Failure to Launch SS23 and SD19

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I need advice please!

I have been with my DH for 6 years. I have one BD22. He has 3 children - son 24, son 23, daughter 19. He had full custody of his children (and the children NEVER visited their BM)- meaning we had them 365 days a year 24/7. FYI -he and I met 2 years after he divorced the BM so I wasn't a factor in the divorce - the BM had an affair and that caused the divorce. I survived the hell of getting the skids through their teenage years into adulthood. The oldest SS24 is doing well for himself and no longer lives with us. The same goes for my BD22 - she is fully independent.

The problem I am now facing concerns mainly the SS23. 8 years ago he attempted suicide as a reaction to the divorce. From what I have gathered, my DH babied the heck out of him and allowed the child to not attend school because it was "too emotionally draining" for him. My DH and the BM were constantly concerned the kid would attempt suicide again so they just pussy footed around him. The kid never went back to school and refused counseling. Fast forward to today. SS23 has obviously not graduated high school. In the past I have tried to encourage to get his GED. He didn't "feel up to it". Both my DH and I have tried to teach him how to drive so he could get around and get a job. He says it makes him anxious and he can't handle the pressure of driving. The kid has only worked 4 months since he was 15.

He still lives at home with us and sits around all day playing video games or hanging on the computer. He NEVER helps with any of the household chores. Yada, yada, yada....you all know the typical failure to launch story so I will spare you the redundant prose.

The SS19 is heading down the same road although she has her driver's license and did graduate high school. She only works about 20 hours a week and doesn't help around the house or contribute to the household expenses, either. Instead, she spends $300 a month on boarding a horse she just acquired!!

The problem is the my DH won't put his foot down and get these kids to shape up or ship out. I fear SS will forever be living with us. forever!

I moved into DH's home so I can't say "It's my house, get out!" But, I make quite a bit more money than my DH and we both put our paychecks into a joint account. We both contribute all our money to the household expenses, vacations, etc. So, I feel I have the right to claim the house as "mine", too.

If this were my daughter, I would have her by the ear and give her a 3 month contract stating that she needed to get herself together, get a job and move out into her own place. That is just what adults do - they become independent members of society. It's time to grow up! But, since these are my skids I am so limited in what I can say to them. Every time I bring the issue up to my DH he gets defensive or he just shuts down and we never have a real conversation about it. I love my DH dearly and we have an absolutely wonderful, loving relationship. Our only thorns come from the skids.

I'm at a loss for what to do. I want to finally be free in my own home and not have to deal with "basement kids" forever. Any advise here?

I completely understand your

I completely understand your position. SD24 would pull the "I just want to kill myself" card whenever she was being pressured to grow up or be responsible. Of course my wife would get off work early and go dashing home to "comfort" her. Your relationship sounds like mine. It's all lovey dovey and we hardly fight, until we have to talk about her daughters.

You have a few things you can do. First thing is that you need to start having a small amount of your paycheck going into a separate account. Doesn't have to be a lot, just maybe $100 each paycheck.

Your DH obviously doesn't want to address anything, so you're going to have to be a little bold. First thing you should do is get rid of the video game system and lock it up somewhere. Do not ASK for DH's permission, just do it. Do not give your DH the combination to the lock. This will cause an argument, but stand strong. A condition of him getting it back is that he start counseling, get a job, or enroll in a GED class. No exceptions.

If your DH tries to cave or tries to pressure you into backing down, STAND YOUR GROUND. This will be uncomfortable at first because it is new territory, but you HAVE to show him you are serious. This will get his attention and he will be forced to have a serious conversation about his kids. I know it will be hard, I recently had to stand my ground with my wife for the first time concerning her kids. She tried all of her usual tactics such as not discussing it, crying, etc. Once she knew I wasn't going to cave in, she was willing to truly discuss the situation.

Phase two will happen if your DH still isn't ready to address the issue. Phase two consists of you telling your DH that you will get your own place if he still refuses to address the issue. Of course he will think you are bluffing, just like my wife thought I was bluffing. The key here is that you must be willing to actually move out, this cannot be a bluff. To show him that you are serious, you can start having ALL of your money direct deposited into the bank account you set up. That will get his attention VERY quickly. If he still wants to drag his feet, then you have the money you need to get your own place. You don't need to LEAVE him, but just let him know that you refuse to live in the house anymore since he refuses to address the issue, and you two can date. I doubt it will get that far though once he knows you are serious.

Hopefully it won't get to phase 2 for you, with my wife the ONLY thing that got her attention is when I said if SD24 comes back to live with us, I am moving out. Tell your DH that there needs to be some type of "exit plan" for SS23. If your DH does get on board, use that money you've been secretly putting aside and buy him something nice or do something really nice for him, to "reward" his behavior.

