Seriously? Why doesn't DH get it?
Wednesday evening, while I was at work, DH called me. In our conversation he told me he had to go in to work for a little bit this Sunday (which is normally his day off, but it's right before a holiday so he has to go in). So, I made the comment of, "Ok, have you contacted BM of SD7 to let her know that you won't be picking her up Saturday after work then?" (DH usually picks SD7 up from BM Saturday after work and we return her Sunday evening...every weekend.) To which he responded with, "No, I haven't even thought that far. Why is that an issue even?" I said, "If you're going to be at work, then there's no reason for her to be at our house." He said, "It's just like any other time." When he says any other time, he means...if he has to go to work while SD7 is with us...I have to deal with her. I said, "Well, she's there for YOU, not ME, and if YOU'RE not going to be there...then, there's no point in her being there." Then, he got an attitude with me and said, "She's not just there for me, she's there for SS17 (who's rarely there, because he works) and ME (which I don't want her there to begin with)!" I emphatically told him over and over again that she's not there for ME, but for HIM. If he's not going to be there, then she doesn't need to be there. He just doesn't get it! I told him I'm NOT her mother, and I never will be. I don't WANT to be her mother. I also said that I've been wanting to ask him to tell BM that we're only going to pick SD7 up EOWE, instead of EWE, and DH said, "We only have her 1 day a weekend, less than 24 hours!" Of course, this caused a big argument over the phone...which caused me to cry AT WORK. I ended up sending him a text later that said:
"All I want is to love YOU! I don't want to share you, or feel like I'm having to compete for your attention! I'm not a selfish person, except when it comes to you and your attention! When she's around, she gets so much attention from you it almost makes me sick! And, I feel like she can do no wrong! She's always treated like she's a "princess", when she's NOT! She's a KID...who needs love as well as discipline! Not be allowed to do whatever she wants! I'm SORRY if I am jealous! I'm SORRY if I can't bring myself to love her like you do! I'm SORRY if I upset you over her! It's not my fault that I didn't have a close relationship with my father and I'm JEALOUS! Ok. If loving you and being jealous makes me a horrible person, then I guess I'm a horrible person! I never had girls either. I'm not close to most women, I don't really know how to relate to them well. It's hard and confusing for me! I'm SORRY if I failed you and if you hate me! I don't know what else to say!"
I feel like I'll NEVER get through to him!
HOnest? Your text makes you
HOnest?
Your text makes you sound immature, jealous, petty, and REALLY emotionally insecure.
Suggestion for next time? Just stick to the basics- visitation is for the kid to see the dad, not for you to be babysitting said kid. Period.
When you muddy the water with all your hurt fee-fees, he gets the opportunity to think this actually isn't really about the SD not being able to see him, this is just you being ridiculous and hysterical and emotional, and so he puts you on IGNORE.
If I had to guess he can talk circles around you and get you so confused and emotional and flustered that you double guess yourself and back down, am I right?
^^ Sorry but I have to agree.
Anyhow, I get the way you are feeling. It sucks having to share your husband, but no amount of talking, fighting, or begging is going to get your DH to even see and understand your side, let alone agree with you.
My DH and I have had the same conversation many times, about how it is pointless for SD to be here if he isn't going to be home because she is here to see HIM, not me. He disagrees. Apparently she is here to see US (ummm.. no?) They just don't get it. If you can't watch your kid, don't bring him/her over! How hard is it??
Not wanting to babysit for
Not wanting to babysit for hin is one thing. Expecting him to agree to only get his daughter two days a month is just wrong. Your daddy issues should not impact his relationship with his daughter.
I grew up with a brother, who
I grew up with a brother, who is 4 years older than me, and all of his friends. I never really had any close girl friends. I'm one who likes to camp, fish, hunt, get out in the mud and get dirty, etc. SD7 is very prissy and won't get involved in any of the things I try to involve her in. If we're not in her room playing with dolls (which I DESPISE), or dress up, etc. then she's not happy. We are polar opposites, for sure!
SD7 will take me by the hand and literally DRAG ME to her bedroom, and I'm the one kicking and screaming NOT to go! When I refuse, then I'm told I'm being ugly and acting like I don't even want her there. "She just wants to play with you!" Ok, I don't WANT to play. YOU play! LOL
I have not read that book. I may, though. I fear what she's going to be like as she gets older. DH thinks she'll get to the point where she's too busy with her friends and school activities to come over to our house anymore. I honetly look forward to it.
Absolutely nothing. The next
Absolutely nothing. The next day, he took me out for lunch. Nothing further was said about the issue at all.
