I don't want to disappoint my In-Laws...
SS4 is staying with his mom for a couple of months. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was taking care of him full time since we moved. This was the first time I had to spend any length of time with my SS. It was driving me crazy taking care of my spoiled SS and making me rethink marrying DH because I didn't really understand how enabling he is toward his son.
Now, my DH's family (who are all really great people) are so sympathetic toward me, because they think since I have been watching SS all this time then I must be devastated with him gone to see his BM (who none of the family likes at all). When in reality, I'm mentally/emotionally jumping for joy. The in-laws are all "big family" type people. They love having lots of kids around. I don't have any children and so SS is the only child in our family. DH and I talked about having children, but after taking care of SS I'd rather having my uterus removed with a rusty soup can lid than have another child. Sorry if that's mean, but it's true. I can hopefully deal with SS, at least until he turns 18, but I don't want to add more children to the mix. The in-laws feel like I must be so lonely and depressed since SS is gone because they don't understand. They don't understand that I am SO happy now that he's gone.
I haven't laughed and enjoyed my DH's company this much in months. We've been fighting and bickering about how much he spoils his son and how frustrated I am because he wants me to raise him the same way. Since he's with his mom now for a couple month visit, I'm looking forward to being able to go back to work, enjoy quiet time at home, not having a needy child around, spending quality time with my DH, and working on our marriage. We've only been married a couple of months and this is the first time we can actually learn what it means to be together without a 4 year old clinging to his dad.
My question to all you great people is how do you guys deal with family and how they perceive your relationship with your SS/SD? I care about my family-in-law as much as my own, but how do I deal with my excitement that they're darling grandson/nephew/cousin/etc is no longer my problem (for a little while at least)?
They don't have to know the
They don't have to know the cause of your excitement, maybe you're just really excited about life. Maybe you're having great sex. Maybe you ate a great meal and are really excited about that.
Don't worry about it.
Ybarra357, Long story short:
Ybarra357,
Long story short: DH doesn't have full custody and when we were first starting off he only had him a couple days a week. BM was simi-stable then but has proceeded to loose multiple jobs, got kicked out of several apartments so SS was staying with us longer and longer for his safety and well-being. I was working full time (and over time) and it was mainly afternoon/nights so I wasn't home very much. SS was going daycare which we paid for and it was getting really expensive. And no BM doesn't have two pennies to rub together. We moved to a smaller town 4 hours from BM because we'd be closer to DH's family and it was ALOT cheaper.
At first I wanted to spend time with SS because I hadn't really had a chance to bond with him (that was naivety on my part) and because of the move we didn't have extra money to be sending him to daycare yet. So I volunteered to watch him while DH worked and I would get a job once SS when back down to see his mom. I don't have any kids and I've never been around them until I started dating DH. I thought…no, I HOPED that once I was able to spend "quality time" with SS that we would bond.
What actually happened was I realized I hadn't seen how much DH spoils SS and how little authority DH gives me in regards to his son. I know what you guys are thinking that I should have realized that a lot sooner than now…but I wasn't really around before. I was working. SS was either at his moms or daycare during the day and I worked late so by the time I got home he was already in bed. Our days off together was considered "family time" so I didn't really see any of the red flags. Now, that we are together ALL THE TIME I'm seeing the patterns that keep repeating themselves. DH is a Disney Dad who wants to make it up to his son that his BM is a flake.
I have made it perfectly clear to DH what I'm feeling and I told him I want to go back to work and I don't want to be SS's daycare any more. He's not happy that his son and I aren't "bonding" as much as he wanted, but I've told him I need to get on with my professional life outside of our relationship. What makes it difficult is his family. I know most of your guys wondering why I care so much what they think…it's just I don't have any family/friends up here. All my family's back in the town we just moved from. So, the only connections I have is his family. They have been wonderful by welcoming me and making me feel included, but they all love SS so it's hard because I still feel left out because I don't love SS the way everyone else does...
Sorry for the long rant!
Sorry for the long rant!
Wait, so he thinks the only
Wait, so he thinks the only way you guys would be bonding is if you'd love to be his daycare all the time?
Damn girl, if I can't even stand to be with MY OWN daughter's day care all the time, how can anyone expect you to be your SS's?
my fdh found how what I
my fdh found how what I really feel about his son. Long story short me and in-laws do not speak to one another! AT ALL. Period. I have not seen them in over 3 years.
For MY sanity, it truly is best as they are difficult, manipulative types. They are the types that if you aren't in agreement with them on everything, then you are in the dog house. They are superficial people who think they are better than every one else.
So fdh carries on a relationship with them without me. We don't talk about them in any great detail. We can't as it can turn tense and into an argument quickly. Fdh realizes his parents shortcomings, but in the same breath "that's who is parents are" The difference is that I have the CHOICE to not have them apart of my life.
It is what it is for that whole situation. It won't ever change. And I am a lot less stressed because of it.
It's a lovely thing to have a
It's a lovely thing to have a good relationship with in laws who also happen to be kind and thoughtful people. So if you have that now, I agree, don't lose it.
Keep your thoughts about ss to yourself. If they say "aren't you sad he's gone?" just answer, "really, I'm happy for him that he gets to be with his mommy. I just want what's best for him."
At this point they will not understand if you say, "I'm glad to call my time my own now or I'm so enjoying the alone time with dh." If they have not noticed ss's behavior problems yet do not be the one to tell them.
I'm lucky. My in laws knew my sd15 was a trainwreck long before I came along. They are very supportive of me. Even so, I keep a fine filter on what I say about her and how. I save my venting for my girlfriends. And ST, of course!
I guess I am fortunate. My
I guess I am fortunate. My family accepted SS as their GKid and nephew without issue. My ILs have not been involved in our family much at all. They play the head in the sand ostrich game and the Emporers New Clothes game on just about anyting so as far as they are concerned if no one is dead or in prison everything must be great.
Our battle was with the Sperm Clan. Those toxic morons were a PITA for the entire duration of the Custody/Visitation/Support CO. Fortunately SS is now 22, has aged from under the CO, and is on his own, doing his own thing, and supporting himself. Even the Sperm Clan is for the most part a non issue in our lives these days.
I would not do anything that jeopardizes the relationship you have with your ILs. That said, enjoying the break you are having from the Skid and telling them so should not cause any issues.
As for going back to work... Once you start working while SS in with his BM you have the perfect opportunty to outsource the care of SS-4 for the most part. Tell your DH that you intend to keep working and that he will have to find daycare for the Skid.
No one said that being a Sparent required giving up your entire life for the SO's prior spawn. Accomodation of the kid and their needs, yes. Making the Skid the focal point of your life ... nope.
Take care of yourself.
You guys are awesome thank
You guys are awesome thank you for all your advice and input! It has helped knowing that I'm not alone in this drama (not that I'm happy that anyone is feeling like us step-parents to in these uncomfortable situations).
I am going to find a job and start building my own circle outside of my family dynamic.
It's just been difficult with the move and being dependent on DH for money/attention/emotional support. Especially when the SS around all the time. I can't blame DH for all of that because I did accept those things rather than put my big girl pants on and do what I needed to do. LOL!