Goodness. I am only 2 years into the step relationship. In my 50's. But, the "bottom-line," read money/assets has come up in the back of my mind. I feel horrible for even thinking it, but perhaps it's inherent. Then there is the "mine/non-mine" issue. It's like picking scabs in that I am discovering more mean-spiritedness in myself than I would have thought possible.

" ... before my incarceration into this loony bin." --- OP

Don't sign off on trust docs which you do not support 100 %. Seriously. What are they gonna do ?

I've got the funky, AWOL, felony-warrant SD who hates my guts and left the home after meeting me twice. (whole other story) I've got the SGD with an entire raft of issues ...

So, yes, I've wandered off to the land of the safe therapist to speak with when I can.

My Dad is going through something similar. He has been re-married for 20 year and recently, his wife went and changed her will and cut him out leaving everything in a trust to her daughter. Last year, signed over their lake home. The daughter has inherited over 2 MM in the last few years from grandparents and has spent it all. My father has had it and is now divorcing my SM. He is done.

If I were in your spot, I would be too. Life is too short to have someone not value you. This is not about the money, this is about what he places importance on and that is not you. I have been widowed and let me tell you, I will not do it again, unless I am sure I am provided for fairly. So I made DH get another large life insurance policy. I am protected, but not with the house. I am not on the title, so it is split with me and the two kids according to GA law, but I get everything else. DH refuses to do a will and now I don't want him to after checking it all out, I am better off without one. If he does one, he will leave more to his kids than they are presently entitled to.

My will stands and since DH won't do his, I won't re-do mine leaving it to him. Right now BS19 gets it all. DH only gets my IRA. You have to do what is best for you. If he insists on doing this, then make him take out more life insurance with you as the beneficiary. There has to be a way to make it fair. But, if he won't it is time, to consider maybe there is someone else out there for you.

Yes. Married one year and started therapy at beginning of Year Two. Just went for a few months but it helped, even though the therapist herself was not someone I would recommend strongly.

Now, about the trusts.... I would advise him not to do it. My stepkids have a granddad on their mom's side who has already done trusts for them and just recently announced he would pay for their college on top of that. Last night we went to college night at sd15's high school and BM announced to us in front of SD15 that they would be skipping the financial aid presentation cuz grampa's got it all covered. Dh and I froze our faces. Then vented to each other on the way home.

These kids don't even know their grampa. BM makes no effort to nurture any kind of relationship between them. Bm has already sucked up tens of thousands of her dad's money in hare-brained schemes and black hole spending. Skids showed not the slightest bit of emotion, concern, or even interest when their gramma (Bm's mom) recently died.

It is my opinion that granddad's money is not doing these kids the slightest bit of good. If SD15 had any inkling that college might not come so easily to her, she might actually show up to high school classes or turn in an assignment once in awhile. She might start saving her birthday money or looking for opportunities to earn some. Instead she lolls about in her big comfy pillow of entitlement - not caring a fig for anyone else and not valuing anything and certainly not being nice to anyone or working toward anything, including her own future.

When I first heard about granddad's offer to pay for college, I had all these thoughts: He may need that money himself! He may need a nursing home at some point, he could afford a nice one if he doesn't dump the money on an able bodied young person. BM's 4 siblings may very well throw a big stink over her already getting way more than her fair share of any inheritance. Granddad may need to remodel his home for disability needs as he gets older. Now that his wife is gone, he could travel, go on adventures, work on projects to re-engage him in life and get over his grief.

I can think of unlimited ways to spend that money that would do more good than letting a fifteen year old flunkie swan about the high school feeling superior that she never has to work for anything.

Yes, if I were you, I would consider leaving him. If you are unable to get him to work with you as a team and value you and now he wants you to sign away everything you built together in a long marriage, it would seriously be time to think about building a better life for yourself without him and his leeches.

And f that Christmas crap. Christmas is for rejoicing that we are here together -- not for letting the food dry out while you pine over greedy manipulators on Skype. Pick now, Mr. ConfusedinDenver, because CID is not spending one more holiday like that. Ever.

Yup! Been with DH 5 years and married 2. I made him come to counseling with me before I would marry him because of all the step issues. We have not been back to counseling but we sure could use it. For now, I am on anxiety meds to deal with it all.

Yep! We ended up in counselling after 1.5 years of dating thanks to his mini-wife and controlling bitch of a BM.

First time for me in counselling and boy! eye opener! I'm very grateful that she was experienced in blended families and helped us sort out our issues with SD's manipulation, SO's disney parenting and the whole step-family dynamic.

I see the most common problems of us here is dealing with step daughters. If it wasn't for this site and the Counsellor, I would have run for the hills.

I have only been a SM for two years, I am in therapy now. I love my husband, but I do not love his kids. I have already spoken to him about the money situation. I have children of my own. It is not my resposibility to provide for his children and I won't. Not now, not when they are grown. He's always said if my kids ever need a place to stay after they're 18 they can always stay with me. To that I reply well then, where will I stay?
I am not going to work almost my entire adult life and save money just to support your children. I don't care if their BM isn't a good role model and they could end up spongeing off of people the way she does. They can sponge off her. She taught them that behavior, she can enable it as well. I will not. If that means keeping our money seperate then so be it.
That is what I've been getting from therapy. It isn't my job to provide for his children. And it is very unfair of him to ask me to.

Seen the therapist today, as a matter of fact!

Been with DH for 4 years, married for one. We have all 4 of our kids under one roof, full time. I had to reach out to a therapist to save myself. The job of trying to blend two families has fallen solely on my shoulders. I deal with the "you're not my mom" drama, and the mother in law nonsense more often than I'd like to admit. I had tried every sort of outlet, but nothing worked. I finally had a melt down one day and admitted to my husband that I was so stressed and upset that I just wanted to walk away from everything and everyone. I just wanted to walk out my house, down my driveway, and disappear completely. And I didn't mean walk away, I meant vanish.

