I love my sister but...
She has potential to be a nightmare BM.
She has two girls with a man she was never married to. They're supposed to be broken up but she still relies on him for a lot and he's over at her house every weekend so they're practically still together. I was having a conversation with her recently and I mentioned that it upsets me when S/O picks up the phone for BM when FSD is with the two of us. I feel that unless FSD is with BM there is nothing she has to say that she can't say via voicemail or text. My sister's response was to say that she feels that a woman should be able to call the father of her children, when ever and for what ever she feels she needs to. For example, she feels that if her car brakes down, she should be able to call her "ex" to help her. I said, call AAA or one of us (me, our mom, or our dad). I said what if her ex was at dinner or doing something with someone new? Does she expect him to drop everything and come tend to her? She said that it's up to him what he does but that she still should be able to have him as an option and she really wouldn't care how the new gf or wife felt about it. This year, her ex took her out to dinner for her birthday. I see this as a perfect example of them obviously not being done with each other, she thinks it's co-parenting. I said that co-parenting would be a joint bday party for one the GIRLS. I mentioned a situation I remember reading this site where the DH went to have dinner and tuck his children in at the BM's house every night. Apparently my sister feels that that scenario is fine and if either party were to start dating or get re-married, who are the new partners to contest or try to change things. I just said, don't date anyone else then if you're going to continue to play house with your ex. It isn't fair to bring someone else into the disfunction and then turn around and tell them they have no right to ask for changes. Her point of view is that the two parents decide how they want to interact with each other and anyone else can either take it or leave it.
I have another sister who is divorced with two boys and their dad just got remarried. Over the weekend my sister was spying on the new wife's page and accidentally pushed the add request button which was accepted by the other party. My sister deleted her and my other sister feels as though deep down inside, she, the new wife, probably wants my sister's acceptance. To which I asked, acceptance of what? MY sister divorced HIM so what is there to accept? Neither one of them answered.
I've just come to the conclusion that I cannot discuss being an SM with my sisters. Firstly, I'm not even married to S/O so I'm not even a real SM, secondly, their point of view doesn't go beyond being a BM. They both feel that my nieces and nephews should come first in their lives. Which is fine because they're both single right now. Unfortunately they think that it should be the same dynamic for anyone who they get into a serious relationship with. So of course, when I lament about being last on the totem pole with S/O, they don't see where I'm coming from. I don't want my sisters (or their exes) getting involved with anyone who would treat my nieces and nephews poorly but I have the benefit of being able to see things from both sides and I certainly know how it feels to be involved with someone who wants you to revolve your world around their kid just like they do.
Oh well, thats my rant for the month.
Hell yes they do! They
Hell yes they do! They actually said that S/O would be a bad dad if he ever put anyone before his daughter. This was in response to me complaining after BM called S/O on HIS weekend with FSD and asked if he was busy the following weekend. He said yes and BM told him she couldn't take FSD. S/O hung up on BM and looked at me and asked me what he should do. I said that I see no reason why BM can't get a babysitter but S/O didn't really want my opinion, he just wanted me to not be annoyed that he was allowing BM use him as a babysitter. Her reason was she had to work. The last time I checked, see's candy isn't open 24 hours a day plus, she works part time so why the hell can't she can't a f***ing babysitter for a few hours? HMMMMM??!! She does this CONSTANTLY and it will never stop being annoying. My sisters feel that he should always take FSD for BM and whatever else he may have had to do while FSD was supposed to be with her mom, doesn't matter and that I just have to get used to it. So basically, according to my sisters, I should never make plans with S/O and expect him to keep them because BM may decide she doesn't want to take FSD like she agreed to do.
That is just crap. And I
That is just crap. And I feel quite sure you can find instances in both your sisters' lives when they "put someone else ahead of their kids". Parents (good ones at least) do not allow their entire lives to be dictated by small people, and recognize that making sure a kid is always "first" results in disastrously spoiled and entitled little brats.
I don't get this attitude!!!
