On The Outside
I am 24 with no children of my own. When I met DH I became SM to four children, SS 6 SD4 SD9 SD12. We have them 50 percent of the time exchanging every Friday for 1 week. What I really hate is always being on the outside. I love my step kids but no matter how much I love them I will never be there mother. I will always be on the outside of things wishing I could be there next to them when it counts. A kid has surgery and I'm in the parking lot because BM is a complete idiot and instead of causing a lot of drama on a day that is about the kid I take the high road and just wait outside. This is the crappiest feeling in the world. I have them the same amount of time she does because DH works. I do bath time supper and homework. It's a lonely feeling. I've connected so much with all of them except the oldest. That's for another post lol
I'm sorry you feel this way,
I'm sorry you feel this way, it's one of the crappy things about being a step parent. How long have you been with your DH?
Almost 2 years. I went from
Almost 2 years. I went from no kids to four and it has been a rough road. I have no idea what I'm doing but I do treat them like they are mine. Then there is the issue if I want to have a child of my own. Five kids is a lot...
I'm in a similar boat as you,
I'm in a similar boat as you, feel free to send me a private message any time you need! I'm 25, and have been with my DH for 2 years, step mom to 3 (SD9, SD11, SS12). It is an adjustment period, I feel like only recently I've REALLY gotten used to having all the kids around, but my skids BM only takes them every other weekend so I suppose I'm a little more immersed in it.
The first thing I'd say is, you really need to decide ASAP how important having children of your own is to you. If it's something you feel you need to try then talk with your DH about it. Yes 5 kids is a lot (I actually want two of my own so we'd have 5!) but in all honesty, what's the big difference between 4 and 5?!?!
I say that all the time lol
I say that all the time lol once you have 4, 1 more isn't much a difference. It is a large adjustment just having kids around at all.... I'm not as tolerant as some people. You may not write on walls, you must wrap a dirty pad in toilet paper( yes. Really)... I could go on and on. The simple fact is that I expected their mother to teach them basic manners. I was wrong wrong wrong
What do you think about your
What do you think about your DH's parenting skills? Does he set boundaries and follow through? I don't have any issues with my DH's parenting but I see that as a major issue with many of the posters on this site, that their DH doesn't want to seem like the bad guy, so he just doesn't set rules/boundaries and that can make you end up feeling like the only parent, which you should not be!
How about your skids' BM? How is she? Is she high conflict? How does she view you being involved in the kids' lives?
After about a day in a half
After about a day in a half of reprogramming they get back to the rules of our house but that day in a half is rough one
Yes!! Reprogramming is right!
Yes!! Reprogramming is right! DH refers to dropping SD off as "going to do a factory reset," and he means it.
Oh yes. The post visitation
Oh yes. The post visitation Detox period. I remember it well. That is rough. In our case SS-22 would start a pre visitaiton behavioral degradation about a week before his Sperm Idiot visitation started and we would have about 3wks of post visitation detox when he got home. Our visitation schedule was 7wks a year (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring). Our situattion is far from yours though. We only had one. My bride was young when she had him (16) and we married the week before SS turned 2yo when his mom was 18 and I was 30. We met in college during her first semester and the last semester of my 11year undergrad plan.
Adding another kid or three to this mix should not be a catastrophic issue from the sounds of things. You and your DH seem to be solid partners.
All in all it sounds to me that your situation is actually pretty good all things considered. Don't forget to take care of yourself through all of this.
We do have a solid
We do have a solid relationship and any relationship takes work without stepchildren. Glad I have a place where I can vent and say things I know are immature but won't be judged all the same. After this past few weeks we have really only gotten closer through all of their trying to push us apart. We talk more in depth about the issues at hand and don't wait for things to find a solution. I'm grateful but that doesn't mean I don't completely insane at times lol in our current custody agreement we have them 4 weeks in the summer and the first full week of August, then every other weekend. For the last 3 months or so we have been doing every other week and that worked so well with the kids. Then the shit hit the fan. Hopefully he will cave just being served papers but I have a feeling it won't happen and the drama will ensue.
