I lost my Sh&t today. Was I wrong?
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My SS16 walked into our room this morning and said "dad, I want to take some pictures of me and you to send to BM." I immediately said "no, your dad can take pictures of you to send to your mom but your mom isn't married to your dad anymore and there isn't any reason to send pictures of your dad to your mom." My DH then told me I was out of line and said "he is my son ...,blah blah blah" I seriously lost it at that point and started yelling at him and asking if there was ANYTHING he was willing to stand up for me about or tell his kids no to.
I'm still so pissed off! Any input?
I get your feelings and
I get your feelings and completely agree but feel it could backfire to say this in front of SS. I like keeping these convos private between me and DH so that DH can step down from his high horse if he will, without losing face in front of his chil. On the other hand, your SS is 16 and might as well hear your view like it is. The open confrontation may flush out a solution.
At 16 you would have expected him to have more understanding that this is not going to go down well?
I would have had a similar
I would have had a similar reaction, but my DH would have backed me up. Sorry he's being unreasonable about it.
Early on, I covered the picture crap with my DH.
Let me also say that BM is a
Let me also say that BM is a psych bitch who has pas'd the kids for the last 10 years, callede a whore, bitch etc to everyone who would listen and basically made life a living HELL for me by teaching SD18 to try to destroy my marriage over and over again.
Right having heard this my
Right having heard this my reaction is entirely different. The guy at 16 is still mommy's little soldier. If DH backed him up on this issue I would regard this as a major betrayal. I think the only way you could get anything across to such a partner is a confrontation. But you should follow it up with a reappraisal of your adult relationship. You are now in a situation where 4 adults and near-adults are ganging up on you. What's in this for you?!?!?!!?!? :jawdrop:
The whole "He is my son..."
The whole "He is my son..." Excuse doesn't fly in this situation, OP. It pisses me off. YES, he is your DH's son, but his mother is your DH's EX. The sooner your DH AND his son accept this fact and respect YOUR marriage, the happier everyone will be.
I'm wondering if BM put him up to this?
I think it shows bad
I think it shows bad parenting on both BM & your DH's part if their 16 yr old still thinks this is appropriate. A 6 year old? Sure. Maybe they're confused. At 16, you should be able to understand how inappropriate this is.
LOL..I get a kick out of the
LOL..I get a kick out of the words, "step-tard"!!
As this is a very a sore subject, it makes for an extremely long vent. For those patient enough to read it..thanks..:)
BM and I get along fine, although she'll take every opportunity to take advantage of her "woos" of an ex. He's told me that he doesn't want to argue with her, as if he does, she will make his life a living hell.
His "woosiness" has involved us getting the kids a day earlier than planned many times, and when he's asked me and I've said no, we always get this, "Well there are going to be a lot of hurt feelings if you don't.." from BM. One time she went so far as telling SS12 at the time to call his dad and see if they could come early. I immediately said no because I was tired of the constant change of plans. Well, BM then called him back and proceeded on with her, "Well there are going to be a lot of hurt feelings..blah blah blah" crap and then wanted us to meet them at a local shopping mall...that the kids just wanted to say hi to Daddy and I.
Got there and BM started in with her hurt feelings bullcrap while her and her hubby went out to the car for US to deal with things with the two kiddos. This resulted in my hubby having to take SD to another section of the store and explain things to her..that we weren't ready for them since bedding always has to be changed at the last minute (due to her allergies) and our dryer had taken a crap that morning. Was all the truth but of course, I came out looking like the bad guy while I had to stay back with SS and explain things to HIM.
Ended up with SD in tears..Daddy feeling like a complete "shit" for having to tell them no..and me, of course, looking like the big meanie. Kiddos were upset with ME of course and the first two days of their visit with us turned into both SKS giving me the cold shoulder. Oh well...
We finally had a meeting with the family while both hubby and I explained to them that since they lived out of town and had made plans with Grandma for the first day of their visit here..it wasn't very nice to change those plans and that we needed to stick to the planned schedule from here on in.
Had a chat with SD later in the visit after she'd cooled her jets and she told me that BM mom and Grandma were upset and blamed the whole lack of early visitation all on ME of course..and told the kiddos that if it weren't for ME..Daddy would have taken them.
Bottom line, I knew it was because they wanted to go gambling..and thus wanted to unload the kids early. It's always something!!
Whatever. This had gone on long enough as during previous visitations, she would go so far as to not only take the SKS out of school to see their Dad and I two days early,(which I didn't agree with), but would also get them excused half a day early because they couldn't wait. When her and her hubby lived closer to town, she once went so far as to show up with the kids in the hotel lobby we were staying at (when hubby and I lived out of State and had driven over 12 hours!!) at 1 am..claiming she had to come into town anyway for a trip to the grocery store.
Yep..surrre!! Daddy ended up passing out and I had to stay up with the kiddos until 5 am.
So yeah..blowing a gasket comes in handy at times..we all need to set some boundaries.
Why are our men such woosies when it comes to their ex's?? I have gone around and around with him soo many times with the fact that she is no longer his wife and he needs to strap on a pair? One time BM went so far as to ask SD if Daddy would record himself singing, "Blue Suede Shoes" for all of them..using the excuse that SD would sleep much better after a visit with Daddy if she could listen to him sing that as she went to sleep.
HUH?? I don't think so!!
Oh..the list has gone on and on over the past three years since hubby and I have been married. SS15 keeps both ears open on what we spend on SD12 as he stays behind. Last year we had SD for a few weeks and because she was in a growth spurt, she needed a bunch of new clothes. In addition, BM stops at nothing every school year for my hubby to help pay for school supplies, although I believe the $750 of child support he pays monthly should be more than ample, yet woosie woose hubby gives in every year!!
