Birth mom demanding everything
I'm sure that this has been discussed somewhere on here. By the way. This seems to be a great forum!
Ok. So let's do a little background. My husband pays right around $1000 a month to a woman who mothers his 2 children. During custody battle, she lessened his allotted time with them so she could get more money. And yes, she loves under her parents wing no bills other than her phone.
Anyways.
Lately. She has become very demanding of us. That we need to buy them clothes. Or cellphones. Or whatever. I don't understand it. She will go from ignoring my husbands calls and texts for a week. Then all the sudden she will text him saying the kids need clothes. I've also noticed (to remain anonymous I will refer as older kid and younger kid. They're different sexes) that the younger kid will have nicer, newer clothes. But the older kid (which she mainly demands clothing for) will have poorly fitting clothes. And old nasty shoes. Younger kid has Nike shoes.
This was right around the same time that she said she was putting them each $400 presents on layaway for Christmas. Then all the sudden we get a call saying that they want phones for Christmas. When we told her we already bought presents. She hung the phone up on us. Do note every year she buys expensive presets that either get lost or broke.
She does it every year Not just at Christmas time either. On several occasions my husband and I both have attempted to make it clear that if we buy something, it generally stays in our home. We started telling her to only send a change of clothes. When she would send clothes, they would be old nasty clothes. An it was embarrassing to take them anywhere. Also, she would only send one pair of underwear and no socks. To this day they still don't wear socks and both are nearing pre-teen age.
Am I doing the right thing by keeping what we buy at our house? I mean. Rightfully. She gets a good chunk of change each month. The times that I noticed they were doing without, I have sent stuff home with them. Jackets and shoes. I've even sent them home with 2-3 brand new packs of socks.
I'm kind of at my wits end.
We have both explained to her on several occasions that we kept what we buy at our home so they always have something to look forward to. We have never told her it was also because everything thy goes home with them gets lost or broke. And that the clothes she sends them in are less than favorable. Both of us try to be nice.
Also, she lives 250 miles away and we are responsible for 100% of the transportation. So when time comes to get them, I take off work and make the 10 hour round trip to go get them. And she shows up an hour to an hour and a half late each time. And doesn't answer her phone.
So.. I don't know what to do here. This has been going on for 6 years. I've been picking them up for 2 years. She used to be on time until I wouldn't let her talk crap about her ex (my husband) in front of the kids.
Is this a case of spiteful ex?
Is this a case of spiteful
Is this a case of spiteful ex?
Really?? You have to ask the question??
Its pretty obvious to me.
Stop giving into her demands. Your DH pays CS of $1000 a month...let her buy clothes etc she needs from that. Keep good clothes etc at your place, and a spare pair of BM's style clothes for them to go home in....stop the tug of war over clothes here and start taking control.
As for you picking up Skids....why is it you? Why do you need to take time off work? Why not DH?
I get them because DH works
I get them because DH works night shift and a lot of overtime. Kinda my way of helping out. Isn't a big deal to me. Until she stated being late lol
Anyways i've also noticed that when we get them. She will call 2-3 times a day and just drill the kids with questions. And talk for hours. And if we don't answer the phone. She will call 20-30 times. No joke. DH explained to her that it's his time. He don't get them enough and that when we are done with Our activities for the day the kids will call her.
As for an attorney and trying to get custody. We aren't exactly in a position to do so at this moment.
Welcome to modern technology.
Welcome to modern technology. Phones these days have this little thing called Blocked Call. Block her number as soon as you pick up the skids. End of problem.
If the Skid's have phones then collect them as soon as you pick the Skids up and don't give the phones back until they are getting out of your car at the end of visitation.
I agree with the others who advised that you take some control and quit tolerating BM's toxic bullshit. No need for an attorney. File directly, show all evidence of BMs late surrender of the Skids, phone stalking and PASing them during your DH's visitation time, and petition for the court to smack the piss out of her and change visitaiton travel to 5/50.
Our CO wording re: visitation travel costs and who's time the Skid travled on was - "Times for beginning and ending visits shall be flexible to accommodate transportation arrangements. Visits shall end after an amount of time less than or equal to the period provided in this order. Thus, for example, a visit from September 25 through October 8 is a visit for two weeks, and petitioner shall be entitled to the return of the child after 336 hours (24x14) has passed since the petitioner released the child to the care of the respondent. Said differently, petitioner shall be entitled to return of the child on the final day of the visit, at or before the time at which she released the child to the respondent’s care on the first day of the visitation.3. The cost of transportation for all visitations shall be handled by the parties as follows: Each party shall be responsible to provide transportation to bring the minor child from the child’s location to the party’s location. For example, Mr. DickHead shall arrange and be responsible for the child’s transportation to Mr. Dickhead’s residence for visitations. Petitioner shall arrange and be responsible to provide transportation back to her residence. This may include any acceptable transportation including transportation by grandparents or step parents. Each party shall cooperate in making travel arrangements for the child’s return, including driving the child to the airport, if necessary."
