She can vent all she wants but ultimately BM can't say shit for anything that will limit your interface and participlation in the Skid's education or school. At worst she can force a separate PT conference between herself and the teachers. Your DH can have his own conference with the teacher and you can participate all you want in that if BM turns herself into a big enough PITA to the school that they would agree to separate conferences. If she makes herself too big of a harpy on the issue she will be the one to be banned from the school. Keep your cool, be professional and reasonable in your dealings with the school and let BM rant her way to being 86d from your Skid's school.

I was fully involved in SS's education from day one until he graduated from HS. No one ever said shit for nothing about why I was involved. I was his dad, his mom and I were at every PT conference (except during tax season when she was not available and I went, or when I was on an international business trip and could not be there so she went), every school function, every concert, play, football game, swim meet, etc....

Go, be as fully engaged in the Skid's education as you choose to be. Volunteer as the Skid's class mom, or in any other capacity you want to volunteer as. The school likely will welcome your time. A Step Parent is a parent. The core of that title is PARENT. Step is just the prefix that describes the biology which when it comes to the Skid's education and school is irrelevent.

Fuck BM.

IMHO and experience of course.

She can very well stop you from having direct one on one direct contact with her son's teachers. Dh and she are the parents and are the ones who should be having any one on one. The parent/teacher conference was harmless enough IF your Dh would have scheduled a separate conference with teacher rather than having a joint conference with BM (most schools will schedule the parents into two different time slots with so many spilt families asking for the arrangement now days).

But think about it. You attended the child's parent/teacher conference , asked several questions and made the mother feel threatened by your over involvement (in her view of this) and technically you are not the child's parent at all...to BM you had no business being there. No mother is ever thrilled to pieces having to 'share' their child and no mother wants to think another woman is anywhere near as 'important' in a child's life as she is. Bottomline? She didn't appreciate nor ask for you sticking your nose into what she deems none of your business nor place.

On the other hand, if DH had scheduled his own separate conference and you had attended with DH , asked a few questions or concerns over child's homework and classroom achievements ect, you'd likely not have had any problems and BM would not of had any choice in how that meeting went or that you attended.

If you enjoy helping SS at home with homework and his learning experiences, great. No reason you shouldn't be doing that with him It's nice that you are willing to assist him and have a desire to see him thrive in his educational process. But what you must not do is shove it in BM's face or ever make her feel you're taking over her and/or Dh's role as 'parent'.

If Bm is the one who wants to volunteer in the classroom (field trips, room mother blah blah), you need to step back and allow her to do this. For one, no classroom needs two 'mothers' per kid to volunteer, and 'mother' is her role if she chooses to undertake the participation at school.

My SD7 doesnt even live with us, but her school knows me (the SM) BETTER than BioMom....in fact, SD7 has been released form school to me when ill cos OH is at work and they cant get hold of BM, and I have attended meetings too...BM only cares about it when it benefits her to care...

I had a situation two years ago where I personally knew SD's preschool teacher. She is a friend of my aunt's and I was around her at various community events growing up. We were friends on Facebook. When I found out she was SD's teacher, I just sent her a quick message to say hi and that I knew she was SD's teacher.

She replied by inviting me to come to visit the classroom any time I was in town. She said "we have an open door policy". I work full time, so I didn't think I'd ever be able to go. However, about a month later, I had a doctor's appointment in the town that SD lives in. I sent a message to the teacher saying that I would be in town and asking if it would be okay to take her up on her offer to visit the classroom. I didn't get a response that day so I didn't go. I also told my husband that he should let BM know if I was going to do it, so I didn't think it was appropraite to go if she wasn't aware of it. I wanted to make sure I didn't overstep my boundaries as a step parent. I told the teacher as much in a message to her.

About a week later, BM called my husband and freaked out on him. Apparently the teacher had told her that I was potentially going to visit the classroom and BM was not okay with it. There was obviously a huge misunderstanding about the situation. BM claimed that the teacher told me I was not allowed to visit but that I insisted anyway. So someone lied about what actually happened. We sent BM the messages between me and the teacher, but she still didn't believe my story even after she saw the proof in black and white.

I later found out that the teacher is known for being quite unprofessional and gossipy.

After this incident, BM signed a document banning me from visiting SD's school.

