Confused and hurt
My DH and I have had our differences over the 7 years we've been married. Ranging from money, sex, communication, etc., we just constantly argue. My SD has been a big problem ever since she had a baby at 14. Over the last year, things have declined significantly. She turned 18 last year and graduated high school. We took her and a few friends on vacation and paid for the rooms. They were responsible for buying their own food, souvenirs, entertainment, etc. A month before we left, DH and I discussed this would be an all girl's trip. In that month, she decided to invite a few guys and DH approved this and upgraded their room to a suite. He tells me this the night before the trip. I declined to go and got accused of ruining vacations, etc - long argument ensued and I ended up going but wasn't too enthusiastic about it. We get there and one of the guys is 21 so he buys them cases of beer and liquor. They spend the entire vacation wasted, trash their rooms, pass out in random places, and post pictures of all the ridiculous antics on social media. I got very upset by this and another argument ensued - somehow I was to blame for their actions. I began to pack to go home but he begged me to stick it out and said it was the last big family vacation. I stayed but it was the worst trip I've ever been on. We had problems over Christmas with him spending 3x what we agreed for budget to spend on her and the grandchild and lying to me about it (I pay the credit card bill so lying about the spending is really pointless). In February, I saw a statement for hotel rooms at the same place we stayed last year. I was very confused by this since he and I had not yet discussed vacation plans and I was under the impression from last year that her travel plans from that point on would be at her expense and that was a "gift trip" to celebrate her milestones. He had also assured me he and I would be travelling more together so I was pumped for the summer. I thought he'd explain these hotel charges but he never did after 2 weeks. I confronted him with it and specifically asked if he was paying her way for vacation and he said no. I know when he's lying and this was an outright lie. I looked through his text messages with her and found where they were "so excited" for this trip and it would be the "best trip ever". I was pretty hurt that he'd lied and was apparently planning a vacation without me. I again confronted him and he owned up to it and said he wanted me there. I wasn't very convinced since he lied about it and only invited me after I had undeniable proof. It felt like a pity invite. With all the other problems we've had compounded now with lying and the seeming desire to do things without me, I urged him to move his things out of the house. He said he still held out hope for us and wants us to remain married (said he'd refuse to sign divorce papers), but he hasn't contacted me since he moved out and that was about 6 weeks ago.
I'm primarily complaining here but any constructive feedback is welcomed. Am I being totally silly to be so hurt? I have no idea what to do next since he doesn't seem interested in building the marriage nor in a divorce. And how do you resolve the problems or compromise with someone that doesn't believe there's a problem? How do you trust someone again that lies to you to avoid conflict? I love him and I don't want a divorce but she's not going anywhere and I feel like my only option is to leave and allow them to continue their oddly marital type relationship. Their "marriage" to each other is actually better than his with me because they have better communication, he shares personal details of our marriage with her, and while they don't have a physical relationship, neither do he and I. I get treated like the child in that he admonishes me for decisions or behavior he disagrees with. My head says "get the f**k out" but my heart is stubborn!
You're dh is an enabler. And
You're dh is an enabler. And there is no damn way I would stay with a man who allowed underage drinking! He's setting you all up for a nice, long jail sentence.
Run. As far and as fast as you can go... This will NEVER end well.
Yes he is. I think he's
Yes he is. I think he's always felt guilty over the bitter divorce with is ex, but this kid has no boundaries! I brought up the jail subject and he said I was being dramatic - apparently all kids do it and she's a legal adult and therefore responsible for her own consequences. I've got too much to lose professionally over her stupid a$$
Who is taking care of the
Who is taking care of the grandchild while she is out on these vacations getting drunk?
SD's BM takes care of the
SD's BM takes care of the grandchild while SD works, goes to school, and gets drunk with friends on the weekends. She's a mom when it's convenient or when she's in between boyfriends.
Don't...she loves the drama
Don't...she loves the drama
If he hasn't made contact in
If he hasn't made contact in 6 weeks, then he's done. Chances are he has been done for a while now, but was just waiting for you to pull the trigger. More than likely he's seeing someone else by now.
Proceed with the divorce and focus on you.
I doubt he's seeing anyone
I doubt he's seeing anyone else but I think he's waiting for me to decide one way or another. If I told him he could move back in, he would.
Get a Divorce I know its not
Get a Divorce
I know its not easy for you to do and easy for me to say. Marriage number 2 for me and my one regret in life is i did not leave and divorce my 1st husband soon enough. there is life out there and you have to move on. this is not a healthy relationship and will end sooner or later when you will have had enough. Like DisneyFan said Proceed with the divorce and focus on you. been there done that
thank you
thank you
I'm sorry you are hurt. Now
I'm sorry you are hurt. Now is the time to get pissed. He is making it pretty obvious that he was more with you for convenience than anything else. Otherwise, why the hell would he not contact you in 6 WEEKS??? Even in our worst fights, I don't think my DH and I would have cut off communication for 6 HOURS.
