Unfortunately the ultimatum may be the only motivator to get DH to the counselor. I hope a direct request will work for you but if not ...... Value Place is a good temporary living arrangement worth considering.

Good luck.

I agree with StepAside. I wouldn't move out to get DH's attention. I would move out if I knew there was no way I was ever coming back. This could get his attention but if you have any possibilitilty of moving back in, I wouldn't risk it for it could backfire. I do agree with your dh going to an appointment separately so she can talk with him and I hope he goes. Just tell your dh that the therapist wants to see him alone, like you went alone, so your dh's side could be heard w/out you there.

In the meantime, can you separate your finances so you don't have to contribute one red cent to this craziness?

Does your DH know you saw the counselor? If not, tell him. And tell him ALL the details of your discussion. And I wouldn't hesitate to show enthusiasm about a possible solution to this thing that is driving you crazy. And that she would like to meet with him, too, to help you both find a way to remedy the situation. If he won't meet with her, you know he is not really willing to do the work necessary to find a solution to his failure to launch kids. And that would be intolerable for me.

While I agree that leaving is a drastic choice, I would do it if I had tried everything else. But at that point I would be willing to end the marriage if DH still wasn't willing to address the issue.

I don't like that she told you to move out to get his attention. That's manipulative. If you're going to move out, plan on keeping on moving because that's what could happen. He may very well be glad that the tension is gone and be ready for a divorce. If you're going to pack yourself up, be VERY prepared for it to be permanent. If it does move him to action, great, but don't use it as a tool to get him to do it because it very well may backfire.

Interestingly, I happen to have noticed that recently on this site a number of very wise posters have been counseling spouses to move out as a make-or-break statement, saying that most of the time the offending spouse will realize where their values lie and improve their behavior. The advice I've seen given was not really that the OP try to manipulate because, as posters here too have said, you can only take that step if you yourself are prepared to face the consequence that your departure may be welcome. I'm at an earlier stage of the game than you in the sense that I still have young kids in the home and can't do that to them (short of getting a large amount of funds from nowhere such that I could buy DH out of our home and ask him to leave, or buy elsewhere, or whatever). But looking into the future I could well imagine a life where our own chicks had flown the nest but the skids were regularly dumping on us, moving in on us and so forth and the codependency began afresh. At that point I would definitely move out not as a tactic but a last resort, and in my case it would work as such because I'm very certain that heartbroken as DH might be, he'd actually prefer a lifestyle with the skids than the one with me and all my perceived criticisms. RFF, I imagine you may know which way your own DH might jump. I'd most certainly not do that at this stage but wait until a good chunk of therapy is under your respective belts. I do agree with Echo that you have poisoned the well, what a shame! That counselor should have warned you against such. She's set up a "conflict of interests" impression now and I too feel it is possibly irremediable. It was already the case that your DH would have suspected that you would have ganged up with a female therapist against him in advance, that's a natural male suspicion, and unfortunately in this case it is objectively true. You won't be able to deny it even though the "ganging" was entirely innocent. How about this idea? YOu treat this one piece of therapy with her as yours and yours alone, and you ask her for the name of a good colleague whom she would recommend you and DH to go to as a pair. You then are able to honestly present the next session to DH as a completely unmarked fresh page in your lives.

Be honest. Tell him you want to fix this and see this therapist. Don't move out unless you intend to stay out, he could call your bluff!
Tell him that you need to see him make an Effort to fix this home, family and marriage. What is your BATNA (Google it)?
This should matter to him. He WILL get defensive, accept that response. But this should matter to him. If not, then, well. Maybe you have different priorities and maybe weren't meant to be.