Prom & graduation pictures
So I posted a new forum question this morning, but for some reason it didn't post, so I'll put it here for now... I had the same question! Last night during prom pictures, I was taking a picture of DH and SD when SD pulled in her BM for the picture. I had no choice but to stand there and take the picture, and then deleted it right away after. But, her boyfriends parents, whom I just met, took the picture too so I am sure SD will get a picture of it.
Let me say... I've been with her father since she was just turning three years old. My husband and I have two biological children of our own, ages 8 & 10, and SD lives with us b/c her and her step father don't get along. They are both to blame for that relationship, she at one time told him she hated him and would never love him, after living under his roof and going on vacations he paid for for ten years. Very selfish of her.
Anyway, I was totally blindsided by this picture and very upset. I ended up walking out of the picture session and taking my girls home (DH and I had separate cars). DH doesn't get what the big deal is. The big deal is that I'm sorry for this, but SD has two families. She hss my husband and I with our children and she has her mother and SD and their children. Her family is not her, her mother and my husband. I'm just glad my girls were already at the playground and missed the picture. They would not have understood.
I should mention, that BM has said numerous cruel things about me to SD and also to my face and to DH. She has also insulted my father to SD and myself. This is not a kind woman or anyone that we have a relationship with.
Graduation is coming up next week and I expect SD to try and do this again. I've asked DH to say something to her, but I don't think he gets why I'm so upset. It's like she took any value I have in her life and stomped on it. At least that is how I feel. She has been raised by two families, not one. These two haven't raised her in 15 years. Thoughts please?
But if she only has two
But if she only has two parents, why am I the one always making sure she has everything she needs here, not her father or mother? I'm the one who shops for her birthdays and Christmas. And I'm the one planning her graduation party.
I don't want to own her. I
I don't want to own her. I love her, I've been the best step parent I've known how to be for the past sixteen years. They can distribute it however they see fit, but it will continue to be hurtful. I am sure others took the picture too, and I'm sure she will ask for a copy of it. I do own my house though, and I wont have the picture displayed here. They didn't raise her together. I raised her with my husband, and her mother with her step father at different houses. I only wish she say it. She doesn't though. She still lives in a dream world where she thinks they will still get back together.
Example.... BM once told her that my father was arrested for drug trafficking. NOT TRUE! It's a long long story, but the person who bought my father's bowling alley was the one arrested, not my Dad. Example two: When my SD filled out an application to work at my Dad's new restaurant, a popular franchise in our town, BM ripped the work permit up in SD face. My Dad is 70 years old, and a good man. He was "Business Man of the Year" in our town last year for everything he does for our community. BM is evil. I don't like this woman.
Thanks for your comments. I
Thanks for your comments. I don't expect to be ranked higher than her Mom and Dad, that would be silly. And I know, kids in general can be selfish. But, at least my kids remember the important dates (bday, Christmas, Mother's Day, etc.) and give me back in love 110% what I give them. All I get from SD is disrespect. She burned the bridge with SF, she is burning it here too. Good thing she is almost 18 because she may need somewhere else to live soon. My DH puts me first and understands how I feel. He wont put up with her treating me like sh*t. I don't expect to rank, but I don't expect "in your face" disrespect either. I'm a good step-mom and I've always put her up there with my kids, never left her out with family pictures, vacations, holidays, etc. She gets as much, if not more, than my bios.
Because you choose to. Why do
Because you choose to. Why do you not put Dad's feet to the fire?
Because I do love her, even
Because I do love her, even though she doesn't respect me. And because I thought that was one of my roles as a Step parent, and because I shop better and know what a girl wants more than he does. I've said over and over again, as she hurts me, that I'm going to stop doing it. But then I do feel childish. Like just because she doesn't appreciate what I do for her doesn't mean I shouldn't still do things for her. Am I wrong here? Maybe this is why I've continued to get hurt?
You are making/ made the
You are making/ made the choice to do those things. Your choices allowed mom and dad to sit back and dump their responsibilities onto you.
