Thanks for all your help, I told my husband off
I appreciate everybody taking the time to share your advice, it really helped. My mom and sisters think I'm crazy for making a big deal about any of this but I think I'm right. My husband should not have intimate communication with his exwife. I told him that. I also suggested that he send her a note back to her rude not to me, thank you to whoever suggested that! He said that would just set her off and he wouldn't do it. So i told him that either he get the ball rolling with adoption (I had a hysterectomy and cannot have children) or I'm going back to work. I love SD but I'm not going to spend my days raising her while my husband and his exwife do whatever it is they're doing. My husband got really pissed, it was the angriest I've ever seen him. He told me it's not an either or situation and that I agreed to take care of SD when I married him and to make her my own. He said he doesn't want to adopt, which was news to me because we've always talked about it and he said it was just a matter of finding the right time. He knows I can't have children and how sad that makes me and when I brought that up he said I'm lucky to have found a man like him with a child that I can raise. That's the way he sees it, that I'm lucky that BM is out of the picture when it comes to taking care of SD because then I can raise her. I told him that i used to feel that way but I don't anymore. He asked me what changed and i said his relationship with his ex. He said it's only for a while because she's scared about the cancer. I said stage 0 cancer is not a reason to get intimate with your ex, nothing is really. He got angry again and said his favorite thing which is that I'm too young to understand. I said I'm not too young and I understand things perfectly fine. I told him that I wanted to go back to work and he said why since we don't need the money. I told him I need my own life. I also told him that his saying that we're not going to adopt if that's really how he feels it might be a deal breaker for me. THat's not what I thought we were doing. I want a child of my own as much as I love SD. He was very cold which is even scarier than his anger and he said "just do whatever you need to do." That was last night and my husband didn't speak to me this morning before he left for work. So now I'm at the library. SD is in daycare, BM is on vacation with her boyfriend. I'm working on my resume and trying to figure out what i'm going to do. My mom thinks I'm crazy, she said I've made a big deal out of nothing and that I'm lucky to find a man like my husband who's okay with a woman who can't have children. That really hurt me because part of me thinks that's true. The weird thing is that I think this has been going on all along between my husband and his ex and I just didn't see it. It wasn't until she was mean to me on Mother's Day that I started paying attention because I was trying to be nice and she was so rude. I also think it's weird that she has her daughter only a few days a month. I would never do that! But right now I don't care about her I just want to get out of the house and figure things out. I can't believe this is happening.
NOOOO! It's NOT okay. This
NOOOO! It's NOT okay. This is the first I've read about this story, but it's NEVER okay for a man to put his ex-wife's feelings over yours. It's NOT okay that he doesn't consider your feelings about wanting a child and thinks HIS child is enough. So much of your post made me want to yell NOOOOO... HELL NO!
You should KNOW already that
You should KNOW already that you are a catch, and that your mom is twisted to run you down for not being able to have kids. If you are not 100% sure you're a great catch, get into some kind of counselling to work on your self esteem. With a mom saying things like that to you, it'd be a wonder you didn't run yourself down.
If you went into your marriage with the agreement to adopt a child, then absolutely could your husband's reneging on this promise be a deal-breaker. For sure if he's unkind to you about it.
No, SD is NOT your child, and you don't 'replace' her mother.
If this is not typical for your husband, figure out how to get his attention and tell him that he's not cherishing your or your love for each other. I hope he responds positively.
Good luck. And I'm sure you'll find some kind of work soon!
he said I'm lucky to have
he said I'm lucky to have found a man like him with a child that I can raise
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I gagged a little over this. And your mom is a little nuts too.
Sorry and stay strong.
Deal breaker, indeed!! When
Deal breaker, indeed!! When my XH proposed, he already had a son from a previous marriage. I told him that I would only consider marriage if having a child was part of the marriage. He agreed. After many years of failed attempts, fertility treatments and so on, I found I was unable to get pregnant. During one of his drunken bouts, XH admitted he was thankful I couldn't get pregnant. Why? Because if I did, it would be A MISTAKE he'd have to live with. I was absolutely devastated.