Now this is something I can

Now this is something I can sink my teeth into!! Thank you! I like the idea of putting money aside from each paycheck for my 'just in case' fund. I also like the idea of locking up the game system. But I know that will definitely cause issues with my DH. I do have a bit of a reprieve for 3 months. We have a lake cottage about 35 minutes from our house that DH and I move into every summer for 3 months. The skids only come up here to go boating occasionally (that's another whole gripe since they do nothing to maintain the camp and grounds). But, this year I am committed to getting a game plan in place before we move back into the winter house in town. The 2 skids stay at the town house all summer so, thank goodness, I get a little break.

What I really have wanted to do the last 2 years is turn off the town house cable TV and the internet while we are gone. I can't do that while we are living there because I need it - my work allows me to work remotely. I just think why should we allow them to continue to live in the lap of luxury when we aren't even there. No TV and no internet might drive the skids to get out and get their own place plus that means no gaming for SS23. DH has not seen it this way in the past but I'm hoping this year he might as he is getting a little fed up with the skids, too.

Thanks for the advice!

I like the idea of locking up

I like the idea of locking up my sons xbox. I have a 16 year old who is doing very well in school and out of all of my 3 children, he is the easiest to deal with. My only problem with him is that he and my 11 year old fight over the stupid xbox. I have threatened to take a bat to the stupid box however my sons know that its just an idle threat (however it would be very therapeutic for me to smash it to little pieces when they fight over the stupid games). One day my 16 year old needed to be disciplined; I promptly took away the beloved xbox. This is hilarious; he threw himself on the ground and started to hyperventilate. I did not give in. Amazing what power we have when we are in control of the electronics.

The suicide issue is awful. My SD is now 30. About 6 years ago she tried to kill herself. She almost died. It was a gruesome attack on herself and I will spare you all of the details as it is too horrible to write about here. She was institutionalized for 4 months in a state hospital. She then went to halfway houses. She should not be living alone and needs structure. She is schizophrenic with borderline and narcissistic personality disorder. She is also psychotic and refuses to take her medication. She grew up very entitled and quite spoiled by both of her parents. After the suicide attempt, everyone in the family was afraid to upset her as she might try to commit suicide again. Its like we all live under the constant threat that if she doesn't get what she wants that she will do it again. Its like we have all been imprisoned. By the way, she tried to kill herself 2 days after my husband took away her brand new $30,000 car that he bought for her. She was supposed to go to school and get a job, pay the insurance, you know the normal things an adult should be able to do. She trashed the car beyond repair, lied about school, was doing drugs and dancing on a pole at a strip club. Since my husband was the registered owner of this vehicle, he would get a call almost every month when she didn't pay her insurance. He couldn't do it anymore; he realized that he was enabling her and that she didn't keep up her end of the bargain so he took the car away. He was so hurt that she trashed it (cigarette burns were all over the upholstery front and back seats, she was letting her boyfriend drop her off at the strip club and would drive the car without insurance, all sorts of cracks and dents in the car, cigarettes put out in the plastic drink holder, it was disgusting.
Now he has to live with the memory that he tried to discipline his daughter and she almost died because she got upset.
Its awful and I feel bad for any other family that has had to endure this type of pain. My husband has endured so much after the suicide attempt. He tried so hard to help her so I can understand why in this situation the parents get all freaked out. Its very scary and I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. Then of course you try to understand their mental illness, but if they are manipulative like my SD its hard to differentiate between what is mental illness and what is the personality disorder--mainly the narcissism.

Wow, I could NOT handle that.

Wow, I could NOT handle that. SS23 is your biggest problem. Sounds like he is in dire need of counseling to get to the root issues of his anxiety (or laziness). Anxiety can be a real thing, but there are tools and medications that can give a person a normal, independent, productive, happy life. I would insist on that first and foremost to get rid of excuses. Is he going to be 34 still at home playing video games? 44? 60? You and your DH could probably benefit from some counseling too.

If SS won't agree to counseling or your DH blocks it, I would be looking for my own place. Not necessarily end the marriage but I would lose my mind living with that. If YOU don't change something, nothing will change. Ever. Your DH is too paralyzed with fear and probably guilt to ever do anything.

SD 19 has a little more hope. At least she finished high school and has a part-time job. I would institute chores for both adults. If 4 people live in the house, then it takes 4 people to take care of the house. You can hope they dislike the chores so much that they move out. I would for sure immediately stop being their personal maid service (cooking, laundry, cleaning their rooms/bathroom, etc.).

And if all of this is too much and SS threatens suicide, call 911. He will likely be admitted for observation and that might trigger some help for him.

^^ Yes absolutely.

Yes absolutely.

