SD19 at college, and SD13 wants to be a boy????
I can't catch my breath! I can't get a break! I wait all summer for SD19 to go back to college and now this load of crap....I am running on fumes because of the stress at home. DH took SD13 to get her hair cut on Sunday. I advised against it, saying she just had her hair cut 4 weeks ago and would have to wait. DH said that SD13 wanted it cut short and DH has wanted this for awhile, so he wanted to take her before she changed her mind.
Who would have guessed the events that transpired after that.
DH sends me a picture of SD13 looking like Peter F-ing Pan. We both thought she wanted a shoulder-length bob as her hair was all the way down her back. Shoulder-length would be considered short in her world. I believe she handed a picture of some "Percy" character (from books, movie, not sure but will find out...)to the stylist who proceeded to chop off her hair. She looks like a boy but at least her hair isn't in her face and food anymore, right? I told DH I didn't like it and he said I thought she looked like a lesbian. No, DH.....she just looks like a BOY.
Later on that evening SD13 approaches DH and I with something "serious" to talk about. She finally mumbles that she wants to be a boy. I personally think she wants to impersonate one of her cartoon characters in her anime storybooks, but wtf do I know.....So, we are compassionate and talk to her for awhile, being supportive. Then she asks if she can refer to herself as "he." DH stated that he has "two DAUGHTERS" and absolutely not. I am disengaged and should have just left the room, but DH clearly didn't know what else to say. I asked all of the tough questions and told her that the first day back to school might be difficult. (Turns out it wasn't.)
On Monday for school, SD13 was wearing a flannel long-sleeved dress shirt buttoned all the way up to the top button, dark jeans and a pair of high-top black Vans. The weather here was 85 degrees. Just the week prior she told me the Vans had never fit and they were brand-spanking new, never worn. All of a sudden she is wearing them because they are the most masculine pair of shoes she has. Her shirt was large so you couldn't see her chest. Her entire body was covered except for her head and her hands. She was unrecognizable.
DH and I agreed he would call the school guidance counselor as well as a therapist, because we had suggested therapy to SD13. She agreed and went to a session last night. DH said the therapist doesn't take "I don't know" for an answer and she will peel back the layers to see why SD13 suddenly wants to be a boy. Just last week she wanted a flat iron and long layers in her hair, on Friday she wore a knit hat and looked like a skater girl, and on Sunday turned into Peter Pan. DH thought the cut was cute until later when SD13 proclaimed she wanted to be a boy. She doesn't like girls (or boys) romantically, but just wants to be a BOY now. She is 13 going on 7 and doesn't have the mental maturity to fully understand what her declaration means.
The more I have thought about it, I believe that this is a phase, but it's a damn awkward one. DH has gotten mad at me both these past nights. Last night SD13 started saying that we need to establish trust. She basically just repeats things (from the therapist or from DH) and tries to sound all mature and mini-wifey when she says it all. I told her to watch her tone when she got snippy with me and we ended up arguing. DH never tells her to watch her tone. He just fucking sits there and waits for me to lose it.
I do NOT need to be spoken down to by a pre-pubescent SD13 in my own home! I got mad quickly and things escalated. I asked her to look me in the eye, instead of talking a mile a minute like Miss (Mr?) know it all into thin air. She couldn't look me in the eye and she immediately shut up. DH won't stick up for me, and I know he is just worried sick.
Pretty soon, SD13 will be behind in school because she doesn't know her ass from her elbow and DH takes her word on everything. I am not reminding her of schoolwork this year. I am done.
I came downstairs this morning, took a deep breath, and rounded the corner to see what today's outfit was. T-shirt and shorts. She looked female, just with a short haircut. Her chest was visible. Her legs were CROSSED. Not a boy thing, but at the same time, SD13 is trying to act all mature and proper around DH. Trying to use the utensils properly last night at dinner, speaking very studiously as if she's a college professor....It makes me sick. Now I understand the mini-wife thing a little better. However, this morning she was very sweet, as if she was apologizing for being an ass last night at dinner with her backtalk.
Thirteen going on seven. Clueless. I need sleep.
If I didn't have my dogs, I would go stay at a 5-star hotel for a week.