I have definitely had to step
I have definitely had to step back and see that when they are here with me that is it.... I'm not a part of their lives when they are gone. I had a step dad from the time I was 2 years old and I love him very much. I was an all out terror as a child so some of the things they do I understand but still won't tolerate. DH parenting is not something I have an issue with but if it's something that doesn't bother him and only me he's made it clear that if I make a rule we stick to it together. Example: no eating in bedrooms. I am the one that cleans up after everyone and I'm not cleaning food and trash out of bedrooms or spills that of course 'nobody' did. We have had to make some boundaries with the BM lately and it makes life harder on him but I'm not a taxi service. The one thing we having going in our direction is communication. If there's a problem we talk about it and see what we can do to fix my problem. Honestly I don't know if my problem will be fixed until I am a mother of my own child. At this point we both decided now is not the time but it's something I struggle with wanting it to be the right time.
I'm sorry to hear about your
I'm sorry to hear about your grandson if you can private message me his name I will pray for him put him on our prayer list
Wow - sounds like you're
Wow - sounds like you're taking on a lot. I truly commend you for taking on the responsibility and treating them as though they were your own, but are you sure this is what you want? You're only 24, you have the rest of your life ahead of you.
Life's too short to feel like an outsider and that you don't belong...and trust me, the feeling just gets worse. I eventually started feeling so isolated in my family home when the skids were around. I've now left DH, mainly because it was more than I can bare and I was incredibly unhappy and disconnected. I guess that's why I ask you to think carefully about what kind of future you'll have if you stay with this man and his kids...considering BM will be in your life forever too.
Give yourself some time to think about what exactly you want for your future. If you are absolutely sure you want to be with DH and his kids, establish some boundaries and rules, so that you don't feel like an outsider. You and your DH need to assert your authority - as you say, you have them half the time and do exactly what she does...you should not be ostracised. And you need your man to stand by your side and support YOU over BM at all times.
I am in a very similar
I am in a very similar position. I am 24 years old, about to marry a man with two girls after dating him for 3.5 yrs. I will have two SD6 and SD10. Not to mention, they are with two different BM so throw two BM in the picture. SD6 lives with us full time and SD10 only comes every other weekend. The hardest is SD6, getting use to the fact that her and I will never share the type of bond that she shares with birth mom or dad. The bond where they can do anything wrong and you still love them anyways. Don't hold it against them.
And, also that BM gets to take credit for this amazing little girl that I have raised for her. I tought her manners, I help with homework, get her from school when she's sick, take her to dance and apts. BM gets to be the fun parent every other weekend. It's frustrating to deal with, not to mention BM doesn't ever bother to thank you for taking care of her children and treating them like they are yours. They see you as an obstacle who takes their kids rather then see that you could be a much worse step parent who treats them like crap instead of your own.
You need to decide if you want kids. IF you do, your man needs to decide if he wants more. if not, leave. This will never change.
Another thing I've learned is to insert myself. As hard as it is, and as much as you just want to give in- insert yourself. Act as if you're their mom, even thought everyone knows your not. Show them you are a family and the mother figure while they are there. As they see it, they will come more use to it. When we did every other week it was harder for me also.
I also learned that, kids can sense your tension or resentment towards them. So try your best to not have it r reflect is cause when they sense it they cling to dad or mom instead of feeling welcome by you. I know it's hard
The two oldest have decided
The two oldest have decided they don't want to stay with us and she has gone back on our agreement of one week and week. So we are supposed to do everything by the papers again. It's funny though that her boyfriend breaks up with her and all of a sudden she wants the kids all the time and that extra cash. She's completely money hungry and is going to shit when she's served with papers next week
I am also 24, been with my
I am also 24, been with my partner for 2 years so was 22 when I started dating him and got to know my SD (ok technically not my SD yet but still). However she was only 2 back then so is now 4 and our relationship is very good.
However I do know what you mean in terms of feeling like an outsider, in the beginning I had moments of feeling that way too. Alot of it is down to perspective, other things are just how you manage them.
For example, I loved that my partner and the BM would only over swop SD over at a public place, meaning BM is never at my house but I hated that I then felt like I was stuck at the house waiting for my partner to return with SD. It felt like our days were on hold. I didnt want to go to the hand overs as I felt that to be inappropriate unless my presence was needed. So I started doing other things, Id keep myself busy and stop the habit of waiting. Time goes so much slower when you are waiting. Keep busy, do something you enjoy.
