How long should adult children depend on Daddy?
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I have two stop children 19 and 26 both still are dependent on their dad. They are still on his cell phone bill, car insurance, the 19 yr old still asks for gas money for the brand new truck we bought him. The daughter lives rent free in a house he bought for her while in college. She used to rack up his credit card 1K+ every month going out to eat and shopping. I was raised differently and worked sine i was 15 yrs old. I never asked my mom (single parent)for money and bought all my own school clothes. This is a whole new world to me as we've only been married 3 years. I don't see this changing anytime soon.
Any kid over 18 and not
Any kid over 18 and not studying full time should be paying their own way even if rent to the parents (which can be returned as a wedding present for instance.
What you're describing is a extreme case of dependence which will leave these kids helpless when Daddy dies and his inheritance runs out. They'll simply be incompetent adults at that point.
The SD is 26 but is now going
The SD is 26 but is now going to grad school. She has never worked a full time job, not even in the summers. After me complaining and cutting her off the credit card, and insisting she pays he own car payment once her lease was up and it was time to get a new one. She is finally starting to realize reality. However she still refuses to work paying her bills (not rent) with her student loan money, and always complaining how poor she is.
The son works 2 days a week, but only after me constantly mentioning that he needed to get a job. He works one day at a car wash and one day at a restaurant. But never full time in the summer. And when he mows the lawn at his sister's house, we pay him %50 a week.
He shows up with the brand new trunk all dented in from an accident and in the next breath says "oh and i got a speeding ticket too" then during dinner he said he was going on a ski trip and wanted us to pay for it for his birthday, saying it was about 2K
On top of this my husband pays his non working ex wife 4K a month in alimony (no more child support) used to be 6K
I'm fed up as there is never enough money for us to do repairs at our home or go on a vacation.
I own a pretty successful biz and all our finances are separate. I pay ALL my own bills.
Can you guys adopted me plz
Can you guys adopted me plz ???
Paying for their education is
Paying for their education is one thing. I understood this before the marriage. But paying for their cars, insurance, gas, parting, cell phones, and toys is just way more than I ever expected. And just because you agree to pay for their college education, doesn't mean they can't get full time jobs in the summer AND then work on weekends while in school. If they have time to party then they have time to work.
My kids are all grown, and
My kids are all grown, and all pay their own way on everything. They work hard. They ask for nothing. They are 23, 21, and 20. And I am not going to support SS once he is grown. I would leave before I put him on the household payroll. It's amazing how hard they will work for something they really want. When you start cutting off some of that money, they will learn what's important and what's worth working for. They will learn to respect money. Right now, those skids of yours have no respect for money, because they don't know the value of a dollar.
My stepkids are 20 and 24.
My stepkids are 20 and 24. They are both pretty dependent on others. SS24 lives with us, works about 35 hours a week (minimum wage) and pays us a little rent, but that doesn't really cover much, and he still gets cable, Internet and utilities paid for by us. His mom pays his cell phone bill and school (junior college) fees and his grandma gives him money for all kinds of extras. I think it is high time he moves out but I know he cannot afford to and DH is not pushing it. However, I have told DH that SS only has another year with us at the most, I am simply not having a 25 year old, able bodied young man living off us. He is too comfortable here and has no motivation to get a better job or finish school (he's keeps taking time off, a year here, a semester there, and only took 2 classes the last term he was in).
SD20 is also a mooch, though not off us at least. BM pays her rent, her cell phone, her utilities and school. SD only works a few hours a week for minimum wage so I'm not sure how she pays for all of her expensive extras (she has taken 2 trips this summer, one to an expensive 3 day music festival and another where she and friends rented a luxury house on a golf course for 3 days). Her grandma pays her car payment on a brand new car.
Both these kids are in for a rude awakening when the gravy train finally ends. They have no idea how to take care of themselves and I don't think paying for grown kids' expenses is doing them any favors. When I was 20, I had my own apartment, paid my own car payment and had 2 jobs while going to school. I did without things like cable and trips because I couldn't afford them. It actually makes me ill to see kids these days have everything when they don't do jack to earn it.
Meh, "should" is such a
Meh, "should" is such a subjective word. CAN they take care of themselves at that age? Sure. They're able bodied adults. Would they have as many opportunities, or as good a quality of life? No.
I think your issue is less "is it reasonable to cut them off" and more "what do I do when DH and I don't agree on when to cut them off?" It sounds like your DH is perfectly willing to give them money, and you want him to stop. HE is your issue, not the kids. What does he say about all this? Does he think he can afford it? Does he resent giving them money, or does he offer?
my nephew is almost 30. wont
my nephew is almost 30. wont work. dropped out of college. quit his job. all he does is eat and play video games all day long. father cant seem to bring himself to get his sons ass in gear and enables. i would say 23 is a good age to launch child into reality.
I agree your issue is
I agree your issue is revising whatever you understood to be the financial agreement between you and DH when you married. Clearly he expected to go on doing this quite long into the skids' adulthood as you are only married 3 years but he has a 26 year old. Therefore the 26 year old was getting a lot of assistance aged about 23 and the problem for him if he wants to rein in is, how to sell this to the 19 year old. My suspicion as a parent myself is, he would feel it was really unfair to stop the same provision for the 19YO so you have at least 7 years' more annoyance with this I am afraid.
I appreciate you pay your way but you may need to go further and keep separate finances completely, contributing in equal proportions to the household expenses, vacations etc. Then whatever he spends on the skids is less irksome to you.
Then also you have to broach the subject, if you feel you still do not have sufficient as a couple, of how to cut down the 26YO's support in a way that DH can cope with. He is not going to find this easy, believe me. It took many many years for my DH to even begin to accept that fatherhood does not equate to handing out money. That goes against the grain of generous men and the problem being married to such is that they assume we are co-parenting with them and are happy to make the same sacrifices. Make sure you tread carefully here and that you emphasise the positives of saving funds for the home and married life whilst enabling the adult kids to be more independent. This marriage is far shorter than is the relationship with the skids and they will have a lot of psychological leverage over him, being adults.