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Made a huge mistake

wishidlistened's picture

Submitted by wishidlistened on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 1:15pm

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I think I made a huge mistake. My DH and I have been married for only about 3 months. Essentially we got married so that we could have a mortgage on a new house. I thought at the time but it was the right thing to do because we were both sick of living in a small apartment and paying a heavy rent and he said we wouldve gotten married anyway. I agreed then but looking back I think if I had waited just one more month I would have changed my mind. When we first met I was very much in love with him. However over time I feel like I have fallen out of love with him. I think resentment has built up. When we first met he still wasn't over his ex girlfriend who had cheated on him and left him. For a long time he refused to cut ties with her even when he was with me. He was always considering her needs before mine even though we were dating. He would text her and maintain contact with her even though i said it hurt me.At the time I feel like I fought very hard 2 get him to commit to me and to forget about her. His ex would try to manipulate him and he would fall for it every time and do whatever she wanted. He helped her get a car and paid all her bills. I don't think that he ever cheated on me but at the time I was very worried about it. Now looking back I think I wish he had cheated on me because I might not be in the mess that I am in now. He even wanted to be in her kids lives but I put my foot down and said thats fine but I dont want to spend my life taking care of her kids so bye. He did end up choosing to distance himself from her and her kids or so I thought. I knew the day after we got that I had made a mistake because the next day he said to me that he wants us to let her kids visit every once in a while. I felt trapped because we had just gotten married the day before and he springs that on me all over again. I told him no that I wouldn't put up with that and he hasn't really brought it up but i know that he's still talks to her kids. At this point I'm really unhappy and I just want out. Also I should mention that he has a biological daughter with his first wife and I seem to get along with her pretty well. Now I'm even questioning if I even want to be a step mom at all. I think if I had found this website and read some of the posts on here I would never have gotten myself into this situation at all. I also feel like it is my fault and that my parents warned me and I should have listened. I've done pretty well for myself. I have a masters degree and a good job and no kids of my own but I also feel like I made a dumb mistake. Now Im locked into a marriage and a morgage. Sad Sad

DaisyJC's picture

Submitted by DaisyJC on Wed, 07/16/2014 - 4:44pm

Oh my goodness... Listen to this person OP!!!! I didn't and from your situation I went on to have 4 children with the man, it all ended terribly and has broken my dear dear children's hearts and my heart endlessly... Run.now and then, in 2 years time, it will be a distant memory to giggle over with your friends. Next time you'll know to marry someone who dearly loves you and you can have a beautiful family together xxxxx

fedupstep's picture

Submitted by fedupstep on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 1:30pm

You don't think he's cheated? I hate to break it to you, but at the VERY LEAST he's emotionally and mentally cheating on you. Any man that would put a cheating ex and her kids (not by him!!??!!) ahead of his wife, is a selfish douchbag. You know you've made a huge mistake, but you shouldn't have to pay for it for the rest of your life.

Not a huge Dr. Phil fan but he said it best: "The only thing worse than wasting x-amount of time on something that isn't working is wasting x-amount of time plus a day."

Do not be embarrassed. I suspected my ex-husband of cheating but had no proof. He was way too emotionally attached to a female coworker. He swore up and down there was nothing going on. I wish I had trusted my gut. They now have 2 kids together.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 2:03pm

I would get a lawyer and get out. You can do a quit claim deed and walk away. I would if I felt like this so early. Get it annulled and move on.

Calypso1977's picture

Submitted by Calypso1977 on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 2:05pm

"You do know that you don't have to be married to enter into a mortgage together, right ? Single, unrelated people take out mortgages together every single minute of the day."

This.

my ex-husband and i got our house before we got married. of course in hindsight, had we not gotten the house i probably never would have married him. the house was like a millstone weight around my neck....nothing like being trapped in a mortgage with a man that isnt The One.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 2:34pm

I think you should maybe try and fond out why you married in the first place. And them find out why you want to divorce now.

The only thing that has changed is he wants to see BM's other kids. (this would piss me off too btw).

Before you run off to divorce court...get some counseling. First for yourself and then marriage counseling.

It does not sound like his is abusive, or addicted or an adulterer, so maybe it can be salvaged.

OrangeUGlad's picture

Submitted by OrangeUGlad on Wed, 07/16/2014 - 9:08am

Totally agree!

If you think getting a divorce is bad and messy- you can't imagine what living in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life is like!

If you realize that you made a mistake, okay- acknowledge that and walk away now.

Think of every day you stay is another mistake.

counseling.advocate's picture

Submitted by counseling.advocate on Thu, 07/17/2014 - 2:46am

This is wonderful advice! Don't think too much into it. You are young, smart and have so much ahead of you! Just get an annulment, and for god sakes don't get pregnant or you are bound to this man one way or another forever.

arjuna79's picture

Submitted by arjuna79 on Tue, 07/15/2014 - 4:13pm

I realized SIX WEEKS into my first marriage that I had made a huge, huge, huge mistake. Being young and very confused… I then wallowed for about 2 1/2 years before I got tired of him telling me to leave. So i finally did. It took the support of friends who finally spoke up and told me: "you know this isn't right, right? You know it shouldn't be like this - " and that's what I needed to hear to man up and save my own life. And that's what you have here. You don't have to be stuck in this story.
GO!!!!

SugarSpice's picture

Submitted by SugarSpice on Wed, 07/16/2014 - 1:02am

end it now and get on with your life. i should have done this 20 yearz ago. jwe ust got married and i came home from grocery shopping. saw dh bouncing sds on his lap and giggling and googly goo and all that. he glanced at me as if i was a maid reporting for work. then he imediately returned his attention to the sds. it was downhill every since. i regret not getting annulment then.

DaisyJC's picture

Submitted by DaisyJC on Wed, 07/16/2014 - 4:47pm

Best of luck op, I really hope you can hear what these people are saying Smile good luck honey!

amiwise78's picture

Submitted by amiwise78 on Thu, 07/17/2014 - 1:20am

You didn't need to get married to buy a house together, its a half mortgage... but it happened. I think you thought that once you were married, he wouldn't contact the ex. He must have great ties with her and the kids, and hes not the biological father to them. If you truly believe you've fallen out of love, move on now. Good luck