We had to drag the Sperm Clan back to court for clarification on this issue less than a year after the CO was issued. Sperm GrandHag was too stupid to realize that her idiot son had to pay for the kid to travel to Sperm Land for visitation and that visitation time started as soon as we put him on the plane on our end.
I would suggest you get a clarification sooner rather than later. The CO is your best friend for controlling the toxic oppostion so you learn it, live it, love it.
Good luck.
Seems like after DH and I had
Seems like after DH and I had our child. Who is now three. She got really bad. Perhaps, jealousy? She would call him and say how she's worried that the kids will feel left out. The kids love their baby sister an have always been allowed to be involved.
I don't know. I guess I just think baby momma is crazy. We try to laugh it off. And never gIve into her demands. But its getting crazy. Also, time of custody battle, the judge literally asked my husband if bring responsible or transportation is that much trouble. Uh yeah. 500 mile round trip. But she won by saying her car wasn't reliable.
Annith, as horrible as it
Annith, as horrible as it sounds, I am glad I am not the only one going through this. I know there is always two sides to every story and there may be a reason why BM acts crazy. But when it comes to the kids, there is no need to neglect them. Especially when DH is paying his part. And doing his part.
As for phones. She mentioned a specific type. I'm assuming that's what she has and planned I use th minutes we would buy for her phone. Either case. As much as she gets a month (not to mention she is bill free.. We are not) she should get them phones if she feels they need them.
Annith, as horrible as it
Annith, as horrible as it sounds, I am glad I am not the only one going through this. I know there is always two sides to every story and there may be a reason why BM acts crazy. But when it comes to the kids, there is no need to neglect them. Especially when DH is paying his part. And doing his part.
As for phones. She mentioned a specific type. I'm assuming that's what she has and planned I use th minutes we would buy for her phone. Either case. As much as she gets a month (not to mention she is bill free.. We are not) she should get them phones if she feels they need them.
Your DH has a CO for a
Your DH has a CO for a reason. If the BM abuses what is in it, your DH has the means to file contempt against her. If he's merrily allowing her to do as she pleases, change the CO when and however suits her and calls/texts/emails for demands that are not stated in the CO, there would be your main problem to get straightened out first.
The clothing battle depends on what is in the CO. If the CO says DH must purchase clothing for BM's house in addition to CS, then he has to provide them. It would not have to be the from an itemized brand specific list BM hands him. If the CO does not state he must provide clothing for her usage? Hang up the phone when she starts yapping for them, that is what the CS is for. Your DH was wise in purchasing and keeping clothing for them for usage in his home...it keeps BM clothing games at BM's and makes your visitation much smoother.
What you can't do anything about is what BM dresses the kids in when you pick them up or if one is being dressed in her care far nicer and better fitting than the other. Nope. You can't control what stupid things BM does on her time. One example might be if one of the children were a female and one a male. Who knows why BM would treat them differently but it could be as simple as she likes buying and shopping for girly things and boy stuff is just 'meh, kid is dressed'. She may also be getting hand me downs or shopping garage sales and goodwill. It doesn't matter. Dh can't control it. If the kids are approaching their teen years, it'll begin to become an issue between BM and the kids. That's her problem.
Get out the CO. Read it carefully and FOLLOW it. Anything not in the CO that comes demanding from BM? 'Click' , and/or ignore.
The CO has nothing stated far
The CO has nothing stated far as clothing, toys, etc. I think the BM was more concerned about the money she was going to get a month.
I know, really, she has as much control over what we dress them in and what stays at our house as what she does with them. But, she seems to think that she has custody most of the time that she is entitled to whatever we buy for the children.
The kids understand that what is bought here stays here. And they are cool with that. BM is not.
We also try to avoid BM sending anything down. Because whatever she sends. She expects 100% of it back. If it doesn't go back with them, she calls DH 2-3 times daily to either mail it to her or send money for her to buy another. Heck, one time BM thought she sent a game boy down with the kids, which really had been lost (come to find out when te kids fessed up) and BM expected us to pay her $200 for it. So. We kinda have a rule where they come down in what they were wearing that day and a change of clothes to go home in. It's insane.
