Is it time for me to leave
Hi everyone, I have read this site for a while but this is my first posting. I really could do with some advice please.
I have been married for 7 years, I have 4 adult children from first marriage and my DH has two from his.
The firsts years were loveky, I was head over heels and I guess ignored some warning signs. I saw within a very short time how my DH ex wife continued to pull his strings and he had very little contact withy his daughters who are now 23 and 25. I don't think they ever cared much did me but tolerated me and life was good and we had a happy home when they visited.
It all changed when hubby paying child support ended, his ex believed it should be paid until kids finished Uni and she had a bit of a rude awakening when she found that was not the case. We were both recovering from financial losses from first marriage and build a life (at age 45 and 50). What followed was abusuve phone calls etc. Hubby was going to sign over his army pension to his daughter which I could hardly believe, it was only when a work mate told him how ridiculous that was that he changes his mind. I had previously offered his daughter my car but once this flared up, then that didn't happen. We moved to a different area and were FB stalked by his ex.
Then hubby's dad hit really sick and so I took leave from my job to go to their town and help as he was intensive care. He recovered but MIL has just has a knee reconstruction and was not mobile, eventually we moved it the same area so we were able to help more. Disastrous! All was going well, I heard lots of takes via MIL and SIL about the ex wife who was apparently hated. Then at a family party a few years ago, another SIL advise me that they had the ex wife visit and stay over and everyone was keeping it secret from us (she lives 10 hrs drive away). The ex has even driven by our home checking it out. Both myself and hubby then distances ourselves from them all whilst still helping MIL and FIL when needed. Yet my hubby can not stop doing the right thing and if his two faced SIL calls he feels the need to call back, this is a long story but the latest is it is the older daughtes graduation in a different town. He is flying there for the ceremony. I made a comment about his Mum and Dad rocking Jo and was told j was being ridiculous and over sensitive, guess what they are!! Next I say, your sister will be going next and yesterday we find out that yes she is, again I had been told to not be so daft and over react.
This feels like the final straw to me, I can't live with this constant stress and dreading events such as birthdays and Xmas and what drama that will bring. I am unsure if I love him anymore, I am so angry at his naivety and lack of locality.
Any input would be so gratefully received, I feel so tormented right now and living on Valium to cope. Love to all of you xx
I did mean to say that at one
I did mean to say that at one stage, DH ex SIL who he had not heard from in 10 years phoned him to abuse him for not financially supporting his daughters through Uni, I was in the room at the time and he to,d this woman personal details of our finances etc, I was horrified and so very angry with him. Just after that we spoke with the parents and sister and brother and explained the trouble we were getting dro the ex and we asked (respectfully) that they please stay away from her. They said that was easy as they disliked Her so much. Within months she was visiting and staying over!! Daughtes continue to treat him with no respect, drove past our town just before Xmas and went to DH parents plaxe not ours!! Sorry this is so long xxx
agree with this. with adult
agree with this. with adult children, no communication is necessary.
I know it sounds dreadful but
I know it sounds dreadful but I wish he would see his parents and his bio sister in the way I do as they have caused us so much pain. Now they arrange a graduation meet up with his ex wife in another town! He likes to think the best if everyone and he has no idea what's in store when he gets there - originally they arranged for him to take a 3 day trip and drive them there, which he agreed to! Without even mentioning it to me. They have treated him badly niot just me but he still panders to their whims. He has told them that our marriage is in the edge and their response is - deal with it!
Thank you for your response
Ha. I looked at it for awhile
Ha. I looked at it for awhile and if you insert "are flying, too" instead of rocking jo the sentence makes sense.
I read it a few times till I
I read it a few times till I got it, was meant to say flying up.......crazy I can't even decipher my own stuff - head is messy right now x
Lol, I have no idea what
Lol, I have no idea what rocking Jo meant! Predictive text but I can't work out what it was meant to say...
Thanks for responses, for years I have been made to feel the bitch for my non acceptance of what's going on. Today I have been asked by DH for a last chance, lost count of the promises of loyalty to me he has given.
I appreciate this forum. Have read so much on here especially about adult step children which has been really helpful,
Yes he's spineless alright, I told him as much. Xox
Ok - I interpreted "Mum an
Ok - I interpreted "Mum an dad rocking Jo" as "Mum and dad rocking up"
You did good, yes rocking up,
You did good, yes rocking up, invited and arranged by ex wife. Enjoy your nap, I am doing the same
Have read quite a bit in the
Have read quite a bit in the forums this afternoon, especially about disengagement. I feel that to a large extent I have already disengaged from the sd23 and Sd25 and also the in-Laws, I guess I am just mad that my DH continues to associate with them, it feels like he is condoning their behaviour somehow.
Today, I am unsure if I am just angry, or if all my love towards my DH has just gone, I am not sure it's worth fighting for anymore and the thought of a place of my own, though a big struggle financially, is actually rather enticing. I went for a walk in the beach today and thought it would be nice to live there in a small rental.