It doesn't matter whether or not he signs the papers. Go file. It will give you some of the closure you need.
Who the hell allows their teen-mom daughter to drink when she is still underage? He must love being a young grandpa and I see many MANY more in her future the way she is allowed to run wild. Which exponentially increases the spending on the sly he is doing.
For me, bold faced lies like that are totally a deal breaker. Not to mention allowing mini-wife behavior. Not to mention him having a daughter pregnant at 13 or 14. I thought it was bad enough when mine was preggers at 16!
his excuse for no contact
his excuse for no contact would be something like "i thought you wanted space so i was just giving you what you wanted" or "you could have picked up the phone and called". she's already had another pregnancy scare with one of the guys she sees regularly (not the child's father). i don't care that she acts like a wild teenager - my problem is the fact that he doesn't give a crap and allows it to continue but he says shes and adult now and can do what she pleases.
they've always been
they've always been separated.
thank you, i wish it were
thank you, i wish it were easier
I am sorry that you are going
I am sorry that you are going through this but use your head and leave. 6 weeks and nothing? Not in the realm of what I would put up with.
thank you
thank you
yes, he has said before that
yes, he has said before that she must come first but she's legal now so i should be #1
oh i'd tell her to run away
oh i'd tell her to run away for sure but it's much easier to give than to receive advice even when you KNOW what's best. i tolerated for so long because i thought things would change when she came of age. they didn't. finances have always been separated.
He says he doesn't want a
He says he doesn't want a divorce but has not contacted you in 6 weeks. Believe me, he is up to something and doing his own thing.
For all you know, he's getting his ducks in a row to divorce you instead of letting you divorce him. I would not sit by, letting him rack up marital debt and whatever else, so that I could be blindsided.
My SD's ex husband stopped coming home for weeks, told her some lies about why (having to do with work, she's not real bright). But he had taken her out for Valentines Day and things seemed fine so she believed his bullshit. Turns out, he had already filed for divorce BEFORE Valentines Day. She found out 2 months later from her FIL (obviously, she had not been served yet).
I would not trust this husband of yours AT ALL. You have no idea what he's doing.
he's likely working non stop
he's likely working non stop to make more money to spend on her. i would be fine with it if he filed for divorce. does it really matter who petitions?
great! thank you!
great! thank you!
lol, wonder what he'll do
lol, wonder what he'll do when she gets herself a real husband?
He'll do the same stuff he's
He'll do the same stuff he's doing now. Chanced are his SIL will love it. Honestly, who wouldn't love to have a father in law who is willing to fund fun vacations,hand over money to help out,(and pretty soon the granddaughter will be getting the same treatment)....?
that actually sounds awful to
that actually sounds awful to me but i don't take hand outs and wouldn't want intrusive inlaws...she'll likely marry someone like her though so it will be win-win for them all
Get the divorce and move on.
Get the divorce and move on. He is not worth it. That kid and that grandkid will always be a problem. He let her drink at 18 and have boys in a hotel room. He learned nothing from her getting pregnant at 14. Absolutely sick and they sound like trash and you can do better and deserve better.
he says she's 18 and can make
he says she's 18 and can make decisions for herself...even though she's never shown any GOOD decision making. her mother is definitely trash and encourages this behavior from her kids because she wants them to be at her level. i've reported her to the law where they live, but there's so much underage drinking, drugs, etc. that no one cares
Immediately close all joint
Immediately close all joint bank accounts, withdraw the money and place in your own account. Then file for a legal separation as soon as possible. BEFORE he does. My first husband told me he was not coming home again. This was AFTER he withdrew all of our money out of the bank, left me broke with two kids and I had no job. Don't let this happen to you. Several of the posters have told you he is up to something if he hasn't contacted you in 6 weeks - I agree. The next time you see him could be in the paper for supplying liquor to minors. You will be lucky to get rid of this joker fast.
we've never had joint
we've never had joint accounts. why does it matter who petitions for divorce/separation? someone previous said that too. we have no kids and i've always been financially independent so i'm not worried there.
It matters if you file for
It matters if you file for separation because until you do you will be responsible for half of anything and everything he charges on his credit card. It doesn't hurt to just call an attorney and ask if you don't believe me. When my ex left I filed immediately for separation and avoided losing a lot of money.
no, i believe you - just
no, i believe you - just didn't know that it mattered. he's never had a credit card but i'd honestly pay the money if it was the easiest thing to do. he may be willing to sign at this point in time, but i haven't initiated any contact with him nor has he with me.
