SEX
Let's talk about sex!
Ok I think DH and I have a pretty happy and healthy relationship. We probably have sex 2-4x per week, usually about 3. But sometimes there will be super busy days all in a row, or I won't feel well one of the days, or I have to wake up early the next day and I have epilepsy so I can't stay up late or I'll have a seizure or a combination of those cases that sometimes causes us to go like 4 days without sex.
He seriously gets super frustrated. He doesn't really talk to me, he acts mad at me and doesn't talk to me about it and I know what's going on, but there's just no way I could have avoided those past few days! If I'm not up to perform I just can't do it! Do you want me to just pretend and lay there and not enjoy it?
Once I sleep with him, we are back to our normal selves again and all lovey dovey happy married couple. But it raises questions in my mind. With my son and his two daughters, will I have the energy for sex if we have another child together? If we have sex a little less, will it be like this?
Tell me, how often do you guys think is normal for a couple to have sex and for a DH to start to get upset? Is any of this typical?
Keep in mind that my DH isn't a jerk. He's a nice guy. Good father. Not a douchbag.
Not sure how old you are but
Not sure how old you are but at close to retirement age, 3x a week would exhaust me.
once a week is good these days but I'm not 100% healthy right now so we cuddle and things but don't really go all out much right now.
(used to be a 4x a weeker though.
"Do you want me to just
"Do you want me to just pretend and lay there and not enjoy it". I understand millions of women do it routinely.
Every persons libido is different so comparing him to a 16yo may not be out of line however I do agree with the comment above about staying up late bringing on a seizure.
But all said and done I do see him as pretty juvenile.
I agree with tog. FDH doesn't
I agree with tog.
FDH doesn't pout and mope around not talking to me... He expresses how he feels. if we haven't had sex in a few days he'll bring it up.
I'm not the kind of person who needs sex all the time, like I have explained to my FDH when he asks how I can't keep track of how long it's been since we've had sex. If I wasn't with FDH (or another serious relationship) I would be 100% okay with out sex. He understands it, not really, but tries to.
We have similar reasons for not having sex, other than the epilepsy. We have 3 kids under 3 and SD 4 days a week whom is 3... so 4 under 4, 3/4 of the time.
No offence, but your DH is being Childish. He needs to work on using his words to TELL you why he is frustrated... not pout and throw a pity party to make you feel bad about being busy and having an illness that prevents you from late nights.
Every couple has a different
Every couple has a different dynamic. Normal is dependent on each couple.
For us it ebbs and flows in cycles. Several (4+) times per week for a number of weeks, dropping to a couple of times per week periodically and even to a few times a month in periodic months. Stress, health, tiredness, connection, work travel, all play a part in where we happen to be in our cyclical progression.
Rarely does either of us get cranky about it since all it pretty much takes is for one or the other of us to initiate and we are off to the races.
My XW and I were married for 2.5 years and had sex 8 times in that period. She was absolutely not interested. Little did I know at that time but she was a busy lover everywhere but at home. Before I met my XW I was very active. I had several GFs at a time and multiple partners per week was regular or even periodically multiple partners per day was not unusual. When we started dating XW informed me that she was practicing abstinance until marriage. I was in love and I respected her wishes. Pretty much I was an idiot.
Wow, 8 times in 2.5 years,
Wow, 8 times in 2.5 years, brutal!!! Sounds like you're way better off now!
My ex said I was a perv
My ex said I was a perv because I wanted it once a MONTH. 3x a year was a record for us. Yes, I invested at the toy store...
My son's father and I only
My son's father and I only had sex maybe once a month. Drove me nuts. I'm pretty sure it was no big deal to him. I think now that he was getting some on the side.
I knew to the DATE when my son was conceived. I had a much better understanding of when he was going to be born than the docs did (who wanted to induce me before MY calculated due date).
Thank goodness my DH and I are pretty much on the same schedule. About 4-5x/week. Except I had surgery a month ago and I am supposed to hold off for two months. I'm going nucking futs!
