Tried disengaging but DH doesn't want to parent
This is a venting post...
Last week I posted about the issues I had with my SDs 8&12. They are living with us for the summer and I am feeling helpless, tired and depressed in my own home. I wanted to try disengaging but it doesn't help because my DH won't parent them!
A few incidents that have occurred that have put me on edge...
I bought a new car, SD8 tore a bunch of sequins off her pants, shredded them and threw them all over the floor of my car. When I discovered she of course denied and my husband said I had to drop it. Then he gave me a lecture about how I should not call the kids out when they lie. WTF? I saw her do it
We went over to an acquaintance's house for a a cook out. The kids went inside to play on the Wii with their children. SD8 started screaming at one of the children for making her loose and demanding she go first. My DH sat there an said nothing. When I was young you were supposed to act nicely when over someone's house not scream at them and be demanding.
SD8 left poop all over the toilet seat tonight and didn't bother cleaning it up. I had to stand over her to make sure she cleaned it up. Seriously how the hell do you not notice that? I flipped out but my DH was "too busy" working to deal with it. When he finally got up all he said to her was "you're not in trouble." She hugs him and gives me the most awful "I get away with everything smile."
SD12 can never answer anything I ask of her without an attitude. She refuses to do anything, watches TV in my room all day when I am at work and throws trash everywhere. She never has time to do chores but can sit on her ass on the computer for 8 hours.
SD12 will go out to eat with us, argue with me about that needs something off the adult menu. I don't want her to do that because she never finishes things. Well lucky me, she ordered sliders and could barely eat one never mind the 3 on the plate. She then went behind my back and complained to DH that I wouldn't allow her to get ice cream because of it. He complained to me about it but then told her no when I said he could pay for it then.
Both of the kids are supposed to put their clothes away in a basket I give them. I waited 5 days to get my basket back, then finally got sick of waiting dumped the clothes on the floor. My DH got mad at me because I dumped the clothes on the floor. Seriously??? Your lazy brats have left them there for days!
DH will joke around and pick on me, then the kids jump in and insult me for hours. If I get mad and express my distaste for being insulted by his rotten brats, he tells me I need to lighten up.
All 3 of them are slobs, they leave dirty dishes and clothes everywhere, they won't clean up and our house mates get mad and complain about the mess, I give in and clean everything up.
I can't do this much longer, if I totally disengage, the house will be a terrible mess and the kids will embarrass me at people's houses with their awful behavior.
Am I wrong for wanting a semi clean house, respect and my things respected?
You are still half in !!! You
You are still half in !!! You gotta go full gusto or nothing will change. I'd make plans w a girlfriend after work for days .....
Your ostrich needs to get his head out of the sand n be a Dad not a friend.
I'd do shit for those kids ~~ let them realize they need you way before they need you.
The above commentators have
The above commentators have covered it well, you're not disengaged and yes it will take a mess, maybe a disaster in the house before he notices. Next time crap is on the toilet seat you take a bucket into the garage until he notices and gets it cleaned up.
You do NOTHING under these circumstances. Not even look or speak to them, you don't cook, make your own meals and wash you hands of the mess in the kitchen. If it gets bad enough make a sandwich and take it to the living room.
And yes he is a bully.
He may deliberately leave all of this mess untouched expecting you to break. You must not. But when it gets to that point you have proven that you're nothing to him but a maid, sex provider, chauffeur and cook. Many a man has married just to get those services not having much of a feeling for the woman. Of course at that point its time to leave rather than break.
If the decision comes on suddenly just go to a motel/motel until you can find your own apartment and don't once look back. Frankly I expect he'll let it get to that point so be prepared.
Everyone is right!!! And no
Everyone is right!!! And no sex! I don't get why he would be okay with seeing you go through this... I recommend counseling. It's been changing my marriage and whole outlook on life. We are presenting a united front to the kids more, sometimes we mess up and don't so I will vent about it on here but generally we do, which really helps sooo much.
Take their dirty laundry put it all over his bed and go sleep on the couch. I know you need to keep a nice house for everyone else but tell them the situation and tell them that those are his kids so if they have a problem then they need to speak with your DH. You will be picking up after yourself however.
your husband is not a nice
your husband is not a nice man.
its one thing for a man to not back you up or even go behind your back with his kids. but to actively engage on picking on you/demeaning you IN FRONT OF THEM? He should even pick on you or demean you in private. but to do this in front of them, and encourage them to do the same?
id leave.
Last straw got drawn this
Last straw got drawn this morning. I told DH that I didn't want the kids on my bed because the older one hasn't showered in a week and the other one pees all over everything because she is too lazy to get off of her butt and use the toilet. All I got in response was how dare I even suggest that! Whatever, I'll sleep on the couch and he can sleep on the pee and pre teen body odor bed.
I seriously would refuse to
I seriously would refuse to live with people like that. I think a nice cruise on the riviera is what the doctor ordered honey. Seriously, though....I'd take a vacation from that place. Who could relax in total chaos. He wants his kids for the summer, and lets them get away with murder, you don't have to be a part of it. If you're having trouble disengaging within the home, go somewhere else. It seems like none of them care if you're there or not anyway.
You are not disengaged. You
You are not disengaged. You have to quit doing anything for them and, most importantly but the hardest part, quit CARING. They are not your monkeys. If their dad wants to turn them into immature bullies, like himself, that's on HIM.
However, once you DO completely disengage, I have a feeling that you are going to find that you wished you could disengage from your own DH. He is an asshole who has no respect for you. I doubt if that will change even IF he managed to find his parenting skills and start parenting his heathens.
You house, your car, YOUR
You house, your car, YOUR BED.
Kick them the fuck out already.
LOL is that my SD living with
LOL is that my SD living with you??? Also, don't feel bad I go through the "So you're calling my daughter a liar?" guilt trip (even though I'm telling him exactly what happened) and the trying to address an issue but all she has to do is start the waterworks and all of a sudden daddy isn't mad and she isn't in trouble EVEN WHEN SHE SHOULD BE...pretty much daily events around my home. Also, the mess from both him and his child just gets unbearable, I figured if I just left it they would start cleaning up after themselves but NOPE, apparently everyone thinks this home cleans itself and now I've let it get so bad I feel drenched in clutter and mess, I haven't even bothered getting out of bed lately. A dirty home makes me so depressed. I don't want to look at it. I certainly don't want to attempt cleaning it when I know I'll just be going in constant circles cleaning the same damn thing all day. I just give up.