Does this violate the disengaging terms and conditions?
Hey! We just found out, because apparently both DH and BM weren't on the email list for the school district, that tomorrow sd11 needs to be registered/attend an orientation for 6th graders and our time for our last name is 3:00 so DH has to work, and BM took the girls out of town so she doesn't even know about this and sd wouldn't even be going.
I was planning on going tomorrow, bc both parents can't go and there's a question if she's actually enrolled and has a teacher. We haven't heard anything and tried to log in to this new online system and I only saw a file for my other sd and DS at another school so I'm not sure if something's wrong.
Basically, if I figure this out for the idiot and my not so resourceful DH am I breaking the rules of disengaging? Or just being a good wife/sm? I'd like to be able to tell the difference as disengaging is confusing (where to draw the line)moving forward.
hmmm he better take your
hmmm he better take your advice
If I remember correctly, BM
If I remember correctly, BM and Dad have 50/50. If this is her week she should be the one doing the registration tomorrow (it falls on her time and she's the one with the child who is to be attending orientation at 3pm).
I suggest your DH contact BM and ask if she perhaps already has made arrangements before she left town and if not how are THEY going to get this done. Usually (don't now about your school district) this is also when school year fees are due and any medical/dental forms are turned in. If I also remember correctly yesterday or so you were posting about paying for book bags ect, so my first question would be , who is paying the registration fees?
If it's done been done and ad is going to have to do it, have DH call the office of school, assure child's enrollment is going to take place and make arrangements to come into either the registration at a alternative time today or into the office at the office's suggested time they will be there to take the paperwork and fees.
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Not your kids. .leave it to
Not your kids. .leave it to the bios..that is the problem why aren't parents taking responsibility for their kids?
To me, the important thing
To me, the important thing about disengaging is that if I do something, it's because I want to and I do it on my own terms. Most of the time, this means I step in if something affects me, which includes the household budget. I don't cook SD's dinner, but I drive her to/from summer camp so SO can work regular hours and get paid without dipping into vacation time (so he can come home with me for Christmas). I don't remind SO when SD needs a shower, but I do remind him if he needs to do something with BM that will save us money somehow (like reminding him of her due date to pay us back 50% of a doctor bill).
At the same time, SO does about 90% of the parenting he should, and he never expects me to make up the last 10%. If I worried that engaging at all would be a slippery slope and I'd get roped into doing too much, I wouldn't engage when I do. So I'm okay with the level I'm at and don't worry about whether something breaks "rules."
I'm sure DH and BM aren't the
I'm sure DH and BM aren't the only parents that aren't paying attention. It amazes every year I get a phone call from the school district to inform parents when school starts, and what the last day of school is. I mean, there's a website to check for all that information.
Don't worry if SD isn't registered, there's always late registrations. And if she's in the same school as last year, there really isn't a need for her to go to orientation. I find those things are most often a waste of time.
And if she doesn't get registered and the school doesn't have enough room, that will teach the parents they need to get their act together. I have a feeling the school will let her in anyway, they probably deal with crappy parents all the time.
There's no way they didn't
There's no way they didn't know about this.
It's possible the school didn't set the date until after BM made plans to be out of town. I for one would not change vacation or travel plans for this. I would just register the kid later.
I'm surprised the school didn't do this before school ended. Schools here have registration/orientation before school ends. That way they don't have to worry about the dates conflicting with the travel plans of the staff of students.
Or maybe I could offer what
Or maybe I could offer what happened to us. We booked our summer vacation for the first week in August a mere 5 days. School starts Aug 25th. We received a postcard 2 weeks ago SD's registration lands right in the middle of our previously booked and paid for vacation. We are attending make ups no question....Maybe your BM has a similar plan but has it all worked out so you have no knowledge.....just a thought maybe she is not an idiot.
At our school a parent or
At our school a parent or LEGAL guardian are required for school registration.
And also, I hate the new online shit they make you go thru. You'd think that in this day and age, they would have designed a stepfamily friendly system that doesn't link all the kids to all the accounts--I do NOT want BM having access to my BD's school records. It was a huge hassle last year (both girls were on all four parent online accounts at first--ugh), as we were the only stepfamily with kids from both sides in the same school and it was the first year of the online BS. The school registrar took a ton of time working it all out for us, though, so this year should be a breeze.
It's a new school, 6th grade
It's a new school, 6th grade so it's middle school. I think they thought it was all taken care of because I remember us getting a couple forms confirming which school they were going to and they went on a field trip to their school or something and she already signed up for band at the last concert held at the middle school when we met the band teacher. So I'm not sure why they need to do it again today.
The email actually says to sign up for band at 3 but I was just going to check if she was even registered and give DH the message so they can work it out. One reason I thought it might be fun to do it is because BM has been shitty lately and this would prove once again that SM picks up her messes. Also I'm just not doing anything and it might look bad to DH if I sit on my ass while i could drive a mile to help. It might start a fight lol. Telling DH to deal with his own shit was SO much easier when I had a job and hopefully I'll have one soon.