He made the comment today that I won't ever find anyone without baggage - that made me laugh, I would certainly not be interested in anyone else for quite some time and I may be a bit more discerning in my choices.
How do you know if you have fell out of love....
i feel the same way, helga.
i feel the same way, helga. since i have a lot of other issues on my plate i dont even think about divorce at this point. dh, with his obsessive attachment to the skids, has killed everything i ever felt for him. i dont respect him and dont love him anymore.
case in point, one of the friends of dh died and the widow asked dh to sell a lot of her husbands sporting gear such as golf clubs, fine car accessories, etc. dh let the bf of one of the sds "have" some of them without asking for any money. i think he shorted the widow of his friend some money.
I am very similar to you in
I am very similar to you in this regard 1stepforward.Yes when my anger has settled in all these previous years, I have realised our love and felt fairly settled and calm and optimistic. Even though there have been trying times, I have seen our love still there.
This time feels a bit different, I guess he also realises this time that he has continued to trivialise my concerns when they were throughly warranted. I think we both realise that he can't change. Even my BD29 said, he has a good heart and trying to please everyone even though he is naive.
And like you, if I am out of love with him, I would have to leave, I can't stay, it would seem immoral to me. But if I stay, and even if he disengages thoroughly with his mum, dad and siblings. The SD's will still come into our lives - not often, they generally text on birthdays and Xmas and that is all. But it's excrutiating to watch DH grovel to them. I feel so overwhelmed by their ability to scare me, as through the years I know the baggage which comes along with them and it reminds me of the arguments and distress which has happened over the years. Oh the thought I might never have to hear about them again is so enticing! I feel I am becoming a bitter old woman through this marriage.
I also know from my significant research into self development (!!) that no one can make me feel anything, only I have the power over how I feel, this is a case where I am struggling a lot.
DH moved himself and belongings into the spare room yesterday, I am glad he is giving me some space. I am worried I might like this space! I am scared to have another relationship break down. Then last night he started sobbing - and I felt sorry for him!!!!!
When married to my x I used
When married to my x I used to cringe when I heard his car drive up, “oh crap he's home.”
this is so well put. i feel the same way.
dont feel sorry for your dh. he is clueless and does not deserve you.
Thank you wickedsm123, your
Thank you wickedsm123, your post made me smile, made me think if wicked step moms - it could be worse, I could be dealing with 2 x SD who are young and come and stay every fortnight, that feels like a horror movie.
For a while there, I had a mantra, 'I will love him no matter what' and I used it recite it in my head and tried to tell myself that to love someone you have to love all of them. It is so so hard to agree to disagree...
I think you are both right, I need to work on myself and being a whole person again in my own right. This has eroded my self confidence in a massive way over the last years. Unfortunately, due to my upbringing, I have become a 'people pleaser' and find it difficult when people don't like me. My own bio family (mum, dad, siblings) are in UK, thousands of miles away as I emmigrated 25 years ago. So, being with DH was lovely, it felt nice to be embraced by this big extended family which is why we chose to move to their area and help them in their ageing years. This is when things went downhill.
Before meeting DH I was in a shirt relationship where the kids refused to even meet me, there was an abusive ex and other family problems and I swore I would never get into that situation again.
My hubby has suggested we move, but I love this little seaside town and have started to make friends here and recently got a part time job which I like. MIL and FIL live 40 kms away so they aren't exackty in our pockets, but it still feels close for comfort. I am wondering if this whole issue is a lesson for me in independence - I am not the girl my husband married, she got lost somewhere and I need to find her again.
It was lovely to wake up to these responses this morning, I feel less alone and putting it down on paper really has helped me.
Thank you both so much, hope your lives are peaceful atm xxx
I am so sorry. One of the
I am so sorry. One of the greatest frustrations so many of us experience is this alternate reality that spouses live in served up with a side easily made to feel guilty when they have done nothing wrong and blaming the victim/helpmate, the spouse. You are not wrong to feel as you do.
Try to take a step back. If this insanity asserts it self mainly during holidays and the bulk of your time and life is happy and fine, then give things a chance. If the bulk of your life is this kind of miserable then you should consider calling it a day.
I hope that things can improve for you either way.Best of luck!
So I met up with a friend
So I met up with a friend today for a cuppa and talked to her about some of this stuff. She was a bit horrified and had no idea, though I did explain it was almost the only thing we argued about.
So I get home in a better frame of mind and maybe we can discuss this and come up with a win/win scenario we can both live with. Well, that didn't happen, within a short time, he is defensive, says I have made myself clear that it's over so what's the point in trying anything. It's like he is waiting for me to tell him what to do - like WTF.
I was so open to moving forward, hoping he might romance me at least and show some remorse, but nothing, even a comment of him saying that I am Miss Perfect (I am not and have never professed to be). It's 8pm, now he is sulking and pouting. It's a losing battle. I am devastated to realise my third long term relationship has broken down.