Honestly there should have been 2 separate conferences. The 3 of you there together has disaster written all over it.

I am new to this and I am young so I may not be as experienced but I think it's ridiculous that some people think you should stay out of it. There isn't a thing that BM can do about it especially if you and your husband have majority custody. I am in the same situation, I along with my husband take SS to school everyday, pick him up, help with his homework, sign him up for activities and etc. BM picked him up from school ONCE, did not show up for his first day, she doesn't even know his teacher's name or what time he gets out of school. Yet she bitches about me saying that I should not be on his emergency contacts list and I am not allowed to take him to school. She flipped out because his teacher told her that she thought I was SS's mom. I think you are doing the right thing being involved in your stepchild's school life. F*** BM seriously.

A lot of NCP Dads do the same thing. This is not exclusive to women.

It sounds like BM really made an a$$ of herself. You do have a right to be there considering you do the homework with the child and play a big role in child's life as well.

I do agree that separate conferences should have been made to avoid this kind of thing. Maybe BM felt threatened by something teacher said or one of the questions you asked like "why didn't I think to ask that"? IDK.

I honestly don't think she can stop you from contacting the school, teacher or volunteering at the school. She could through court, but her going off was probably just being mad and even if she did take it to court, probably wouldn't get anywhere with it.

You are another concerned party about SS's education and I'm sure the court will see nothing wrong with that at all. BM sounds like she is just being totally irrational.

Did you get this situation resolved? I am new to this site and was reading through old messages. Ever heard of FERPA? If you live in the United States then you do in fact have legal rights of your own as a step-parent and as an extension of your husband in regards to the education of your stepchildren. Whether she likes it or not. Those rights can only be taken away by a judge in the court order and even then they are treading on thin ice.

Hi,
I am a teacher and a very involved stepmom. We have custody.

Please do not step backwards from caring about the child. The child lives in YOUR home. Nobody would tell you not to participate or help if the child was stricken with a disease and needed constant care. Guess what, the child needs constant care! The BM should THANK YOU for caring. She is a divorced mom, and dealing with a stepmom comes with the territory.

Have your husband request two conferences and don't get into public drama. Remember that you are role-modeling how to be a step-parent. Your stepchild might be a step-parent some day, or be on the look-out to marry a step-parent. Show love, compassion, sincerity, etc. It does not mean you are trying to be the mom.

My philosophy is that my bride and I are married and as she is the CP ... WE have custody. Sure, legally and officially I had zero standing but since I swing the big old long and heavily loaded check book I got to participate as much or as little as I chose.

Never once did anyone outside of a court room attempt to exclude me. Not a school, not a doctor's office or hospital, not an airport or air lines, never.

Sure, I was excluded from the courtroom when they excluded witnesses but I stood at the door looking through the window for the entire day. My bride knew I was there, the SpermIdiot knew I was there and was very un-nerved by my looming presence. When I was called to the stand I then got to inject my perspective. Yes, the judge informed me that I was not a party to the case but could not answer me logically when I asked him how if I was not a party to the case how was my money a party to the case and he just about stroked out when I told him he could not have it both ways and if I was not a party to the case they he nor anyone else needed to know what my income or assets were. Now that was fun.

So, take every right you choose to take and let no one tell you otherwise except someone in authority but only then if they can clearly tell you why you can’t do as you choose.

In my case I was threatened with contempt of court, I still refused to provide my income information and the judge informed me that if I said another word he would hold me in contempt. It is hard to tell him what your income is if he has silenced you so I loved sitting there giving him the “could you possibly be this stupid” stare while he ranted at me to provide my income information after telling me if I said another word when my income information was requested he would hold me in contempt. That was fun. I did eventually give him my income and asset information eventually then immediately ran a full page ad in his local paper outlining why the idiot should not be re-elected after ) ruling that a 2yo should be forced to serve visitation with a known serial statutory rapist. (Complete with a pic of the judge and of the statutory rapist SpermIdiot) His honor was not too happy about that but I sure enjoyed it and really enjoyed it when his office called our attorney to ask me not to run the ad. Someone at the newspaper called his secretary to notify them of the full page ad.

As I said, take every right, responsibility, and authority you choose to take and anyone who tries to interfere can KYA. You do have custody as much as your DH does.

IMHO of course.