Honestly, I think this is just an excuse.

My DF knows how much I intensely dislike his spawn although he wishes things were different he gets my reasoning. He can have alatiobship with her on his own ~ but plz don't ever let those two relationships cross. Could care less about her ~ she is not my problem to fix !!!

Turn it back on him. Tell him his parenting style has changed your feelings for him as well.

I know for myself how I feel about his lazy, selfish, stinking, greedy skids have affected my love for my DH. I used to utterly ADORE and LOVE him until I saw how he let BM walk all over us and mistreat me while he did nothing but cow-tow to her. His Disney Daddy/guilty daddy syndrome. It made me lose respect for him and to not want to have sex with him anymore. It took several years.

My DH used to be able to make me feel guilty that I would get upset because the whole world revolved around skids and BM. After I'd had all that I could stand I turned the tables on him. I found this site, got marriage counseling, had a cow and demanded to be treated with respect by ALL. Threatened divorce and even left once for a few days. I had to open his eyes on how unfair the entire situation was to me! I have hardly any baggage for him to deal with.

Turn the tables on the bastard. Get a great marriage counselor who specializes in Step-familes. The counselor will open his eye.

Read the book Step Monster!

You need to show your DH that he and his asshole kids ARE WRONG.

Dude, I have told DH that both SD's behavior are selfish, bratty, disrespectful, that they don't listen and I'm sick of them "forgetting" our rules, sometimes I yell at them like a crazy person if they don't uphold their values on front of me (pet peeve - no no) even if DH is there because it doesn't bother him as much and so much more. Sometimes I'm SURPRISED he still cares for me.

Maybe because I love them and he knows that I'm just trying to make sure they turn out the best they can when I try to change them but still, I don't think your case is as obvious as mine. I've even said in counseling "sometimes i struggle so much with them, I question whether I like them as human beings"

But counseling has helped that. Your DH shouldn't be feeling those things..

two words: leave him.

Ouch that must have hurt! I'm sorry your DH put it so bluntly.

I have to say though that I personally believe that is how all bioparents feel.
It's like if you had a partner who didn't like your nose. Most people would eventually get sick of comments or looks or any kind of feedback about their nose at all, because they don't have a problem with it, it never occurred to them there was anything wrong with their nose and it's not something they can easily change. There might be a few people that would be willing to get a nose job just to please their partner, but even they would most likely wind up resentful over it.

Yep kind of like that, only add in a heaping helping of instinctual, unconditional love. In my personal opinion, a relationship will not last once one partner thinks the other partner doesn't like/love their kids. Dislike something the kid does, fine. Dislike them overall as a person, not fine.

Instinctual unconditional love will eventually win out over conditional relationship love every time.

Of course I know most on this site disagree with me, but the posts announcing divorces tend to prove me right. Either bioparent got sick of stepparent's having issues with kid or stepparent got sick of their issue with kid being ignored by bioparent who doesn't see it as an issue.

I think we all have heard something like this from our spouses or partners. I've been told that DW's family and friends think I'm selfish for not wanting to help out her daughters more. My MIL even thought that. Then SD24 came to live with her for a few months before kicking her out. She pulled me to the side after that and apologized for what she said, and that she completely understands where I'm coming from now.

Your husband honestly is just making excuses, or looking for a way out it seems. Like another poster said, tell him his parenting style makes it hard for YOU to care about him.

I'm glad you got Step Monster, OP!

Here is a very helpful review. Couldn't have said it better myself

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"Stepmothers don't get permission to feel anything less than never-ending love and understanding toward their step-kids. Yet those very step-kids are almost expected to dislike and reject their stepmothers, and understood if they do. All the while our husbands and the rest of society expect the adult (us, even if the children are also adults) to take the high road in the face of the steady pain that is inflicted upon us. Our step children are never expected to love us like they love their mothers (or even like us) but we stepmothers are not offered any clemency if we do not love our step children like we would (or do) love our own, and God forbid we don't even like them. Why?!?! If it weren't for the fact that I am the older of the 2 of us I would never be expected to accept such an injustice or demonstrate such pure sacrifice. Absurd! But there is no doubt that this is our reality.

Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves; either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost."

It is not easy, sorry you have had to deal with this. I understand your pain. When I met my husband he had full custody of his two sons who were 5 & 7. He had been divorced from his wife for 3 years and she had no contact with the boys for the first 2 years and had only 1 visit by the time I met husband. The boys has issues, real behavioral issues. Husband sister tried to talk to him about it, husband's best friend tried to talk to him about it. I was very compassionate and felt that part of the issues were the divorce and the boys being tossed around to family and sitters. I thought I could help. I am a teacher and kids love me, I get along with people so I didn't see this as too big of a challenge. Boy, was I ever wrong. This became the biggest challenge of my life.

I tried to be fair and treat his children the way I treated mine. If the boys were unhappy I was the first one the bio mom and inlaws suspected were causing the boys' unhappiness. I was the one who had the largest role in these boys' lives to make sure that everything was cared for.....husband worked long hours and was out of town many times, bio mom was no where close and neither were any family. I think what everyone expected of me was not for me to treat the boys like my own but to treat them like they were sacred.

At one point the then 18 year old boy was dating a 16 year old girl and it was obvious to me that they were sexually involved and I wanted to make sure protection was being used. I could see her accusing him of rape if she became pg, just so she would not disappoint her parents with the truth. I contacted the mom, I was kind and understanding, I let her know my concern about her being 16 and he being 18 and them being active. Holy war broke out, it was crazy. Had to to do the same type of communication with two of my bio children and oddly enough I was respected. So there is something that marks us as stepmoms. We're supposed to let these brats walk all over us, we are supposed to turn a blind eye to their actions, we are to only adore them and out them up on a pedestal while they say hateful and demeaning things to us and about us. Been thru it all.

Me, the person, who felt like I could get along with anyone finally found myself wanting nothing to do with the boys' bio mom who did nothing but cause issues and tell lies to the boys, my inlaws who sided with the boys because they were blood family, and I have not had any relationship with either boy in years. I am with my husband still, married 22 years. I see the child we had together and my 2 daughters who still call their stepdad, "dad," as my family. If my husband wants anything to do with his sons or his family that is all up to him. We no longer talk about them, I just do not even want to know.

My Fiancee cannot stand up to his 19 year old son who lives with us. His son has used my belongings without asking wrecked them, has had temper tantrums and sworn his head off at me for no reason, breaks every house rule, is the biggest slob i have ever seen, and generally treats everyone poorly however he treats me even worse.

The other night he admitted that he was scared to say anything or put his foot down about house rules in fear that his son might be mad at him. I said I could not imagine having a relationship with anyone that is under that kind of control and rules on a relationship.
He accused me of hating his son, I don't hate him. Hate is too strong of a word, I dislike him. To be liked you have to be likeable and to be loved you have to be lovable. His son is neither, hard to like someone who treats you so poorly. My fiancee I can tell does not like my son, who always follows the rules, always tried to make others happy, but is an introvert. He doesn't like him because he is different. I think its kind of strange that I should like someone that treats me so badly however he cannot like someone who tries to fit in with him.

I understand that your DH not standing up for you or doing anything causes a lack of respect for him and resentment in your relationship because I feel it too.