It's a miracle if I get sex
It's a miracle if I get sex once a week. Usually 2-3 times a month is what I get if I'm lucky. Tell your DH he's getting plenty and NOTHING should come before your health.
I'm with you on that. I'm the
I'm with you on that. I'm the one with a high sex drive in the relationship. I would love it every other day but would be fine with once a week. I end up getting it about once every 2 weeks. I unfortunately get cranking too. I try not to; it is juvenile. On the other hand, we aren't old people and he admits to masturbating around two times a day so I don't understand. He says he gets off on conversation and it has nothing to do with looks or even if he's in the mood. I've never met a man like this before. Usually I'm the one beating them off with a stick. lol Maybe I'll appreciate this in another 10 years?
I do this - a woman who wants
I do this - a woman who wants to insure her man doesn't stray keeps him empty.
Should women also stay in the
Should women also stay in the kitchen?
My first husband was the same
My first husband was the same way. He would want sex sometimes 8-10 times a day, serious too much! Everything was about sex for him, he could not get enough and I was never able to please the man. Like your husband, if a couple days went by he would have an adult tantrum. He threatened to find other women. I eventually just started laying there and taking it and wishing for it to be over. He wanted to do all these sex acts and make this big 3 ring circus act out us together. he wanted me to read porn forums to get me interested. He wanted to wife swap which I would not do. He wanted 3-somes which again I would not do.
After 7 years of marriage I caught him in an affair, we split. He cheated on his lover, they split. He remarried and he cheated on his second wife, they split. He is now with another very sweet lady and has cheated on her as well. I cannot speak for your husband by my ex was a sex addict. I realize that everyone's libido is different but my ex had issues. If this sounds familiar and he will not understand you and only places blame, I suggest marriage counseling so perhaps he can understand how you are feeling.
To OrangeCountyCa, I realize you are male and I understand your logic and if that works for you great. In some cases keeping a man sexually happy/empty is not the answer. I lived it. Having sex 8-10 times a day is insane now that I look back. He was not in love with me, he was in love with sex and I just happen to be naive enough to think it was love.
That is insane! I hope he's
That is insane! I hope he's gotten the help he needs now... I would not be able have sex 8-10x per day, that's just madness. 1x maybe with no guarantees
Haha, maybe she has!! Good
Haha, maybe she has!! Good point though. It would be just as easy to say that all women use sex as a tool to manipulate men. Or women have no sense of direction. Or a thousand other stereotypes. However, I don't believe you should prioritize your spouse over yourself. Both should have equal priority. Men have as much right to health and life as women.
I just want to be clear - I'm
I just want to be clear - I'm not making excuses for him. Im trying to paint a picture because you are all online and don't know us. He could be a total jerk guy who only cares about himself etc etc there are a lot of bad type of men out there. He is not that way, but that doesn't mean there aren't things about him that don't piss me off. This is obviously pissing me off and in this case, he needs to hear my side and be sensitive because I give him all he needs already. But that doesn't mean I am considered to be "making excuses for him" because I'm saying i love my DH and he is a good person even though we are having this problem. Ridiculous lol
Thanks guys. It helps to have
Thanks guys. It helps to have input from other people. You guys are totally right. He's being a jerk, juvenile, acting like a horny 16 year old. He's 38 years old for crying out loud. It's been 3 days because I was having tummy problems 2 days (I think it's cuz I'm having periods every other month and it's O time, this also happened 2 months ago) but I think he thinks I'm faking it, and 3rd day was bc of a late family event. If he's pissed, I'll tell him he's being a dick head. Thanks!!!
Actually, I think many men
Actually, I think many men enjoy sex. A lot of women enjoy sex as well. If you and your partner don't have the same level of interest then that is a real problem. If he acts out, it isn't because he is a dickhead. He is letting you know he is having problems with your sex life and it probably doesn't end there. It is hard to always be sympathetic when someone has a chronic condition. For better or worse right. Stop and think about how much each of you is expected to absorb in the way of emotional and physical work. Does the scale even out? If not then there is your real problem. A lot of women tend to contorl sex in a relationship. Especially when their drive is not the same as their partner. It is hard as a man to feel like you have to beg for sex.
