"I used to think I had good kids...until I met you."
I've recently had a very frank discussion with DH about my disengagement from his three boys, and the reasons why I've disengaged. They're sloppy, rude, lazy, and often downright disrespectful. I can't engage with kids like this, and I have three skids who are this way.
DH has been a bit bummed out over my disengagement, but he's slowly accepting it, I think.
He did make a comment to me the other day, though, and I really didn't know how to respond to it.
He was in the midst of cleaning up puddles of water around the refrigerator (SS7 got some ice out of the icemaker, then apparently dropped a bunch of the ice on the floor, then just walked off and left it there to melt - which is typical behavior for them). I stood there watching DH clean up the water. "How come SS7 couldn't just pick up the ice when he dropped it?" I asked. I wasn't trying to start a fight; I was genuinely curious.
DH stood up and sighed. "You know," he said, "I used to think I had good kids...until I met you."
I didn't know what he wanted me to say, so I just said, "I'm sorry things have turned out this way. I really am."
What on earth did he expect me to say?! I still don't know.
This is another bullshit
This is another bullshit copout excuse... that said, this is a normal kid being lazy thing as well... My DH would have marched the child right back into the kitchen and made them clean up the mess, how is saying sorry helping anything if he won't correct the behavior?
Agree, this is normal
Agree, this is normal behaviour for a child that age and not an indication of any special dreadfulness on their part, but a confident sensible parent, or one in a secure intact home, would have ensured that the child cleared up the mess, or given them a warning and explained what would happen next time if he made a mess and didn't clear it up. My 5 or 7 year olds are quite capable of making a mess and leaving someone else to clear it up, but they get picked up on it any time it happens.
If this is typical of the behaviour that is winding you up then basically DH probably does have kids who are no worse than anyone else's, it's his parenting which is the issue. No child is voluntarily going to be spick and span, clearing up after themselves and helping out, unless they are consistently taught to behave that way.
Just another big, fat excuse.
Just another big, fat excuse. Just like the earlier post about Biodad to SM translation:
They skulk around giving in to every whim of their spoiled, lazy brats, BFF them, make no attempt to parent, allow utter disrespect and contempt, then pronounce their spawn "good."
He's seven? Why not use this
He's seven? Why not use this as a teaching moment and have him clean it up? This is typical of a 7 yr old boy.
He's seven? Why not use this
He's seven? Why not use this as a teaching moment and have him clean it up? This is typical of a 7 yr old boy.
He's seven? Why not use this
He's seven? Why not use this as a teaching moment and have him clean it up? This is typical of a 7 yr old boy.
I did not mean to post 3 x's.
I did not mean to post 3 x's. I think boys are just like this. A bio parent would look at this as a time to teach (ideally). This little guy is a work in progress. They are a lot of work and require lots of patience. This is the crazy love that a bio parent has for a child. Dad (not you) should be using these moments to guide kids on what to do (as well as giving consequences when they already know). The fact that he's cleaning up is his fault, not the boys. His son will continue to act like this if he does not parent him. Maybe some good parenting books for DH would be helpful.
So instead of actually
So instead of actually answering your question, it got turned around to trying to make YOU feel bad for a mess his kid made. Ugh.
Exactly! Easy fix. This is
Exactly! Easy fix. This is about dad not the kid. DH may be motivated to parent kids better if he realized this would help stepmom's relationship with kids as well as form his children's character.
He was just trying to make
He was just trying to make YOU feel bad, like your expectations are just too high. Of course, they are not it's just that he has NO expectations for them.
I would have asked what he thought was so good about them.
I would have also asked him why he was cleaning up the mess and not SS7 (or maybe the one who thinks he's a dog could've licked it up). How will they ever learn if he just cleans up after them?
Yes, kids will be kids but they will not learn to do any better if their parents show them that they don't have to.
Exactly! 1. Parent fails to
Exactly!
1. Parent fails to teach kid because he wants kid to like him
2. Kid becomes feral
3. Other adults point out feralness to Parent
4. Parent takes offense and tries to blame other adults
5. Kid hates parent due to lack of respect having never been taught anything
6. Lather, rinse, repeat
BINGO!!! I never could say
BINGO!!! I never could say it like that to biodad as he has a hair trigger/explosive temper fueled by alcoholism and sociopathy. He would ALWAYS pronounce his ferals "good" when coming back from the BM's house.
HE STILL calls them "good kids" despite their being suspended, marianas trench like grades (not just failing but crater failing barely above zero) atrocious lower than animal behaviour, drug use, etc.
This is what my mother says
This is what my mother says about her grandkids!!!!! My SS is the eldest of my parent’s grandkids and my brother has 3. The kids are 21, 20, 17, 13. All are good kids with nothing more serious to deal with than the usual trials and tribulations of growing up and the associated brain farts that go along with being a teen or young adult.
