PETS
Looking for opinions on how best to handle this situation.
Six months before BM and FDH got a divorce, they got a dog. BM brought a cat with her when they got married. FDH never wanted the dog (or the cat for that matter). He is just not an animal person.
Fast Forward, FDH moves out of the house when BM demanded a separation. In the divorce he retained the house, but allowed BM to live there for six months following the divorce. When she finally moved out, she could not find a place to rent that accepted animals. FDH simply wanted her out so that he could be living in the house he was paying for. He agreed to keep the animals until she could find a place. He moved the dog outside to a chain because he could not have it in the house during the long hours that he was working. And, honestly, he doesn't want animals in the house. So the dog has been living on a chain for three years. Not fair to the animal.
This was nearly three years ago. The animals are still living at FDH house. BM has since went out and purchased another cat. Her cat is still at FDH house.
We are getting married in eight weeks. He and the kids, which he has most of the time, will be moving into my house. We both agree on the animal issue (which I understand, many do not agree with us, but that's ok) and do not want animals in the house.
He wants to get rid of the animals, after asking her and giving her a final date to take them. At the same time, he is worried about how the kids will react. What do you all think is the best recourse for the kids in this?
Well, the mistake was having
Well, the mistake was having the animals in the first place but you can't go back and undo that so no sense in staying on that point. The issues here are: It's a poor example of commitment to the kids, I'm assuming they have an emotional attachment to the animals so that will be a tough lesson on them, and lastly, you are practically handing BM ammo to make you guys the bad guys.
So, to tackle the commitment issue, depending on the kids ages you have to age appropriately say to them that animals are commitments and a lot of work and you feel guilty giving up on them but at the same time, what kind of life is that animal living on a chain all day? Having no one to play with them for 12 hours a day etc. and that it will be better for the animals to live somewhere where they get to interact and are treated with love not a chore.
As far as the emotional attachment, again depending on the kids ages, maybe give them a stuffed animal or a picture or something that can always remind them of their pet when they miss it.
As far as the BM- no advice there, if I knew how to get BM not to badmouth us I would have never found this site. All I can say is stick with the facts and the truth if the kids ask about it.
"o the point that the animals
"o the point that the animals come before the skids."
No question! However, if a loving home can be found for the animals, then that is what is best.
They never pay any attention
They never pay any attention to the animals. They think they are attached to them but they never pay one bit of attention to them. SS will throw a fit if you ask him to feed them. And I agree it was a mistake to get them in the first
Place. But since BM wanted them we feel she should be the one to take care of them.
Hopefully I don't get blasted. I mean, we don't have anything against people who want and have animals, we just are not animal people ourselves. And FDH fought tooth and nail about getting the animal and it was brought home anyway bc "he was the only one in the house who didn't want it" and now the only person who didn't want it is the one stuck taking care of them. Not to mention, the cat is actually BM's 'a cat!! And she has a new one!!
The best case scenario would
The best case scenario would be for BM to find somewhere for them. But she has yet to do anything she says she's going to do
Is there a relative or family
Is there a relative or family friend who could take them? That way the kids could still see them, but hopefully they'd have a better life. I do agree if you're not interacting with the pets then they should certainly go to new homes. (I...uh... I'm one of those people who might blast you though if you say you're going to send them to the pound or put them down though! Sorry.)
No, no pound or putting the
No, no pound or putting the animal down. That's just mean. We are looking for a new home for sure, no family members have bitten, but we hope someone in BMs family will take the dog. But they haven't in three years.
Fdh and I would love to find a neighbor or someone who would give the dog a good home so the kids could still see her.
ETA: We just got the call that a friend with a farm 30 minutes away is going to take her if BM can't rehome her!
Yes I believe he should have
Yes I believe he should have given the dog away much sooner being that he never wanted it. But apparently the dog has to suffer BC BM might cause problems. I can't fault him for not wanting it. If you don't want animals you shouldn't get them. But they shouldn't be thrust upon you either. That's not fair to anyone. Animals included
Oh, and trust me, no more animals for us!!
