I don't understand why I feel this way
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I'm crazy about BF. And I truly do adore his 5 year old son. But when I see BF adoring him and showing him attention/affection I hate it. I can't explain it. Can anyone help me understand WHY I feel this way, and HOW I can overcome this? It's preventing me from being happy, and I honestly want a happy future with these two. I feel like it's all me. I've read three step parenting books and posted on numerous forums. It's been almost a year, and I really want to make this work.
It's jealousy, plain and
It's jealousy, plain and simple, and I think it has an evoluntionary/biological basis. Watching your significant other lavish attention on a child that isn't yours fosters jealousy because he's not doting on YOUR offspring.
I really believe it's a biologically-based reaction. Not everybody agrees with that, but that's the way I see it, and I can totally relate. I get a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see DH do that with his kids, too. I try to ignore it, but it's still there.
I think it's normal and it
I think it's normal and it isn't necessarily biologically based.
How many men have a hobby that drives their women crazy with anger/hurt feelings/jealousy? The DH who spends every spare penny he has fixing up his hot rod... The BF who has a boat docked at the marina that he goes to every spare moment he has... The DF who constantly obsesses about his fantasy football league but can't remember his woman's birthday...
Feeling upset while we watch a man completely adore something that is not *us* is probably fairly normal. Now make that thing he obsesses about a skid with another woman, not a hobby. And well, hard feelings galore.
Makes complete sense, I just
Makes complete sense, I just wish I knew how to change this jealousy. BF gives me plenty of attention and he is very affectionate, not lacking in that department at all. And I still feel the resentment. I hate these feelings.
This kind of jealousy is
This kind of jealousy is innate and primal that has to do with HIS offspring that isn't yours....Children you and he have together won't produce those emotions.
Bullshit.
When my exH had one foot out the door (or, as what was really going on in my situation, he had one penis stuck in the neighbor's vagina), my exH used to glowingly DOTE on our DDthen5. FAWN all over her. HEAP loads of attention and affection her way while freezing me out. I felt jealous until I realized what was really going on (his affair was causing a distance from me that he was filling at home by being overly-attentive to our 5 year old).
Sometimes men are just assholes and refuse to fully participate in an adult relationship (which can be difficult, messy, and at times maddening due to the constant compromise and cooperation required) because relationships with children, or hobbies, or other "escapes" (i.e. sports) are more one-sided and easy by comparison.
sueu2 likes to shame-blame SMs, and sometimes she's right. But not on this one.
You are absolutely,
You are absolutely, unequivocally, 10000000% SPOT ON. I every potential stepparent would read your post before committing in marriage. Especially stepmoms.
I feel exactly the same way.
I feel exactly the same way. My partner goes over the top wnd practically begs for their love and attention so much that it makes me cringe at times. How do you get over this? I thought i was the only one. Ibhate it when dp lies on the sofa cuddling dss or dsd. Why is this?
I don't know how you can get
I don't know how you can get over the feelings, but you are not alone! I have been with DH for 4 years and still feel annoyed when SD is hanging all over him. I'm not really even sure if it's jealousy or what it is. When I think about it, I don't feel jealous per-say, but I guess it is just something about your DH having a child with another woman. You certainly wouldn't be annoyed if your DH was being affectionate with the child you 2 had together. I know for me it's definitely the other woman issue. I don't feel annoyed when DH is being affectionate with our niece, friend's kids, the dog, or anyone else- just SD.
I often have these feelings
I often have these feelings too. When DH got over the honeymoon phase he stopped telling me he loved me and cringed any time I tried to touch him. He would say that he just wasn't the sort of person who liked to cuddle, he needed space, or saying "I love you" too much would make it less meaningful. Yet he doted on SS(then4) to the point where his relatives commented on how spoiled the kid was. He even insisted on SS sleeping in bed with us so he could snuggle him all night!
Things have changed now, but it was hard and it took years. I told him how I felt and we worked on it. Plus SS is getting older and wanting more independence. These feelings still crop up once in a while, but spending time doing family activities has really helped me. Now that I have memories of riding roller-coasters together, teaching SS to play card games, SS teaching me to play video games, he is no longer just a brat who sucks attention from me.
Also, I don't think this is just a skid thing. I remember my mom yelling at my dad when I was a kid that we were in a little club that she wasn't a part of. I hated her for it at the time, but it was true. I was closer with my dad than my mom, and he was more affectionate with me than he was with her. This makes me agree 100% that your marriage needs to come before your kids. It's better for everyone including the kids.
Really consider your future
Really consider your future carefully! That feeling of jealousy is completely natural. I get it everytime my DH goes near his 2 kids (who live with us full time, so there's no escape!) . For me it does have to do with the BM, also I hate always having to share my time with DH with his kids. He's not very good at creating couple time because he doesn't want to make his kids feel neglected. And when I try to create it, he'll usually find an excuse not to do it.
I found the jealousy so maddening (and it turned into bitterness and resentment) that I had to leave my husband. Since we've been separated I've felt more calm and more myself than I have since the day we got married! I feel secure and whole again. So please please please think about your relationship carefully, because I promise you, it does not get easier.