Without reading any of the
Without reading any of the other comments and just your original post I say file the papers. He does not need to sign for you to get divorced. A judge will grant the divorce. Since he moved out and has not contacted you or returned to your home, I would say he clearly wants it to end.
Pick yourself up and move on. This is not a situation you should be in.
thank you. most other
thank you. most other comments have agreed with you in the advice to divorce him. he would say that i asked him to leave and he's giving me space/i haven't contacted him so i don't show any initiative to continue either i guess. i agree, not a good situation but tough to move on from
If he cared about staying
If he cared about staying married, why the radio silence? The daughter is one thing (and not a good thing), but ignoring you for six weeks when he knows you must be hurting is unforgivable. He's doing NOTHING to demonstrate his commitment to you. That is not ok.
WHY would you want to stay with him? And what is stopping you from starting the divorce process?
That's a good question. My
That's a good question. My best guess is that he has no clue how to resolve things and the easiest solution is avoidance. Can't argue if you don't talk right? He probably feels he's the root of all my pain and misery as well so yet another reason to remain distant. I'm not defending him but I know him well enough that's the probable explanation. I'm just confused why he wants to stay married when he doesn't show anything supporting that. I have divorce papers filled out but he refused to sign them 6 weeks ago citing he want giving up hope yet. I suppose a part of me still has a sliver of hope as well even though I have no idea how we could begin to pickup the pieces.
The establishment already had
The establishment already had my card on file where we'd reserved so all he had to do was call. I also had him authorized to use that card even though it was in my name but he lost that privilege after blowing budget at Christmas. But yes, he seems to see her through rose colored dad glasses and doesn't care about anything else.
You already hit the nail
You already hit the nail right on the head - DH is really "married" to his daughter. No sex but she is his wife in how he treats her, shares his confidence, and spends his money. He wants her approval and wants to see her joy. You are not even a close second. Sorry to be so blunt but you already know this and when you start listening to your head you will pick up the phone and call a good lawyer and file for divorce. You deserve a husband who treats you as his wife - settle for nothing less.
thank you. sometimes it's
thank you. sometimes it's just hard do what you already know is best..
You have the perfect
You have the perfect opportunity to resolve this once and for all while he is on vacation with his deadbeat gold digging spawn.
Rekey the locks, put their shit on the curb, file for divorce, and move on to a life free of this non-man and his toxic spawn.
Enjoy your new life free of their codependent incestuous bullshit.
The locks have been changed
The locks have been changed and he's been out of the house for a while now. All that's left is the legalities.
Get over your sliver of hope.
Get over your sliver of hope. 6 weeks no contact? Dead. Flat line. Sans pulse. Kaput. Fork stuck. Meter popped.
You can do so much better than a life like this. You have a good head on your shoulders. You'll find a man who appreciates that and you'll wonder why you wasted so much time with Durfapalooza.
He's been wanting to talk
He's been wanting to talk with me but I told him i don't really have anything to discuss. As long as I come last, there's nothing to talk about. He said I just need to see this vacation from his perspective in that he wants to spend time with his daughter and since I can't stand to be around her, that's why he didn't invite me. I told him that was a load of BS and married people don't do things like that without discussion. He said he doesn't need permission. I ended the discussion there since we were getting nowhere. I also presented him with divorce papers but I don't know if he'll sign. He said he wants to remain married but is tired of arguing, thus the reason for no contact for so long. I told him if he signs those papers we'll have nothing left to argue about!
Divorce is rough regardless
Divorce is rough regardless of the circumstances leading up to it, definitely not something to hastily rush into. 6 weeks no contact, that's not the behavior of someone who wants to work it out. Contact him and say, "Let's talk, I've set up an appt with a marriage counselor." Don't just let him move back in, get help. If he says "No" then you know he doesn't want things to change and go ahead with the divorce.
He doesn't want a divorce but
He doesn't want a divorce but he doesn't want to put the work into reconciliation because it will be hard and uncomfortable. He said he didn't think i wanted him to contact me and he didn't want to argue. I presented him with divorce papers. It's not what I want but neither is this type of marriage. I have big things coming up in my life and I feel like he'd just hold me back with the way things are right now.
It sounds like your mind is
It sounds like your mind is made up. Honestly, I don't blame you.
Yeah, it is. Like I said,
Yeah, it is. Like I said, divorce is not what I desire. But I can't make him want to invest in the marriage either.
We tried MC during a
We tried MC during a separation a few years ago and he wasn't responsive to it and said he'd never go back. There really aren't any details to work out since our belongings and money are separated. We have no kids together (thank God!) It was my house he moved out of and I was the breadwinner. He has a job right now and I let him stay a month or two extra before helping him move so that he could save. He then spent 2-3k on the vacation so I told him if he could afford that, he could afford to self support.