Also, for when SD is here for the weekend I actually work one day in the weekend. Which means my partner gets a day to himself with SD and in a sense I get the day to myself. I sleep in since I have to go to work, ok sometimes Im up with them both at 7am but sometimes Ill sleep through till 9am, Ill spend the morning with them and off I go to work. It means the last day of the weekend I get to enjoy SD as she has missed me too and I realised I just felt more involved. But I realised alot of these little things were completely about my interpretation. My partner is a great dad, but hes no disney dad and he certainly does not neglect me when SD is here.
I love my SD, but if I am home all weekend she starts to grind my patience. And she is one of the most well behaved children I have ever met, her teachers at school, and after school care say the same thing. Yet the adjustment of being childless to having a child around that isnt yours can be irkesome, but what you have to identify is are these irks on you or on the child or on your partner.
Once you can start to identify what is triggering you to feel lonely, then you can make changes. If its that you feel left out, then remove yourself for one of the days they are there. Give them that time alone with dad and you take that time alone for yourself or out with friends so you can miss out the excessive "daddy ive missed you" and can enjoy a day all together the following day.
If its about old stories and old traditions then change them, make new memories, new traditions for your household.
But most importantly is having the open conversation with your partner. His support and his understanding is what will make the ultimate difference to you.
Words are cheap, any man can say any thing, but actions are golden. A man who loves and wants you to be happy with move heaven and earth to help you get there.
We are supposed to get all
We are supposed to get all four children tonight at 5 pm for our Thanksgiving holiday and honestly it's a possibility she won't show to drop them off. Which of course will look bad on her but if she does show up I have another issue. DH will be working Monday-Wednesday. They usually stay with me when it's our time not a problem. Now they don't want to stay with me because I'm awful horrible evil step mom. So do we change our schedule and let them know this bratty unwarranted behavior will get them somewhere or do we keep our schedule and show them I'm not going anywhere and there little plan won't work? We are thinking we will do the latter but my feelings are hurt and I'm pissed the older ones are pulling this crap. I kind of want them to know I don't want to keep them if they are going to be that way. Then again I dont want them to know it's getting to me.... Agh it's a freaking minefield. Luckily I can talk to DH about it all and over breakfast in between his meetings with the kids teachers we had a heart to heart. He will do whatever makes me feel comfortable. If I dont want to keep them this week he will drop them off at their mothers Sunday. I feel like that would show them I'm not leaving and their attitude will only get them less time with their dad. Still then the major point would be they are still losing time with their dad. It's just a complete shitstorm emotionally for me. The guilt of feeling like I'm the problem( DH never makes me feel that way) that as much as I try to be there and do all the fun things nothing changes that I'm this awful horrible person. BM has the two older girls 12,9 so brainwashed. She has them believing their dad left her for me. Hell I didn't even live in this state when he left her... But they really believe I broke up their family.
I can't believe the number of
I can't believe the number of young adults living this life. I can't help but wonder what went wrong.
My son is 23 and I have a bunch of cousins who are 18-25. None of them children. They are all in college, grad school, med school or starting out on their careers. When they aren't working or in. lass, they are out with friends enjoying life, not stuck at home playing nanny to someone else's kids. None them will give a man or woman with kids the time of day. One cousin (she's 23) told her mother, my sister and I that a man with kids can't do a thing for her except show her which way the childless man went.LOL
These blogs are so sad.
I am happy with my life as a
I am happy with my life as a step mom and with my DH. I don't think because we have problems like many young couples that it's a sad life. You don't give up on someone you love because they are holding a few bags when you meet them. You grab a bag and help. I help and he helps. Kids can be mean and cruel and this wasn't something that was thrown on me without notice. I know from being a step child how they feel even though I won't tolerate their behavior. My understanding only makes it harder at times. I understand why a lot of women shy away from a ready made family. I won't give up on the love of a lifetime because he's got some kids. I think you only find a real true love once in your life and if happens to have kids and he is that love of a lifetime he will support you and make sure no harm comes to you emotionally or physically. Dot get me wrong sometimes my skids are total brats but so will my own children. I went to college and hung with friends and traveled to Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam. I've lived and experienced things most people never will. Now I have time to pass all of my memories to someone else.
Think back in your life on who had the most influence on you as a child. Anyone I've asked this has named a teacher, a friend, someone I the community. It's very rarely a parent. Since I am not their parent I can give them things and advice that they may not accept from their parents. I'm grateful I have that opportunity regardless of howuch they dislike me now because of their mothers influence.