How to deal with mom and her new boyfriend?
I hope it's ok that I'm posting here, even though I'm not a step parent, but a daughter.
My parents divorced a month ago because of my mom's depression, and my mom recently moved in with her boyfriend whom she supposedly met ~two weeks ago. I literally don't know anything about him, except his first name and that he likes physics and has children (but I don't know how many). When I went to their new apartment, he was just watching TV and assemblind furniture and not saying anything. Now you're probably wondering why I didn't ask him anything, but I'm very shy and the situation was awkward.
I've started to feel like I'm merely a guest and not a family member at my mom's apartment, because this silent guy is there all the time. My mom and I used to be very close and have great conversations, but now she feels distant and we just small talk. I have to walk on eggshells, because if I say something she doesn't like, she'll take it as a sign that I like my dad more than her. I'd like to visit her often, but I don't want to become an intruder in the middle of her new relationship. I'm going to move to another city soon, so I hope I can redeem our relationship before I leave.
I want to get along with the guy, but perhaps he doesn't want to? My mom has most likely badmouthed my dad at her boyfriend too and made him sound like a complete monster (my parents have fought a lot and said terrible things about each other), so the boyfriend might be repulsed by me because I have 50% the 'wrong' genes.
Another problem is that I'm already an adult (20 years), so maybe my mom thinks that our relationship isn't important anymore. But I think it's justified that I miss her, because she was in a psychiatric hospital almost continuously for the past 2 years, and I was allowed to meet her very rarely. I thought I would be able to talk to her more after she got out, but now I feel abandoned.
So my question is, if you were in my mom's or her boyfriend's situation, what would you want me to do?
I don't think the "new guy"
I don't think the "new guy" (or your parents' divorce) has anything to do with anything, really. You said that you and your mom "used to be very close and have great conversations", but that "she was in a psychiatric hospital almost continuously for the past 2 years, and I was allowed to meet her very rarely."
Sooooo... you had a good (or at least better) relationship a few years ago, but you haven't seen her much in the last couple years. It seems a little weird to me to expect your mom to come out of a psych hospital (and if she was there two years I'm thinking this was not a small issue she was dealing with) and expect her to be your BFF, you know? She's feeling her way back into her relationship with you, and maybe she's feeling a little awkward about it all. She's missed the last 2 years of your life (and the years between 18-20 bring a lot of changes), maybe she feels guilty for not being there for you, or like she doesn't know you as she once did, or fears that you hold a grudge against her for being "away" for that time. Who knows? Have you asked?
Talk to her. Not about the divorce, or the new guy - just tell her that you miss feeling close to her and that you'd like to work on your relationship with her. Tell her you'd like to see her more, maybe take her out to eat (as others have suggested) or see a show or just go for a walk. Whatever you guys have in common, something you'd both enjoy. Take the time to rebuild the relationship, and see where it goes.
I see this as an exciting
I see this as an exciting time in your life. You are about to fly! Use your mother's new phase of life to get over your own shyness. She is signaling she is no longer needing the closeness you describe you had with her -- this is way way way to your benefit. You have a mom with issues. Many of us do. You grew up feeling a sense of instability and insecurity and this likely contributed to your shyness. Being able to be close to your mom, in spite of it all, prevented you from really growing outward.
Now is the time to look to other relationships to get more of your needs met. You can start by practicing on mom's boyfriend. Be polite and friendly to him. Doesn't matter how he treats you back.** That'll help you learn that if someone is not warm to you, you won't die. And that's how you get over shyness.
Sure, take your mom out to lunch. This is an awesome way to start acting like an adult. At 20 you may not quite feel like an adult yet, but legally you are and this a great step toward getting comfortable with this great new adventure called Your Own Life. As a kid, you largely lived mom and dad's life. Time for them both to be altogether less important while you put yourself on center stage and go out and conquer the world on your own terms.
Mom is doing you a favor (whether she means to or not, considering how delicate she is) by stepping back. It allows you to turn your face outward toward your own life and fly.
**Assuming of course he is a normal human being and not a violent or abusive one.
if i was a woman i would want
if i was a woman i would want my man to be silent around other strange women. only a creep would be to chatty with other adult members of the oppisite sex. if i was the boyfriend i may want an exclusive relationship that didnt include a third party espeacily another woman. Threesomes with a mother and daughter arnt very nice.
^^^^^^^^ What the ever lovin
^^^^^^^^ What the ever lovin fuck are you on?
Definitely tell your mom how
Definitely tell your mom how you feel. It's not your job to like this guy, he should be making an effort too and your mom should make you feel welcome. You've been thru a lot with their divorce. I hope things get easier. You sound like a very nice person. If he doesn't like you, it's his loss!