Aw, thank you! Oh yes,
Aw, thank you! Oh yes, alcohol lowers the inhibitions and lets it ALL hang out. It was really heartbreaking at the time. Basically, he told me what I wanted to hear to reel me in. And while his son was a wonderful SS (we still keep in touch; he's grown with wife and toddler!), I truly wanted to be a bio-mom. Have to say, my first skid totally ruined me for step-motherhood!
"My mom thinks I'm crazy, she
"My mom thinks I'm crazy, she said I've made a big deal out of nothing and that I'm lucky to find a man like my husband who's okay with a woman who can't have children."
Well, I think I know who set you up to accept being treated miserably by someone who is supposed to respect and cherish you. Dear old Mom!
Please stop confiding in your mother. Someone who tears you down like she does isn't someone who needs more opportunities to tear you down. She isn't a safe person.
I'm really happy for you that you're working on your resume. I want you to knock 'em dead and gain some independence from this incredibly soul crushing situation.
Please know that no matter what happens with your husband, this wasn't going to stop until you said something. He very much wanted this scenario - two women, both massaging his ego, one young and controllable, and one older who wants him back. This was a good time for him and his fragile ego because of all the attention and longing he was raking in.
We'll see what happens. You have yet to see about the adoption thing; your husband may have been trying to hurt you by saying adoption was off the table. You don't know if that's how he really feels or if he was trying to punish you for speaking up for yourself. (And of course punishing you isn't cool, but I'm just saying you don't know if he really feels that way.)
Your husband will shape up to meet your needs or he won't. If he won't, know that he selected someone like you - young and trusting - so that he could control you. The fact that he is discouraging you from working so you can raise his child with another woman means that he doesn't want you to have any independence. He wants you to only have you to lean on. So I worry that he selected you for your subservience, because that is what is convenient for him. Standing up for yourself and what you deserve does not align with the meek wife he may have wanted for himself. So if things fall apart, know that he didn't love you for you. He loved you for what you could do for him. If that's the case, good riddance!
Keep bettering yourself and keep working on that resume. YOU deserve better than how you are being treated. You deserve to be with a man who places you first in his life, and recognizes that an ex is as an ex for a reason. You are not less valuable because you can't have biological kids. Don't believe that for a second.
You are going to find happiness. It may be with your husband, but he needs to snap back into reality and realize who he is married to. If he doesn't, you can do so much better with someone else.
Sounds like the 'ol bait &
Sounds like the 'ol bait & switch, to me.
He told you what you wanted to hear because he needed you to raise his child. He figured you are young enough that he can control you and since you don't work, you have no money or life of your own and he can control you that way, also.
He's more concerned about BM and her feelings than he is about yours.
He sounds like a controlling, selfish ass to me.
Thanks everybody. My husband
Thanks everybody. My husband just sent me an email which is weird because he's never done that before. He said I'm being selfish because he's going through alot right now with BM. That seems crazy to me. He said that he may want to adopt just not right now and he's not sure when. He said that he just said that out of anger. He said that it's important for SD to have me in her life, that I'm her "real mom" and that he doesn't think it's good for SD for me to work. Maybe when she's older, he said. He knows how much I love my stepdaughter. The thought of leaving her breaks my heart. I don't know what would happen to her! My husband works all the time and her mom isn't around. I guess my husband knows that's how to reel me back in. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I posted my resume to monster.com and sent it around to a few places I worked at after I graduated college. I keep coming back to the fact that if DH wasn't having this inappropriate connection with BM everything would be okay. I acutally like staying home and taking care of SD! But I don't want to be taken advantage of and I do want my own child someday and I do love my husband. I'm not a fan of giving ultimatums but maybe I should give him an ultimatum, BM or me. If she were out of the picture i'd be happy!
See, this bothers me. On the
See, this bothers me.
On the one hand: he's going through alot right now with BM
On the other hand: that I'm her [SD's] "real mom"
So SD should have zero contact/relationship with BM because you 'replace' her for SD.
But HE has an ongoing, serious-enough relationship with BM that includes 'going through alot.'
What???
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.nl/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-...
I worry about this too. The
I worry about this too. The child already has a mother, the OP is NOT the child's mother.
