What behavior should one expect from significant other?
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I'm trying to determine if my expectations for my boyfriend are out of line. What exactly SHOULD the SO's role be in a relationship? What do we have them for?
Specifically, we are both single parents, live 20ish mins apart, my kids are 11/13, his is 14. He's got 50/50, and I've got almost 100% parenting time currently.
If you are just casual
If you are just casual intimate partners then not much. If you are committed equity life partners then you are also equity parents to any children in the picture regardless of their biology.
As equity life partners you both put the relationship first and as the sole priority including over the kids. Kids are the primary relationship responsibility but the relationship is the unequalled priority for both of you.
At least this is how my DW of 20 years and I have done it. We raised SS-22 together but our priority was always each other and our marriage. One thing is for damned sure. No X was ever allowed to interfere in our lives without extreme consequence.
This helps. A little more
This helps. A little more deep than what I was looking for, but I do agree with this. The problem is, I think, we both have a different definition of what kind of relationship we are in. Or, he knows exactly what he's doing and I'm a fool.
I'm curious as to what roles
I'm curious as to what roles you expected from your ex that he failed to live up to. Perhaps a list of what you missed in him would be useful to determine if your expectations are out of line.
In terms of relationship?
In terms of relationship? I'm guessing not because you're laying out the kids ages, etc. in terms of helping the other person parent, neither of you should Have to do anything for the other person's kids. Kids, like other things in a relationship, should be on a favor sort of basis, something that is done because the partner wants to, etc. like taking a partner to the airport, it's nice but it should not be required or expected.
Roles in a relationship in general vary so significantly between relationships that it would be easier for you to list what expectations you have that are being challenged. Respect should be an expectation. Communication, working to make both parties happy.... Otherwise, that's one of the reasons people date - to find someone that shares our goals and expectations in life that we get on with, can communicate and compromise with.
I only laid out the kids'
I only laid out the kids' ages to give a general idea of our life stage. But you have provided some good info as well. I'm not really being "challenged" per se. I would just like to get an idea of day to day expectations of one another. I know it's up to the individuals in a relationship, but I guess I'm trying to get a "normal" baseline.
Sounds like if his are 50/50
Sounds like if his are 50/50 j yours are 100% that he is living in 50% world constantly ???
Could you define what you
Could you define what you mean?
Are you expecting him to take
Are you expecting him to take on the "Dad" role when his kids are not around ???
Your post is generally vague to me ~ and this is an obstacle I have come across being that I am a BM 100% of the time ~ no down time for me.
Okay, no, that's why I needed
Okay, no, that's why I needed clarification. But I have experienced the disappearing act 50% of the time, if that makes sense? I have my kids 100% (used to have EOWE "off") so we would spend our weekends "off" together. So when he doesn't have his kid, I still have mine, during the week. But it's like I don't exist when he has his kid14. I mean, it's like night and day. I pointed out to him that if I treated him like he treated me, there would be TWO days in the month that we might be able to see each other, IF neither of my kids had any type of game, etc.
I purposefully tried to be vague to avoid the, "Well, THIS is what you're doing wrong," etc. comments. I mean, don't people generally have ideas of what they want/expect from a relationship? I don't want to be told I'm wrong, I want to know what other people look for. Make sense?
Are you expecting him to play
Are you expecting him to play daddy to your kids?
No. Since this is going to
No. Since this is going to keep coming up, I'll give a little insight to what I'm talking about. I feel that at our point in the relationship, he should want to EVERY once and a while attend a game or something for one of my kids. He comes over, he sees them, he likes them, but that's it. I even had a friend the other day ask me about my son's fall ball schedule so she could come. But not him. And it's not because he doesn't have time or anything, or it's out of the way. This is just a MINOR thing, but it's the part that involves my kids. I don't need any help parenting them. I have asked him to throw with my son, maybe once, because I had something I had to do and it was getting dark. It may have even been cooking us and him dinner, idk...
No, I still hear from him via
No, I still hear from him via texts/phone calls but it's definitely not the same. It's almost blatantly "fulfilling my obligations so I don't get in trouble." The thing is, the kid is 14. He IS spending nights at others' houses. He spends the DAY at friends' houses.
I don't much like the kid and my son doesn't either. But, for instance, last weekend my daughter and I went to visit his mom with him (hadn't seen her since Christmas though he goes there probably weekly) and he said this weekend we would all go back to see her, including my son and his son, etc. and have a good time. And then nothing. His mom LOVES my daughter and my daughter is always asking him when we can go see her again. I have to add, too, that the only reason he invited me to go with him is because this was his "off" weekend and it was also the anniversary of his dad's death and he was going to see his mom either way. He figured inviting me to go would keep him out of trouble. (He is enmeshed w/ Momma).
But yeah, I don't think expecting him to go on a date while his son is spending the night at a friend's is out of the ordinary. He would just go work in his garage and I wouldn't know the difference.
That was a good article.
I'm glad I'm typing all this out because omg it's all in black and white.
^^YES!^^ Compartmentalized.
^^YES!^^ Compartmentalized. I've always said that it's like he has two separate lives, but I like that word.
How long have you been
How long have you been dating? How long has he been divorced? Are you certain you are his only girlfriend? Does he talk about the future with you?
