SD not wanting to take anything to BM house
(I hope I got all the acronyms right...)
My 10-yr-old step-daughter (SD?) refuses, flat out refuses, to take anything my husband and I give her back to her biological mother's house. She purposely won't mix clothes in her bag. She won't take stuffed toys or games from Christmas/Easter/Birthday whatever back. This has been going on only since last summer, when she moved out of state with her mother and we went to court for a lengthy legal battle.
Even if we tell her they are her toys and she can do as she pleases with them (here or there, doesn't matter), she leaves things with us. She does have a plane trip between the houses now, but even if she has plenty of room to take toys back (we never get anything that couldn't travel on a plane) she won't.
I gave up thinking about it, since it wasn't an issue I thought to push, but this past weekend (Easter) my mother gave her a really cool puzzle that my SD really really really wanted to to work on. It was a 3-D optical illusion thing with animals- everything a 10 year old thinks is cool. And my SD thought long and hard about it (I could SEE her thinking) and she went back and forth a couple of times putting it in her take home bag, and then taking it out. She ended up leaving it here when I told her we could work on it over summer (it is 500+ pieces and not a day-project) and then frame it if she wanted.
Why would she not want to take any toys back? She even leaves any birthday money or gifts she buys herself at our house. It worries me about what may be happening at her biological mother's (BM?) house. Her only answer when I ask her why she leaves things is "'Cause I want to."
This is probably the opposite
This is probably the opposite of what people normally see. Most posters have an issue with skids taking things and never seeing them again; not the other way around.
It sounds like her BM is probably giving her some kind of grief over things she brings home with her; or makes a big deal about her not taking anything to your house. Idk .. not sure how you'd get to the bottom of it without creating more stress/drama with either SD or BM.
Just keep telling her she's free to take things back and forth if she wants, but don't pressure her.
SD leaves all of her things
SD leaves all of her things at our house. If she takes it to BM's she knows she wont' be able to bring it back. Plus SD's BM lives in a small apartment where SD & her half brother share a tiny room. Any toys that wont' fit in their little 'toy boxes' (little baskets) basically get thrown out, according to SD.
I could only WISH my SD would
I could only WISH my SD would leave her things here, as I know they'll be taken care of, but Daddy Dearest just lets it all go home with her..it gets wrecked or lost..and I know I've seen the last of it.
I used to love buying her nice things, making her room all girly and stuff, which she loved, but all she did was trash it. I cleaned out a closet for her to hang her things in..bought her a shelf to put her clothes on, etc. She never used any of them and just throws her stuff all over the place.
I've seen so many nice things I've bought her trashed and broken..it made me sick to my stomach but all Daddy says is, "She's just a kid..she'll get better.."
Um..yeah.
As she continues to get worse..she complains about no closet...no shelf space to put her clothes, etc. I got sick of it and decided to use the closet for better things. She didn't use it anyway.
She wants a room of her own. Tried that. Spent tons of time and money on a space she didn't appreciate. She still doesn't and I don't want to put my heart and soul into something she again, doesn't appreciate, so let her sit in a room with a few things on the wall. The rest of the stuff just got trashed anyway.
My hubby thinks I'm being stubborn and she's "just a kid". He continues with, "It's natural for kids to wreck things..they don't mean to.."
That means throwing things on the floor including lamps because "they're in her way" on a table she wants to use to put her soda and feet on? A shelf that she shoves into a corner that she doesn't use?
I'm done...
Anyone else been there??
If there are other children
If there are other children or pets or general state of disarray at BMs then it may well be that things are broken or simply not kept as nice as when they stay at yours. At yours she knows she can have things when she wants to use them.
Or like others have said, perhaps its that BM has made it clear to SD that she has two households and her things are to remain at each household. If SD is happy to leave stuff with you then let her, yes it can be irritating if theres things she wants to use but then you dont see her for a long time and by which time its forgotten about but its one of those things that you cant force her.
I have had this both ways.
I have had this both ways. Anything SDs bring to BMs is sure to never be seen again unless it's something that goes back and forth like sports equipment/sneakers/school bags. However, SDs are pretty careful about what they bring to BMs. I never really asked, just always told them that community stuff had to stay (art stuff, community toys, the wii) but that stuff of their own was theirs. SD once told me "that's ok, I know if I leave it here I will be able to find it and it won't be broken next time I want it."
Thank you all. I have a
Thank you all. I have a feeling that her half-sister at the BM's house gets into her stuff a lot, and SD has told me that the BM and step-father (I will learn the acronyms!) go through her room a lot to see what is there.
Part of me wishes she would take stuff back because by the time we see her again (we see her once a month for a weekend unless a school break or summer), she has out-grown her clothes or (tacky me) wants her to show off her nicer clothes since I know her BM and step-dad cannot afford the nicer things.
I suppose I think too much about it. A lot of our custody battle last year was based on a psychologist report of possible mental/emotional abuse at the BM's house. The report was thrown out of court though (sadly) because the psychologist never had a chance to meet with the BM or her husband (since they lived out of state and refused to phone interview). Rant over.
I would suspect that BM is
I would suspect that BM is doing some programming with her and making her feel guilty about gifts you guys give her. She may feel she will betray her mother if she brings over your toys/gifts and openly enjoys them.
You may want to help her learn independent thinking skills - easier said than done.
One of many things could be
One of many things could be going on:
- She could get scolded if she brought anything back - asked a million questions
- Be made to share with other siblings - my SM use to make me do this if my mom bought me anything
- Or, it might "disappear" when it got back to BM. This happens with Ss. He loves Pokemon cards, so we buy them for him, his Bm and step dad throw them away.
Our BM used to throw out
Our BM used to throw out anything she found that came from our house, including clothing, toys, etc. She didn't "need that trash" from dads.
this is pretty typical from
this is pretty typical from what ive read. when kids bring things home, often times the BM will make them feel guilty for it. tehy feel like they are betraying their mother if they enjoy items that dad (especially dad's new partner) gave them.
my SD will bring gifts her dad gives her back to BM's. but she wont take home baked goods or anything i make/do for her, although i havent done anything for her in over 3 months now.
My SD7 also refuses to take
My SD7 also refuses to take anything to BMs house. I think because BM and SF have said how stupid the things are that DH or I get her are. They also tell her how poor "your dad" is or things like "Thats all your dad can afford". Then have to compare what they have bought her "Isnt toy xyz so much better than that cheap one your dad bought". So I think SD knows she will get sad about how they talk about DH . I see that struggling back and forth look on her face often. The funny thing is we are definitely not poor. BM just likes to say negative things that SD just doesn't understand at her age yet.
Went we went to trail last
Went we went to trail last year, we tried hard to shelter SD from the negativeness of the trial and NEVER said anything about BM in front of her or the legal stuff. When our lawyer advised us that we were losing ground by not openly talking to her about our side of the issues we had a nice long talk. I learned that:
1. BM told SD that the reason she dated her dad (my husband) was because my husband got BM pregnant and she didn't want to be (with SD)(SD was 8 at the time she was saying this, and didn't understand completely... she was just repeating)
2. My husband is a millionaire (news to us!) and didn't love SD so that is why they never had money... he also "never paid child support" (he was nearly 2 years ahead at the time)
3. Me (the new wife) doesn't want kids and would rather not have to "deal with" SD (we've been doing infertility treatments for over a year then)
Amazing what lies people tell children. Blows my ever-lovin' mind.