I definitely wonder where all
I definitely wonder where all that money goes. DH says that they spend a lot of money on entertainment and eating out. I don't know. To be honest, she just may put on a show for us and dress them like crap. DH has never been able to get them straight out of school because BM refuses to add him to their school lists.
I do agree to send the necessities. Underwear and socks. And jackets. In fact, we just bought jackets because they were wearing te same ones from a year ago which are now too small. Socks. We gave up on because the kids won't wear them. At their age, they stink and their shoes stink. So DH and I have shoes for here and we make them wear socks. I don't know if BM buys socks or not. But definitely does not enforce them to wear socks. Their shoes from home stink so bad we tie them up in a plastic bag. My question is.. If they small that bad at school. Why hasn't a teacher said anything? Sounds fishy to me.
If she had regular bills like DH and I. I would definitely sympathize and buy clothes and shoes or whatever to help out. I would definitely say if she had rent/mtg and 2 kids, utility bills and all. $1000 is not a lot. But she doesn't work and lives bill free with her parents. So I don't know what's going on.
DH and I are in process of getting photos and such of kids.
Take the inserts out and soak
Take the inserts out and soak them with hydrogen peroxide overnight. Also, might need to squirt it all over the inside of the shoe. I do this all the time and it works wonders.
under law child support means
under law child support means visitation. if dh is paying more he can demand more time to see his children.
dh need to man up and go to court over this.
Thank you for that.
Thank you for that. Everything you just said is exactly how I feel. And how DH feels.
The kids never really speak about their phone conversation with BM. But she drills them with questions. And if DH doesn't andwer his phone, she will call repeatedly until he answers. It got to where he answers her calls when his phone has about 10% charge and she talks to them til his phone dies.
You are right. She has no business in our home. As I have none in her home. DH, however, has the right to know his children are cared for in BMs home. We try to keep household items separate. We do not accept things from her home (except a change of clothes) and it makes her mad. I think it's how she feels in control. DH got drilled by her because I wouldn't allow the kids to bring their Nintendo DSs along. I don't want to be responsible for that. Neither does DH.
But thank you. I needed to hear/see your input!
That's what I thought surely
That's what I thought surely if she sent them to school as unkempt as they are sent to us, cps would be involved. One would think
Perhaps she only sends them to us like that. Maybe for a pity party? But why dress one nice and the other in rags?
But, they are also very far behind mentally (pre teens but their mentally is around a 5-7 year level). And that's ok. We do simple things. Read to them. Go to the zoo. They are required to have after school tutoring and have coached standardized tests. So surely te school knows something. We have their report cards mailed. Thy both make Cs and Ds. BM has been confronted by DH. BM seems to think it isn't a big deal. So when DH and I have them, we spend an hour a night working on reading and math.
But still. If the schools have investigated. It must've been on the hush. Perhaps why BM won't add DH to none of their emergency lists or discharge lists at school?
BM gets only what is
BM gets only what is stipulated in the CO. CS and CS only unless the CO includes other things (e.g. health insurance for the kid(s), visitation travel participation, etc....).
BM can demand all she wants but she gets shit for nothign that is not in the CO unless you and your DH decide otherwise.
As for deciding otherwise ..... I don't recommend it. Giving even a fraction of an inch will often motivate the toxic blended family opposition to run amok. At least it did in our blended family adventure.
Time to go parallel
Time to go parallel parenting. All discussions via email or text only. No phone calls unless emergencies.
Time to get out the CO and see what is in there currently. Is there anything stipulating that she gets to call the skids when they are with their dad? Give the absolute bare minimum towards her that is ordered. If you do anything (in order to help the skids) over and above what is COed, make sure it is something that benefits them when they are with you, if possible. Meaning, KEEP clothing that you buy, etc.
Then make sure that you are filing with the courts anytime she does anything wrong. This doesn't have to be too expensive because it can be done without a lawyer.
My SD showed up in awful, ill
My SD showed up in awful, ill fitting clothes, as well. So, we bought a few things and she was not allowed to take them home.
Most of the toys we bought her, also stayed at our house because her brother would destroy them if she took them home.
We explained nothing, it just was the way it was. You don't owe anybody an explanation.
My DH bought nothing extra for BM's house nor gave BM any extra money, ever. He paid his CS in full and on time every month.
BM did try telling us what to get SD for Christmas one year, we ignored it.
BM doesn't run your household and has no right to demand anything. Repeat to yourselves as necessary.