Adult SS moved back in
My 22 SS recently moved back in after roommate issues. My DH and I agreed a long time ago that as long as he was in college, he could live here rent free. SS chose to move out to an apartment and after a year and a half, had to break his lease and move back in. Our agreement (or what his father discussed with him) is that he would start putting $ into his college account in lieu of him paying rent to us. I again agreed and supported that idea. I oversee the college accounts for both of our kids and have yet to see a dime from SS. My DH informed me that SS was still trying to pay off some late utilitiy bills and that it may be a little while before he could start putting $ into his college account. Yet SS recently went on a mini trip with some buddies and gambled away "fun" money his BM gave him for the trip. Soo many sub issues here....
Among the biggest being that his BM has not once given him a dime for school, emergency car repairs, etc. Disney mom literally and figuratively! As well as, if he had $ to go party, he should have paid us first!!
The above is only part of my anger...
I should start by saying he is not a bad kid, we've made an effort to teach him the value of a dollar and to work for what he has. He works full time and goes to school. But he also does rude (typical 22 yo stuff I suppose) things like pull my laundry half dry out so he can start a load. And yesterday he didn't bother coming and eating Easter brunch with us. He came up earlier to eat a bowl of cereal and grab the money out of his Easter basket I made for him (the rest of the basket I made still sits on the kitchen counter) and then went back to his room. He came up right when we were finishing eating. My DH and I both talked later that it was rude of him. Yet neither of us said a word or called him on his rude behavior. I do realize he is an adult that has been out on his own, but he doesn't have an issue helping himself to anything and everything out of the fridge or eatinG meals we cook on other occasions. Yesterday was just blatant disregard...
For 17 years, I have never heard my DH reprimand SS in front off me and when I go to DH to vent about SS's behavior DH gets defensive. DH expects me to confront SS but has never backed me up. I don't trust that SS loves me enough to not hate me. He is an adult now so Its nit like I can force him to "behave"
I had a meltdown, then a revelation yesterday.. Although.my DH may have only directly thrown me under the bus a few times (he has actually comforted my SS after I verbally reprimanded him when he was younger) he throws me un der the bus each and every time he remains passive and silent when SS is disrespectful to me or our family. He throws me under the bus every time he bites my head off when I try to co-parent SS with him or come to him with a complaint. He throws me under the bus every time he isn't willing to sit down with the 3 of us and discuss things (this was when he was in high school and younger).
So...where do I go from here? I love my life, being in this situation for the last 17 years has been one of the hardest things I have done but I also love what DH and I have built and we have a strong love and friendship together. Our kids are thriving. But this one (big) problem, is the core of it all. I feel like a coward and I am so afraid of standing up. I am so afraid of my SS hating me. And that hatred will destroy my marriage and my family. The times I have called him on his crap, he gets defensive and I am ridden with insecurity. This is a hard thing to admit. I did a lot of thinking yesterday and I don't know how to move forward. I can blame DH for some of this (& believe me I do) but I am to blame as well.
My last worry and it's probably the biggest... I feel like I take my frustration out double on my BD because I can. I yell at her for minor infractions because I know how much she loves me. And maybe, I'm wrong but I think DH does the same thing. He is so afraid of offending SS and standing up for me that he takes it out on our BD. He may not want to admit that, but I saw it firsthand yesterday and have realized this behavior is the new dynamic between us all. I am determined to make that change with my BD and step back sometimes and put things inyoperspective. She can be a pain in the butt, but doesn't always deserve being yelled at.
I am sorry to have written a novel here - I don't have any answers. I need some feedback. i need some support.
Thanks for your support.
Thanks for your support. Sounds like you had it bad. And no, he has never been destructive with my belongings. May I ask how your relationship with DH has evolved since you confronted your SD?
I do realize that my relationship with DH has been strained since SS moved back in - I felt like I was healing all the wounds from the past and could finally exhale when he moved out and started towards adulthood.
Geez, I just feel like a wimp and a coward. That something is fundamentally wrong with me that I am giving SS this much power and am so scared his anger towards me will cause a divide in my marriage,
I like the contract idea. Not
I like the contract idea. Not sure if DH will agree but something's gotta give
Thanks for the feedback
I hope you continue to heal
I hope you continue to heal Ybarra. And yes, it's hard to forget and a lot of times the pain and hurt resurfaces (like for me yesterday) even after you thought you had healed.
I don't know don't how I am moving forward yet, but I can't live like this any longer
What a freeing thought. Even
What a freeing thought. Even though I have been consumed by this the last 24 hours, I haven't really looked at it that way. I am so angry at DH and we are currently not on speaking terms (this is our pattern) and I'd say in 14 years of marriage 99% of our fights have been on the topic of SS.
