If you don't have kids together, run. If he can't teach his child manners, you are in for a miserable life of having to put up with his kid and him allowing her to treat you with disrespect. Believe me, after 15yrs I have finally realized the problem wasn't so much loser SKID or BM or his shitty family, it was the SHITTY man I chose to be with who had no balls to stand up to others and demand they respect me. F#$%$%ck that.

DH can't seem to understand why I don't want to do things with SD15, and then she pulls crap like today...from the moment we picked her up she had an attitude! However, when I flat out said that I didn't want to her to come with us today when the original plans were to pick her up in the morning, he started to get upset with me for wanting to exclude her...when I flat out told him that SD15 would have an attitude and put a damper on the day. Luckily, we got to pick her up at the end of the day, and sure enough, there was that attitude! And like clockwork, there was DH trying to coax her out of the attitude rather than just telling her to suck it up and get over it! Thankfully, instead of a full day of that, I only had to deal with about an hour of it, because we got home, and straight to her room she went...not a peep our of her since.

These men just don't understand! They are too concerned about making the princesses happy, and forget about our happiness. Truthfully, what do they think will bring them more happiness in life? Okay...blood thicker than water...I've heard that (not from DH, but others). I'm not saying they have to put us before their children, but it is reasonable to expect that they parent their children and demand that the children at least show some respect toward us! It isn't like we are trying to get in between them and their princess...we are just trying to make them grow a set and parent these kids! We are trying to make them see that they are not doing these girls any favors by bowing to them and their every whim and letting them get away with treating people like crap!

Time to borrow one of your own family or friends most unruly children. You have as much right to expect your fiancee to rearrange his plans and devote his time to entertain and bond with the borrowed hellion. Should not be long before he finds himself feeling the same way you do about his daughter. I have found that talking and explaining is like talking to a wall. Putting fiancee in the same or near same situation soon has them reacting and saying the same thing you have said, but it was only rejected as being unreasonable.

He's afraid, as most non-custodial fathers are, that if she's not catered to she'll quit seeing him. It's a valid fear. Most fathers are not able to stand up to the possibility of losing their kid (at least temporarily and usually during the teen years) so they become subservient to the kid(s).

Is this indicative of how he would act to his kid if the divorce never happened? Probably not but it does show you that he's not strong enough to parent when things get tough. You've got a few more years of this kid being around so you'll have to consider if its worth sticking around and of course if you're considering children you'll have to consider his abilities as a father.

Stand your disengagement ground and keep repeating why as it might sink in. You can tell him for me that the three of you will never become a "family". She has a family which consists of her, Mom and Dad. As an adult she may or may not change her attitude.

Personally I would not marry/shack up with this guy until his kid is out of high school. If you're living with him now I'd end that arrangement. It's best for the kid and it'll underscore how sure you are of your decision.

Better yet find a guy without children.

Run

Ugh...

Otherwise, it's up to HIM to BRING everyone together. Good luck.

I'm so relieved to find this site! Again, another argument that starts as my observations and concern for my fiance's SD15, but turns into him getting upset with me about my "negative feelings" towards her. She is not the problem at all, it's the way he and BM have raised her. It's the way he has no understanding or empathy for what it is like to be the "other woman" in the relationship he has with his daughter. He is the problem in that it's always a take or leave it response for me.

It is his job to bring the three of us together, but instead he's always made it clear to me, and indirectly to her, that it's him and his daughter, and I have a place, that is not as a part of them. We're marrying in November, and it's so hard that it's not even SD15 that is trying to break us apart. She is spoiled, she does disrespect him, part of it is normal teen girl behavior, part is learned, but it's manageable. I just wish he could see how he behaves, I wish he could see my problem is not with his child, but his treatment towards me, and his defensiveness when I want the small parenting issue with his daughter addressed.

^^YEP^^ Same issue I've been dealing with for a year and a half, and we are pretty much broken up right now, except, I'm the one who complains "we live separate lives." Do I want to be around the boy14? Hell no. But he's at Daddy's 50% of the time and at least half of that time, he's hanging out with friends anyway. But God forbid he should include me at all during the time he has his son. If I treated him the same way, there would literally be 4 days out of the month that we could see each other. He is not parenting him out of fear that he will want to stay with the crazy bm. He is his buddy and always has been, and seeking full custody. But he has made sure to make his house so fun that all the neighbors want to be there, too. OMG a year ago we were sitting out back having a cookout and the neighbor behind them, came through the backyard, walked into the house, and fixed himself a hotdog. This was before his son walked RIGHT NEXT TO where I sat, over/across the picnic table. I was speechless. Not only is the behavior crazy, the fact that my bf lets his son make adult decisions constantly (that sometimes affect me) really makes me feel like I'm the third wheel. The outsider. It sucks.