I didn't post this to be
I didn't post this to be bashed about being an immature, whiney, brat! I'm hardly that! I'm in my 40's, and I'm a VERY caring and giving person! I DO wear my heart on my sleeve, and bottle everything in until something makes me blow! A lot of people are that way. I don't need counseling for my "Daddy Issues", because there aren't any there. I'm fine with the fact that I don't, and never will, have a close relationship with my own father. What I do have a problem with is DH being overly mushy and gushy with SD7. It's rather sickening! She's NOT perfect, like he thinks she is. She's a spoiled brat who needs discipline!
Not to mention the fact that DH has told me that SD7 is NOT his bio child. He just happened to be dating BM, who was pregnant at the time and supposedly didn't know it, and he's been in SD7's life since birth. SD7's BM married a guy and moved away when SD was only 3-4. We had pretty much accepted the fact that she was gone from our lives never to return again. At that time, I was only dating DH. Once SD7 was gone, DH and I married. 2 years later, SD7 returns and comes back into our lives. DH was elated, but it was a HUGE blow to me.
Now, when I post issues on here...I have people suggesting I disengage from the situation. It seems like every time I try to disengage, though, it just causes more heartache and grief.
The point I'm trying to make,
The point I'm trying to make, though, is for him to stop expecting ME to be the one to take care of her when he's at work...or, any time she's there. That's the whole reason why I don't want her there in the first place. She always seems to gravitate towards me, and she will bug me CONSTANTLY to do things with her. When I tell her no, I don't want to, go ask her dad...then DH thinks I'm being ugly and that it's very obvious I don't want SD7 there. In my attempt to disengage, and force DH to be the one to deal with her, I'm causing DH to lash out at me.
LOL!!!! Thanks for the laugh!
LOL!!!! Thanks for the laugh! I needed that!
That's somewhat how she is as
That's somewhat how she is as well. Except, it's reversed. When she goes to the bathroom, or takes a shower, she wants me to be in there with her talking to her. I don't think she's very close to her BM either. DH told me that even after he kicked BM out, he had his daughter a LOT! And, when he'd take her back to her BM's, she'd throw a FIT, screaming and crying, because she wanted to be with her dad. Even today, BM really isn't very invovled with her. It's sad. But, at the same time, I'm not her mother and don't want to be. I'm going to have to just keep experimenting to see what works to encourage her to interact more with DH than me. I try to get SS17 to interact with her when he's not at work, but even he has admitted to me that he gets annoyed with her very easily and doesn't want to be bugged by her. I kind of have an attitude, too, because my two BS's are grown. So...I feel as though I've done my "tour of duty" with raising kids. DH doesn't see it that way, though.
No grandchildren yet, but I
No grandchildren yet, but I do look forward to them someday! And, that is a GREAT idea! I'm sure he could take her to work with him and make her sit in his office for a bit, but he won't do that because he knows how hyper and always all over him she can be. This little girl won't even sit down at the kitchen table to color in a coloring book unless one of us is sitting there coloring with her! She doesn't know HOW to entertain herself.
Yep, that's what I hear
Yep, that's what I hear too...I'm borrred! When we're in the car, "Daddyyyy...can I have your cell phone?" (To play games on.) If DH says no, then it's turned to me. I usually tell her no, that it's almost dead and her games just drain it. I put a little radio in her room, so she's actually been doing better about going in there and entertaining herself. It doesn't last long, but I'm glad she's doing it. She can turn the radio to the music she likes and dance her little heart out in her room!
1 day every other week or 1
1 day every other week or 1 day every week... that means you have 12-13 days with DH. Maybe you should make plans to do other things while she is there. Your DH is not her bio dad, but he HAS chosen to be her dad.
there are two issues here: 1.
there are two issues here:
1. your DH treating you like a babysitter - not ok.
2. your jealousy - understandable but you need to manage it and keep it in check which in this instance you havent.
all your crazy aside, rather than argue this i would have simply said "ive made plans for sunday and will not be around to babysit. please cancel the visit with BM or make arrangements to bring her elsewhere or to work with you"
Agree that your text was out
Agree that your text was out of line. Are you trying to emotionally blackmail your DH to get your way? It came off that way to me. You basically vomited your (unjustified) emotional distress all over him and told him "this is all your fault, fix it!"
I totally agree that he shouldn't expect you to watch SD if he's working - but your jealousy is YOUR issue, not your DH's. You cannot possibly expect him to have less of a relationship with a seven year old child he considers his daughter because you are jealous of her. (If you DO expect that, you DO need therapy - that's just not right.) Make plans on the days he has her, go do something you enjoy for a few hours. Doesn't even have to be the whole day, but you need to get out of there for a few hours both for your own sanity and to allow them to have a relationship.
Thank YOU! You get me!
Thank YOU! You get me!
I understand this post
I understand this post exactly. I'm not going to make you feel bad for your text, which was emotional and to be completely honest....guys just DO NOT get that and can't possibly comprehend our "irrational emotional" thoughts. But, they are your feelings and you deserve to have them!
