My 30 something step son had a tantrum about me to his Dad
My step son was angry about us not spending the holiday with him, his wife and 2 daughters, ages 2 and 1. We made plans with our friends to spend the day with them, we wanted adult time and we didn't want to be around the grand kids after we had drinks. He was so mad he wouldn't answer the phone the following day when we tried to call him and say that we cancelled our boat trip with other friends for the next day. After his Father called many times and for many days, they got together to discuss what the deal was. Actually it turned out that the son basically told his Dad that he was sick of us spending more time with our friends than with them. I know I am not liked, so I don't care to spend a lot of time there, but we have spent many times visiting...at least once every 2-3 weeks. I've even had dinner for them on a couple occasions, spent Christmas and Birthdays with them, and even send them Birthday and Anniversary cards. And for Christmas, we have several times we get together...our family get together, and my husbands family's get together's. I don't feel we need to be around once a week every week, which is one of the things the son was mad about. He also went on to tell his Dad that he feels like we are trying to buy him when we have dinner or even when we have nice holiday dinners. Which I end up doing all the cooking and cleaning. I don't like it when they all get to enjoy themselves while I slave away. He preceded to tell his Dad that he also thinks I have 2 personalities and he doesn't like it. The calm one and the stressed one. (No wonder I get stressed...I don't have any help and am expected to do everything) Also when we do have our family holidays...all they do is talk about when the were young and with their family before me. I have been with my husband a long time...why not talk about when we have done things together and include me? He had the audacity to tell my husband he won't apologize and he thinks I am fake. I speak before I think and I say the wrong things. He doesn't care about me. He even went as far as telling his Father that his Mother was a better Grandparent because she calls all the time. That really hurt my husband! My husband said to him that he shouldn't talk that way about his wife, but proceeded to listen to more. The son went on to say I am not the kids Mother and he don't like it when I say they yes when asked if they are our kids. (I grew up with a step dad, I was taught to just say yes he was my dad.) As far as I can tell that would be the worst thing I did, and I will never do that again, but to cut me out of their lives and not see the grand kids ever again is very cruel and painful. My husband said he will speak with him, but it has already put a strain on our marriage because it has been almost 2 months since it happened and my husband still goes over by himself to spend time with his son, wife and grand kids. I really don't know what to do...my pain is making me angrier and is making me resent my husband for not stepping up to the plate. Also, other than my 1 mistake, I have treated this step son as if he were my own. Now I don't want anything to do with him until he apologizes or says that he was wrong to throw such a fit and hurt this family. Please help!
SS pulled a tantrum. He did
SS pulled a tantrum. He did this so he could put your DH on the defense immediately, which DH obviously can not handle, so he could bad-mouth you without risk of being put in his place. I went through this for decades without any support from DH and finally decided to take a stand myself. Until my DH speaks to his daughter and informs her - in my presence- that she is to respect me as his wife, she will not set foot on my doorstep. You deserve mutual respect. Period. You should settle for no less.
If you choose to allow SS back in your home disengage from him. This means not doing ANYTHING for him. No dinners, no concern on your part, limited conversation, nothing. Let DH do it all: Dinners, cleaning up after them - everything. Then inform your DH that your are not available for once a week visits from SS.
What I just don't get is what
What I just don't get is what is my husband waiting for...there will never be the right time! He is going to the 2 year old's b'day party this weekend with all the family there, he was just there yesterday, and now him and his 3 boys are going to a race car show from Friday until Monday. Doesn't sound like he is even making any kind of an effort! To top it off, if by chance I do allow the SS back in for holidays, he won't apologize for what he said. If he thought I was fake before, which I wasn't, I will now because I'll have to watch what I say! His wife was going to originally come over when he talked with the hubby, but I told the husband that it was between them, not her and I. I hope to goodness that was right. Do I have to be the bigger person and try to act as though nothing happened. What the heck!!!
Your ss got exactly what he
Your ss got exactly what he wanted, it seems to me he manipulatively pushed several guilt buttons with DH and instead of putting his foot down with ss, he is giving him exactly what ss planned. Dh on his own playing happy families while excluding you.
Why didnt dh ask for DETAILS and SPECIFICS when ss states you are "fake".....e.g. how is sm fake, when has she been fake....
I find so many people make these types of accusations without having any actual reasons. My own PIL told my DH that they didnt like me-he asked them why, what had I done? They couldnt answer that, oh I lie they said I had strong opinions for one so young (patronising twats) and that was it. Apparently dh should have divorced me because of the henious crime of having an opinion! My point is, your dh has had several opportunities to address this directly and dynamically. It is his job to protect you from personal and unfair attacks, its his job to get to the crux of the issue by illustrating to the aggressor you are a team and to undermine their argument through demonstrating there is no substance to their complaints!
You do not nor should you welcome your ss into your home when this massive elephant remains, like hell should you suffer discomfort in your own home when ss has been rude about you. It seems to me, like most families, he is blaming you for not seeing dh as much as he wants, for the fact you would prefer to dine out, because as we know our dh have no brains, free will when it comes to these matters and instead of standing up to this silliness your dh has rolled over. No doubt his response/justification to you is "what can I do, he is my son and these are my grandchildren...dont you want me to see them?"
I think the only thing you can control is how YOU react to this upsetting turn of events. Personally when my own dh was similarly disloyal to me, our marriage, when his ex, family kept attacking me like a den of vipers. I decided that I wasnt going to act all hunky dorey and allow them all, dh included, to treat me so poorly, I knew MY self worth even if they didnt. So I didnt get angry, I got even. Dh prioritised his family over me? Well no more nice couply things, after all you have to EARN my company, my attention. I stopped investing in us, dh had by throwing me under the bus, so if that is good for him its good for me too. I didnt rant, rave or hurl insults. I cried to my girlfriends but plastered a smile on in front of dh. I acted like a lady, filled with self confidence and ensured and made dh miss the best of me. So when dh goes merrily on his way for the weekend, ensure he knows you wont be boohooing at home, pining for him amd his stuck up son, instead go out, have some family or friends over. Do not make out what he is doing is fine because now you have company, nah huh, tell him if hes living his own lifestyle then so will you and ensure you make solitary plans that excludes dh on days he is at home and not with his children. Make him miss you, make him feel the pain of being excluded and do it better than him. Oh and a make over always helps with your own confidence with the side effect of leaving dh panting in the dust. So he either fixes this or he loses out. Time to turn the tables on him lady!
Your 30yr old SS sounds like
Your 30yr old SS sounds like a spoilt dumb ass. Your DH needs a slap upside his head to wake up to the fact that his own Son is disrespecting his choice in a partner. DH should be supporting you and standing up to that twat.
I don't know how the hell you can allow DH to let his Son treat you like that. I sure as shit wouldn't stand for it.
at 30 this son is a man with
at 30 this son is a man with a family of his own. he needs to grow up.
I can totally relate to what
I can totally relate to what you're saying and how you're feeling. DH has 6 adult kids plus their adults plus 8 grandkids. Every holiday and every visit is a total nightmare. I know in my lifetime I will never get an apology from any of them, including DH about the way they treat me. DH loves playing Disney Dad and groveling because he divorced the most wonderful woman in the world (gag!)
After 15 years I realize not only do I NOT like his adult kids but I don't want a relationship with them either. My marriage is to DH; not them, and most definitely, not the ex-wife.
By disengaging, I have found myself losing a lot of respect, trust, and love towards DH. He's like a Dr. Jeckyl and Hyde every time they're in town and come to visit.
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