Dear Carolyn,

I am the stepmother to two young adults, a 26-year-old boy and a 30-year-old girl. They are both married without children and their mother is deceased. I have five kids of my own, all over 35.

Every year my children come up for at least one holiday with their spouses and families. My stepchildren have not visited for the holidays in the four years my husband and I have been married. When they visit, they are polite but aloof.

I really want to be a good stepmother to both of them; however, they don’t seem to have any interest in being parented by anyone. My husband is depressed that his children don’t care to be a part of our blended family. He had problems with both kids in the past but he figured they would grow out of their dislike for him.

I confronted his daughter, and she said although she is willing to forge friendships with my kids and me, she’s not terribly interested in having new siblings or a parent/child relationship with me.

What does this leave me as? Step-friend? Step-acquaintance? As the now matriarch of this family, how do I bring them all together?

Step-Parent or Step-Friend?

How interested were you in being [kaff] “parented” when you were 26?

You are neither their step-parent nor step-friend — but if you step back and respect them as the adults they are, you might swing “friend” someday. The daughter spelled it out pretty clearly.

And she left you something you can work with, since “friend” is a lot better than “person whose threshold I refuse to cross.” Right? She doesn’t have to be “a part of our blended family” to visit — she just visits, and the same with the son.

Your husband needs to invite his kids himself, starting with non-holidays, and nurturing new bonds gradually and respectfully from there. This marriage made you a spouse, but only time, trust and years of respect can anoint a matriarch.