Disrespectful Adult SS (24 and 25)
I am 50 years old (a young 50!). I was widowed after a great 20 yr marriage, no children. I have been married to my DH for 9 years now. During those 9 years, my 2 SS have been disrespectful and rude towards me, but mostly to my DH. I am pretty much invisible to my 2 SS. My husband does a lot for his 2 sons and is a very positive guy. But it’s never enough…attitude is: dad owes us. My SS live together now in a nearby town. We have always taken them on vacation, celebrated birthdays with parties/gifts, paid for college (1 dropped out during 3rd semester thus losing our tuition $, the other was put on academic suspension for low GPA and has not returned yet), nice Christmas presents, etc. Give, give, give to them. DH prefers to be buddies with his 2 sons, not a disciplinarian.
My 2 SS are ungrateful and have a very poor attitude towards both of us, yet expect to have all the benefits of their dad and his money. I believe they only care about what they can “get” out of him. They never have once called to say, hi dad, how are you? The older never replies to texts. They never talk to me, and if I ask a question, I get either a grunt or 1 word reply. They are so immature it is astonishing. For 9 years, they have not acknowledged my birthday, not even a text or FB post (1 refuses to friend me). This past Father’s Day they did nothing for their dad, nor did they do anything for him on his birthday a week before that. Not even a card. But they did just spend $200 on a new gaming console for themselves. This just shows how selfish they are.
Their BM poisoned the boys against my husband, saying he was “hell to live with”…justifying her long adulterous affair which finally resulted in the divorce. The BM was a nightmare to deal with when the boys lived with us 50/50 during their teen years. She got alimony and child support (a large sum of $). But always told the boys she did not get hardly any money from their dad, and to ask their father for anything they wanted. It was so bad the way she treated my DH by bad-mouthing him to his boys, while he never said anything negative about her to them.
My DH says that they can treat us poorly as it is their choice, but that he won’t treat them poorly (by not giving them gifts) in response. He wants to act as if it is “all OK” (ignore it all) and go on like he normally has with gifts/vacations paid for/etc… If I say to DH that they obviously don’t want to exchange gifts, he tells me that I am sending the message to them that I am unhappy, and oh boy my DH does not want them to feel any negativity. Eight years ago when the younger one was 16 and stayed out all night getting drunk, I told him the next day his behavior was “unacceptable” – my DH told me that I was to NOT chastise his son. In other words, keep your mouth shut. So much has happened, with drugs, alcohol, and the younger one in trouble with the law, it just is shocking how my husband still has on his rose-colored glasses and thinks all is well. DH will always take his boys side, no matter what. I find this very disheartening.
The almost 26 year old does not get along with anyone. He is always talking about how stupid other people are to my husband when we’re all in the car, and DH never tells him to stop talking that way about others. I on the other hand work at a large corporation, have a lot of friends, and get along with everyone… but – the kicker is that my husband tells me that I need to learn to get along with people (meaning 2 SS). What? How can this be that he never tells his son to “learn to get along with people”? Yet, I am constantly chastised with how the fact that I don’t get along with his 2 very snotty, selfish, and immature sons is all MY fault. This is a man who has never stood up to his boys for himself, and especially never for me.
Not sure if I can really take this year after year, with my husband ignoring their bad behavior and never holding them accountable for any of it. The whole story is much longer, this is only a short vent on some of the crappy times…
Disengage. You are married
Disengage. You are married to your husband, not his kids.
I'd tell him "Husband, I love you. You and I both know that there is tension between me and your kids. I feel like I've really tried to get to know them, but I don't feel that they want to get to know me. That's okay; that's their choice. So I'm going to let you spend time with them and do my own thing from now on. I'm not going to make you feel guilty about spending time with your kids and I'll entertain myself. I just want to let you know about my choice."
Then do it. Stop worrying about his kids and only put effort into your marriage. If your husband frets about your choice, stay on message: you are backing off to let him spend quality time with his kids. He may try to engage you in an argument, don't bite.
And once you disengage, a funny thing will happen. Without you there to blame for the dynamic, your husband will be forced to take a good long look at his sons' behavior and see them for who they really are.