The husband/father is being an asshole even implying that. And it's not fair on anyone to just try and replace his ex with is new wife as the mother of the child. And to add a fucked up twist he still wants a relationship with the ex - who he is trying to replace!
He's still playing you. You
He's still playing you. You are being used.
"He said I'm being selfish
"He said I'm being selfish because he's going through alot right now with BM."
WHAT?!
Going through anything with BM is voluntary.
And! And! He's flat out telling you that he doesn't have the energy to deal with your feelings and needs because he's directing so much energy toward BM. He is prioritizing his ex-wife above his actual wife. And he sees NO PROBLEM WITH THAT.
YOu've had a hysterectomy in
YOu've had a hysterectomy in one post then you "want your own child some day" in another? I don't get it. If you are for real and want to adopt, I would strongly urge you to think of setting up a new relationship and adopting within that. To adopt a child whose parents as you describe them so obviously feel total ownership of her, just is not a realistic goal, legally, morally or emotionally.
Hi Poodle, when OP said she
Hi Poodle, when OP said she wants her own child she was talking about adoption - adopting a child for her and DH.
I'm not sure of that but even
I'm not sure of that but even if that were correct, helping him raise his and BM's child when the mother is said to be this ill/difficult and then adopting another one with him? Won't work, the relationships are too destructive here. No reputable adoption agency would agree to it once the family had been assessed.
BM or not. This is NOT ok.
BM or not. This is NOT ok. Not not not not not ok!!!!!
He is controlling you. Recognise the signs.
He's using his daughter as a weapon. Usually birth parents do this against each other, but he's doing it against you! Un-fucking-believable.
If she as out of the picture you would likely still be miserable. Seriously. It's not her, it's him.
What will you do when you're 35 and your SD is all grown up and leaving. Where will you be. Where will your career be? If your husband dies and you have no SD and no income where will you be? If your SD wants to go live with mum where will you be?
What do you have in your life that is yours?
BM doesn't like you, she could PAS that kid as it grows. Then where will you be? With a SD that hates you! Then your husband will blame you, one million bucks says he would blame YOU.
Trust me when I say there is only so much give give give you can do.
I'll be watching your story unfold. We will always be here for advice. Please listen.
Familiarise your self with the actions and signs of spouse abuse and control. It's not all physical ok. And it'll get worse. Be safe and act early.
Ooohhh Echo, can I come
Ooohhh Echo, can I come with?
What the??? Did we slip back into the 1950s while I wasn't looking.
There are plenty (millions!!!) Of women who don't have children, we are not second class citizens!
We all deal with that in different ways, some mourn the fact, some embrace it, some do it by choice, but it DOES NOT mean you have to be grateful that someone has imposed their life choices on you, or be someone's back up plan!!!!
Her mum will be one of Those
Her mum will be one of Those "made your bed lie in it" ladies. My nana was like that
My mum was shamed when she divorce, it brought shame on her and the family - well to my nana. Nobody else cared
She believes children should be not seen and not heard and beaten if otherwise
She also believes you're not a proper woman if you have no kids, work outside the home etc and have dinner every night.
If your husband cheats is because you've done something wrong....
Maybe her mum is my nana?
Your post raises red flags.
Your post raises red flags. He's controlling you
- no job or financial independence
- you can have a child by adoption only when I say so
- you're too young to understand anything, stfu or daddy will ground you
- stay home and be my nanny
Do you get it? You're basically the au pair that puts out. Not a nanny, as that's a career and it pays. You're the hot young live I child minor with sexual benefits?
You ARE young! But in a way that means you have years ahead of you to find the right guy, to build yiure career, to explore the world. You're not young as In Having the mental capacity of a 5 year old.
Get out! Go love your life. You get only one chance to do this. Don't waste it. No regrets eh?
I just watched, "What Maisie
I just watched, "What Maisie Knew" - 2012 film with Julianne Moore, and the nice character in it - Margot - reminded me a little of your situation for some reason. If you fancy a distraction from the boards here, could maybe watch it if you get a chance. Plus for anyone else who hasn't seen it, Julianne Moore takes on the role of crazy BM brilliantly.