BM never spends one on one time with SD
Every time SD7 comes home she's talking about how she went with BM to hang out with BMs friends. We ask how her weekend was she says "It was ok, we hung out with xyz friend of BMs". We have every other week schedules. So BM has plenty of time to hang out with friends kidfree. It's like BM never wants to be alone with just her and SD. She HAS to have her friends around at all times.
I get the feeling SD feels a little neglected because she actually said "My mom never wants to spend time with me, she's always on the phone or hanging out with her friends".
DH and I rarely attend social activities on the weeks we have SD, unless it's a special birthday of a friend. Those weeks we usually just do family activities or get things done around the house.
Is anyone else's BM like this?
Also BM isn't single, she's
Also BM isn't single, she's married. So I think it seems weird that she's hanging out with her friends all the time.
Maybe the BM is spending the
Maybe the BM is spending the off weeks spending time with her husband and doesn't see her friends so she sees her friends when she has SD. Not saying she should be ignoring SD, just offering a possible explanation.
Weeeeeellllll.... I'm going
Weeeeeellllll.... I'm going to approach this from a slightly different angle and tell you:
1. Don't worry about it and
2. Tell SD to talk to her mom about it, not you.
I get it, I do. You are a good person, and you hate to see her hurting, and you want to help. Oh BOY do I get it! But I have a couple things to point out to you here. First is that BM is in no way, shape or form hurting SD. Their relationship is between the 2 of them and you do not want to get involved. It will blow up in your face. As long as SD is not being harmed, stay out of it. (I know, you didn't actually say you were doing anything about it, but I mean stay COMPLETELY out of it - don't be SD's "confidante" when she wants to bitch about her mom either.) The second thing I will point out to you is that allowing SD to bitch about her mom to you is a Bad Idea. You are not her friend, any more than any other parent is her friend. You are an ADULT in her life, and as such she should be able to come to you if she needs HELP - but not just to complain about someone else. Thridly, if you allow it, it will get much, MUCH worse, and as she gets older SD will use it to manipulate you. (Also, don't think for one hot minute that she won't - or hasn't - complained about YOU to BM. She will, if she hasn't already. You're tacitly giving her permission to do that, by listening to ber complaints about BM.)
^^^ Allyskoo - yes! I learned
^^^
Allyskoo - yes!
I learned the hard way. Skids WILL manipulate you on this. I hear it all the time from SD. It used to bother me and I was sooooo concerned. Give it some time though and you will see what's going on. It looks like it may already be starting...
"Those weeks we usually just do family activities or get things done around the house."
This is the whole "we feel sorry for poor SD because her mommy neglects her" lifestyle. I too, was tricked into this kind of lifestyle.
No more! You will NEVER get to do what is best for you, H, and any potential biokids if you hunker down and don't go on with life with or without skid.
Telling you....slippery slope.
Yep. I've told this story
Yep. I've told this story before, but my own SDs were master manipulates as teens, until they got caught. They had DH and I *hooked*, for real, we were considering calling CPS because the girls would hint that the stepdad was hitting the youngest girl and they were all being told to lie to us and cover it up. These girls were GOOD. Apparently they'd had years of practice.
Then I got pregnant. We told the girls, they were thrilled, we talked names, yada yada yada. We dropped them off at BM's. BM almost immediately calls DH and says, "What the hell is going on? All 3 girls are sobbing, what did you do to them?" We turned around and went back to BM's house and had a Come To Jesus Meeting. The girls weren't expecting that!
So all 4 adults are sitting around the kitchen table. The girls are sniffling and looking down at their shoes - anywhere but at one of the adults. DH asks them what's going on, why are they crying? Silence. BM says, "Well, they told me that Ally is pregnant and you said now that you're starting a new family you don't need them any more." DH was FLOORED. He asks the girls, "Is this true? Did you say that?" Silence for a minute, and then the oldest cracked. "No! We didn't say... that... exactly.... Mom misunderstood!"
Oh my god, the look on BM's face when she realized that not only were her babies lying to her, not only were they playing her, but they were also throwing her under the bus, was priceless! BM and DH compared some stories that the girls had told them, with the girls sitting right there, and we discovered they'd been playing Mom and Dad against each other (and to a less extent, SF and me) for years! They were BUSTED, and it was AWESOME.
BM and DH took away everything they could think of, and the lying did stop. At least for a while. They're all aged out now, and the oldest especially still has only a passing relationship with the truth, but at least it's no longer in my house!
^^^YES!^^^ What are you as
^^^YES!^^^
What are you as the step mom going to do about it?
I certainly hope you wouldn't approach BM and tell her, that's for SD to do, IF she is even telling the truth.
A few of her friends have
A few of her friends have kids, but it sounds like many of them are single no kids. We started doing a mid week visit (recommended by SDs teacher) because she was having a hard time emotionally being away from mom and dad a full week. And every mid week SD comes home from the visit saying her mom just hung out with friends all afternoon and SD was just "there". I can't really stop SD from complaining about it, I never say anything other than "I'm sorry that happened, or made you feel sad." Then I'll tell her to talk to her mom about it.
Sometimes it's completely innapropriate scenarios like "we had a sleepover over at my mom's friends house, my mom was 'chugging beers' and her friends were saying 'chug' over and over."Maybe I'm more family oriented (no bios yet), but this doesn't seem like something I would do with my kids around. I think all parents deserve and need to have "friend time" but there's literally at least 14 days a month BM can do what she wants with her friends.
Also I have no doubt in my mind SD complains about me, probably "SM and dad didn't do anything with me all weekend, we just did chores and stuff around the house" haha
^^^same with my BM^^^ I had
^^^same with my BM^^^
I had to hear from my best friend about how her coworker went to a 4th of July party and BM was there with her BF and SS and SD. I had to hear about how she didn't attend to the kids, they were running around in the dark unattended while BM had sex with 2 different guys because BF got mad and left, all with the kids at the party.
There is nothing you can truly do about BM'S mistakes sometimes.
My former SS's BM was like
My former SS's BM was like that; she spends all her free time (which is a lot) in shopping centers, caffés, hairdresser, mani-pedi and friends' houses. Most of her friends have kids, so skid likes it; the shopping and hairdresser, not so much.
She reads him a bedtime story and sometimes hangs out with him alone, but that's maybe 10% of the time they spend together. She also pushes him to his father's house A LOT.
she's not single as well, she lives with a guy, but he usually stays home, cooks and cleans while she's out and about. How come the bitches get all the nice guys?