Don't blame a dog for sitting under someone else's porch if you don't feed it enough. You want things out of your relationship. So does your spouse.
Yeah I understand what you
Yeah I understand what you are saying, but the thing is that these "delays" aren't a regular thing, because I enjoy sex too. But when it does happen like once every 6 weeks roughly/on average, he sleeps on the other side of the bed, is quiet at night and eventually I confront him on it and he admits to being super frustrated and takes little consideration for the circumstances and acts mad.
But I do enjoy sex and usually we have it a normal amount.
Yeah my husband goes to all
Yeah my husband goes to all my appts with me and wakes me up and brings my medicine to me every morning cuz he doesn't want me to have one. He's experienced most of my seizures over the past 5 years and cares very much and knows a lot. I share all of the research about pregnancy so we can decide. That's the main reason he is worried about having one, but I kinda want to work around it because mine are controlled unless I don't get enough sleep. I average about 4 a year right now plus mild Myoclonics occasionally but I'm changing one of my meds that's pretty much useless.
Sex drive is affected a little but we make it fun so I like it but life and 3 kids between the two of us gets in the way and he needs to understand that.
Hmmm, I think a DH who gets a
Hmmm, I think a DH who gets a bit grouchy after too many days without release (from his perspective) is one of life's smallest problems. Instead of making this "his" problem or "yours," why not make it "ours?"
Tell him your fears and ask him for his help. How can we solve this? He may very well be willing to do extra chores or hire a housekeeping/childcare service, or plan a couple days a month where you get to relax 'stead of chase kids/cook/whatever else that makes you tired to make you more available for couples intimacy.
Just because he knows you have the sickness doesn't mean he automatically connects the dots.
What is the downside of doing this? You don't get to be snarky to him? I know you don't want to be snarky to him so I am myself being snarky just to make a point so please forgive me for that.
If you ask him for help solving this problem, you get cooperation with him and good feelings between you; some more help in your daily life; and more sex instead of vacuuming! WIN WIN WIN!!!!
Just tell him to go to Rosey
Just tell him to go to Rosey Palm for a good time. (When he is done, his palm will be rosy).
I have to add another thing
I have to add another thing to this that Rags reminded me of In his comment. Typically you have two people initiating sex, right? Well, I am the one that usually has to, or it won't happen. Not always, but usually.
I told him a few weeks ago that it would take a lot of pressure off if he would make the first move and it would be more fun for me.
He told me that men have been predetermined to believe that women get to decided when they get to have sex and his XW (ended 7 years ago) pretty much controlled their sexual relationship I think and he hardly got any.
We used to do it every day, skip a day here or there. We usually do it every other day or two now. But it would be nice if he tackled me more!
I understand your DHs baggage
I understand your DHs baggage on this. My XW controlled the pooty very tightly.
What finally brought the divorce to the action list was that I was sick of no sex so for the last 2 years of the 2.5 year marriage I initiated at least once a day. I forced her to say no so that I could keep the pressure on and to insure that she knew unequivically that SHE was the problem. I found out a few years after the divorce that she had several fuck buddies for nearly our entire marriage while I was the dutiful faithful husband. Thinking back to the Rags I was at that time I make myself want to puke. :sick: Not because I was a bad guy, or that I was doing the wrong things, but because I abandoned the guy I liked being.
When my amazing bride and I met it was sexual fireworks and that has pretty much continued. Our frequency oscilates but the passion is amazing regardless of where we are on the frequency continueum. We trade off on initiation. Usually the banter is initiated by me and we progress from there. When she initiates it is hot and NOW!!! }:)
One thing that does need to happen though is that I need to get my fluffy middle aged butt in shape. Over the past 3 years she has become the fitness queen. When we moved to an expat assignment she has semi-retired and now has all the time in the world to focus on her fitness and health. She misses her own success career as a CPA/partner track manager but also enjoys the very svelt curvy hottie she has rediscovere. On the other hand I work 60+ hour weeks and when I get home the last thing I want to do is work out. She has lost ~60lbs over the past 3 years. I need to lose ~80. I still feel like I did when I was 18 until I look in the mirror or see a pic of myself. My fist thought is "who is that guy?"
