To Executivestepmother... I feel you. Oh lord do I FEEL YOU!!!

In any marriage (or any relationship), you will have resentments. This kid is the most in-your-face, ongoing resentment ever. I mean, how could he have had sex (ewwww) with such a person (yuck!), why?!?!?

Yet, there is some good of what he's dealt with.

My main source of peace in all of this and what you may want to think about is:
How has he grown to be the man you need TODAY? ...in spite of his poor choices.

Because of/in spite of his shady past that follows him each day, what has he learned? How far has he come?

He's obviously picked up some traits that has made him into the man he is today --- a man that YOU can love and want to spend your time with. His past has shaped him into a good man for you. That's worth something.

Now don't think that I'm accepting his DUMB ASS CHOICES at all... because I'm not. Though, I AM saying that you resent having a reminder of his mistakes in your face. ANYONE WOULD. Can you imagine if you had to see or think about your dumb ass mistakes (that no one knows about) EVERY. FREAKING. DAY?

You don't *really* resent him, nor do you *really* resent the kid. You resent the situation. You're a good woman who made smart choices all of her life. Why in the hell did you have to fall in love with THIS man, who happens to have THIS kid, that he shares with THAT bitch.

You deserve better. Of course you do.

However, have you seen what's out there?

Have you dated around and kissed 100 frogs and realized that the man who keeps your bed warm at night is better than soooo many men in your city?

That's what keeps my resentment at bay. I know I've found a prize. He's someone that continues to grow and work on himself and he makes me smile every day. He wants to be a better man for himself and for ME, and he proves himself constantly. Yes, the situation fucking sucks balls. But again, look at the MAN.

If he's trying... really trying to be a partner to you... to be the man that you deserve, then try to separate HIM from his situation.

Admittedly, I win the title for seeing the glass not full, not empty, but the right amount to drink when you're thirsty... so I can't tell you to "think positive" or some other flowery bullshit. But I can tell you... to always look at the MAN in front of you TODAY. If the good outweighs the bad, then he's a keeper. If not, start the search again, and realize that frogs don't turn into princes without experience (mistakes) as their teacher.

I resent that BM has to be a factor in our lives, that she can and does influence what we do and the emotional state of my husband (by blaming him for being an awful father every time she doesn't get her way). My SD I get on well with so I don't feel resentment towards her as such. I know that my life does revolve a lot around her and doing kid and family things when we have her, but for the most part that isn't a problem for me currently.

We all come into each relationship with our own history and our own "baggage". His is his kid and yours might be something completely different, perhaps family ties, perhaps debts, emotional, medical or physical issues or something completely different. Those are the things that your OH has to find a way to live with just as you have to live with him being a dad.

It is hard to accept that to some extent there is a portion of your life you don't have ultimate say over. However your OH shouldn't be making you feel powerless. He should have a clear visitation structure, should be checking with you if visits happen outside of that and should not be assuming that you will babysit or pay or do more for your SD than you are comfortable doing. You should have a say in the rules in your home and be free to enforce them with pre-agreed upon punishments if you want to and need to.

Somethings suck about being a step parent. But if my husband hadn't have become a father previous to me meeting him he wouldn't be the man he is today, he wouldn't have been in the right place for me to meet him and I wouldn't have fallen for him. Being a father forced him to grow up to some extent and the break down of his previous marriage made him think about what he contributes at home. Both factors made him more attractive to me. Part of the reason I love him is because I think he is a decent father (somethings I think he could do better on, but he isn't bad).

None of what happened is the fault of the 8 year old child. And she is and will be DH's child forever. At the age of 8, she needs to be reminded that she needs to wash her hands. They have to learn. Whether you can continue in your relationship with DH is something you need to decide for yourself, but remember, she always will be a part of DH's life.

Reading your post I could have written it myself a few years ago.It does cause a lot of resentment when you feel you have done everything in YOUR life what you may perceive the "right" way ie.wait to get married to someone you are compatible with prior to starting a family and then having what you perceive as an intrusion into your domestic bliss due to your DH past choices.I can understand your anger & irritation but with time it does go away -at least I found for me it did.It takes working through those emotions until you can finally reach a point of acceptance that the situation is as it is and you being ok with it.Yes I too "knew he had a child" when we were dating (very helpful statement -NOT!) but let me tell you it is a whole different kettle of fish dating someone a few times a week as oppose to living with them full time and having YOUR life being impacted on a daily bases by other people's choices -that's where this site has been a God send! I would strongly suggest that there is a structured agreement in place when the child is meant to be spending time with each respective parent.This helps a lot when you are trying to make plans with DH as you know from the outset when SD will be around or not,as oppose to BM dropping the child off whenever it suits her -again from my personal experience this use to cause is endless problems as I felt I had no control over my own life with plans being changed at the last minute.