My son graduated from college last month. His dad and SM habe been together since he was three or four years. His dad and I picture pictures with our son. He also took pictures with just his dad and SM. We did the same at his high school graduation and I'm sure it will occur again o his wedding day.
I didn't have an issue with the pictures with SM and SM didn't have an issue with the pictures with me. The fact that his dad and SM are married does not mean that he shouldn't be able to take pictures with both of his parents.
Nope, not gonna happen here.
Nope, not gonna happen here. Thank God my husband has always been sensitive to this kind of thing and never allowed it to happen. I would be upset, too. These kids need to learn to accept reality and stop living in a dream world where the world revolves around them.
I see your point, and I think
I see your point, and I think I have lived in a dream world. I've tried for sixteen years to be a great step mom to her, and she has never given me any credit, not even a mothers day card. When she told her SD that she didn't love him and never would that she actually hated him, that should tell you how selfish she is. She lived under his roof for ten years, went on his vacations, enjoyed his Christmas presents, and she told him she hates him. I should realize that she doesn't appreciate anything we do for her, and I should stop trying. Stop buying her birthday presents and stop planning her graduation party at my house. You're right.
I've tried including her in my life for years, and she has slapped me every time. And I am surprised every time she doesn't want me. I should just give up the good fight. But, that doesn't mean I am going to take the pictures either. I don't know how I will feel when she gets married. I guess since I've raised her with her father for sixteen years, it is different than if she had these parents together for ten.
Maybe I am being childish. I suppose I will just let the pictures be taken, but they will never go up in my house, it is hurtful and dimishes the role of the SP. If I had a better relationship with her Mom, I would probably feel differently. But her mom has actually told me to %^&* off before when she was the one at fault for something. She deflects. She doesn't even talk to her own mother b/c her own mother says she is a B*&^*.
In a situation like this, I
In a situation like this, I think it depends on the kid's level of maturity. My brother got married when he was about 45, and none of the pictures at the wedding or reception had both my mom and my dad in them. My brother knew that this would probably make my stepmother feel awkward, and he could have a picture of himself with our mom and dad, but separately. I do pictures this way as well.
I know it hurts your feelings and may even make you angry, but I would try and let this one go. You know where you stand and that's all that matters. You don't ever have to look at the pictures, so I would just forget about them.
In my husband's world, the
In my husband's world, the world DOES revolve around me. And mine around his. That's what marriage is. So if it comes down to a choice between making me happy or making her happy, I'm pretty sure he would choose to make me happy.
As far as her wedding pics go, HELL NO, he is still not going to take a big smiling family picture with SD and BM. I don't think she'll even ask. We are setting the precedent now, while she's 12. He doesn't go to events without me, he doesn't take pictures with BM, all those little things that could crop up later, we are nipping in the bud now.
This is the kind of attitude that makes Bridezilla's... this "I don't care how anybody else feels because this is MY day" attitude is a bunch of bullshit. Sorry, not gonna change my mind on this one.
Just know that your sd may
Just know that your sd may well take those pics with you and throw them in the trash as opposed to framing them...
If that were the kind of
If that were the kind of person she was, I wouldn't even want her to have any pictures of me.
Not nice. I'm asking for a
Not nice. I'm asking for a reason. Even though I've been a SP for 16 years, I'm not sure if the things that hurt me should hurt me or if I am being insecure. We are all trying to do our best as SP, the best we know how to be. It's not like I stopped the picture. I'm just wondering if how I feel about it is normal. It sounds like it isn't one way or the other. Thank you for your input.
I totally agree with your
I totally agree with your post above.
Long before we came in the picture as SM ~ there was a father , mother and the kid. Why be so negative ~ we just wanted a picture ~ a stolen moment in time of her parents on her prom. That picture is her memory. I could careless ~ my fiancé n BM did that for daughters sweet 16. And it will probably happen on other milestones ~ why can't the daughter get a pic of mom n dad together.
