New here and need to vent!
I've been a SM for almost 3 years...and I hate it! My DH is a wonderful and sweet man but he is more concerned with being liked than raising a self sufficient daughter. My SD11 is not a bad kid but I've always felt she is socially under developed. BM is a lying, manipulative, whoring waste of flesh. The only arguments/disagreements/fights DH and I have ever had have been about BM and SD. For the first year I tried to connect with BM and be friendly for the sake of SD but she lied straight to my face and tried to use tears to manipulate me into capitulating to her desires. BM makes unilateral decisions that directly effect my life and DH usually just says yes because it's easier than fighting with her. Evidently she's a bigger bitch than I am. It has gotten better since I had to call the police when BM dropped the SD off at our house for a week wo prior agreement. Mostly I just avoid any contact with BM. My biggest issue is that DH doesn't have age appropriate expectations of his daughter. At age 11 she is still unable to hold utensils properly or eat wo getting food all over her face and clothes. She has no table manners; chewing with mouth open, drinking in loud gulps, using her fingers on all foods. She has horrible hygiene, often smelling like a homeless man. She has to be told to wear clean clothes and brush her hair. Most confounding to me is her inability to tell when clothes don't fit. I've had to stop her from wearing leggings that were 4" from her crotch and only halfway covering her butt and socks that don't even reach her heel. She looks like she dressed in the dark but is praised as creative. SD has no friends because she is still not able to hold a conversation that isn't about her. Her sense of entitlement drives me batty...I can't have anything for myself wo her asking for some and she speaks about my belonging as though they belong to her (Do we have...?) I've tried to share grooming tips and take her shopping but I can't get her to be interested. I'm so frustrated with SD lack of improvement that I find myself losing patience with her and just wanting her to go away. DH doesn't want me to nag his child and says she'll learn those skills on her own schedule but I can't allow it to happen in front of me wo saying something. I feel like I'm the only one who cares more about her development than being her friend. Both bio parents feels guilty about the divorce and praise the SD on everything she does...even when it's not done well. I don't want to be the asshole all the time, spelling out rules and expectations that no one else seems to care about. I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with her, my DH has a type so SD looks like she could be my kid. I don't know what to do. I feel myself becoming more bitter with each visit.
PS I love that the abbreviation for Bio Mom is the same as bowel movement...seems apt }:)
I guess I am really lucky
I guess I am really lucky that BM doesn't cook, since ss12 loses his shit onces he see's ground turkey thawing , which means....tacos!
I've been slowly working us onto tofu meat, which DH doesn't even notice LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!! which...is not what this post is about, just wanted to share the funnies!!!
Can you work with her at all with the hair brushing thing and utensil eating? My ss slurps up noodles so quick I am so happy to take him to the olive garden you couldnt bat your eyes twice!!
If it doesn't get better, I would eat elsewhere, let your dh know that you are pissed and make him fix it. I am waiting on mine to fix a few things, we shall see.
Change your tactics. Kids
Change your tactics. Kids don't need their parents to be their friend. They need parents. their peers can be their friends.
Stop fighting with the kid or belittling her to her father. Yes, that's how he'll see your helpful suggestions and he'll come out defending her. Cut to it straight and simple. Before her next arrival inform DH that you'll need him to have SD take a hot shower and wash her hair. DH and you are taking SD out for a few things and she can't try on clothing dirt/smelly. Pitch the out grown clothing from her closet. Dh needs to buy her a few basic outfits for your house (leggings that fit, socks that fit , some cute but simple tops, a pair of jeans and a couple packages of undies).
You don't want to seen with a child who looks like an ill-fitted homeless bag lady, then put DH's money where his mouth is. He's not being her friend by neglecting his kid's wardrobe (and no, I don't care if he pays CS and the saying 'that is what CS is for'...this is his kid in his home and he needs to see to it that while the child is there she is presentable). She's to leave the clothing at your house.
If Dad won't teach his kid manners at the dinner table, stop cooking them dinner. Why go to all that trouble of making a meal to only sit at the table disgusted by manners or picking the shit out of the kid...it makes it miserable for everyone. If DH wants weekend dinners again he'll teach kiddo how to eat. Same with going out to eat. Nope, not dining out on SD's weekends. If he wants to do those type of things as a family unit, he'll have to teach the kid how to properly eat. He's not being her friend, but rather doing his child a disservice. His kid and him can eat hand sandwiches of P&J all weekend if that's what he wants, but simply no more cooking nor eating with you until it can be in a civilized manner.
Thanks for the advice. During
Thanks for the advice. During our second year I was taking classes and totally disengaged because I didn't have the desire to talk about it anymore. There have been a few improvements in DH behavior but it's inconsistent. I have tried the buying clothes for her thing and making a list for her packing at home and every weekend it's like she's never heard about packing before. There are no consequences in SD life and I'm not allowed to punish her...though I often make her write me sentences. DH really wants me to be involved so we can be a family but we don't see eye to eye on anything that concerns SD. When we first married I cooked big meals for us all but now I mostly hide in my room when she's around or send her into hers. What really pisses me off now are the lectures I get about missing out on having a great kid in my life when I couldn't disagree more. He truly doesn't believe that my expectations are reasonable but they are really really basic things my nephew's could do by age 5...and they were hard playing boys. I feel like if I had my own kids he'd better respect my point of view but SD is the world's best birth control. I feel better knowing I'm not alone in my less than ideal situation.