I don't get this attitude!!! I am BOTH a BM and SM and I do NOT constantly call my exH when the kids are there. I don't call at all, unless something important comes up he needs to know about (dr apt, etc) or if one of the kids had been very ill, I may call just to check up on him/her. Otherwise, I don't want to have anything to do with him! He has a live in gf, they have their own life, what they do does not concern me, and I certainly DO NOT want to go over and visit and chit chat with them. Also, I would do anything, and I mean anything, before I would EVER call my exH to help me out in ANY WAY. My DH's exW though, she still thinks he should be taking care of her, helping her out, fixing her car, buy groceries, etc, etc. I told him and her when she called me demanding to know where my DH was because she ran out of gas in her vehicle and he wasn't answering his phone and she NEEDED HIM to get gas and bring it to her, that his responsibility to HER ended when they signed the divorce documents. Told her she could find someone else to help, because I wouldn't give her a dime in gas, nor would my DH be doing so. (She called MIL who came and bailed her out and told DH how wrong it was to not go help her).
Why would you break up if you intend to be so closely involved in each other's lives? I expect nothing from my exH nor do I expect him to ask me for anything. ICK! I feel sorry for the sap who jumps into either your sister's ex life or your sister's life....because that is just a bit too cozy for most people.
Unfortunate that you can't have better conversations with your sisters...you all could be such a great support group for each other, but I sure wouldn't want to be the gf in that man's life
I'm the youngest of three
I'm the youngest of three girls and both my oldest and middle sister have kids. While the oldest sister seems to have a golden uterus, she is not nearly as bad as my middle sister. My eldest sister, I'll call her H, lives in a different state than the rest of the family so the only thing I know about her golden uterus attitude is that she believes her children should come first in her life, her ex's, his new wife and anyone she becomes seriously involved with in the future. This seems to be mostly personal opinion and nothing she tries to enforce with her ex. My middle sister however, I'll call her M, is another story. She lives up the street from me and not only does it make her mad that I'm not over at her place multiple times a week, but it makes her mad that I won't use my free time carting my nieces around when she can't or babysitting them during my free time. When we all lived under the same roof, I used to have to come up with excuses not to come home because if I was home, and didn't have anything to do, I should be spending time with her and my nieces or baby sitting. Last month I took the day off from work to go to my youngest nieces "graduation" from kinder into first grade. Mostly all the other kids parents took them home after the ceremony but my sister couldn't do the same because she didn't take the day off of work. She actually thought that I should take my niece home with me and spend my day off babysitting her and then going to pick up her older sister when she got out of school and baby sitting her too until my sister came home from work. I just said I had plans, I did, but I know she wanted me to cancel them. Even when H comes to visit there's conflict because while H wants to keep her children on the sleep schedule they're used to at home, M think that if she can't bring my nieces over for play time with their cousin's before their bedtime, that H should keep her kids up later. Same fight every time. H will be here in August and I know the same stuff will start. It makes me not want to have my own kids because I don't want to have to deal with my sister thinking her kids matter more because she had them first.
Or they'll just think their
Or they'll just think their kids matter more. I'd like to see how that would turn out too. I've tried using that scenario as a way to help them empathize with me but nothing seems to change their POV.
BioMonster used to to
BioMonster used to to constantly call my DH every time she needed something fixed: washing machine, furnace... DH fixed the washing machine and furnace because "my kids live there". One day, the beeyotch actually left a voicemail asking him to come change a LIGHT BULB. DH said to me that BM must have lost her mind. I said "Why? Every time something breaks, you go fix it 'because your kids live there'. If they lived across the country, would you drive 12 hours to unclog her toilet??" The next time she called with a broken dishwasher, he asked her if the sink still worked. "Well YEAH!" "Wash 'em by hand." She quit calling Mr. Fix-It after that.
Ugh! How annoying. When I
Ugh! How annoying. When I first met S/O he would occasionally pick BM up from work or take her to work. She doesn't have a driver's license so she would tell him to pick FSD up at a certain time and if he needed it to be later she'd tell him that fine but he has to take her to work so that she'd be on time. He also own a carpet cleaning company and she wanted him to clean her carpet. He asked me how I felt and I said just charge her how much you would a regular customer. He told her a price, which was under the normal amount, and she scoffed at it. I said then tell her to call stanley steamer and see how much they charge. He wanted to do it anyway because he felt it was doing something for his daughter and not a favor to BM. His daughter lives with HIM and goes to her mom's house EOW if her mom feels like it and even when she is over there, I highly doubt she's spending a lot of time on the floor of the place.