I get why your upset I think ??? I guess in your eyes it would have been better with separate pictures. Was there a pic of you hubby n her taken ??? To be honest ~ this was her moment not yours.
Then SD may not be mature
Then SD may not be mature enough to be getting married.
But it wasn't a pic of the
But it wasn't a pic of the two parents together! Kid and her Mom! Why could OP not just handed the camera to Dad to take the pic? It had nothing to do with her spouse near his ex, and everything about the KID wanting a pic with her Mom. How terribly mean of her.
Draped all over their
Draped all over their exes????? :?
Each picture my son, his dad and I took had my son I the center. When we went to dinner, son's dad sat between his wife and I. My DF was on my other side.
I swear, when I read posts like this, I'm thankful that my son's SM and my DF are not insecure people.
My parents split when I was
My parents split when I was nine. Dad remarried when I was 20, after four years with my SM.
We took pictures at my 21st. I had a photo with my mum. I had a photo with my mum. I had a photo with my dad. I had a photo with my dad and SM. I had a photo with my mum and dad. I had a photo with my mum, dad and SM. I even had a photo with my mum and SM.
I was very, very lucky. My parents and my SM got along. My mum actually likes my SM more than she likes my dad. My dad did things that she still hasn't forgiven, but she never let my sister and I know. It made my life so much easier, and I'm very grateful.
I understand you loathing SD's BM. I loathe my SD's BM. BM isn't fit to lick SD's boots, let alone be a mother. But in ten years time, when SD graduates, if she wants a photo with her BM and my SO, I'll grit my teeth and bear it. I'll even take the photo. I might even send a copy to BM. If I'm feeling particularly charitable, I'll even do it without making a snarky comment about how BM "could have had all this, if you weren't such a selfish whore."
Because as much as I wish it weren't true, BM is in fact SD's mother.
All I can do is hope that by doing the right thing by SD, she'll want me in a photo or two.
If she doesn't, I'll be crushed. But I'll go by what she wants, and hey, I don't photograph that well, anyway.
Aswang, you got to the heart
Aswang, you got to the heart of it, thank you. If things had been different, I would have had no problem with the picture. But I know this girl, and it was a slight. I actually think she may have talked to BM before and let her know she was going to do it and BM told her to go ahead. I wish they would have talked to DH about it first instead of pulling this crap.
Tiny kitten, you nailed it too. I'm hurt. B/c she didn't ask for a picture with her father and I, she only pulled her mother in the one where her Dad was in it.
Before this all happened, while everyone was taking pictures, I asked SD to pose for some pictures for me. I said I wanted some with my girls, and with her Dad, and some with her boyfriend and her, and a few with her. She said for me to just ask BM for the pictures she took at the house, and walked away. So I guess I was already feeling really put-off, by her hand.
DH and I have talked about it, and we know that the only people in her life that matter are BM and BF. It is a shame that she has taken people that love her, taken what they have given her, and given nothing back. People keep telling me that when she gets older, we will have a better relationship, and she will get how bad she has acted and treated everyone. I'm still waiting.
I thank everyone for their responses. I know this is a heated topic. Guess I will continue to be the big one and let her have her pictures. And still do everything I do for her, and let her continue to crap on me. I just need to grow some thick skin, and love my little 10 & 8 year old girls, knowing they will love me back just as much. I've found step parenting to be a totally thankless job, and it is too bad. But it is what it is. Thanks again all.
Or maybe I will disengage a
Or maybe I will disengage a little. I don't know. I'll let her have her pictures, but it doesn't mean I have to put up with all the other crap and still do stuff for her. But when I tell DH that I'm going to disengage, I always come across as sounding like a big baby. I tell him it is to protect myself from getting hurt. But in the end, two days b/f her birthday, I will end up going out shopping again for her b/c I want the best for her. Ugh!