I sense a lot of anger reading your post - & that is ok for you to feel like that it doesn't make you a bad person. You call the child a bastard, yes it's not a nice word and some of the other members have pulled you up on this,however according to the Oxford English Dictionary this is defined as a child born out of wedlock - & yes it's not the 1940's- but it's a term which is still used.You might find it useful to get some counselling to help you work through your emotions but if you go that route please make sure it is a counsellor that deals with stepfamilies.You might also wish to read "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin,I found it really helpful. Looking back in retrospect now to when I was in the place you are now I personally found that the stages I had to work through to get to the point of acceptance are the same stages as identified in the Kubler-Ross model of grief.Its quite apt I think because you are in essence grieving the "ideal" relationship one has in ones head as opposed to the real relationship one is dealing with in the here & now.One final thought is that the child in question is not to blame -she didn't ask to be born in that situation, yes it might be hard to accept that because her existence is what serves as a reminder of your DH poor choices but ultimately it's not her fault.Please keep this in mind & I wish you the best of luck whatever you choose to do.

Do you resent the fact that his daughter is from a one nighter? Is that the BM's dad is rich and therefore puts the granddaughter in the most exclusive schools and gives her the finer things which you and your DH could not afford? Is that she looks like her mother?
The fact is, you're calling her mother a slut because she ended up getting pregnant on the first night she met your DH and she had sex with him. What does that make your DH then? Did he not also contribute to the sex and clashing of DNA?
I dislike two of skids with the firey passion of a thousand suns, but it isn't because DH once had sex with their mother, or they look like their mother, or any of that. I have four skids, two of them act so freaking horrible that I can't stand to see their faces or hear their voice. I resent DH for parenting in such a way that these kids ended up like this, but not because he once had sex with their mother and now has to take care of the kids.
You're thinking is screwed, and honestly it sounds more like jealousy than resentment. You're jealous that the BM's family has tons of money, can do all these things and your DH pays CS to her and you don't get to do these things. Well, get over it. That isn't the childs fault that she was born to a mother with wealthy parents. If your biggest problem with this kid is she doesn't wash her hands regularly, remind her to wash her hands and be happy she hasn't tried to set your house on fire, play her daddy against you, or any of the other horrible things some skids will do just to win out over the SM.

What I always find interesting is how so many of our partners are considered to be good hearted, well intentioned, the unfortunate victims of mistakes earlier in life, etc...

None of that matters. The only thing that matters is performance. So all of these parents who feel guilty, cater to their spawn, make excuses for all kinds of ridiculous crap, etc... are nothing but abject failures and worthless excuses for adults and parents.

Those of us that tolerate that crap and do not force resolution on our spouses deserve what we get I think.

Whew! This has been a long thread! I kinda ran out of steam reading all of the posts in the end! But I will respond as best as I can:

When I started on this journey 5 years ago, I asked the same question: "Does the resentment ever go? " to which a lot of people said "No".

So what have I found? To use this analogy: It's like you are a computer, and 'resentment' is like a program that's permanently installed on your hard drive. Sometimes the program runs, and sometimes it doesn't. You just have to get really good at switching it off and shutting it down when it does.

Or said another way, there are constant peaks and valleys and you have to treat this problem from time to time. A bit like getting pimples every now and then, and treating them with pimple cream. Or if the resentment is daily, it's like having asthma or diabetes, and treating it with an asthma puffer, or an insulin injection.

How do I deal with the resentment ? I have a whole heap of tools in my tool box. Like writing in my journal, meditating, and spending time with friends and family while it's a step kid weekend. Most of the time I'll stay with my parents when it's an access weekend anyway. I'm really happy to do this, and don't resent having to nick off for the weekend like some people say they would. And on access weekends, SS only stays on Saturday night ; something you could negotiate for.

Other helpful strategies are using new- age spiritual practices like "tapping". ( see www.thetappingsolution.com ). Also, reading books from Hay House, by Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer.

As for the child's existence in this world being a mistake..... You are going to have to accept that he is here on this earth. It's not his fault that he is here, so you'll have to continue to use the same tools in management of your resentment. There are many things in life we have to accept ( like paying taxes), so you'll just have to add this to your list.

As for the word " Bastard "....... Have all the members of the catholic school been watching "Game of Thrones" or something? Ha ha!

Yes it technically does mean "born out of wedlock". But it largely just means that it's a child who comes from an illegitimate relationship.

And, in times past, the only way a relationship was considered "legitimate" by the community were if people were married.

But in this day and age, as long as you've made a verbal commitment, have moved in together, and set up your own little castle, then that's legitimate enough for everyone.

If that school is going to let it bother them, then they're going to be in for plenty more in today's age. Good luck to them!

Lastly, be kind to yourself. Don't be hard on yourself. You're doing ok. Take it easy.

Why waste time and energy on resentment when revenge and absolute destruction of the toxic blended family opposition is so much more fun and rewarding? }:)