~ Moon
Her school picture should be
Her school picture should be good this year. I'll order a big one to put above the fireplace, and plenty of extras for family. We could even send one to BM's crazy mother (skid's grandma) who lives out of state. Maybe it will give her chest pains. }:) }:)
I wouldn't even know where to
I wouldn't even know where to start! I mean...SheSloth has never gone from girl to boy to back again. She has ALWAYS been a girly-girl princess. She does change subcultures like most people change their underwear, however. Seems to be quite the attention thing (which may very well be the same with your SD13). One week she is emo...wanting her hair black, wearing dark skinny jeans, heavy black makeup, listening to bands like My Chemical Romance and Escape the Fate...walking around the house brooding and all her social media posts being about being depressed. The next week, she is a good ol' country girl...listenin' to all that good ol' country music that she otherwise swears against, wearing light colored lacy shirts with her cut-off shorts and begging for a pair of boots and hair up in a messy bun...poppin' the gauges out of her ears and claiming that she is trying to "conform"! Then, she will go all scene kid...wanting her hair some bright red, pink, or purple, wearing her skinny jeans, crazy expanders (because she had her gauges out the week before and they look cooler), doing her hair in what I call the old-man comb-over sweep (the part is on the far side of her head to give that huge bang swoop), and wearing that stupid beanie! Let's not forget prim and proper church girl that emerges whenever she wants something from dear dad or my MIL, or the goth/punk look when she is trying to get in good with me (yes...much different from the emo look if you are one of the originals from the 80's).
In my case, I seriously believe the girl is bipolar! I've read several articles online, and she has many signs. If it isn't bipolar, it is some sort of mental disorder. The cutting in the past (though she hasn't done that in a while), the eating disorders, the constant personality/subculture changes, the moods. Something ain't right! Of course...tell that to DH, and he will deny that SheSloth can have any kind of mental disorder...that I'm just speaking bad things over her! Hello!!!! BM has been diagnosed with bipolar, and that crap is hereditary! WAKE UP! But like I said, part of it could also be just trying to get attention, which, for a person who already gets more than enough attention, crazy cries for attention I'm sure would be a sign that something ain't right upstairs.
I have 4 dogs lol
I have 4 dogs lol
Humor her. Like someone said
Humor her. Like someone said above about emo or something, it could be worse. The more you two make of it the longer she'll stay with it. Start calling her by a male version of her name if you can acting as if you two have totally accepted it. If Daddy can anyway.
DH would have a shit hemorage
DH would have a shit hemorage and SD13 would LOVE a male name!
I apologize if you've told me
I apologize if you've told me this before but are these girls in counseling? They lost their mom. They need to learn how to navigate through that and probably could benefit from seeing a counselor, and having other kids to talk to who can relate. Perhaps sd19 could see her college counselor. Perhaps sd13 could see a counselor for teens and you/dh can ask that person if they know of support groups for teens who've lost a parent.
I think you need to tell her, "Right now you need to work through the difficult emotions you feel about your mom's passing. We want to help you with that and would love to hear your suggestions. I care about you and can't imagine what you're going through. Your dad loves you and your sister more than anything. We'll both always be there for you. Right now we need to deal with that and then see where things are in a year. Then, if you decide this is something you want, we can discuss it and help you with it. We will support your decision 100%. But this is something you need to really research and think about. No matter what, we will always be there for you."
With SheSloth, I basically
With SheSloth, I basically ignore her "phases"! Like the day she said that she was leaving her gauges out to "conform" and 2-days later had her expanders back in! Didn't say a word to her! As long as she isn't doing anything that effects me or my home, and I don't have to be around her dressed like a hoochie, she can look like an idiot if she wants to! The only reason I had to get involved with the hair is because DH insisted that her hair had to be back to normal color before school started per dress/appearance code. She had screwed her hair up so bad over the summer, he was certain there were going to be calls from the assistant principal that it needed to be fixed ASAP (student code says clearly that hair MUST be all one color, and a color that could be considered a natural hair color...SheSloth's was multiple colors, and less than half of them could be considered natural...lol).
But otherwise, I don't point out that she said a year ago she would NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS listen to country music when it is blasting from her room (just tell her to turn down her noise pollution). I don't say a word to her when she says something one week, and completely contradicts herself the next. I think there was only ONCE I questioned her "bandwagoning"! In 5th grade, she had a teacher who was vegan, and an animal right activist. SheSloth comes over that weekend and declares that she isn't going to eat the chicken I made because she is going vegan because her teacher said the animals that are raised for our food are treated badly. I just looked at her and laughed, "Um, dear, only one problem with that. You HATE vegetables!! What are you going to eat?" Needless to say, she ate the chicken, and that was the end of that! You know...back in the days she would actually eat.
DUP
DUP
Yes, both the girls lost
Yes, both the girls lost their mother in 2013. I tried desperately to get SD19 into counseling the past two summers. In 2013 before she left for college, DH told SD19 that she HAD to go see a therapist. She had just turned 18. Turns out she went 2, maybe 3, times and ended up keeping a food journal because she had an eating disorder. Um, ok. Glad that got cleared up in 2 or 3 visits. Not much was spoken about with regards to BM passing, just with SD19's poor body image (and she's an athlete).