If he finds no need to even touch bases with you when he's with his kid, maybe his desire for you isn't that compelling. Sorry to have to say that. My DH always called me when he had his kids, told me little stories about what he'd done with them, funny things they said, wanted to hear about my day, see if everything was alright with me. Then he introduced me to them fairly quickly.
Maybe you and your guy are not on the same page. I would let him know I know miss him and feel forlorn when he disappears. See how he reacts. Step up his game? Get defensive? Or run for the hills?
If the answer is any but the first one (step up his game), time for you to ratchet down your own heart, cool off, and widen your horizons.
How long have you been
How long have you been dating? A year and 8 months
How long has he been divorced? Never married. Split when kid was 2. She's BPD. I am the first gf since that relationship ended 12 yrs ago!
Are you certain you are his only girlfriend? Definitely
Does he talk about the future with you? Yes, to a degree. He calls me his fiance sometimes, even his wife. But can't answer me when I ask him what his plan is, or what his thinking is on all that. I know it's a mess bc he has 50/50 and he doesn't want to move his kid out of where he is, but doesn't verbalize any of it.
He has stepped up his game when there have been issues I've addressed. But temporarily. He says one thing, but then shows another. But seriously, I can't figure out if he's just bullshitting me or if he has some serious emotional/psych issues that he doesn't understand. I mean, he is upset/sad when he fails me. I really don't think I ask for a lot. And he is visibly distraught and loving, etc. and works on stuff. And then goes right back to the same crap.
You have been dating long
You have been dating long enough to deserve to know where you stand with this man. You aren't teenagers. It's different for everyone, but my DH proposed at 8 months and we married at 1 year. He had been divorced 4 years when we first met. He knew a good thing when he saw it and so did I.
So there's a benchmark for you.
Is he just bullshitting you or have serious emo/psych issue? Are either one of those a good answer? Think about it.
Do some soul searching: what do you want from a relationship? from life? If this guy is everything you want or the solution of the 2 households and 50% absence works for you, snuggle in and stop worrying.
If that does not work for you, you should re-evaluate if this is the right man for you. I know a good bf is hard to find, but there are good men out there who want what you want and they are looking for you right this minute.
"Is he just bullshitting you
"Is he just bullshitting you or have serious emo/psych issue? Are either one of those a good answer?"
I KNOW!!!!! Omg, I know, I'm trying to decide if the psych issue is even worth figuring out. Everything you said is spot on. I need to decide if it's working for me or not. There are guys that I could be with right now, but I don't think would be as fun LOL. So do I want to be happy, or have fun? Hmmm...can't a girl have both?!
I guess I feel like when you
I guess I feel like when you are in a relationship, holidays and weekends shouldn't be spent "alone." We should be making plans to do things. We should have stuff going on. But no. Nothing. We don't even really date. I'm going through something really tough right now, and see him even less. He's not emotionally supportive at all. If everything's going well in his life, everything must be going well in everyone else's lives, too. He's actually said that. Like if he's content working in his garage all day, he figures I must be content as well. No matter that I've not seen him in days, and this is THE weekend we can be together. Yes, I could go to his house. If I want to be miserable. Been there, done that. That's a whole other topic. Let's just say it's a frat house. Yes, he's immature and way too old to be acting this way.
I am WAY more busy than he is in the evenings. And I need a LOT of "me time." So if I'm feeling neglected despite how busy I am and everything, it seems there is a huge problem. And I just don't understand exactly what it is. My theory... his dad treated his mom this way, and she coped by emotionally attaching to "her favorite," my bf. For the past decade he has used his mom for emotional support and help w/ his son and did not "need" anyone because he had Mom. It's like he wants a relationship, but can't.
OMG, ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! You
OMG, ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!
You can let him know why you're dissatisfied and give him a chance to change, if you want, but please don't hold your breath!
Uses mom for his own emotional support and gives no emotional support to you. Can you hear yourself? He may find you a fun buddy, but your primary role in his life is Sex. For. Him.
Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun!
Lemme get my Asics on...
Lemme get my Asics on...
Oh, I want to add, we have a
Oh, I want to add, we have a BLAST when we are together. SO much fun, no matter what we are doing. But when the other stuff is nagging at me, it affects our time together. It is poking at my brain constantly and starting to ruin when we ARE together.
Yep, I've even had a
Yep, I've even had a conversation with him about this. I wish I had kept a diary that I can read right now. I'm too forgiving and too forgetful, and now everything is starting to come back as I think more on it. Ugggghhhh.
Yes, it does (appear to be a
Yes, it does (appear to be a case of 'confirmed bachelor'). When we were first dating, everything was awesome for a couple of months, and then BAM! Overnight it changed. I mean, a normal relationship sort of fizzles slowly until you are out of the honeymoon phase, etc. We were still in the honeymoon phase, but it's like he realized where things were going and did a 180. We have broken up at times (my doing) and then he comes back and does right, etc. I miss him and give in, and then end up right where we are now.
He can't (or won't) give me what I need or want. I have figured that out. My expectations are not too high, he is too unwilling. I do think there is an underlying issue, but if he hasn't driven himself to the shrink by now to figure it out, it's obviously not a problem for him.
OOOOMMMMGGGGGG! This is old,
OOOOMMMMGGGGGG! This is old, but this is IT
http://www.nytimes.com/1991/08/28/news/confirmed-bachelorhood-it-may-be-...