BM is 6 hours away with the kids visiting her sister and won't be returning until Sunday to be back for when our visitation starts on Monday. It would've been pointless to tell her to come back because it's not as important to her as what she was doing lol. There shouldn't be any fees, but there's no way in hell she would pay. DH told me that because she's the mother and doesn't get cs and pays for things she doesn't specify, she believes she has a credit and entitled for him to pay for everything.
Her email wasn't in the system, I don't get why/how she and my ex don't care enough to put their emails on there. My DH's was on my skids file, but he never fucking checks it so I told him he needs to delete his 400 emails and keep it updated from here on out.
I had him call the office but they didn't answer so he left a message with the registration dept. No answer. The last 3 days are/werebusy for them.
One reason I thought it might
One reason I thought it might be fun to do it is because BM has been shitty lately and this would prove once again that SM picks up her "messes"
No one likes a martyr. It may feel good for a minute, but in the long run, what is your goal?
You already broke the rules of disengagement by thinking about it & knowing as much as you do.
Why did you get the email? The only acceptable answer (as far as disengaging goes) is that you have another child in the school. But Whatever the reason, forwarding the email to dh and bm is all you need to do. At the MOST you could also tell dh or send a text, forwarded an important email from the school.
The next step would be for them to read it and either figure out what to do about it themselves OR *ASK* you if you would mind running over to the school to check into this.
As has been said, it is almost pointless for you to do this. If all they need is info, they can get that by phone. If sd *isn't* registered, you won't be able to do it as a smom.
Do you know why your dh doesn't check his emails? Because you are on top of everything for him. You have trained him to let you handle everything.
If dh gives you are hard time and starts a fight with you because HE dropped the ball- just state this is not my responsibility and walk away from it. He is mad at you so he doesn't have to be mad at himself. My dh forgot sd's bookbag the other day and yelled at me. Why did he yell at me? Because then he doesn't have to be mad at himself. It's normal & understandable, but unacceptable.
Close your eyes and think of the worst case scenario. Sd misses orientation. Big whoop. Many kids don't go. Sd isn't registered and bm and dh have to scramble to get her in. But the school has to take her, even if she registers late. The world will not fall apart.
I had similar issues I had to work through. I tend to be more together than bm and dh. I had to watch them drop many balls before I realized it is okay.
I will forward emails when I get them, look up numbers if he asks, give advice to dh. Once. I do not then remind him that a deadline is coming, I do not ask whether he worked it out, I do not check to see the status or what needs to be done.
If I am asked to assist with something, I do, but I do NOT put myself out because he dropped the ball and is now in a bad situation. (If you are going to do that, just help from the start and forget about disengaging). For instance- in the bookbag scenario. Dh had to drive the bookbag a half hour away to get it to sd. If he had asked me, I would say no.
If you bail them out when they make mistakes, they won't learn from them.
And it always works out. Does it work out the way it would have and as smoothly as if *I* had taken care of it? Not usually. But that's not my problem.
I just want to point out
I just want to point out things you said:
I was just going to check
SM picks up her messes
tell her to come back
I told him he needs to delete his 400 emails and keep it updated from here on out.
I had him call the office
if I figure this out for [them]
Don't mother you dh! Or bm.
Disengaging is EASY. Just live your life and don't worry about sd. If dh needs help from you, he can ASK and you can decide whether or not that works for you.
The level of involvement will depend on your schedule, your interest, etc. Think about situations like you are an aunt or sd is the child of a friend. Would you do what you are doing or whatever they are asking if it was a sister or friend asking?
Here is a similar example... My dad has had a lot of health problems lately. Sometimes my dh helps me out. I ask him to grab groceries or meds for my dad. He is off work for the summer, so has some free time. However, I don't' put responsibilities like managing his meds or taking him to the doctor or filling out applications, etc. on him.
I know you two are right! I
I know you two are right! I really shouldn't clean up their messes and it really was a mistake to delete all his junk emails. They both will never learn if I don't ignore their issues. I guess I have control issues or something! I do care that everything is taken care of because I was worried she would have crappy teachers if she started late, but I really need to let that fall on the parents! I've known these girls since they were little little little so as much as they piss me off I still care about the important stuff like education.
But I do have control issues. I want everything taken care of, right away, and my way is the best way because I feel like I have more life experience. Need to let that way of thinking go a little.
Disengaging sounds easy, but hasn't been to me! Not if DH doesn't step up, I can't live in chaos!
Btw, with your dad OrangeUglad,I think it's perfectly reasonable for your DH to help with him. Disengaging is supposed to be with skids when DH doesn't parent, and there is a crazy BM and you are in a bad sp situation you need to let go of responsibility from.
However it's frequent that DH's will help with their inlaws when they need help and they will gladly do it in their marriage. Unless they hate each other or something I don't see why you can't ask for help. I would gladly help with my IL's when they need help as they get older. They have been a huge support with the kids, including mine, financially and child care wise. Treating mine like family too. IMHO!