Seriously, especially a dog
Seriously, especially a dog that was used to living with a family.
That poor thing has been out there alone with minimal human interaction for THREE YEARS, after being an inside dog. Surely it is depressed and has developed neurotic coping mechanisms by now, which will make finding a loving home for it all the more difficult. Hopefully there's a family out there who will want to put the extensive time and energy it will take to behaviorally rehabilitate it, otherwise the poor doggie's future outlook is not so good. And all because people are selfish.
I understand not being animal people and I don't think OP is selfish, but BM definitely is for abandoning these animals. And while I that understand OP's DH didn't want the dog to begin with, I'm having trouble understanding the logic behind leaving the dog suffer alone outside for three years... because BM might be mad.
Let's see: the well being of a living creature or BM throwing a fit and eventually getting over it. Which is more important? Hmmm.
Your last sentence has been
Your last sentence has been where I've been at from the beginning. He was trying to keep the dog for the kids, hoping that BM would find a home for it. She has made no effort to do so. I believe he should have never told her he would take it in in the interim. However, the good thing is, the dog is looking at a new home NOW. I have insisted that it is not coming to my house to live on a chain.
Without going into detail, I
Without going into detail, I can promise you these kids will get over the animals being gone, even if they were beloved family pets. In the mean time, coddling the poor kids' feelings has led to them learning negative behaviors when it comes to the care and keeping of pets. This whole situation is jacked up. I hope the kids never grow up to do this to a dog. Very sad.
Maybe, maybe not. My daughter
Maybe, maybe not. My daughter has still not "gotten over" her Dad's getting rid of her dog (different scenario, though - Dad actually got her the dog, despite knowing neither he nor his wife are animal people, etc.). That was nearly 10 years ago.
These kids may, or may not, "get over it".
That's exactly the position
That's exactly the position we're in. We cannot make ourselves animal people BC of BMs irresponsibility. It's not fair to anyone.
Thanks for your advoce
Flip out. She has another
Flip out.
She has another cat, so that is probably what he is going to do with the cat. But she is not supposed to have animals. She rents.
Responsible, right?
You're exactly right he was.
You're exactly right he was. And we are hoping to find it a good home and think we may have found one, on a farm. Perfect for this dog. But the problem is the skids will never see it again. Still, it's completely unfair to the dog to live like this. Thanks for the advice.
Go with the farm. The kids
Go with the farm. The kids will get over it. Tell them it was cruel to keep the dog as is, and remind them that they were never interested in doing the tough stuff related to taking care of an animal, so it was best to let the dog go somewhere to be happy and with someone who will take good care of it.
If BM throws a fit, so what? Living your lives in fear of an adult throwing a temper tantrum is no way to live.
"But the problem is the skids
"But the problem is the skids will never see it again."
SO WHAT? The kids couldn't care less about them!! OMG these parents didn't care enough about the kids to make their relationship work, but they care so much about their feelings they can't do the right thing with the pets? Holy cow...
But apparently the dog has to
But apparently the dog has to suffer BC BM night cause problems
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oh please be aware that this dog has suffered for 3 years because of your DH...NOT BM. She does not have it on a chain for 3 years. I really hope you find a great home for the poor thing.
But please think about this. You are about to marry a man who has abused a dog for 3 years. What kind of person does that make him?
No, she abandoned it
No, she abandoned it completely. Why should the dog have to be kept in a cage for 12 to 15 hours a day while FDH works? Should he quit his job to take care of BM's dog? Maybe the courts will award him CS for taking in the dog. Why should he be forced to take it on because BM is not responsible? He was doing her a favor. One that is about to end in the next couple weeks.
No, BM should have TAKEN the dog and not put FDH in this position to begin with.
However, since she clearly put him in that position, he should have given the dog away much sooner, when it was clear she wasn't taking it.
Your DH is a grown damn man.
Your DH is a grown damn man. He could have done MANY things beside put that dog on a chain for 3 years. But by your last post, your DH will not be held accountable for anything ever. Good luck with that.
"However, since she clearly
"However, since she clearly put him in that position, he should have given the dog away much sooner, when it was clear she wasn't taking it."
