's parenting exactly the
He's parenting exactly the way he wants to, and I didn't read where he asked your advice.
Not trying to be mean, but I wanted to be blunt in hopes that you might see my point. Why do you feel an obligation or an inclination to try to move in and at 17 years old try to completely overhaul the way this dude parents? It isn't going to happen!
Did you have a problem with his parenting before your marriage?
We're not married, and I
We're not married, and I don't want to overhaul his parenting. I am an admitted control freak in certain things, so I guess I felt that I wanted to contribute just because I feel it would benefit the kid. But you make great points, and I know I need to just back down. He doesn't ask my advice but he knows where I stand, because we have had a couple conversations where I gave input and I was a bit harsher than what he planned to do/or did. So I am getting there, turn off my 'control' button on this issue and flip the disengage switch to overdrive!
Thanks again.
Hello everyone, and thank you
Hello everyone, and thank you for all of the not-mean, blunt and straightforward input. I am not at all offended. You all have made some awesome and VERY valid points and reassured me that me NOT bringing this matter up to my boyfriend was the right thing to do. I have disengaged in some areas, but it's obviously an ongoing task.
To those of you that mentioned my problems are not so bad considering his age and that he will be out of the house soon, yes, I am not trying to be woe is me, I realize it could be much worse and I pray for you that do have a longer road in front of you.
I know one of you mentioned I criticized my boyfriends parenting but gave no input as to what I would do differently...and this is why I don't want kids. I am at a loss when it comes to certain things, I guess I would be more strict, but I know there is a fine line to being strict and pushing them away to act up even more, even though your intent is to have them be successful in life and just make it through high school. So yeah, I just need to back off, keep it to 'whatever' and let it roll off my back.
It could be worse, but I guess this still being kind of new to me, some situations just get to me more than others. As for a teenager having a cell phone, I feel it's an earned privilege, one that he has not earned, however, that is something I am now 'disengaging' from.
I don't think boyfriend is a disney dad, but has some traits of one, feeling guilty for the past step moms he has put his kids through, and their loser mother. But that is no excuse to go easy on a kid. But whatever, that is irrelevant now!
Dad has said he will be moving out at 18/after high school graduation, and I guess that's why I get so annoyed at his lack of chores...when he moves out, I want him to go and be free...cut that umbilical cord! But I know that's no guarantee with any child, so again..."Liz Disengage!" 
Gosh, I give you all credit. Thank heavens for a forum like this where everyone can vent and get views and input. I really appreciate the crystal-clear input and your honest feedback. I feel better, less alone and a little more empowered. Like you Eric, outside of blatant disrespect or uncalled for behavior in the house, I will start to not do anything regarding parenting, and let boyfriend deal. It's too stressful otherwise, to worry about something you can't change.
Ok, thanks again people, you are all awesome! I can only root you all on in your own journeys and situations, and I hope the best for all of you, because we all know we are good people who care about the people in our lives, and want the best for them, and do things because of that.
Have a super Friday and weekend! 
Liz
Yes I do find myself focusing
Yes I do find myself focusing on the negatives and I definitely don't voice them. I also have mentioned none of what I've discussed in this post with my boyfriend. That's why I wanted and needed to hear from people who could relate to me, or that I could relate to. I knew I was out of line but I wasn't sure how, but now I see the light.
And yes, step kid is respectful, we get along decently, I was just worried about becoming a doormat to him. But I don't bow to his every request either. So I guess this is just an ongoing adventure.
I will focus on my relationship with SO and walk away when parenting occurs
Thanks for the wise words