How involved to should I be with school issues?
My boyfriend and his daughter have recently moved in with me. Her mother is not in the picture except for phone calls. Within the last 2 weeks we found out she's having problems at school, not doing homework, not paying attention, also just receieved a progress report and she is doing so much worse than she was at the beginning of the year. She's in 1st grade. This all started before they moved.
I've told him he needs to get in contact with the teacher and possibly get the school counselor to meet with his daughter. He seems to not want to take my advice or opinions seriously I think it's because I don't have kids of my own (but i do have common sense). So how can I help without overstepping? Or should I even try to concern myself with it, obviously it affects me as well now.
Any advice anyone can give me would be great.
^^Exactly this. What Echo
^^Exactly this. What Echo said 100%.
His child. His problem.
To be honest, my answer wouldn't change even if you were married. Right now BM is uninvolved, but it may not stay that way forever. The second you do anything that can be construed as a mother role, she will be back in her kids life.
This will be your first lesson in disengaging. All calls and emails from the school regarding your BF's daughter should be referred to him immediately. He will deal with it or not. But that is up to him.
And know this......how he parents this child is the indicator of how he will parent in the future. So keep in mind if you choose to have any kids with this man, all tough parenting decisions will be left up to you. Making you the bad guy and your BF the Disney Dad.
Double up on BC, tout de suite.
You be as involved as you
You be as involved as you choose to be. My DW and I met when my SS-22 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2. I was at every parent teacher conference, ever school event, I signed report cards, I helped him with his school work when he needed it, I took him to the doctors, signed him onto and off of air planes, etc....
Your BF and his kid live with you. That makes you an equity parent to the SKid and were I you I would not tolerate being anything less than an equity parent to any kid in my home. Whether you and BF will be equity lifelong partners remains to be seen but as long as he and his spawn reside in your home you do what you choose regarding parenting.
So, if you want to be involved. Be involved.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I agree with this. If it's
I agree with this. If it's serious enough to shack up (which I don't agree with) then you at least have to care as much as an aunt or grandma would. And if he doesn't want you to care about his child, I'd question what the heck you are doing living together.
Totally agree with Rags. Get
Totally agree with Rags. Get a handle on this kid's issues now. 6 is vastly easier than 16. If she lives in your house, you are partly responsible for her more like a hundred percent responsible as any adult is around children. If a neighbor's 6 year old ran out into the street would you really stand there drying your nails? Of course not.
Since you moved in together, you and your man obviously believe you have a future together. Get this issue of parenting under control NOW. You can work it out together. Tell him you can't be shackled in your own home. The child affects you and your quality of life, not to mention you care about her because she is a part of him. That is part of the hard work of building a real relationship, the part that takes place outside the butterflies and Valentine's candies and Barry White music. If you can get your parenting partnership worked out now, you will ALL be in good shape, including the little girl.
We have a similar issue going
We have a similar issue going on here with SD7's schooling. BM is around for us though, but so far hasn't been that great at supporting SD with her schooling. SD went to 4 different schools last year and my husband never once spoke to any of the teachers at any of the schools. Supposedly BM did and SD was apparently top of the class (I didn't believe this lie for one minute!) Well this year, after much reminding and nagging my husband did go to the parent teacher conference and found out that SD is behind and her attendance has also not been great (she is with her mom during the school week).
I will not get involved with the school directly because it is not my place and because BM would flip if I did. I do though push my husband to get information from the school and follow up. I think his chat with the teacher shocked him and he has definitely started to pick up the slack more. I do however, help at home with homework and extra stuff to try to help SD when she is with us. I am the one who remembers and prioritizes her learning at home. Yes her dad should be doing it, but he just doesn't remember like I do and I can always manage to find an extra 20 mins between things for some reading or math that he doesn't. He does help with homework if he has time or I remind him.
I agree with making sure that SD catches up now while she is so young and we hope to do that for my SD so that by next september she is fully ready for second grade and not lagging behind still. I just hope that we can do enough without having SD with us full time.
If I were in your situation I would still want my husband to take the lead with interactions with the school because he has to realize what is going on and take some active involvement to try to help his daughter. However I may be a bit more inclined to directly talk to the teachers if BM weren't around.
Thank you all. He's not
Thank you all. He's not telling me to not get involved, he asks me what he should do, he asks me for advice, but then when I tell him he doesn't want to do it. My problem is getting him to be proactive and get more involved in her education and not leave it completely up to the teacher.
I am trying to help, no more and no less than I would one of my sisters or one of my friends. I'm not trying to be her mother.
It's hard for me to sit back and watch her fail without stepping in. I realize there's only so much I can do.
Always let the parents handle
Always let the parents handle the school stuff.
I've been dealing with the
I've been dealing with the same issue. SD12 didn't do any homework for the first 2 semesters of school last year. Teachers called, she failed almost all of her classes. BM was letting her watch TV when She got out of school, if she tried SD would throw a fit. When she came down here on the weekends we would sit her down and make her do it. DH did this for a month and then let her fall behind again. It was like he cared temporarily. Fast forward to this year. Now she hasn't turned in any class assignments. When I dared point that out this weekend she went on a shrieking tirade that I lied about that to get her in trouble. I told her fine, fail everything again I'm done with you. Don't get involved with their stuff unless you want them to turn on you for telling them what they don't want to hear...
This child has had a lot of
This child has had a lot of transitions and upheaval in her life. Maybe simply reducing her stress, reading her books, some cuddles, and leave school at school. She is so young, and you are the mother figure she has now, since her BM is absent. Just be patient, let her settle down, and watch how her father handles situations that come up.
Is she physically okay? Had a checkup recently? Does she eat a good breakfast before school? A lot of inattentiveness can be helped with a breakfast with a lot of protein (eggs, cheese, etc.) instead of cereal or poptarts. Not knowing a lot about your situation, I'm just throwing out some things you might find useful, and can do for her without involving her father. Many would say let him deal with all of her needs, but I think this child needs your kindness and care. Try to keep in mind this little girl is experiencing things she has never encountered before. School is a big deal, it's exhausting and requires a lot of her. Does she get a good night's sleep?
Be patient, be calm, be kind. She's a baby who has been neglected by her mother. She will be okay, and so will you.