Or, even better, he should not have agreed to take it at all, IMO.
This is not holding him accountable? Should I spank him for making a poor choice? Maybe I'll put him in time out.
No-kill animal shelter. The
No-kill animal shelter. The county shelter likely will kill them when no new owner is found. Keeping a dog on a chain for years - even months - is animal cruelty.
Now is no time to worry about the kids especially since they don't care. They're thinking of them as toys, bring them out to play, toss them away when done. Take a toy train away and they'll miss it but its hardly heart breaking.
Good point. Thank you for
Good point. Thank you for that comparison
A dog that old won't survive
A dog that old won't survive in a shelter. He'll likely start to show signs of stress within a few days.
Once his health declines, or he snaps at anyone (or another animal) which is almost guaranteed .. they will put him down. "No-kill" doesn't mean they don't put them down (in most states) .. they just won't do it SOLELY for space reasons.
We have a farm for her to go
We have a farm for her to go to if BM can't/won't take her. I was asking how do you help kids cope.
Tell them the truth. There
Tell them the truth. There is a lesson to be learned here; a very important one for kids who may grow into adults who want pets.
Pets are a responsibility. If you cannot give them the love, attention, and care that they NEED; the humane thing to do is to find them a home that will.
They might be sad about it for a little while, but not all lessons are rainbows and sunshine either.
i would think that unless the
i would think that unless the pets were specifically mentioned in the divorce decree that your husband can do with them what he wants.
the fact that he allowed this poor animal to be chained for THREE YEARS is deplorable. im sorry, but that's the truth. many towns have bylaws outlawing the chaining of dogs because of the cruelty issues.
bring the pets to a shelter if he truly cannot make a commitment to their PROPER care.
The animals need a new home.
The animals need a new home. I can't believe anyone let that dog live on a chain for 3 years
Find them a home with a person who will care for them. If you take them to a shelter, they will be put down. Older animals are near impossible to adopt, and they decline in health/demeanor/attitude by the hour once locked in a cage 24/7.
The best recourse for the ANIMALS is to get them a new home. It's cruel and heartless to let an animal suffer because a kid who lives there sometimes might be upset.
"Animal person or not he
"Animal person or not he should have re-homed the dog long before now. That's very telling."
True story.
Brings to mind a quote
Brings to mind a quote ...
"He who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals."
--Immanuel Kant
As I said in my original post
As I said in my original post and have said numerous times, we are trying to do the right thing and get the dog a good home. We have found one on a farm. But the kids will no longer see the dog. We are hoping BM will take the dog like she was supposed to and maybe the kids will still get to see it. Nonetheless, the dog being on a chain is ending. That is not up for discussion. It IS happening. Whether we do it, or BM does it, the dog will no longer be living on a chain. This will be hard for the kids, but we agree that having a dog on a chain is not fair.
BM has made this even harder by constantly telling the kids that she is taking the dog for the past three years. Nonetheless, FDH should never have agreed to keep it for even ONE DAY.
BM started the problem, by getting a dog she couldn't make a commitment to and FDH perpetuated the problem by offering to keep the dog to get her out of the house he was paying for.
We have a home chosen for the
We have a home chosen for the dog. At a farm. The dog is only 3.5 years old. No shelters are necessary. And I have said numerous time I believe he should have never agreed to take on the dog while BM found a place for it. But he was trying to do right by his kids, which I agree was also the wrong attitude. My question now is that when we give the dog away, how so we deal with it with the kids
Tell them the truth. No one
Tell them the truth. No one took appropriate care of the dog so he went to live at a place where he'd be loved and free.
Send the cat too. They love farms.
"how so we deal with it with
"how so we deal with it with the kids"
Dear Kids,
The dog has gone to live at a place where it will be happy and where it will be taken care of.
You'll remember that this was your Mom's dog, and your dad agreed to take it temporarily until your Mom could take it back. She never did that.
