Dealing with expectations of SO...
My situation isn't typical for a host of reasons. I am a woman, married to a woman who had a child with another woman. We share custody with her ex, one-week on/off. It's been pretty good, been together 5 years, married for 3-1/2 years and while it was rocky at the start, it's good now. We all get along, we all have done very well with being adults and making an effort for my step son. He's a happy, well adjusted kid.
But... there is only one thing that is a challenge for us and I was wondering how other couples deal with this. When I met my wife, I didn't do the typical "mistakes" if you will. I was very hands-off, I didn't want to be his mother, I didn't want to take over or try to force any agenda. I read tons of articles and educated myself the best I could. And that proved to be very helpful. Her ex was able to maintain and grow in her relationship with her son. My step son and I have never had any anger or issues between us. He likes me and I like him. But, my wife wants more from me. She wants me to be more attached, more involved and honestly, wants me to bond to him like she has. And I don't think it's really possible. He's almost 10 now, he has two parents. He has me and her ex has a partner now. So he has "4 mommies" effectively. Our marriage is great, we have a great relationship but she seems chronically disappointed that I don't make him the center of my life. I've tried to explain to her that as a step parent, that's not going to be my role and nor should it be. And honestly, I don't want that. I love him and we are a family but I didn't marry her for him, I married her, for her. And it's like she can't seem to understand that she and her son are two separate entities. I don't treat him poorly or anything like that, but I just don't wake up everyday thinking about him. She does, of course but I don't. And it seems to make her very sad and disappointed. And I feel like no matter how many times we talk about it, she can't seem to shake this idea/feeling.
She works part time, but 12
She works part time, but 12 hours shifts. I work full time, 8-5, M-F so some days I drop off, pick up, some nights I pick up, dinner, read to him and put him to bed because she's working past his bed time. So we have time together by virtue of the schedule. I go to his plays, his school events, etc. But I feel like it's still not enough sometimes. We do trips together, state fair every year, beach, etc. But I also like to plan trips with just her. We need time as a couple too. And I think she feels guilty when we do stuff without him and I don't. For me, both times are different but that's because we share custody and have time we have is divided but that's just the way divorce/shared custody works.
^Correct^
^Correct^
I had a conversation with my
I had a conversation with my SO telling him that I love his kids but not the way he does and I never will love them the way he does.
I told him that he loved them before they were born. He should be glad that a non-bio adult will never have that same bond with his children because BM will get married again but he will always be DAD (and she did last Thursday).
He agreed with everything I said.
BUT....
There will still be times when he will say to me "You are too hard on them" "He/She is just a little boy/girl"....something along those lines.----BTW they both weight more than I did when I graduated HS. They are not little any more.
I have to remind him that I don't have that Bio Love that makes them forever "my babies". I am harder on them because I don't have that same love that he does. It's hard to explain. I do love them, but I could never see them again and be ok with it. I might miss them but I wouldn't be devastated like SO would.
Intelligently, he gets it, but sometimes he's heart leads and he forgets that I will never love them the way he does.
Maybe, this is where your DW is. She gets it but she doesn't. Maybe Bio parents never get it because they love their kids so much they can't understand someone else not loving them as much.
^ Good points. I think some
^ Good points.
I think some people might already know that my osd16 lives with us full time...I NEVER expected to bond with her like I have, but it happened. I honestly do love her as one of my own bios. My other two skids come back and forth a couple of days a week, I feel the same way Ninji does about her skids. The point is, no one controls their emotions and it does sound like your dw, "gets it but doesn't" and it's absolutely unfair for her to demand that sort of bonding between you and your stepson. It sounds like y'all have a good thing going in the house, maybe redirect her attention to how well adjusted and happy he is rather than her focusing on you not being as bonded as she is with your ss. And she's a lucky girl to have someone so dedicated and honest, not many people have that. Good luck!
In general, thanks so much
In general, thanks so much for posting. I was starting to think I was being unrealistic but everything I read, said exactly what I felt was in my heart. My relationship with him was gonna be, what it was gonna be. I have never tried to "make it" anything. It's developed on it's own, at it's own pace. I felt that was important for him, to let him open up as he felt ready.
I love him, very much and I want to see him grow into a good man that we all will be proud of. He's never expressed any kind of discomfort with me or anything like that. If anything, he is enamored with me at times. I work out a lot, compete in races, can fix stuff around the house, fix the lawn mower, fix my car, so I am not the typical woman that he sees. My wife isn't very athletic/mechanically inclined. So I am very different than the group of us. And I think he's curious about that and cheers me on. I think we have a great relationship and I don't want to mess that up by trying to be something we're not. He knows I am not his "mother", I don't need to try to pretend to be, he knows better.
Thanks so much! It's great
Thanks so much! It's great to hear that my approach can yield good results. And you're right, I don't discipline him like she does, make rules or make him do things. I have a very short list of things I don't like, and he knows them well. They are simple and very fair. No yelling, gesturing or bullying. I don't yell, my wife doesn't either. We both have really easy temperaments. In fact, my wife has the patience of God, I swear! If you are angry go in another room, go outside, walk it off, but you don't have the right to posture, yell or threaten. That's it. I only step in or say something when he's really getting worked up. And now I only need to give him a look and he dials back his anger. And that's good because he is a boy, we're both women and I don't want him to be in the habit of taking his anger out on us. But I also back her up, 100%. If she says NO, it's NO. If she says YES, it's YES. Even when I don't agree, I have her back. We always have a unified front and to me, that's paramount to his sense of stability. More than me trying to be her equal.
I hope in time she can let the idea go... he's close to puberty so we're gonna have plenty to deal with down the road..
No one should make a child
No one should make a child the center of their life. Not mom, dad, or anyone else. Period.
Sure a child is an important part of the parent's lives and even the main responsibility but the center ..... never. That is unhealthy at best, an sick at worst.
You have the right perspective IMHO. Keep doing what your doing. My SS-22 has been a major part of my life since his mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old and I am proud to have raised him as my own. But he has never, nor will he ever be the center of my life or even of my bride's life.
People who make their kids the center of their lives have sick movies made about them. :jawdrop:
IMHO of course.
My dog is the center of my
My dog is the center of my life...but mostly because he's a puppy and likes to pee everywhere because he's so excited to be alive lol...I should've named him Hodor.
What is it with people who
What is it with people who divorce, and then go on and what to re-create a "first family" fantasy with the new partner?
I will never wrap my head around this.
I think Rags hit the nail on
I think Rags hit the nail on the head. For me, children are very important but not the center of the universe. I think it can cripple their ability to emotionally grow up. I work full time so she doesn't have to. So she can be there to raise him and spend time with him. So our weeks with him are time well spent. But she does have the "children come first" mentality. But she did realize her mentality contributed to the destruction of her previous relationship. They did not make their relationship a priority and it didn't survive. So I think she's torn between wanting us to have a strong marriage but then feeling guilty that her son doesn't have his parents together in one place any more. Like another post said, trying to re-create a "first family", I think it stems from guilt. The guilt of leaving the previous relationship behind and seeing the consequences of that decision falling on you children. So wanting to re-create it assuages the guilt. But it's not realistic and ultimately, it's not going to happen. Not the way she wants it to happen. And we've talked about, a lot. And after she reached out to numerous coworkers & friends, I think it's becoming clearer. We have a really, really good situation. No drama, we all get along, he's a happy kid and she needs to let it go. But the letting go of that has been hard and seems to hang around.
Tell her to come and read
Tell her to come and read here and see the horrors of stepparenting. Maybe then she'll be happy that you have a good relationship with your SS and everything is quite nice in your stepworld and leave you be.