I was reading another post regarding someone in a very similar situation and her DH threatened to move out. Mine has made those threats too - a few years ago SS was blantanly storing and smoking weed in our house. And I told DH that was unacceptable (mainly because we had an 8 yo daughter in the house) and he freaked out and asked where is he supposed to keep it? Are you f-ing kidding me? It turned into an epic fight between the 2 of us and he threatened to leave me 2 days before Christmas. We worked through it but he broke my heart and it has taken me long time to truly trust him again & I'm beginning to realize that maybe I can't. Maybe I never healed. But I also realize that I won't live like that any longer. I am done. I need to have enough respect for myself and protect my daughter. Things haven't been this bad for me and DH and Wehave not fought like this in a long time. Things have gradually started getting bad ever since SS moved back. (Shocking, I know
If DH ever threatens me again to move out I WILL hand him a suitcase. And I know I have stand up for myself and call SS on his rude behavior and stop being a wimp.
Thanks for the pep talk
"If DH ever threatens me
"If DH ever threatens me again to move out I WILL hand him a suitcase." My DH used to threaten to leave on the average of every 6 months. After 20 years of it, I said, "So leave - I will buy you out." You should have seen the look on his face!
When we state our boundaries they might seem rather drastic - at first. The reason you are setting boundaries is that you are striving to create an emotionally healthy environment for you, your 8 year old, and DH. Once this more emotionally healthy world is in place, you will look back at how you have been living and KNOW you took the right step.
If your DH is throwing you under the bus in regards to SS, he will throw you under the bus in other situations which have nothing to do with SS. This can be equally devastating to your marriage and trust in your DH. Your DH is sacrificing his marriage because he is a coward. It's just easier to wimp out.
I set boundaries with DH over 4 years ago regarding SD. In every day life the average person runs into occasional circumstances where they need to defend themselves. It is the responsibility of the spouse to have your back. It took almost 4 years to get the courage to inform DH that if he threw me under the bus again when I truly needed his support he was history. In a recent event he stood up for me. It's encouraging.
Good for you and Thanks
Good for you and Thanks Sandiye21 - I completely agree how important boundaries are...and how we need to do that to create healthy relationships with others and ourselves. There hasn't been an opportunity to talk since
DH and I are going on 48 hours now of silent strike. It has given me time to think (and am,unfortunately, consumed and completly distracted at work).
But I have 2 questions for him to ponder:
1. what do you want from me in regards to SS? Especially now that he is an adult...
Because I feel he expects me to be a parent - I.e., cover his health insurance, drive him places before he got his license, take him to the dr, etc (& has for 16+ years) but he clipped my wings and always becomes defensive when I say anything negative about SS behavior - as long as I go along with everything, there is harmony
2. Why don't you ever confront him or call him in his behavior in front of me? (My prediction isp he will deny this and give his typical pissed response "oh bullshit". My theory is that he doesn't want SS to like his BM more than him - that's the simple answer but
You get the gist
So back to boundaries, I need to work on that in many facets of my life. I need to figure out what my boundaries are.
I do agree that my DH is a coward. I feel like he is sacrificing the life we have built simply because he doesn't want to admit that he may be wrong! I have never asked him to chose between us - all I asked was that he back me up, support me, include me, make SS realize we are a team and I matter. He has failed me in most of these areas in regard to SS.
I have nurtured and taken care of this child who is now a man living in our basement and I feel like he is a stranger. I am so angry at both of them for how they have treated me and taken me for granted.
I am considering getting a hotel room for the weekend so that I can have some time to myself and think things over. There is so much tension in my house right now.
Perhaps I am both the best
Perhaps I am both the best and worst person to give you advice. I just lost my husband because I knew in my body in the end that I could not take living one more day under the roof with SD19 who hates me and more importantly with a husband who refuses to see that or the impact on his wife.
Your situation sounds more manageable but similar. Like you, I realised it was starting to impact my parenting which was also not acceptable. My son is 7 and deserves a calm and happy mum.
I am hurting and grieving so am balanced in my advice.
Be ready and understand your boundaries and priorities in case it does go bad if you stand up for what you want or need. he may not be able to see your point of view. If you feel instead that you can live with it then read "stepmonster" and get a counsellor and also ways to cope. Disengagement etc.
Hope it helps.
Freshstart - I am sorry for
Freshstart - I am sorry for what you are going through but commend you for standing up for yourself and your son.
I don't know what my breaking point is - I have endured this for almost 17 years and I'm still going. Not all moments have been bad - I have even received heartfelt mother's day cards from SS
But as I get older and wiser and more comfortable in my own skin, I know I deserve better than this and if DH can't give that to me then I need to do what is best for me and my daughter.
I have been thinking of contacting my therapist for a tune-up - she was a big part of my life when I was in the stepparent trenches when SS was growing up.
How do you disengage from someone who is living in your house? And who your BD loves and thinks the world of? (They are half brother and sister). How do you disengage when I want him to be part of our family? I.e. He is going on a mini family vaca with us for one of my family member's wedding. How? I am asking for suggestions from how others have done it - physically and emotionally. Right now I am just hiding in my bedroom (my haven) and avoiding him. That can't go on forever....