Dad did something very misguided and kept the dog outside on a chain. He didn't want it inside, but he also didn't want to give it away because he was worried about you guys being sad. Now this is a dog that was used to living inside with a family, and he had become very sad living a lonely life outside by himself. We've noticed that you guys have had no interest in feeding or caring for the dog, and that's not fair to the dog either. Animals aren't just fun when you want them around, they're a responsibility too. And no one was taking care of this dog.
So because all of this was unfair to the dog, we found a farm for him where he can run and be a happy dog. We know that you might feel sad that he doesn't live here anymore, and that's ok. You can feel sad and cry because you miss him. That's a very normal reaction. Let yourself cry when you feel sad.
I hope that you can understand that crying over a dog that we didn't take good care of while he was here is just about us, and it's important to remember that the dog is a living being with feelings. We may miss him alot, but it's more important that he's happy. We can't be selfish and make him a very sad dog by keeping him with us when he can be very happy somewhere else.
This is wonderful. Thank you.
This is wonderful. Thank you.
3 of his 3.5 years on a chain
3 of his 3.5 years on a chain and all your worried about is how are the kids going to cope, how has that poor animal coped? Your DH has truly let that dog live a dog's life, shame on him. Give that a dog a chance at life, please get him off that chain. For your animal you are their world, not just a part of it, but all of it.
I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for the children, other than the truth, you didn't love the dog, you ignored it and left it chained for 3 years we have sent it somewhere, where it can have a life and a true home where someone actually cares for it.
I can't do anything about the
I can't do anything about the animal and it's 3 years on a chain. It's not my animal and it's not my home. There are no laws against it where we live unless it is in extreme conditions.
What I CAN do is not allow it to go on at my home. And that's exactly what is happening. The dog IS going somewhere else. We have found a farm for her. But we are hoping BM will place her somewhere where the children could still see her, which is what was supposed to happen to begin with.
So, as a result, yes I am worried about HOW to help children cope with the loss of a pet because that is what I can control right now.
You need to understand that
You need to understand that this is NOT a loss to the kids. You are inventing emotional feelings that do not exist. They don't care and won't care.
These are DH's kids and DH's
These are DH's kids and DH's animals. HE tells HIS kids the truth. The dog needs more interaction and care than he and his family have been willing to provide, and for the sake of the dog, he is going to a new home where he will be cared for. Dogs in particular need social interaction.
A dog is a great big commitment, and nobody stepped up to that commitment. It's a life lesson, and an important one. Truth, age appropriate, delivered by your DH with time for his kids to ask questions.
No delays.
The only person I know who
The only person I know who has done such things as this with pets is a psychopath. I was married to him for 8 years and it was hell. Good luck.
I can't get the picture of a
I can't get the picture of a PUPPY chained up all day out of my head. A puppy. Because that is what he was at 6 mos. Has your b/f had him vaccinated, seen by a vet, treated against heartworm, ticks, etc. in the three years he's been responsible for the dog?
And I guess I don't understand why the kids will NEVER see the dog again - the farm is 30 miles/minutes away - Dad can't drive them that far to see that the dog has settled in and is happier? Seems like a no-brainer to me.
Probably not, but it seems to
Probably not, but it seems to be an issue for OP.
Yes she has been seen by a
Yes she has been seen by a vet, is fixed, and properly vaccinated.
the kids got over their
the kids got over their parents divorce on some level. if they can get thru that they can get thru a dog being given away.
sure they wont see it again - but the same thing is true when an animal dies! you do know that the dog will not live forever, right? so at some point you were going to have to deal with telling the kids the dog is gone and will never be seen by them again.
Very good point. We are
Very good point. We are sitting down with the kids today and FDH is asking BM today. Even though everyone is saying the kids don't care, and we agree, they don't, BM will make this hard for them. But we are sticking with the animal doesn't deserve to live like this. This is Mommys dog that we have kept for 3 years now. She obviously isn't taking it, so now we have to do the right thing and give her away to a good family
I say "we" but really FDH would be talking about himself. With the move evident, the kids are going to blame it on me. But I don't care. I know FDH doesn't want animals. I know I don't want animals, so this animal is not coming to my house to live on a chain.