Still, when my mother goes in to her "but they are not doing drugs, committing crimes or having out of wedlock children!" it grates on my nerves like fingernails on a chalk board. My response to her is always "neither did I or (Little bro) but you and dad would not tolerate poor grades, lippy behavior, laziness, lying or lack of character from us so why now are these things unimportant as long as your grand kids are not doing drugs, breaking the law or having out of wedlock pregnancies? Hmmmmmm?"” Mom turns purple and storms off.
I love and respect my parents completely but being 50 does provide some liberation from having comments I make responded to as "back talk" by my parents. }:)
Why does your character have
Why does your character have to be attacked because his child did something wrong? These are the exact types of conversations that drive stepparents to sites like this. I get that he's bummed out and probably disappointed how things have turned out, but making excuses for his kids behavior isn't going to solve anything.
"Why does your character have
"Why does your character have to be attacked because his child did something wrong?"
This is one of the most fundamental questions about step parenting. Because it's an incredibly common scenario: stepparent comments on stepchild, parent gets defensive and instinctively feels the problem is with the stepparent and their attitude or expectations, stepparent feels disrespected and feels resentful, resentment gets targeted at the child, stepparent becomes more critical, parent becomes even less inclined to listen or act. And so it goes on.
Perfect summary of step life!
Perfect summary of step life!
I agree. It's the stepparent
I agree. It's the stepparent perfect storm effect, and will yield the same results every time.
DH tried to get onto BS9 the
DH tried to get onto BS9 the other day about the way he sorted the laundry. This really pissed me off because at least he DOES IT! I stood up for BS9, too, letting DH know that at least he's making a damn effort! So he's not perfect at it yet. So freaking what? Hell, it took me a month to learn how to sort clothes "the right way" (i.e., the way DH likes to do it), so cut the boy a little slack!
His kids throw their dirty clothes down in whatever room they happen to be when they take them off, leaving them there for DH to pick up and deal with.
I'm trying to teach BS9 how to sort, wash, dry, and fold laundry. DH has no intentions of ever teaching his kids to do that, apparently.
So yeah, maybe he put a gray sock in with the "lights" (which is a mortal sin as far as DH is concerned - he's really anal about laundry sorting and washing for some reason), but hell, at least he's TRYING TO LEARN!
Doncha just love the double
Doncha just love the double standard? Mr. Laundry Fussypants doesn't mind his peccaries throwing laundry all over the place, but blasts your son for sorting!!!
DH got all huffy this morning
DH got all huffy this morning because he said BS9 didn't rinse out his cereal bowl thoroughly enough before putting it in the dishwasher. I suppose that's better than leaving bowls, cups, spoons, spilled milk and cereal all over the kitchen table every damn morning like YOUR kids do, huh DH?
Seriously, we had five boys eating breakfast at the table this morning, and BS9 was the ONLY ONE who put away his dirty dishes. I put away BS4's dishes because he can't reach the sink to rinse anything out, or get the dishwasher open by himself.
Again, at least BS9 is TRYING to learn!
(And for the record, BS9 is very good about rinsing dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, and I know he rinsed that bowl before he put it in there. I've been working on BS9 with all sorts of household chores, so the least DH could do is butt out and not get so bent out of shape over stuff like this!)
I wish he'd direct some of that attitude toward his own lazy, sloppy kids, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon.
He got on YOUR kid??? I don't
He got on YOUR kid??? I don't see this marriage lasting, frankly, NCgal. Wayyyy too lopsided.
I'm lucky in this regard. DH
I'm lucky in this regard. DH didn't realize what little heathens his kids were until I came into the picture. Instead of being butt hurt about it, he started parenting better. Not that he was doing badly by any means means, but there were certain things he and BM had always done that he thought were normal. (Like not making the skids pick up after themselves because they're "just kids." Or carrying SS6 to the breakfast table and waiting on him hand and foot because he didn't know he was even capable of pouring a bowl of cereal.)
Your DH projecting al lthe blame on you is, like someone else pointed out, a copout. It sounds like he just doesn't want t obother parenting his child.
My SO tends to throw it in my
My SO tends to throw it in my face when I correct SD8 and her horrible behavior. He had her full time for about a year before we moved in together so when she is acting up and I comment, he says, "but she is so much better than she was". Um was she a wild animal that you threw meat at in a cage because this is not anything close to good behavior. He feels bad him and BM divorced so he has guilt and tries to be her best friend and it is so obvious she needs a parent. She knows better than to backtalk me becuase I have laid down the law in my house and expect to be treated with respect but she is a total brat with him because he allows it. And I'm going to throw this out there and it is so mean... Of course I think my child is pretty, she is such a cute girl inside and out. His kid is very awkward and looks like something from Deliverance. She gets that from that white bar trash mama of hers and when I look at her that is all I see. Oh that felt so good to get off my chest!
