"You love DS more than US"
Ugh my SD's piss me off. Usually it's the older one 11yo that brings this up mainly but she sees the difference in the connections between my DS8 and my two SD's. They (her) have said multiple times "you love DS more than you love us and it hurts our feelings so bad!!"
I get so pissed because I work so hard to please these girls. I do girls nights will facials, we do nails, dance offs, I just healed Sd8's 2nd degree sunburn (cetaphil cream is the magic trick guys, don't forget) that her mom gave her and didn't do anything about at all, I cook for them, teach them values, and I would die for them in a heartbeat. Sure, my love for them is different than DS's and sure i love him more. But I don't show it. SD's get disciplined more because they do things to get into trouble more and of they didn't, then they would see that they would all be treated the same. But it's just not possible.
I should point out that sd11 is adopted by DH because his ex left him for a short period and got preg by someone else, came back and he adopted SD. I don't know if this has anything to do with why she always says this to me, but I'm sick of explaining myself, you know? I want her to know that she is an equal member of the family. It must be difficult for her, afterall my son as a bio mom (me), sd8 has a bio dad (DH) and then there's sd11 who comes here with no bio. The only bio is at her moms house. So I don't know if this has anything to do with it.
Sd11 confides in me over her mom. Her mom is crazy and doesn't pay any attention to her. Especially as her body is going through changes she has lots of questions and doesn't feel comfortable asking mom, only me. I'm special to her in lots of ways and she loves me and favors to be with me even over DH in lots of ways.
How can I avoid this from happening? I'm sick of it. We are a family.
I tell them I love them the same but the love is a doffernt kind of love, since I gave birth to DS. I chose to love them when I didn't have to and yada yada yada
Id like to avoid comments such as disengaging and anything related.
Time for some math I think.
Time for some math I think. Make a flash card for each kid with their name at the top and a number. Use the same number for each kid but in a different color and different design so that they are obviously the same number with different designs. Use each kid’s favorite color. Hopefully they do not have a common favorite color. If they do then nice random colors will do.
Then ask them to read the name at the top and if each card has the same number of a different number. This is a tool to demonstrate that you and their father love them all the same amount but that each person is different (hence the different colors) so though the amounts are the same some of the feelings are different. If they need additional clarity or examples ask them if one of the boys favorite food was snails if they would like it if that was all that was served for dinner since they want the "love" to be equal. Then pull out the M&Ms or Skittles. Have the kids all divide the candy by color then create equal piles of each of the flashcard colors you made. Then give each of the kids a different number and ask them if the piles are the same. Obviously they are not. Then give each kid the rest of their pile and ask them if the piles are the same.
A sort and classify demonstration of loving the same amount though differently (the colors again).
Once you have gone through this exercise then ask them who is telling them that their dad and you live their brothers more than them. To resolve this the source of this toxic PAS bullshit will have to be destroyed.
Or something like this.
It may just work for an 8yo and 11yo.
Good luck.
Wow. Amazing. I will have to
Wow. Amazing. I will have to try this next time. Sounds complicated and I almost don't understand. I'll keep reading it and maybe research more and I'll figure it out! Thanks!
My therapist is ALWAYS
My therapist is ALWAYS telling me that sd11 admires me so much and craves my attention more than anyone. You may be correct! Sometimes I see things as black and white whereas my DH does not, so were a good match lol. And that's why counseling is good for me. I'm taking this too personal. When they say things like this, I get upset with them because they aren't appreciating what they have, the attention they get and it's like everything I do for them or with them gets erased and I feel they should value it more. I grew up with nothing and with all the people in their lives from both sides I feel they are spoiled. Especially compared to ds7. So I always focus on undoing the damage of everyone spoiling them when I should be not be taking things so personal and using your advice more lol.
Yeah I'll definitely try
Yeah I'll definitely try it.
Trust me, I actually struggle with my feelings for them. But I do love them and I've been faced with challenges lately that have put it all out there and I've felt so defensive over them, I realized... I love them. I really do, like my children. There are just so many challenges we have to work through and compared to other kids I'm sure they will turn out okay.
I'm trying to be nicer lately - One day they will grow up and look back on their childhood and I don't want them to have bad memories of me and be evil step mom.
When DH is home though, he deals with all the problems of discipline. Oh yes!
She's old enough, with
She's old enough, with puberty oncoming, to understand that women bear all of the risk of childbirth. I'm wondering if she would have a better grasp of what's going on it you explained how nature instills a woman with a certain love for a child she bears because she's risked her life to bring it into our world?
But at the same time the woman can love a husband, parents, siblings to an equal degree as well as children she has adopted such as step-children.
Oh this is great material!
Oh this is great material! This will soooo be used in the next lecture during the skittles demo!!
Teach them the art of living
Teach them the art of living in gratitude...Help them to practice what they are thankful for...Where are those thoughts coming from? Refuse to receive the accusation...Your blog was mostly defending yourself because of a twelve year old...
You allowed her to put on the defensive of an allegation that is probably true. Reality is, she is not your bio daughter and you do love them differently...Heck, even in unbroken homes the children are all different types of personalities, and the relationships between the mom and child are different with each one. Don't fall into the trap of trying to paint the "perfect picture" of family...You will end up being controlling and manipulating....Instead, recognize and teach her that each relationship God has allowed you to encounter in life is different...Each one is unique and special in it;s own way depending on who you are and who they are and what you both put not it...They are not supposed to be carbon copies...We are all different...when you can take the step this and ex that and bio this and half that out of the title...and just enjoy each other for the unique people you were each made to be...and teach her to stop dictating how she thinks you should be and enjoy you and vise versa for the people God created you to be...it will take a lot of pressure off from everyone...
Live, and let live...be and let be...I wasted way to much of my life trying to make the "picture perfect blended family"... and failed miserable..What a waste of time and energy...Just teach her to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship...to stop comparing (that is always a trap to create a winner and loser mentality)...and stop complaining and criticizing you that you aren't good enough...it is what it is because of who you both are and what you put into it...The good new is...you can be intentional about making it whatever you want it to be no limits...but she also has to contribute...don't make the mistake of going overboard 200% while she shows no initiative..because that is not reality either...It's is based on what you BOTH put into it...
I will also use this in my
I will also use this in my next lecture!!! I've used this before to an extent but oh yes this is great and apparently they forget everything!
Ya I will try not to make the perfect blended family... The girls are girls and kinda fight a lot and so they fight like brothers and sisters with DS too. I just want the fighting to stop then it won't be so high conflict and I'll treat the girls better and they won't feel this way haha but until then oh yes I'm keeping them all in line, disciplining all of them.
When we have a baby I hope I have a boy cuz my boy is so easy!
"I couldn't love any of you
"I couldn't love any of you more."
This might be too geared
This might be too geared towards young children but I always liked the candle analogy. The two big candles are mom and dad (or dad and SM). The smaller candles are each child. When the two big candles are lit (with love), they are able to light the smaller candles. Each candle they light does not take away from the love they have for the others. Because one candle can light a LOT of other candles and still maintain its own flame.