After many years of knock out fights and some couples counseling, we have boundaries and set times for such phone calls. All BM-SKID calls are to be made or taken before 9pm. After 9pm it is our time to unwind spend time together, watch our shows or a movie. Any calls that come in after 9 are sent to VM and dealt with the next day. DONE NON NEGOTIABLE. I figure if it is a true emergency BM will hang up and call right back and still until we get 3 in a row we will not answer. SO will try to handle all visitation and any other SKID type stuff before he even sets foot in the door. I just don't even want to hear her gold digging snotty ass voice on the other end of the phone, if it can't addressed before he gets home then it's done by 9pm or not until the next day. Also SO will NEVER answer the phone if we are out on date night, shopping, hiking or any other time we are doing something together.

"If you don't feel you can handle this now...know that it will get much more intense as the years go by. So, if you can't handle it, do yourself a huge favor and move on now. It may be tough, but it'll be a damned site tougher 10 years down the road."

THIS

If you're feeling this way even though you have a sup portative BF and a BM who isn't causing problems, then step life may not be for you.

At a year in, I was so despondent over what I had done. It is better now at year 5. But, to be honest, that is because BM and SD18 are not a huge factor anymore. I don't recommend he get rid of his kid, but the problems lightened drastically when SD was out of this house.

It does get better, but you have to learn to work with it. Disengaging helps tremendously. Also, for us, it was separate interests and something we do together.

Several years in over here and our life still gets to screech to a halt if a skid calls. Difference is, I no longer care or let it stop MY life from moving on. If we're watching a movie, I keep watching the movie. He wants to miss 15 minutes of it to take a call in the next room, fine. I'm not going to sit there waiting.

I love my DH, I do. But the hard truth is, if I knew then what I knew now he would't be my DH. We have alot of happy times, and with every happy time there's two or three sad times. Whether it be the BM's, the skids, it's always there to overshadow our happy times. I've asked my self many times is it worth this, and have told myself many times he's not the last man on the planet, and have told myself how much I love him and I stick it out. But again, had I known what was instore for me I would have walked away from DH the night I met him and never looked back and prayed hard for the poor woman who did marry him because this is not an easy life, and it gets harder and harder.

I felt this way as well for about the first two years. BM would call BF about everything. She got a new BF or her and BF broke up. Everything. It really pissed me off.

I did leave for almost a year and things are much better now. When I first came back, I had to remind him a couple of times that he is not her BFF and they should only be discussing their children. If he wanted it any other way, I was leaving again.

Now he only replies to text from her that are about the kids and rarely speaks to her on the phone. The SKids call every day after school around 3 and I'm at work and don't have to deal with it.

She did call the other night about an issue with school and BF immediately told me I could stay in the room. Nah, I don't care anymore. They do need to be able to co-parent and that does mean communicating.

Like I said, in the beginning I cried a lot too. She was acting like they were still married and she leaned on him for everything. Sorry you lost that right when you divorced him. The only thing that fixed it was actually leaving.

You need to talk to SO about what your boundaries are going to be. But remember, if they are going to be good parents to their kids, they will have to communicate.

^^^^AGREED^^^^^ boundaries boundaries boundaries. SET THEM NOW and DO NOT bend or alter in anyway.
I too left for almost 18 months and only since getting back together has it changed. SO got engaged over the weekend and I thought for sure she was going to AMP up her BS again. Knock on wood so far all is still quiet but SO is already ready to NOT deal with her excessive contact if is should happen.

I think that the most important thing is how your husband responds to you getting upset. Is he concerned that his behavior is upsetting you? Is he willing to try new ways to communicate with his kids/BM that doesn't intrude on your time together or make you feel like you are not as important to him?

I had all the thoughts and feelings that you do at first, and some of them still creep in now and then. But my husband changed his behavior so that him and BM do not communicate as regularly, it is mainly through text message rather than phone calls. He had to start the change, he didn't respond to all of her texts/calls immediately. He only replied to those that were relevant to the kids and needed immediate responses. BM gave some kick back at first because she was used to being able to make him run around after her and always be on the phone for what ever emotional support she needed that day, or if she was just in a bad mood she could take it out on him. Eventually when my husband stopped being there for her, she must have found other things to do and outlets for her emotions because the frequent calls diminished and now communication is mainly through text and kid related and often kept away from me so that I don't have to be confronted with her presence continuously. Shit still happens, but much less frequently.

So my main advice is that your husband has to be the one to make the changes, and BM will follow if he is consistent. At first I had arguments with my husband to get him to see how upsetting his behavior was as he was reluctant to change but he did change because me being happy is important to him. I haven't left him or threatened to leave him as some others on here have done. Firstly because I don't want to put that threat of instability into my marriage and secondly because so far he has shown that he is willing to change even when he is at first reluctant. We can't always get things right first time but willingness to learn and adapt should be a key feature that your partner demonstrates for you to keep your sanity (and we all feel like we are loosing ours at some point or other).

Unfortunately the bio-mom and dad have to have a connection. I hated it when I had to see my BF and his child's mom speak. I finally realized that they have to because they have an attachment called a kid. They have to keep an "ok" relationship so they can both continue to see the kid. I found out that he wouldn't have anything to do with her if it was for their daughter. Yes, it really did suck at first when our relationship was new, seeing them talk about certain things off topic rather than her. It's a feeling of jealousy for me. Ask your boyfriend why they are on the phone so long, ask about the conversation and how their kid is doing. It can be bothersome that the conversations are that long but I suggest doing some digging. How long have you been together?

Your BF doesn't need to interrupt a movie for that. That's your couple time. He needs to respect that. He can talk to BM later, as long as the kid isn't in the emergency room.

I'm a big fan of email and BM and the dad communicating primarily that way. If they wanted to have long conversations about how to deal with minor school incidents, then they should have stayed married. They can be cooperative by email. (Although, if there's something that involves getting the kid counseling or medication, I understand there probably needs to be some discussion)

I know there are exceptions to that, and many couples co-parent by phone or what not, and it doesn't bother anyone, but it would bother me for the most part if it didn't involve an emergency situation.

If it's not an emergency, then BF can talk to BM the next day on his lunch break, while at work, or sometime not on your time.

Also, I've had a rule that I won't date a guy with young kids, as your situation would really bother me. It's the unscheduled aspect of it. Dads think they can parent the same way they always have been and still keep their girlfriends. They need to schedule these phone calls, and shouldn't just drop everything every time BM or a kid calls on the phone.

I have yet to successfully get along with a guy with kids. I'm hopeful I can someday get along with a guy with adult kids. I will not ever live with a man and his kids. It just will never work. I don't have the tolerance for getting pushed aside. I'd rather live alone than be second or often times last priority. But that's me.