My SD13 is the same way. She
My SD13 is the same way. She has been with DH and I for almost 2 years FT. I would always tell her to pull her chair in, sit up, put your hair behind your ears and out of your plate, don't take such a big bite you'll choke, your socks are too short, your shirt is too small, are you wearing a bra, are you wearing deodorant, brush your teeth you have braces now, brush your hair.....For the love of God! I tried to do everything to guide this child towards being a young adult and finally started disengaging last July. I don't cook dinner anymore and DH pokes fun at me for it. My back is killing me when I get home and I don't want to cook and eat with a doofus Skid who knows how to have manners but doesn't think it's important.
That's alright, sweetie, your report card will be here sooner than you know it. SM has been peeking at your grades..... }:) }:) }:)
~ Moon
Although this may not be the
Although this may not be the "right" way to handle situations but works for me: BRIBERY, BRIBERY, AND MORE BRIBERY! But it is imperative that you follow through, so only offer things you are willing to do or give. If you want her to do something; communicate your expectation clearly and give her an incentive for doing it correctly and timely. For example, regarding table manners, MODEL for her the desired behavior, have her parrot. Tell her if she does it the ENTIRE meal, you'll take her for ice cream and DO IT! Regarding hygiene, it needs to be a daily regimen (baby steps), but when she does do it, OVERLY-praise her and pour it on thick! Like how pretty her looks when it's clean and brushed, or how good she smells when she takes a bath. Be sure to set her up for success, especially at first. Be consistent by having her do it at the same time, everyday! It's extremely difficult, and she WILL give you a hard time, but be firm and just keep repeating the direction until she complies; using your body language and facial expression that you mean business, and DONT GIVE IN and it will get easier. Consequence: she can't play/watch tv, etc until she washes up. When buying new clothes-have a little fashion show for you and her dad and do her hair and put make-up on her. Have her do yours as well. Also, daughters LOVE their daddy's and want nothing more than to spend time with them, so offer a "day with dad".
And they fly in the kitchen, with a smile. Lol. But it doesn't always have to be monetary.
I also implement an allowance system (nothing motivates kids more than money) "If you clean the kitchen I'll give u x dollars"
Other incentives: take her swimming, to the park, give each other mani/pedi, do crazy makeovers where u do each other's hair wild, watch a movie of her choice, make up a dance together...ideas are endless. Of course, make sure you give your dh a heads up, and maybe he can help come up with some ideas. Remind him: HAPPY WIFE; HAPPY LIFE...Amen. Hope this helps...let me know. Good luck!
at a certain point you need
at a certain point you need to disengage. i would not bribe the child to do anything as this may produce a sense of entitlement. dh did this with chores for the skids and then the skids wanted money for cleaning their own rooms.
Welcome, I hope you find this
Welcome, I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.
What you are dealing with is fairly common for any family with a pre-teen. I can often be worse when the pre-teen is a Skid that is dealing with differing hygiene requirements between two households.
My SS would return from a Sperm Land visitation that would make a septic worker proud beginning when he was a toddle rand continuing until he was a pre-teen. Ughhhh. He smelled so bad when we would pick him up from the airport that he could gag a maggot. We would immediately drive from the airport to his Pediatricians office so that we could get professional documentation of the black grunge between his toes, fingers, in his crotch, and under his arm pits. Document the butt rott that was so bad he had puss filled welts all over his ass cheeks and his anus was raw and bleeding.
Then we would take him home for the post visitation detox and clean up. That poor kid would howl when we bathed him his anus would burn so bad from coming in contact with water.
As he got older our post visitation clean up and detox adjusted to him bathing himself. We would make him bathe before bed, put on clean underclothes and bring us the dirty ones from that day to demonstrate that he had in fact changed.
As the adult in your home you can set the expectation that SD-11 will not accompany you on any outing including family dinners if she is not bathed and appropriately dressed in presentable clean clothing. You must hold your DH to enforcing your standard in this.
The first time you are all heading out the door for dinner and you stop SD at the door and say “you smell and you will not be coming to dinner with us until you shower and change. You have 15 mins to get it done!” Then turn to DH and tell him to step up and parent or you will.
If SD eats like an animal at the table, take her plate and send her to her room. If she does it while eating out then correct her publically and bare her ass and daddy’s ass in front of whoever is there. No warnings, just do it. No chewing with her mouth open, no eating with her hands, ZERO TOLERANCE!!!
Beyond enforcing your behavior requirements disengage. But, enforce your behavioral requirements consistently, forcefully, and effectively.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.