I have never been their

I have never been their personal maid at any level other than cooking meals. I stopped cooking for them 6 months ago. That was hilarious! The looks they gave me when they saw there wasn't enough prepared dinner to feed them, too! LOL They do their own laundry and clean their bedrooms. However, DH does clean their nasty bathroom because it is the common bathroom if guests come over. I refuse to clean it. I just use the Master Bathroom. DH can own the skids/guest bathroom.

SS23 has gone to a 2 week long in-hospital treatment 3 times. The SD19 tried to commit suicide twice, as well, when she was 16. She is also a cutter (as is the SS23). We put her in a 2 week long in-hospital treatment facility twice. Now, mind you, none of the SS or SD suicide attempts were very serious - meaning it was seriously a cry for help/attention. And I gave them the benefit of the doubt and I tried to help and I felt for them but enough is enough. It's always the "poor me pity pot". I understand when someone is seriously hurting and suicide seems the only option to them. However, this is learned behavior - their BM has done this twice.

I'm just sick of walking on eggshells because these kids refuse to grow up and cope with life's pressures.

I doubt if "Phase one" above

I doubt if "Phase one" above will work but by all means give it a try if you think it will. Personally I believe you'll have to move out. The problem here is your husband who needs to get the counseling. He'll refuse until something shocking happens to force the issue. Force it you must as persuasion isn't going to do it.

It's possible to get a "Legal Separation" in most states. This is not quite a divorce as your assets and income are no longer community property and a lawsuit against him will not effect you for instance. Financially you're not married leaving only the emotional (but legal) marriage.

Being informed of the procedure would also be a shock which may force him into doing something.

Regardless of what happens you two need to create Living Trusts which will direct your assets after one of you dies and then the second. This will make sure your assets goes to your daughter and not to what is likely to be two deadbeats leaching on society once their inheritances are used up.

Often a trust will indicate that the non or partial owner of a piece of real estate (you) have the right to use (live in) the property until both parties have died. It makes sure you can't be tossed out if he dies first (likely) and the kids want to sell the house. You don't own the home, the trust does, but you have legal right to dwell there until you move, marry or die.

We have set up a trust. So,

We have set up a trust. So, I will be taking care of if he passes away first.

Also, he has me listed on his life insurance policy as 70% beneficiary and the skids get 30%. I have him listed as the same on my policy with my daughter getting 30%. What he doesn't know is that I have a very hefty second life insurance policy that only my sister knows about that makes my daughter sole beneficiary.

I know! It is as

I know! It is as unbelievable to me as it is to you. I simply cannot understand it!

I hope they grow up someday.

I hope they grow up someday. They may not. stepson is 32 only works 29 hours, no ged not license. Will not find a secound job. Bought a house with rent with option to buy, after 3 years they moved in to subsidized. we lost money on the deal as it was in our name, they will never get a gift from us again. We did it for the grandson. So he would have a house. It only had 2 bedrooms and they wanted 3 after they had a daughter. They are paying more for the apartment. He wanted paid for the work he did on the house when dh asking him to pay use back the security deposit he borrowed. We had an offer and had to make sure they were gone. He may get less in life insurance in the future.
So we have disengaged. We have done enough. Sounds like yours are heading down the same path.

Yikes!! I hope the stepkids

Yikes!! I hope the stepkids aren't heading down that path. That would be awful. Is it sad that I feel so very grateful that none of them have produced offspring yet?! I don't think I could handle that at all right now.

You mentioned your stepson wanting to get paid for work he has done on the house that you provided him...that is just crazy! We have the same sort of thing happening with my skids, too. If they ever help out with something around the house they want to get paid. If DH asks SS23 to mow the lawn, the SS will say "Yeah, I could use the money". WTH!! But DH has perpetuated this thought by actually paying them!! We take care of our house , DH's mom's house (who lives) right beside us, and we take care of the lake house along with 4 other lake cottages that we rent out to summer dwellers. There is SO much work to do! We come home from our day jobs and immediately start working on the properties while the damn skids hang out in the house and fart around. Makes me so damn mad!

When my daughter was living with us she went to high school and had a part time job and I made her contribute to the work around the house in addition to every thing else she had going on. That is what you do when you are a part of the family. My daughter used to get so mad because I made her help with the lawn or roofing the houses, etc while the skids did nothing. She saw the unfairness of it but I wanted to raise her right and I think it has paid off. She is a well adjusted, un-entitled young woman. She works for what she wants and realizes nothing is free in this world. Oh wait....I guess it is free if you are the stepkids! Grrrr!

Aha, there's a lever. Would

Aha, there's a lever. Would it be possible for you to entirely stop working on the lake properties and tell DH that the skids should do that part? The work will either help them shape up or leave?

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Failure to Launch SS23 and SD19