"And once you disengage, a
"And once you disengage, a funny thing will happen. Without you there to blame for the dynamic, your husband will be forced to take a good long look at his sons' behavior and see them for who they really are." SOOO true! Believe me - the SS will continue their entitled, obnoxious behavior. You will not be available to be a scapegoat. It might be a bit hard at first. You've been doing DH's job for 9 years. DH may revolt in the begging because he really doesn't want to take responsibility for a situation he has created. If he brings up the SSs, just say, "Hmm", do not reply. Stand firm, and eventually he will have to accept your disengaging from his sons.
Thanks for your comments! I
Thanks for your comments! I have not heard about this "disengaging" thing, but it sounds great. I feel validated that I am not the "horrible person" my husband thinks I am. So tired of taking ALL of the blame for the dysfunction. I hope that DH will take a good hard look at how his 2 sons treat him, and me. Glad to be on this steptalk website. Looks like I have a lot in common with some other stepmoms dealing with Adult Stepkids. Some hope...
Below is a link to a article
Below is a link to a article on disengaging. Geared towards minor step-children I'm sure you can glean out what you need to do.
Personally I would refuse to be in their presence. Never travel with them, never go out to eat, never be around the home when they're invited over and if your husbands insists they spend a lot of time in the home make life miserable for him.
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
In other words your DH wants
In other words your DH wants you to become a doormat like him...
The great enable...Passive behavior at it's finest. Not only is it bad enough that he hasn't drawn healthy boundaries for his children...but now hewants you to engage in their toxic culture and become a matching doormat too...Just wonderful...I think not..
You have to fight for your own self respect...His expectations are not realistic...My e adult step kids are so toxic now that I had to thoroughly disengage with 2 of them and the third is burning his bridges by being loyal to the disfunction's that exist from their broken family. Your Dh probably doesn't see his life patterns as being wrong because he has been practicing them for so long...Ahhh yes the peacemaker...is all well and good, but when it transforms into the enabler of narcissistic behaviors and pure selfishness...and the rest of society has to serve them or they are disqualified from the family...You have to ask yourself...Do you really want to be engaged with this unhealthy culture?...Where is your self respect..trust me if you don't respect you and draw healthy boundaries..they never will...Your example of what healthy relationships look like may be your DH's saving grace...
there might be a chance that he will see the light by watching your response to all the madness...He's only doing what he has been conditioned to ...which developed from within this unhealthy environment to begin with...we all have to remember THEY are the ones that cultivated this and tolerate it to begin with...and are probably struggling with their own undealt with baggage...Their expectation of us to mold ourselves into their way of thinking as normal is a bit manipulative if you ask me...Conform to our way of thinking no matter how delusional it is or remain outside the family circle...I'll pass on this one thank you...Don't compromise yourself...and do not let anyone I mean ANYONE speak into your identity less than who God says he created you to be...That is not their position...do not relinquish that part of yourself to anyone...People will rob you of your God Given identity if you let them...and step kids are the worst at doing this...right next to them is your DH....He expect you to do what he does because he doesn't see what is wrong with his way of thinking...nor does he see the damage he is creating for his own children to have to overcome later in life....
You can't fix it if you can't see it...They have no idea how delusional the environment is that they are marinated in... all you can do is pray that somehow, eventually... they get free from it in their lifetime...but life is too short to sacrifice yourself for in the end...absolutely nothing.
Ya - agree with all that!
Ya - agree with all that! Last few years, I buy the SS's gifts since I will get them something practical/useful...and not very expensive. If I let DH get them birthday gifts he would spend $300-400 on them (literally!) on techie equipment, new cell phone, etc...and then I'd blow my top. I feel that giving them expensive gifts is a reward for all their bad behavior, so I try to curtail it as much as possible!...right or wrong, I may have to figure something new out. No gift is not an option for my husband, as he wants to show his "love" for them. We only see them if they're getting something, and believe me, I know they are aware that they are getting less than before! Yes, these are the adults SS of mine that do absolutely nothing for their own dad...and of course I am invisible and not really a part of the family... I could just go on and on, but I'll spare you the "negative spewing" as my DH calls it. Thanks for the input!!!!
My sanity in the last few
My sanity in the last few months has been saved by viewing my SS22 as my DH's expensive "hobby". I'm more selfish than SA, if I see a big spend on Skids then I don't feel guilty about big spends on myself (I earn the more in the relationship anyways). But if you think of the sons as an obsessive hobby which is done solo, it then distances you emotionally and you don't get worn down. That plus, of course, never meeting them unless in a situation that suits you.