Overwhelmed - How Do I Do This?
I am lost. My fiance and I just moved in together (with my 11 year old girl, his 6 year old girl, and his 2 year old boy - he has sole custody). The 2 year old, even with potty training and high energy, is great. The 11 year old is handling it like a champ, other than the rare hormonally-fed jealousy trip.
My great challenge is my fiance's 6 year old girl who is still reeling over her mother's abandonment a year ago, that lead to her parents' divorce. Unlike my tough girl, this child whines, cries, manipulates, and clings like she was professionally trained to do so. I'm having a good deal of trouble bonding with her because when she doesn't get the attention she wants/needs, she acts out (example: to include stealing her brother's pull ups and using them, then trying to blame the idea on MY 11 year-old daughter, who I then feel protective over).
I understand that she's faced an incredible blow and, having been abandoned by my own mother, I understand her perspective. I also know how bad it feels to be raised by a step mother who openly favors her own children over me - it sucks to this day and I will never be like that. I do know the reason she is so needy and why she wants so much of my attention - but I'm afraid I may grow to resent her, how much energy she takes from me, and how much of my attention she takes from my own daughter. I feel drained and overwhelmed, and I don't even want to go home.
I feel if I can bond with her and help her feel more secure, she won't be so needy and she won't act out toward my daughter, but it is so hard to bond with her and get past her manipulations. Honestly, I don't know what to do to prevent it from tearing apart the family that we're trying to build.
My skids were 12 and 10 and
My skids were 12 and 10 and their mother is quite present so my situation offers pretty much no wisdom for you other than that it's fantastic and crucial that your dh has great boundaries and expectations.
The only other thing I got is that you might try giving her a way to channel her anger. When my nephew was 3 he had a great big teddy bear he could hit and kick all he wanted. That greatly cut down on his hitting his sister. Something along those lines. Maybe art for your sd, get her to draw what she's angry about. You may learn a lot. When she starts acting dreadful, get out her drawing pad and put her in a room by herself. Maybe that's a terrible idea, I don't know. But there are plenty other stepparents here with situations more similar to yours that will come along and have some brilliant advice.
BTW, I assume you and your dh have explored the idea of some professional help for her.
^^^ I like the idea of
^^^ I like the idea of another way to channel her emotions, like drawing, and think that's an idea that's worth exploring.
Bumping for op since I
Bumping for op since I believe she's here right now.