The emotional damage done by affairs is like a mauling on the psyche. My ex cheated when I was pregnant with my second. Our daughter was 8.

She learned from watching her father even the person closest to you can be capable of utterly destroying your family, economic security, trust and happiness just for a little romp.

I can completely understand this girl and I think its gross so many mock her pain
My daughter is 17, she STILL goes to a psychologist and has trust issues. Its not because I, as her mother, groomed her to feel so bad either. I'm the one that held her together the last decade as her father slept with every where bag in town

This. Is. PERFECT! I wish you could submit it as an alternate answer for real!!!

I love how people try to deflect blame from the cheater to the person cheated on. The mother's reaction to this so many years later isn't healthy. But this guy still made the choice to cheat.

As individuals we all have different tolerance levels for everything, including cheating. My ex left me for a woman at work. He took all of the savings out of the bank and left me penniless with two children to feed. I could go on and on about how nasty the divorce was. Until I could get a job, I babysat for food on the table. I did not get any support from him for several years until the state went after him.

It took a while to get over it both financially and emotionally, but eventually I found out how lucky I was to get rid of the slime ball. He actually taught me many valuable lessons. I learned to be self-sufficient, to bargain for wood to heat the house, to build and repair things myself, to do what you have to so your children are warm and fed, that you become resilient in order to survive and thrive.

It is impossible to determine the extent of shock the daughter must have felt when she caught her Dad cheating. The OP does not go into detail about what she actually witnessed. But I strongly believe that her mother's refusal to let go and get on with her life, and her father's long-lasting lack of caring continued to reinforce her feelings of betrayal by her father - like brain washing. Yes, it's pretty sick.

At least the OP shows some willingness to work things out with her father. And I am glad that she is happy in her life, that she did not stagnate in hate and negativity as her mother did. It's nice to see there is hope.

You pointed out that "a lot of skids don't do that when there's no cheating involved." This only confirms how ridiculous and how unjustifiable their actions are at times, how some little thing is inflated or exaggerated or imagined to keep the hate alive and burning.

I tend to agree, especially when a woman knowingly goes after a married man. To those women, it's all ego. She is the better lover, she is prettier, more successful, less inhibited....whatever. It's like Mistresses build this super fantasy about how this poor man is so deprived and the wife is some ice queen so she deserves to be cheated on and the Mistress is the better woman in the end because she can give him what he NEEDS.....

Ahem. I have been cheated on multiple times. I have never cheated on anyone or have knowingly been the other woman ever.

I absolutely abhor women who do not respect another woman's marriage/relationship.

And no, I'm not leaving the cheater husbands out of this, they are selfish, inhumane, disgusting pieces of shit too.

I do agree with you about cheating, it's absolutely devastating for everyone else but the happy couple. My DH's ex thought that God wanted her to "be happy". Apparently her theology didn't include anyone else's happiness.

I had a longer post before regarding my own experience with adultery. I erased because it was such a painful chapter in my life. My mom and dad were both very unfaithful. That and everything else made it an awful way to grow up. My mom had a 60's attitude where "growups" cheat. She was a narcissist (textbook)and there was no convincing her. Most serial cheaters seem to care about their dogs (literally) much more than the women (or men) and children whose lives they are devastating.

As I've grown into my 40's and seen several marriages break up because of adultery, I've noticed a trend. The people who are very cavalier about putting their kids through the pain of adultery, had parents whose marriages remained intact. I've often wondered how they would act if they'd been through what they were putting their kids through.

Bottom line is they are willing to make a trade.. their unhappiness in their marriage for the happiness of their kids and spouse. It's selfish and it's a mistake.

I get the temptation to cheat, I really do. I was single for a long time and considered pretty attractive in my youth. Opportunities with married men presented themselves often. I believe in the Christian teaching that it all starts in your head (emotional adultery is a betrayal too) and so I'd force myself to think "that's so and so's husband and so and so's dad" when I'd see the guy, instead of "Larry". I'm not saying that to demonstrate my moral superiority, I've messed up plenty. I'm saying that because I get how incredibly tempting it can be when you work with someone day after day who is very attractive and is attracted to you. But.. it's wrong. If I committed adultery it would have been a huge failing that devastated many lives. Justifying it by saying it wasn't a mistake is B.S. It would cost everyone dearly, me the least of course.

Now that I have a son, I can't imagine doing that to him. We are his world. Breaking it up and going with other people would just kill him. A part of him would die inside and it could never be reversed. Then future relationship would be awkward and problematic with mom being with SD and dad being with SM. This website is proof enough of that.

So, I agree. Call a spade a spade. We're all in need of forgiveness but let's not minimize the devastation adultery brings to so many lives.