He followed up with another
He followed up with another gem later in the evening: "But their teachers always say what good kids they are! I don't get it, ncgal! Their Sunday school teachers like them, too!"
This leads me to believe that he thinks the problem lies ultimately with ME, not the skids.
I told him that their teachers see them for a few hours a day, and their Sunday school teachers for an hour every other week. Combined with a whole room full of other kids. It's a totally different environment, and they're not these kids' stepmom. I do believe that makes a difference, both in the way the skids act around them and in the way these teachers perceive them.
He's deperately reaching out for something - ANYthing - to help him continue to believe that his kids are perfect little snowflakes, and that I'M the one with the problem.
It's funny you mention the
It's funny you mention the "other people " rant, how everyone else has no problem with them. Another woman on here a while back and myself used a trick people seemed to like with our steps. 1.Encourage some activity where other kids/adults are present. 2. Gently later on point out how horrifically, ermmm, "different" the SK's act. When CTBB36 was little he had legitimate problems, I was told like so many others that I was the one w/ a problem and CTBB was a perfect , speshul little star. You can dissipate this somewhat with a dose of reality. "Honey, did you notice how all the kids were playing tg and CTBB just mowed down the box of doughnuts, leaving none for everyone else'? that sort of thing.
Oh yeah, got the same
Oh yeah, got the same "reinforcement" here too. For awhile the teachers, day care workers said his ferals were "good kids" which is code for "I can't find anything specific that's good about them--they are horrors!" Kind of like a landlord who wants to get rid of a problem tenant by telling a prospective landlord that they are "good tenants."
Funny, on the report card it always mentions "not working to ability" or "is disruptive in class" or "lack of attendance affecting grades" none of which has EVER been addressed for 10 years now.
I really didn't know what
I really didn't know what else to say. In saying I was sorry that things turned out the way they did, in a way I really meant that I was sorry his kids turned out to be such rude, nasty little pests...though I didn't want to come out and say it that way.
I'm sorry we can't both be on the same page when it comes to parenting. I'm sorry he refuses to expect anything out of his kids. I'm just...sorry about a lot of things right now.
Maybe he is starting to see
Maybe he is starting to see what you see. Maybe he is beginning to understand that his kids do have issues and that he has created monsters.
Sure, but if that was the case, he would have made SS7 clean up his own mess.
It's rare that DH makes his
It's rare that DH makes his kids clean anything up. He just goes behind them and does it for them, and with three of them, as messy as they are, it's a full-time job for him.
BM is a slob and doesn't clean up after herself, either. I saw her at an event at the skids' school once. She had a cup in her hand. Once she finished her drink, she just tossed it in the grass. Nasty ass woman. Nice example to set, there, BM.
Another comment I hear often
Another comment I hear often is "All kids act this way." Uh, no. They don't.
I'm not saying my kids are perfect - God knows they're not - but if you watch my son in the kitchen, he's very different from the skids. Our ice maker does tend to spit ice out at you sometimes, and it often lands on the floor. DS9 will put his cup down, pick up the ice off the floor, and put it in the sink. Takes all of five seconds. He has no problem with this and never has to be told to do it because I've expected both of my children, from the time they were very small, to clean up after themselves. If you make a mess, you clean it up. I thought that was a simple, logical concept, but when it comes to DH and the stepkids, it obviously isn't.
DH spends a LOT of his nights and weekends going around the house and picking up behind his kids. I don't. I don't do it for mine, and I'm certainly not going to do it for his.
If I do find a mess that one of my kids made, I immediately call them in there to clean it up, and they do. It doesn't happen very often, but sometimes it does, and I NEVER clean it up.
Why is this such a horrible thing to expect of your children? I just don't get it, but it does build more resentment in me toward the skids, and make disengagement a practice I plan to continue as long as they can't clean anything up. DH may not like it, and he may continue to be sad that I pointed out what nasty, messy little brats they are, but he's just going to have to get over it.
The thing that stands out is
The thing that stands out is that this is about your differing expectations of your children, not to do with innate differences in the children. Lazy and unhelpful is not in their DNA, they have been trained to be that way. I imagine if your children had a parent trailing round after them who never expected them to clean up after themselves they would behave just as DH's do. So the only logical target of the resentment is the parent who is happy for his children to be that way, and is teaching his children to be lazy and rely on others to do everything for them. Maybe instead of criticising the children 'SS is so lazy and messy' 'I can't believe he left that mess on the floor' try criticising DH 'why are you preventing SS from learning to take care of himself?' 'how is SS going to know to clean up the floor next time if you're going to do it for him?'.