Why is he asking his ex
Why is he asking his ex anything? He should sinmply tell her that the pooch will be going to a new home on xx/yy/2014 unless she takes her. Period.
That's what he is doing. The
That's what he is doing. The dog is leaving here at xyz date. Do you want her? You have until this date to take her
That's what he should have
That's what he should have done three years minus three WEEKS ago. Poor dog.
I can do you one better. "Get
I can do you one better.
"Get the #$%$ out of my house and take your animals with you when you go."
Don't give her a date to screw around.
He was more concerned about
He was more concerned about his kids and ex-wife than an innocent animal. Where do you supposed YOU fall on his compassion scale? Above his kids and ex? Below his kids and ex? Above an innocent animal or below?
I am much more concerned with how your DH's lack of character will affect your long-term marriage outlook than about whether or not the damn skids are going to get traumatized that the abused animal is no longer around for them to ignore!
I always judge people by how they treat animals and people who they can't get anything from. Your short post tells me all I want to know about your H.
Obviously I am above his kids
Obviously I am above his kids and his ex since the dog is not coming to MY house to be chained up. He should have dealt with this long ago, though, I agree.
Something people on here don't seem to understand though is that I don't live at his house. I don't spend the night at his house. It's his house, his kids and his dog. I have demanded that I don't want a dog. He doesn't want a dog, obviously, so the dog is not coming to MY house to live on a chain.
And obviously he doesn't have a problem stepping up and giving the dog away because that is exactly what is happening. It's just, in my opinion, he should have not offered to take the dog at all. But then she would have never left HIS house without the police throwing her out. And he thought she was going to come get her. She kept telling the kids she was going to come and get her. She is still telling the kids she is coming to get her. But three years have gone by and that dog is still there. It's sad and it's happening No more.
Since it IS happening, she is going to make it hard for the kids. Yes they ignore the animal. They are 4 and 7. They think they LOOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEE the animal. They don't. So, yes, I was hoping someone else would have advice on how to make it easier for them that their mother let them down AGAIN.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters who said tell them the truth and don't cut corners.
I figure if I can explain to my two children why our beloved family dog of 6 years- who lived in our house, slept in our beds, laid on our couches and played with us all - died (lymphoma) then you can certainly suck it up and explain some hard truths to your DH's kids about a dog who has been chained in the back yard alone and ignored for pretty much all it's life.
p.s. the kid threw a fit when asked to feed the dog??? Well... I'd be wondering if said kid would be given the privilege of DINNER that night. Seriously, SMDH.
Yes he threw a fit. He wanted
Yes he threw a fit. He wanted to play a video game. SMH.
I did tell him, "Don't bother me. I'll be playing video games when you're hungry."
He says, "Well can't you just do it?"
FDH went ballistic.
No-kill animal shelter! Or
No-kill animal shelter!
Or if all else fails with that- a reputable pet rescue group.
What ever you do, do not post them on craigslist or any site like that (I've heard horror stories of animals being purchased off of craigslist just to be tortured or worse).
OH and kinda O/T- DH & I have
OH and kinda O/T-
DH & I have several cats. Years ago when BM left DH, she also left behind two of her cats... saying that basically she didn't want to have to clean up after them anymore... less than 6 MONTHS later she had 2 dogs and 2 cats at her new house!?!?! SMH
The few times she sees these cats (when picking up or dropping off SD) she'll be like "how are my girls"... to which I want to freakin' strangle her (if looks could kill right lol)...
glad someone else has been
glad someone else has been there.
Yeah, when BM moved, she had
Yeah, when BM moved, she had two cats. She ended up getting rid of one because her new place had a limit. Guess who didn't take the cat ... ?
What BM chooses to do or not do in her life is none of my concern. DH and I rule our house. If DH had a dog chained up in his yard for ANY length of time when I met him because he couldn't come up with a better solution, I would never have married him. Treatment of animals speaks to character.
I'm glad it's getting handled now. Skids should know the truth. The dog suffered for years because no one loved it enough, and now it's getting a new healthy home.