Haha Rags, it looks like
Haha Rags, it looks like tomorrow in counseling I'll need to bring this up because it's a real issue for him! He's almost 39 and hard to change his thoughts sometimes. He knows that we enjoy sex together so I'm not sure why he potentially lets past relationships or stereotypes affect his ability to make the first move. I like to be dominated (at least 50/50 of the time) and we talked openly about that a few weeks ago so I'll bring it up in counseling.
Damn, if she wasn't getting it from you I guess she had to be getting it somewhere! I'm glad you found someone else that has made you happier. Ultimately it has worked out better in the end!
Medifast works well for weight loss. Super quick, easy to stick to, and lots of weight loss if you need to lose that much weight. Good luck!
Whoa that sounds pretty
Whoa that sounds pretty controlling, but if you are okay with it, I can't say anything without knowing details lol! But if it's something you don't like and you are saying you would be okay with a sexless marriage then maybe you should see a therapist to work through his issues? Sex is fun and a way to connect and show love to your partner! It would be nice if you could initiate that from time to time!
Wow! Sounds like DH has had a
Wow! Sounds like DH has had a tough life. Good thing he's got such a supportive wife to carry him through
It's funny because I've maybe
It's funny because I've maybe only turned him down 3 times in the past 5 years. I just won't initiate it if I'm not in the mood, but he can get me in the mood and make a move if he wants lol.
I don't keep score, but I'm thinking back and we have sex frequently enough for me to be able to estimate and I know there is usually a day or two in between so it's easy to count.
That's great that you guys place such high importance on communication and respect.
Don't get me wrong, we do too.
But a new development has come to light that he's showing otherwise and our therapist will help us through it, hopefully.
Lmao! When he's done, IT is
Lmao! When he's done, IT is done. Doesn't matter if I was done or not
interesting idea. I don't know if I could make fun of him though. I could certainly wear him out though, being 13 years younger!
Fortunately I have never had
Fortunately I have never had this problem. It has always taken a very, very, very long time to get mine so my partners getting theirs before I got mine has never been an issue.
In my teens, 20s and into my mid 30s 3-4 times for me in a long amorous session was not unheard of. At 50 I may not be as good as I once was but I am as good once as I ever was.
}:)
Longevity is very likely one of the things that hooked my amazing bride. She was young, had not experienced an attentive lover more interested in her than himself, and having me focus on multiples for her has always been something that she appreciates. So do I for that matter. There is nothing more beautiful than my satisfied bride. Feeling good about sexual performance and pleasing my bride is something that works for me and for her.
I am proud of that.
My bride is 38 and I am recently 50. Things still work well for both of us. Interestingly since she has switched from hormonal BC to a non-hormonal IUD, lost ~60lbs, and has semiretired from her career as a CPA to become a fitness queen, she has become even more responsive and orgasmic than she has historically been.
Now I have to get in shape so I can keep up and let her enjoy my satisfaction as much as I enjoy hers.
Sex cannot make a marriage but it sure can end one in a hurry. A healthy sexual connection between spouses makes a good marriage even better.
IMHO of course.
Well!!! You should be very
Well!!! You should be very proud of yourself!! I like how you call her your bride, I can tell you care about her a lot by the way you talk about her, it's adorable!
I've never been able to O very easily. Never ever ever. You have to work very hard, the mood has to be just right, and lots of foreplay.
But my DH has taken the most interest in making it happen and solving the puzzle lol. He's gotten lots of toys and spent time trying and he's gotten me to reach O many times but only once, maybe twice through sex. So I enjoy the journey more than anything and making him feel good. Sometimes he lasts a long time too, which won't make a difference on my O lol