I used to hear that
I used to hear that ALL.THE.TIME!! "This is just normal kid behaviour" Uh, no, my bios were TAUGHT not to act that way by ME!
Oh and daddykins would grovel around picking up after his heathens. Then he would say "they're JUST KIDS" and "I ENJOY doing things for my kids" as well as "I'm a GOOD DAD!" (who are you trying to convince?)
But I got a taste of the double standsrd when my grown son stayed with us for a few months just before entering the Air Force. Guilty Daddy went out of his WAY to try and FIND something wrong that my extremely well behaved and courteous son was doing. He couldn't find anything so he started to make things up: "Awesome son drained the battery on the mower!"
Really? The very same mower that has had a bad battery for MONTHS before my son even showed up??
Oh no. No no no no no. I
Oh no. No no no no no. I have a son who is not quite TWO and he has spilled things (obviously). I give him a paper towel and say "Clean up!" with a smile, and he does it. (I will say that I also have a 5 year old who just this week refused to clean up his toy cars. They all went in time out, and they are STILL in time out.) No freaking way would I be cleaning up after them like that at 7 with no consequences!
*sigh* On the other hand, at least he doesn't seem to expect YOU to be the one cleaning up. If he's not going to parent, that's all you can ask for I guess, that you not have to be the one dealing with it.
I didn't read all the other
I didn't read all the other responses, but it sounds like your DH is pretty lazy and thinks it is just easier to pick up after SS than actually PARENT him. No offense; my DH is the same way. He would rather carry SD6 out to the car every morning than make her get up and get dressed and walk out to the car. They take the easy way out. Problem is, they aren't teaching these kids anything and they are raising dependent brats who can't do anything for themselves.
I think your DH made the comment because you are probably the first one who has pointed out his kids' faults. I am in the same boat as you.
I wouldn't know how to
I wouldn't know how to respond but DA-YUM you must have wicked epic aim to knock the rose-colored shades off his face!
Reality check: No normal
Reality check: No normal parent is going to react kindly to being told their child is bad.
If you need to discuss behavior, remember that and be sensitive to that.
When you have to correct behavior, focus the criticism on behavior, never making a negative reference toward the child's character.
Also, balance the criticism with praise. You will find everybody involved much less defensive if you have more positive to say than negative. Even if you can find very little, be creative and search out the good.
Honestly, your husband sounds very sad and you do too. I often say...having been around the stepfamily block myself...that stepfamilies are really against human nature, and therefore they usually end up making everybody very sad.
IMHO the ice cube mess on the
IMHO the ice cube mess on the floor is not the issue. The issue is that DH was cleaning it up instead of having SS-7 clean it up. Parents mitigating every little detail issue for their children is what is at the heart of blended family tensions in my opinion and even at the heart of many of the social issues that the younger generations unleash on society.
Rather than focus on the greater good of the family and raising all of the kids to be viable adults the focus for the parents of children of broken or nonexistent homes focus on keeping their children from feeling any consequences or bad feelings about anything at all. Hence poor troubled children that run amok through schools shooting people because people tease them, etc.....
Not to say that your SSs will run amok through schools shooting people. But kids that are the product of parents who always clean up after them in life have a hard time when they don't make the baseball team, are not the top of their class, get a less than stellar performance appraisal at from their boss, etc.....
I have 6 adults in my house
I have 6 adults in my house and 4 dogs. I ask why did you not get the ice up, they say we where hoping the dogs would. For real! I'm sure he still has good kids. Boys are the worst (I have 3) BS18 SS18 BS22 and a SD20. And now my boys clean better than my very spoiled and selfish SD20. Tell the boys to pick up. Don't ask them will they. Just say pick up your (what ever) and put it (where ever it belongs). If they get rude to you, tell your husband you are not his maid, his childrens maid and that wasnt what you signed up for when you signed that marriage certificate. Dont be rude, dont yell just state fact and walk away. Leave him standing with his mouth open.
Don't back down, calmly
Don't back down, calmly correct, when people turn things around on you, after a while we start to feel resentment and feel poorly about ourselves. Don't allow your spouse to make you the problem with his children.
I am only a Step mom for 8 months now to SD9. I see this, its not nearly this lopsided as I don't have children of my own. When I privately pointed out to Bio-Dad that she was using emotional blackmail to manipulate him, he would get defensive. She likes to bring up her BM stories right before bedtime (so he will let her stay up late) or when she is in trouble for not doing something (distract and then get away with it). DH used to defend her until I convinced him to make a note of these things just to himself for a week... A week later I received an apology for being called too strict and being catty.