Finally....a little validation! :-)
DH's brother, and brother's wife and 7yr old boy came up to spend a couple days with us at the lake house this weekend. Also, the SS23 (loser) came up and so did the SS24 and 5 of his friends. (DH's brother's wife is a stepmom to 2 kids and she and my brother-in-law also have their own 7yr old.) That was confusing to write without names. Forgive me. 
Since I have been getting no where in talking to the DH about the Failure to Launch SS23 and SD 19, I thought I would talk to my sister-in-law about her experiences of being a stepmom and ask her advice. She and I chatted for an hour about what was going on in the daily lives of the skids. She couldn't believe it. She said "How the hell are you putting up with this? We knew SS23 wasn't working and so on but I didn't know things had gotten so bad with him." She was referring to the entitlement attitude.
Side note: DH had to grab the SS23 and bring him up to camp about 2 hours after I posted my first post on this site (Failure to Launch SS23 and SS19). SS imploded and had another melt down. Started cutting again and went through the whole "poor is me" thing again. DH didn't want him out of his sight so he brought him up to camp to stay with us. Luckily, DH is fed up enough with this bullshit and said he would come up with a plan to get this kid on the right track. I am waiting to see the proof.
Anyway, apparently the sister-in-law spoke to DH's brother that night after talking with me. The next day I hear the brother and the DH talking about the SS23. The brother-in-law was telling DH to pull his boot straps up and do something about the kid. He gave him several pieces of sound advice (everything I have said before).
Later that evening DH comes to me and says "I have been thinking about SS23. I am going to start helping him look for a job on the internet everyday after work. He and I are going to sit down together and I am going to force him in to looking for a job. I can't kick him out because he is to fragile right now but I going to help him through this and help him to get a life."
I think hearing from his brother has really helped. Maybe it's different because it isn't coming from me - it's an outside source?
So, at least this is something! I'll take anything right now!
The only truly sucky thing is that now my peace and relaxation on the lake without skids has been absolutely obliterated! Grrrr!
That is great to hear! Yes
That is great to hear! Yes your peace and quiet has gone to hell, but look on the bright side. Your DH may finally be pulling his head out of his arse since other family members have chimed in. My DW didn't get the hint until her own mother told her that the stepkids are seriously harming our marriage.
So yes in the short term it sucks, but since DH sounds like he's tired of SS23 too, this could lead the way to many peaceful weekends in the future.
Agreed! If this could lead
Agreed! If this could lead to independence, I will do my best to suck it up. If I feel like I can't stand it anymore I'll jump in the boat and ride off into the sunset for a couple hours....hell, maybe even throw the anchor and spend the night on the water.
It might be a good idea to keep a bug out bag ready! LOL
I always joke with DH that if
I always joke with DH that if he doesn't do what I say I'm going to stick his dad and brothers on him... This is usually in a joking matter, but there is some truth to it. I definitely think it's a brother thing, but also a man thing. When things come from women (especially the DW) they come off as "emotional" or "nagging" or whatever, when the same exact thing comes from a man/brother/respected male it comes off as "this is what needs to be done"
Might be a little tool to keep in your toolbox for the occasional use. I think you should shoot your SIL a text and just say thank you!
You wrote: "the same exact
You wrote:
"the same exact thing comes from a man/brother/respected male it comes off as "this is what needs to be done"
Yes, I think that is exactly what happened. DH just saw it as "this is what we need to do to fix this." I was thinking "Well, huh...I wonder why I never thought of that!?"
:sick: He is lucky I didn't have a frying pan in my hand because I think I could have caused some damage.
And, I did send a thank you to my SIL.
She wrote back and said she and the brother were going to come up again soon. Us ladies are going to go do a little antiquing while the brother is going to sit down with DH and keep "nudging" him to get more involved and to help him see how he is enabling his son. I must admit...I did a little happy dance!!!
Sounds like a good plan.
Sounds like a good plan. It's so nice you have someone in real life that you can vent/receive insight who understands!
Thanks sueu2! I actually
Thanks sueu2! I actually didn't even have it in my mind that the SIL or BIL would talk to DH. I was simply talking to the SIL to see if she had any experience and wisdom to pass along. I have never talked to her about any of this before - nada, zilch. It was just my good fortune that she spoke to her husband about it and he felt the need to say something. I'm glad it worked out OK because it could have gone much, much worse if DH thought I went behind his back to get his brother to talk to him about this stuff. Thank goodness it didn't play out that way.
I got lucky for once! And now I have an ally.
I was worried that this was
I was worried that this was going to end that your DH got pissed at you for airing the dirty laundry! What a relief that it was the opposite. Good for you and thank you for sharing because it gives us all hope...
Hahahaha!! MarieJeanne I'll
Hahahaha!! MarieJeanne I'll take that under advisement!! That definitely put a giggle in my belly!
It's disappointing but true
It's disappointing but true that often an outside perspective carries much more weight than a stepparents, particularly if the stepparent has been trying to make themselves heard for some time and their partner has become resistant and even hostile. Maybe it's harder for them to dismiss the advice when it comes from someone who is less personally involved, they can't give themselves the get-out that it's bias or resentment or unfairness or any of the excuses they use so they don't have to make themselves unpopular with their children.
Congrats on this new
Congrats on this new development! I think it is great to have allies, and i would cultivate a friendship with your SIL. Your husbands seem to be close enough... you could make it a tradition to do things together as couples if you live close by. I think it is invaluable to be perceived well by DH's family. Not to sound too conniving but this is one strategic alliance that could serve you really well. One SM to another... in my life it is DH's sister who is a real treasure, a great source of advice, influence and yes - another SM.
Thanks for all the comments
Thanks for all the comments everyone! I really appreciate it!