What is wrong with me and my choices
repeat to yourself until you
repeat to yourself until you believe it, "its not about me but about them." we all make mistakes and cant blame ourselves. your dh, like a lot of the husbands around her, are more in love with their children than their wives.
most of us have been there. by sulking and pouting he is punishing you. you dont deserve that. you deserve better.
How old are your kids?
How old are your kids?
Hi sweetmom, my own bio kids
Hi sweetmom, my own bio kids are 29, 27, 21, 19 and his are girls 25 and 23. I have been lying awake (it's 4am here) trying to think what to do. I guess it's over, I was so surprised at his attitude last night and I am so over being the one who glosses over or tries to fix things for him. I think I have to move on and make a new life. He really is a mummy's boy, he has totally disengaged from me already. I think he has made it quite clear that I have made my point re separation And he is putting zero effort into anything anymore
It's not fair for you to
It's not fair for you to offer his kid your car and not have something equal to give to each one of yours
I am rereading these comments
I am rereading these comments through this morning, went to the docs for some help as I wasn't coping and he gave me some tablets to help sleep, they work for about 5 hours but I am well aware of their addictive qualities. I am trying to make plans to move forward, I feel such a heavy heart but I am feeling that I need to be alone even if it's for a short while.
Thanks for your input sweetmom, I think life may have something very different in store for me, this is my 4th long term relationship and it seemed so perfect - there is something going on that I am being blind and overcome with love or something. Time to work on me I think.
Reading through this forum, I feel so much sorrow, because I can see a whole host of problems waiting for the future too and I am not strong enough to deal with it.
The ultimate disengagement, I
The ultimate disengagement, I left, absolutely horrified he didn't even care. Told him I would be away for a week, absolutely zero response, like HE is teaching me a lesson!!
congratulations on leaving.
congratulations on leaving. how much he is concerned will reveal itself in the next few days. if he calls you and expresses concern and wants to talk, there is a chance he loves you enough for the marriage to survive.
if he does not call and wants to punish you with his lack of contact, he is a jerk and you are right to go ahead and leave all the way to the divorce court.
Thanks Sally for your words.
Thanks Sally for your words. It's so hard to be away from him and I want to contact him all the time. It's like I want to apologise to him for what he has done. I am fearful that he knows he can't disengage the family. He said as much, like he tried to promise me it won't happen again. I said - I don't believe you. And he was like, well that's it then isn't it. He isn't even going to try.
It's only 6.30am where I live and I am having such big panic attacks and can't seem to get calm. I have no family anywhere near me and I just feel so alone
Thanks Sally. It is just so
Thanks Sally. It is just so hard, but you are right, I have to make a stand otherwise I live with this rubbish and nothing will ever change - I can't do that anymore.
My friends here are gobsmacked, they can't believe he hasn't been in touch. I can't believe it either, feels like my best friend has just gone. Doesn't say much about his love for me. At the moment, I am wishing him pain and then again I am angry at myself for feeling so vicious and vindictive. I hope he is hurting right now,
And do I really want to spend my life with someone who can't even defend and respect me, I need a man not a mammas boy and if he can't grow some balls on this issue then I guess we are through.
Hope all is well in your world Xox
this is classic in the way
this is classic in the way women deal with narcissistic husbands. google this and see what you can find.
they have a way of making YOU apologize for being angry about their bad behaviour. its crazy. you will learn in time to depend on yourself. like many of us, we were/are in love with a man who does not exist or only exists in our minds according what we want to believe. its a hard fact to accept our husbands love their children more than us.
sorry about your feeling this
sorry about your feeling this way, but i feel the same way.
its empowering when you can say you have had enough. i wish you the very best in your new life.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your support and responses. So I had a text from DH yday afternoon asking me to check my email. He had written about his thoughts on the situation. Professed his love etc. But from what I am reading, is that he says he loves his bio family (my MIL, FIL SIL) no matter what they have said or done, so I guess there is no suggestion of anything different really. I just find this so hard, I cannot understand it at all. And I don't know how I disengage from his family which is what I will need to do if we are together. He is apologetic whilst also saying he still loves them.
I expect him to continue to try and build a relationship with his grown daughters and will support that even though staying out of it at my end.
Jeez I wish I was one of those hippy people who just exude love to everyone, bear no grudges etc and yes, not my monkeys, not my circus. I love that saying. I don't know how to love him and keep his family in a separate compartment which is nothing to do with me, as I have lost respect for him.
Looks like it will come down to whether I can disengage and tolerate this part of DH. I have already started to be more outgoing and connecting with friends I had neglected a litte. DH works very long hours, so I had been saving all my free time to be available to him - pffftt to that, silly huh?
Tips on disengaging ?? Will read through threads again later tonight as I know there is lots of info in there
You guys rock xxx
helga, good for you. at
helga, good for you. at least you have options now. you will find your own way to disengage in time and it will feel wonderful. you will understand about the circus stuff. say it to yourself every day and one day you will wake up feeling like your own woman.
get your own life and stop worry about the dh and his family. and never forget the fact that you will always have the option to leave again.