It did have a lot to do with being blindsided too. DH has always told me he would never stand for a picture like that. So when SD pulled BM into picture I was taking of her and her dad (around a lot of other people), I had no choice but to smile and take the picture. Graduation is next week, and she will want the same. The relationship is so bad that we aren't even inviting BM and step father to our graduation party, and she told her mom that all she wants is a trip to New York, so they aren't having one for her. Plus, step dad stepped up and said it will cost too much. Yes, he may be the smart one here!
Should DH talk to her and find out what her plans are for graduation pictures so we aren't blind sided again?
Thanks Cat. Yeah, sucks.
Thanks Cat. Yeah, sucks.
^^^Absolutely! - THAT is
^^^Absolutely! - THAT is mature thinking!
If she did it at SM's wedding
If she did it at SM's wedding it would be one thing.But it's not. It is the kid's day. The adults need to suck it up.
Hi Mommy of Two, I am sorry
Hi Mommy of Two,
I am sorry you had to deal with this malicious nonsense. Trying to be a good sport, and play along did not pay off, it just made it worse knowing that YOU were the one who had to take that damn picture. What if you refused to participate? You might have turned on your heel as soon as BM was in the picture, and declared, "I am all done here, i need to go check on my girls!" That way they are free to do whatever they want, but you are not in a subservient position of the chronicler of their fake bliss. Which is where your SD put you - walk away from it!
You are hurt because you were ambushed and made to snap a picture that feels like an affront to you. Rightly or wrongly, it negates your family - i get that. You cannot always control what pictures get taken, but you can control your role, and i am sure next time you will. Who is in the pic with whom varies from family to family, and i would venture a guess that in my life, skids' BM and DH would NEVER agree to be in the picture together, and my kids' SM would throw a fit that would echo all the way to Timbuktu if one of my boys suggested *she* take a picture of him, his dad and *me* - Ha! It is funny to even try to imagine it... She would not go along with that - ever! As a BM, i would not be interested in that picture either. My kids' dad and SM do not come to graduations, etc, so we are never in that position. That's one blessing of my life.
Oh my what a hornets nest
Oh my what a hornets nest you've stirred up. As a step-parent you own one of the most thankless volunteer jobs in the world. Don't expect special treatment. Blood is thicker than water. Unfortunately you'll just have to deal with it.
I have to agree with others that the kid didn't do anything wrong and she can have her picture taken with any adult willing to stand with her on her special occasion.
Listen there are people on this Forum that would have everyone start WW III over a step-kid's most minor infraction. Bitter and stuck in their situation they want misery everywhere. Don't let their vitriol mislead you.
I have to run, and want to
I have to run, and want to respond to all of these (so thankful that you guys GET IT!). But had to respond to this one b/f I go... I think I just may do this!!! I found out that BM and SD did plan this ahead of time as an ambush, and that BM was snickering to SD when I walked away, knowing I was upset. So, when SF is there, I may ambush them and tell them I'd like a pic of SD, BM and DH.... SF will throw a fit and it will be sweet revenge. Or, I don't play there little games and be the bigger one. UGH, I hate being the bigger one }:)
Even though I dread the
Even though I dread the moment my DH stands for a little family picture with BM, I know it's totally normal. Awkward, but normal. As for me, I won't be even pretending to take a picture of DH, SS, and BM together. I will be politely standing with the camera in my hand waiting for the next pose. At my kids' graduation parties, my own relatives were putting me and their BF in pictures together. I didn't want anything to do with them. You can almost see the look of disgust on my face, and I wasn't even seriously involved with anyone at the time of the oldest two. I don't think my kids cared a bit about those pictures, either. It's not the family they were raised in.
At my own wedding, we did all the pictures as the photographer called them out. I have a picture of me and DH, along with my BM and BF, who have been divorced for 40 years. They get along ok, so I suppose it doesn't affect them at all. I don't "treasure" that picture, because it just seems like a falsehood to me. It's not like the two of them raised me together. Likewise, the pictures with my mom and SF feel the same way. He married my mom well into my adult life, and we are not close.