Her own taxi service - how
Her own taxi service - how nice!
When DH got a new gas-eficient car, BM thought he would start doing ALL the picking up and dropping off of the kids. DH reminded her that in the CO it said she had to do half the driving, so NO, he wouldn't be doing it all. She was ticked.
Yeah, BM is supposed to be
Yeah, BM is supposed to be doing half the driving as well and of course she can't because she doesn't drive. Not only does she not drive but pick ups and drop offs are still going by when she's able to receive or give her back. Every weekend FDS is with her mom S/O comes to stay at my place and every one of those weekends he asks HER when he should pick her up instead of saying I'll get her at whatever time. The CS tells him when to pick her up but it says at like 5pm so since he wants to spend more time with me, he picks her up late. It makes me mad because since he's not following the agreement he doesn't feel right trying to make her follow it. I would much rather him follow the darn thing if it meant we get to, you know, make plans. As a result, she is free to cancel her weekends with FSD resulting in him keeping her for more time than he's supposed to and she's also by default in control of how much alone time he and I spend together. It's awesome...oh, is my sarcasm showing? lol
Sarcasm? That's sarcasm?? No,
Sarcasm? That's sarcasm?? No, didn't notice at all...
Soon after our separation my
Soon after our separation my ex called and asked me to fix the fence. This with her new boyfriend keeping my bed warm having moved in so quickly it never got cool. I reminded her of that fact. What the hell are these women thinking?
I have no idea, and don't care, how the fence got fixed.
It is interesting to me that
It is interesting to me that some breeding partners often think they have some residual rights to an X.
My XW (we never spawned together) was of the mind that she could have every reasonable expectation that I would help her move, buy her a car, etc.... It usually baffled my mind how her brain worked after she moved out with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy.
The most notable incident was when we met for lunch while the divorce was progressing. After lunch she asked me to go car shopping with her because she needed a new car and wanted my opinion. :? A bit confusing to me but no big deal so I went. As the shopping unfolded so did her master plan. "You have a new car that you bought while we were married so you should buy a new car for me."
So I countered with "Well using that logic, when we married I had 3 cars and now I have only one so you own me two cars." She got a confused puppy dog look on her face for a moment then went ballistic. I laughed and walked back to my new truck and drove off.
She would call me when she had car trouble, when the sink in her house was leaking. Never did I do anything but laugh and tell her to figure it out.
The final issue was when she called me 3 mos after our divorce was final to tell me she was pregnant and ask me what she should do because "you are my best friend and know me better than anyone else". I was tongue tied by that call. But only for a minute. I told her to consider her upbringing and her parents and make her decision to either keep or terminate. She burst in to tears, told me she loved me and should never have cheated or divorced me.
At that time she heard a noise on the line. My brother had picked up the phone the same time I did and had heard her pregnancy news. He and I lived together when I went back to engineering school to finish my EE.
He congratulated her on the baby and asked if she had picked a name yet. She was all happy that he was not mad at her over the divorce/cheating and told him he was sweet for asking. She told him she had not picked a name so he made a suggestion. "The baby's middle name has to be Less like that character on WKRP in Cincinnati. Of course the first name will have to be FATHER!!!" She burst in to tears and he slammed the phone down to hang up. It took me a while to calm her down. I probably should have just laughed and hung up but at that time she had not reached the pinnacle of her toxic bullshit and I had not yet reached the end of my give-a-shit rope.
My brother really liked my XW and her betrayal really impacted him. Any time she would call and he answered he would shred her in to tears.
Family can be very protective
Family can be very protective of the 'injured' family member.
BioMonster texted my DH when her washing machine quit working and wanted him to come fix it. I said "She has Mr. Pinhead now. If he can't fix it, she should call a professional." DH never answered that text or the subsequent 4.