You are a very wise woman, StepAside and I agree with you completely. Cheating spouses put themselves entirely first and don't care about how it effects others. My ex cheated on me and I see how it's effected my adult daughters. They, to this day, don't believe he cheated because I'm sure he TOLD them so (I know better), but it doesn't matter to them. He convinced them that he was SO unhappy in our marriage and, since you only live once, you should end it and start over. Opposite of what I told my daughters...that I never would have divorced their father and kept our family together. I never would have put them through the pain of seeing their family destroyed due to my own unhappiness and spent the rest of their lives having to choose which parent to spend holidays with, etc...

I was raised "family first" and they know this, but agree with their father and not with me. My parents have remained committed to their family and marriage for 58 years and I commend them. They certainly have had their problems, but as my father told me during my divorce that HE wasn't always happy in their marriage, but he ALWAYS put us kids and our mother first and I know my mother did the same. And this is only ONE reason I will truly honor my father this Father's Day. He is a man of committment and has honored his vows his entire life (he is now 79) and put himself AFTER his family. It seems not many men today have those values. What a shame. I remember Bill O'Reilly talking once about the woes of our society today and one of the main reasons was (and I totally agree)was the destruction of the family. It's a shame noone believes in marriage and committment anymore and the kids are caught in the crossfire.

Excellent article! Thanks for sharing that.

It WAS a very interesting article. I will never fully understand the workings of the male mind and can not understand why they feel they can speak more easily to a coworker or family friend than they can to their wife. Years ago DH and I were on the verge of divorce. I had experiences with DH where I heard that he was crying on someone's shoulder how he was thinking of leaving the marriage, while he never said a word to me. To others he whined that I just didn't understand him but he failed to attempt communication with me, and refused to go to counseling.

It seems as though a man who cheats is STILL placing himself first before wife and family. It's still a no-win situation for the wife and children. It is just as much the husband's responsibility to maintain a level of communication with his wife as it is for the wife to be open and honest with him. So many times I've heard that many women expect their husbands to be a mind reader when in reality it seems the opposite is true.

Even if your mom had been hurt and you stood by her, I get that too. It seems people think it's fine to judge a daughter that stands by her mom but not judge the dad who cheated on mom. Hypocritical IMO.

Mom made a vow likely in her youth trusting her husband to keep his. She can't go back in time and find a good partner because he lied. He caused mom loads of pain. In my mind betraying one's mom (or dad if he's innocent) is a pretty good reason to be angry despite the spirit of the age that says "if it didn't happen to me, it's all good."

Hey I don't think the reaction that some of us have been describing is spite or resentment. It just is as it is for us. I personally was merely reminiscing about how revolting it was as a young child to watch and listen to my father's constant expressions of lust toward women -- including some of my friends. This guy was so bad that he even, when visiting my older brother who had had a road accident and was in a seriously ill state in hospital, propositioned my brother's wife at his bedside. Fortunately however it did not cause me to have a spiteful attitude to my father -- I simply despised him and kept my own moral values intact. I have never dwelt on my memories of him nor have they shaped my life for the 30 years I haven't seen him; but had he made an approach in recent times, I would have visited just out of curiosity. He died a couple weeks ago; his current wife told one of my brothers to pass the news to the rest of us: none of us feels bitterness or spite toward her, in fact we are quite pitying of her when we think about either of them at all.

SA,

My bride and I will celebrate our 20th next month. My mom and dad had their 52nd last week, my brother and SIL had their 20th 6mos ago. My ILs will have their 39th this year.

I had a previous marriage and my XW was the sperm depository for countless men during our marriage and continues to be more than 24 years after our divorce. That betrayal took me 4+ years to recover from. Fortunately I did not spawn with my XW so I was able to leave her far in my rear view mirror.

Cheating is about a characterless morally bankrupt person of no character (maybe 2 depending on if the mistress/boy toy is aware of the marriage) and not about a mistake.

I agree with your stance on this topic. Entirely.

Best regards,

Beautifully said! You will love "All That Heaven Allows" old Rock Hudson film about the selfishness of kids when it comes to their parents moving on and finding happiness.

My story is so similar. Husband wears the black hat, unjustifiably. Ex changed the facts and realities of her own behavior to play the martyr. She got the house and all the assets, and yep, she lost them all too. One kid buys the victim tale, and she indulges his every whim, but the other one who sees what really happened and discusses it is disfavored.

Mine will speak no evil either even to stand up for himself. I bite my tongue as it is his decision.

Time will tell if they see anything other than what they wish. You must be very patient and kind. He is most fortunate!

I disagree that it is only the spouse that is betrayed by adultery. Adultery betrays the children too. It also betrays the parents of the adulterer and the siblings of the adulterer.

Forgiveness while certainly a desirable goal can only be earned IMHO. If daddy has not earned forgiveness by his behavior then there can be no forgiveness.

IMHO of course.