The thing is that I wouldn't share them in that way with DH. It's just putting him in the middle and there's no way for him to win here.
When I have these feelings about SD I try to repeat in my head "It's not her fault, it's not her fault." Because, it really isn't! These dads are feeding into and breeding the princess mentality and who can blame the girls for eating it right up! Try to walk away, make your own plans. Explain calmly to dh that you are unavailable to babysit if it isn't what you want to do.
I babysit my SD often for my SO, and it sucks sometimes. But I also remind myself that she'd rather be here alone with ME than be with BM. I'm going to take it and run with it and hope we build a bond and that we'll be even closer in the future. It's what I hold onto when I'm feeling overwhelmed with steplife.
You got raked over the coals
You got raked over the coals on that email didn't ya? Listen you're right on the money to not be a babysitter. Stick to your guns. But when the kid is there stop being jealous for the kid is only there a few days a month. Let them have their time and you find something else to do. Plenty of chores, places you want to go and he doesn't, friends and relatives, catch up on reading the list must be endless.
Ahh he doesn't get it because he doesn't want to get it. Likely as not he'll get it in good time but not soon. So once again stick to your guns. He'll get there.
You should have skipped the
You should have skipped the histrionics and stuck with "I am unavailable to watch sd while you are working. Maybe you can pick an alternate time for the visit so you can be with her."
Your first argument: You aren't obligated to watch sd when he is not there is valid. If he has a problem with that it is HIS problem.
The second argument: You are jealous and don't want to share is YOUR problem. He has a child, you have to share him.
I understand why you feel the
I understand why you feel the way you do.
however, in time you will see that this does not work. dh will refuse to see it your way and you will have to take it into your own hands.
learn to live without that part of his life.
This weekend was really
This weekend was really rough. DH was grouchy as all get out, not only with me but with also his job. He's been under a lot of stress lately. So, we ended up having a "talk" yesterday and we both exchanged reasons why we haven't been very happy lately. I saw some things that he talked about where I agree I need to improve upon. But, when I talked about SD7 being at our house when he's not there...I still felt like he wasn't listening. Or, he was listening, but he wasn't actually hearing and registering what I was saying.
He basically said that when we were dating, I knew about SD7. (Then BM married a man, and SD7 was removed from the picture for 2 years.) I married DH shortly after BM and SD7 moved away. So, DH said that I knew the potential for SD7 to come back into our lives was there. Which, did happen. DH said that even though SD7 is not biologically his, he has every intention of finishing what he started. In other words, he intends to raise her and care for her as her "Daddy" to the best of his ability and for as long as she wants to be in DH's life. DH said that he will NOT be the one to tell SD7 that he's not her real Daddy, he will leave that up to BM. That way, BM can look like the ass that she has been, is, and always will be.
After all of that was said, I still got no definitive answer about why DH thinks SD7 needs to be at our house when he's not there. So, maybe I need to just resign myself to the fact that she's here and she'll always be here until she chooses otherwise. Let her be at the house, try and make the best of it, and go from there. I can't fight it anymore. It's tearing me apart inside, and it's really ticking DH off. It's ok for him to make snide comments about my BS18, who just moved back in with us, but it's not ok for me to push SD7 away or say anything negative about her. It's a double set of standards, that I find highly unfair. Someone's going to have to give...and, it looks like that someone will be me...again. I need to just swallow my pride and do my best to keep the peace. I'm a Libra, after all, it's what we do. Balance everything out. Just slap a "Welcome" sign on my forehead, though, because I feel like a door mat! LOL
"I still got no definitive
"I still got no definitive answer about why DH thinks SD7 needs to be at our house when he's not there. So, maybe I need to just resign myself to the fact that she's here and she'll always be here until she chooses otherwise."
"I need to just swallow my pride and do my best to keep the peace."
These statements are a breeding ground for resentment. YOUR resentment...of him AND this kid who isn't even his. It will kill your marriage (and your self-respect). I don't care if you're a libra or not. Do you want to babysit? If you don't, then don't. You're an adult. Don't act like a child who has to go along with the program... you have a right NOT to babysit other people's children if you don't want to.
If you want to save your marriage, don't let this shit slide. DEMAND a definitive answer - polite but assertive. "Honey, so next time you have to work I will NOT be available to babysit for you. What do you plan to tell BM?" And don't let up. If you can't say that, then maybe CHARGE him per hour for babysitting. And for god's sake, be consistent about it... He's not "getting it" because you're being wishy-washy.
Also, I've known three Libras, and let me tell you... they did NOT balance everything out. They are decent people and hard workers, but they take too much shit from others and are emotional as hell under a veneer of coolness. But once those emotions come out, WATCH OUT. It's a crying mess that no one wants to listen to. Oh, the stories I could tell you.
Be strong, sister. You'll save your marriage and your sanity if you demand respect and appreciation from your man.