Unfortunately, I put this one into the category of "grit your teeth and get through it," because that's about all you can do. Just know it probably doesn't mean much to anyone in the long run, anyway.
I didn't read all the
I didn't read all the responses, but I definitely understand your feelings & I would not want my DH in a picture with SD and BM.
I guess a lot of it depends on SD's intentions too.. did she truly just innocently want a picture with her parents or was she trying to give a big FU to her SM just like she did to her SF, as another poster suggested? Just the fact that she had to come live with you full time because she "didn't get along with" her SF probably means she is a spoiled brat, which 99% of SDs are and she may not have the most innocent of intentions.
*Edited to add- UGH I just saw that you later found out they set you up. Smh. Sorry I can't say I'm surprised. That sounds exactly like something our BM would do. Always trying to start trouble. It would have been hilarious if you could have had your bios in the pic with them haha but ya know what.. live & learn. I would put an end to this NOW. STOP doing things for his kid. She does NOT deserve your attention, affection, time, or money.
Stop being a victim. After
Stop being a victim. After nearly a lifetime of allowing this girl to treat you like crap because you want her to have 'the best' you haven't learned anything. Kindness and politeness is not inherited or acquired by osmosis. She was brought up by her mother. It is BMs little competition for her daughter. She does something half hearted and you want to make things more 'special' for SD so you up the ante. BM and SD sit back because they both got what they wanted with little money spent at all.
So the past is past. Stop feeling hurt because there is nothing you can do to change it. BUT ... you can control what happens in the future without looking spiteful or mean. No more money for SD> No more treats because all you have taught her is 'treat me like crap and I will STILL spend my money on you." I would let her go ahead and book whatever she wants. Promise nothing. She wants her hair done for graduation say "That would be nice..." and let her book some place to do it. Then be 'AWOL' for a while. Let SD find out what happens when you piss on a S/Parent one too many times. She will be blowing up your phone telling you to pay for her hair/nails/whatever and you can tell her "Well, this is a mother/daughter thing. Call your mom." EVERYTHING is now a mother/daughter thing. Back out of the deal. Provide the bare minimum.
I would even tell her "You started your period? Want me to run you over to your mothers place for tampons? Sorry, I am totally out." "Graduation party? Your mother is coming? Wonderful! Her share is $250. Now when she pays for her share she is welcome. Otherwise I will call the cops for trespassing if she steps onto my property.... And trust me, I will do it." "Seriously? I am not your mother. I am not responsible for your anything. Your mother and father are your parents.*SD* and I aren't. We have no legal obligation to you at all. So I will not be contributing to your road trip to the coast."
Even if you have to practice in front of the bathroom mirror. Stop being her victim and stop allowing her to manipulate you and bring you to tears.
Also remember the way she treats you and the way you do things for her... your own daughters are watching and they are not yet teenagers.
Were you in any of the
Were you in any of the pictures?
I'm trying to understand why you're hurt. I'm sorry that you are, but honestly I don't think it's a big deal that your SD wanted both her parents in the picture.
Bio parents will always come first. It doesn't matter how great the step-parent nor how crappy the parent. Bio parents almost always come first regardless
As a step-kid, who loved my step-parent, I can tell you that I would want both my parents in my graduation picture..my mom made sure that didn't happen however. I would also want my SF in a picture too :D, but most kids will want both their parents together in a picture like that and I'm sure the intent is not to be hurtful or disrespectful to the step-parent...it's just the way it is, this is their parents
When my husband's eldest daughter had SGS 3 years ago, not only were we all there together (DH, BM and I) but I even too pictures of DH and BM together holding SGS. I had no issue with that whatsover and hope one day when little SGS is older he has a picture of both his grandparents holding him together on the day he was born.
There are also great shots of DH & I holding SGS, after BM passed him to me asking if I would like to hold him too. I also hope little SGS sees those when he is older
I wouldn't be offended by this one honey. What your SD wanted is natural and she shouldn't feel she can't have both her parents in a photo for this important event. If you were completely excluded and ignored by your SD than that is a different matter