I told DH yesterday when things got heated that SD13 was looking for attention, and no she hadn't dealt with the loss of her mother at age 11. He has always disagreed. I told DH that it was a shame that SD13 had to go to this extreme before he would get her into therapy. So, the loss of BM will be dealt with in SD13's sessions.
When I got home, SD13 had on her zip up oversized hoodie. It practically comes to her knees, but no one can see her boobs. Not much there anyway as she's a late bloomer. SD13 actually started a conversation with me and said that she told her two best friends today about how she wants to be a boy. The way she brought it up was so non-chalant. This Skid is clueless! "You know....today I was talking with A and B, about......you know.....(big smile) everything that's going on with me!" Sorry, but I can't be supportive. HELL NO. Especially since she's not a young adult and not mature enough to know what the hell she's talking about. She said that one friend stated that if SD13 were to pick a boy name, that she would still call her by her girl name. This is coming from the friend who is older and more mature. I just looked at SD13 and said "I'm not worried, this too shall pass." She got confused and left. Probably because I was so nice when she first told DH and I, but I was trying to be supportive of my shocked husband.
You can't imagine all of the vulgar things I want to ask her, to give her a real taste of reality, of what it REALY MEANS to change your identity to that of the opposite sex! I wanted to scream at her that her father and even "I" are worried sick, and that I think she's a fucking moron! How COULD you state this and disrespect your father when you don't even know what you're talking about?
Frikkin' Steptard pisses me off!!! To no end! Good luck when you get to high school next year. WHO the hell does this shit at age 13? She was 12 last week for goodness sake. Oh I'm getting mad again. I'm avoiding her so I don't have to hear any more stupid shit come out of her mouth about something so serious.
Idiot Skid. Grrrrrrr.
~ Moon
>You can't imagine all of the
>You can't imagine all of the vulgar things I want to ask her, to give her a real taste of reality, of what it REALY MEANS to change your identity to that of the opposite sex! I wanted to scream at her that her father and even "I" are worried sick, and that I think she's a fucking moron! How COULD you state this and disrespect your father when you don't even know what you're talking about?
Excuse me, but what do YOU know about the transgender community or what it means to finally accept (note - NOT change, but accept) onme's gender identity? Serpously - what do you ACTUALLY know? Do you know any trans* people? Do you know what their reality is? Or is it just from what you've read or seen in the media?
Yes, it is shocking to have your child come out to you as trans*. It is upsetting. It turns your world not only around, but upside down. It's an adustment. How do I know? Because my oldest child is a trans* woman - born biologically male. When they came out to me, they told me that they'd always felt female, but it took a long time for them to accept and work up the nerve to tell me. We laughed, we cried, we dealt. And yes, I use a feminized version of their name. It is a terrible thing to live life having to hide who you really are from those you love.
If anyone needs counseling? I'd siggest both Dad and you. This child may or may not be trans*, but how the two of you habdled it? Was pretty rotten.
If you don't mind my asking,
If you don't mind my asking, how old was your daughter when this happened? My SD13 is going from My Little Pony four months ago, and I thought she was regressing, possibly trying to deal with the death of BM. Now she has made this declaration when DH and I feel she lacks the maturity to fully understand what she has said. Did you go through this with your child? SD13 wants to be "Percy Jackson," the anime character.
I think you're making far too
I think you're making far too much out of this. It's a phase.
Listen I've seen hundreds of girls at that age switch from doing childish things to acting/speaking like an adult and switching back in a minute. They've got one foot in each world and test the adult world then fall back into adolescence. It's actually charming to watch them suddenly become a girl again in the blink of an eye.
My point being is you're acting like she's trolling lesbian sex sites when all she's doing is talking and wearing jeans or something. Leave her alone. Best for her and best for you.
Definately a phase. If there
Definately a phase. If there have been no idicators that she is transgendered it is highly unlikely that she suddenly is transgendered.
Keep her in counseling and you and her dad keep parenting her actively.
Good luck.
Thanks for your feedback.
Thanks for your feedback. Yes, this happened overnight, but then DH and I just can't help but wonder if we missed the signs? I don't think we have.... No, MJ, there is nothing in my past unless you count having gay friends as being something in my past. I don't believe she is a lesbian, but yes, I believe this is a case of choosing one's identity. Boy trapped in girl's body.
I am just so emotional over it because my DH is extremely upset and also because SD13 seems to be taking this so lightly, like its a game. I am trying to stay disengaged from the daily things, i.e. hygiene, homework, schedule, dinner.....DH is now taking care of that, finally! Well, we'll see about the homework part lol.
Yes, we will just let her be and see which way things go. It's just such a shock right now.
OC and Rags, you two always give the best advice IMHO. Straightforward and to the point. I appreciate it very much.
~ Moon