I was dealing with so much mentally that I figured that the only way to make things acceptable for everyone would be to just disappear, permanently. My kids could go live with their dad, and then my skids wouldn't have to share anything with them. My husband wouldn't have to handle the stress that come with being a step parent, full time. My mother in law would no longer have to complain about her daughter in law and how "wrong I'm raising HER grandkids".

After begging and pleading for my family to stop the drama got me nowhere, I realized that if I want something to change, I'd have to figure it out myself. I still have days when nothing goes right, and it truly feels like I'm the captain of a sinking ship. But with therapy and the ability vent my frustrations at the gym, I'm slowly gaining ground. I'd never walk away from my responsibilities as a mother and step mother. My family needs me and I need them.

I just can not believe the amount of people who have had to have therapy because of DHs and Skids?? How freakin awful that we are all surrounded by people who have literally sent us near the edge because of their revolting behaviour.

And the only reason I haven't gone this road myself is from pure stubbornness, the "I'm not the one with the problem" scenario....I really think my DH and his Skids are the ones that need the therapy and counselling on how to behave and be decent human beings living in a normal society!!

Together 5, married 1, in counseling since April. I look forward to it so we can talk and it's a place we know we're going to talk so it's not like I'm starting conflicts. Plus he backs up our ideas and DH sees things from 3rd party perspective. Find a good counselor, ours doesn't give HW or give real advice needed to step families I notice. He tries to make us into one happy family etc and isn't very aggressive and I feel like I do most of the talking. He repeats himself most sessions. We need a new counselor

My husband and I started seeing a therapist 10 MONTHS into our marriage!! Things were beyond difficult and she helped me realise that I was borderline depressed. I have since filed for divorce - after only 16 months of marriage and 18 months of dating before that.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Together two years and married for one. We have just started seeing a counselor. I have no children and my DH has a 6 yr old son. Before we were married I told him that I didn't love his son and that I probably never would. I also told him that I would never be financially responsible for the skid, ever. I make much more than my DH and there's no way I'm footing the bill for his decision that was made 4 years prior to having met me. We have no shared financial accounts as a result. However, I do end up paying for way more of the household stuff due to the ridiculous monthly amount of his child support and I'm really beginning to resent it.

Unfortunately, our counselor is a bit dippy and she's made the all-purpose statement that I knew about all of this going into it. Apparently, the statements I made to my DH prior to marriage are of no account. She also suggested that I try baking cupcakes with the skid in order to "connect." The fact that I work 50-60 hours a week in IT and make more than my DH is of no consequence. I should still be donning an apron when I get home and turning into a fairy stepmother/Martha Stewart hybrid who also pays for everything. Needless to say, I'm looking for another counselor.

I'm so sorry that after 25 years, you're going through this now. I would definitely not sign that form. Your husband has no right to bankroll the grand-skids at your expense. And I know what you mean about Xmas. I've only had to do two so far and I'm already cringing over the next one. I'm pulling all the strings to make sure that we go to visit my family and avoid the skid altogether.

Yep! I had no problems prior to my problems with step kids. They caused situational depression and a breakdown for me.
This stuff can really worn it's way into your mind

I have been in therapy since my baby was 3 months old - she is now 8 months old. I felt very depressed about having a child born into chaos. i kept asking myself WTF have I done to be in this and drag my daughter into it.

Other people may call it petty but i used to get depressed when my partner would forget my daughter's name and call her by his horrid daughter's name. He would complain thet when his kids were around all I did was potter around with our daughter - I remeber him saying that on a weekend when she was only 5 weeks old. Who doesn't devote their life to a 5 week old. He would say if i had an older kid I'd still have to entertain her - but news flash - my baby was my first and I felt no obligation to play hide and seek with his kids after a sleepless night of baby feeds while he covered his ears with a pillow.

the skids warmed up to the baby but refused to acknowledge me. They would ask their dad to hold the baby even if i was holding her liek I wasn't even there. At first he would do whatever skids wanted but now he's really changed and understands that the skids have to know that I'm the baby's mum and I'm not some invisible vapour in their midst.

Therapy has made me stronger and bolder and given me more confidence in approaching my partner about the skids, his family and the ex. I only hjave 2 more sessions then I have to go back to work full time. I will miss my therapist but i feel better equpped.

Everytime i look at the filthy house and the skids stomping around the house or hearing them whinge I wish I was back in my apartment which was a pleasant little place although my partner has always looked down on it.

Now I just dread my daughter picking up her half brother and sisters bad behaviours.

My DH's 6-year-old son stopped talking to me right after my DH and I were married. That's what started the therapy journey (see my previous post in this forum). I've always been pleasant toward the skid and have made a point to not do any harm. Sometimes I work harder to engage with the skid than others. However, when I have stuff to do on the skid weekends that's my priority. For example, tomorrow I have a 5-mile trail race and my friend's dad's 70th birthday party. On those types of weekends I'm not going to hang around and make sure the skid is "comfortable." Not my job, not my monkeys. And if it was my job, you better make sure you're paying me my consultant rate.

I've told my DH that it's disrespectful of the skid to not acknowledge me in my own home (that I pay more than half for). My DH claimed that it was because I didn't try to engage him enough. I said f' that. Parents teach their children how to be respectful. It's up to my DH (and the biomom) to teach the skid how to be respectful.

My DH has continued to disagree with me, claiming that his son is just shy. But DH had a come-to-jesus moment during our therapy session this week when the (dippy) therapist said that the skid was acting out and that my DH had to correct the situation. So maybe therapy does have benefits. We'll see how this weekend goes.