Had a small discussion with SD about it last year when she said that she needed school supplies and BM had told her that we ALWAYS pitch in. I knew Disney Daddy wouldn't say anything so I asked, "Well..your dad DOES pay child support honey...that should help some.." and her reply was, "Well Mom says that goes for groceries.."
I wanted to laugh my butt off.
That woman will stop at nothing!!
In addition to Daddy helping pay for school supplies, and INCLUDING new clothes for his growing daughter..his SS keeps a running total and goes so far as to say to Dad, "What did you spend on her?" thinking HE should get the same...NOT in clothes..but in the "cashola" so he can buy whatever HE wants in computer supplies, etc.
Are you kidding me?? I've mentioned to hubby that things that SD NEEDS should NOT count towards things SS WANTS and that, should he need new jeans, shoes, socks, underwear, etc. THOSE are the things he should get and NOT get to keep a running total so he can get the stuff he WANTS..
Of course Disney Daddy says, "He's always been like that.." and just keeps "buying into" SS's financial games, and thus, we end up spending TWICE as much!!
HOW COMPLETELY INSANE!!!
Last time we had the kiddos, SS15 came downstairs from our storage room and made a comment about all the things I'd bought saying, "Oh..now you're collecting ARTWORK??! Started out with a baker's rack..and now you're buying ARTWORK??" My reply was, "If your Daddy didn't smoke in here as he said he'd quit..the ARTWORK would be hanging on the wall..and since I bought it with my OWN money..I didn't realize it was your concern.."
This came with a roll of SS's eyes and a "Pffft.." as Disney Daddy pretended to (and probably DIDN'T hear a word of the conversation as he sat immersed in his internet).
In addition, SD12 continues to walk into our bedroom in the middle of the night telling Disney Daddy she can't sleep and would he come and sit with her for a bit. I find this more than a bit ridiculous at 12 years old yet more understandable as neither kiddos get to see their dad as often as they should being that they live 6 hours away.
HOWEVER, I do not agree with her just turning the handle on our closed bedroom door and just walking in during the middle of the night while Disney Daddy gets up and crawls into a sleeping bag next to her bed until she falls asleep. I put up with it when she was younger but it's gotten worse as NOW..when she wakes up and finds Daddy not there..she comes back a second time.
All in all, it's just unacceptable, yet him being an "absent Daddy" for months on end..what can I say??
The list goes on and on...
Don't get me wrong..I love my step kiddos to pieces!! Is it just that I have no kids of my own and am not used to having kids around? Am I expecting too much??
And I thought that being a stepmom would be SUCH a joy!!
:jawdrop:
I see no problem if SS16 has
I see no problem if SS16 has a picture of himself that he likes that just "happens" to have DH in it that he sends to his mom. It's not like I monitor pictures for goodness sakes. But to walk in and ask for a photo session with DH for the "sole purpose" of sending them to BM is highly inappropriate in my mind.
Too bad the kid didn't say he
Too bad the kid didn't say he wanted to display it in his bedroom or Facebook page it would have changed the whole complexion.
At first I wasn't too sure but when you enlightened us to her previous behavior what you did was certainly understandable and it does sound like she set him up to do this. Don't apologize and if it comes up again remind everyone including the kid if he's around how you've been treated.
How about if you take the pictures of both of them with Dad holding a picture of you to his heart?
Next time they go out somewhere the pictures will be taken and that will be the end of it if they're smart enough to keep their mouths shut.
^^^ THIS,.
^^^ THIS,.
I really don't think BM had
I really don't think BM had anything to do with it. I think it was just a thoughtless request that had DH backed me up on as being inappropriate would have been no big deal. It was the fact that DH did NOT back me up, and in fact undermined me and attacked me over it that was the problem. Totally ruined Easter for me. I'm sitting in church thinking thoughts like "fuck them all" instead of enjoying one of the holiest days of the year. FML
I'm going to show these
I'm going to show these responses to DH so keep them coming!
I would have said the same
I would have said the same thing. However, my dh would have said it first.
That is wrong on so many
That is wrong on so many levels.
Firstly - WTF is your 16yo SS doing just barging in to your room - do you not even have boundaries about that??? This is to your husband. Does your wife deserve NO privacy? No respect? WHY in the world do you allow this man-child in her personal space? Man up and keep the kid OUT of your wife's space - she deserves better.
Secondly - that this "child" (and at 16 I use the term loosely) would a. come into your room while you and your WIFE are in bed together and demand a photo sess. to send pics to his MOTHER (remember her? YOUR EX?) Think about ALL the boundaries that have been crossed, the disrespect inherent in EVERY part of what your kid did. And at 16 - you can bet your arse he knows what he was doing. Wrong.
Thirdly - YOU. Please do not even attempt to tell us that you don't know what your kid did was so out of line. And to not stand up and say what your wife did before she even had to was your first mistake. Then to not support her and back her up when she did say it - OMG - if you were mine you would be sleeping elsewhere for a damned long time.
Grovel, think long and hard about how you just undermined your marriage for your EX wife, and make this right.
Yeah this is just messed up!
Yeah this is just messed up! Why would your husband agree to have his pic sent to his ex?!!! Ohh he 'doesn't want to upset his kid!?" What a load of crap. Why can't these parents say NO? That's all it is, he doesn't want to hurt his kid's feelings."
I would tell my husband that I'll send some pics of myself to another man and see how fast he changes his mind
I'm really glad I have you
I'm really glad I have you guys because the guilt trip is being laid on thick. He has avoided me all day and SS and he are hanging out having a great time together today. Same shit as always . Them against me. I'm so tired of my life in this marriage. This was the 2 nod major blowup over his kids this week. If I find the emotional energy I'll share the SB (step bitch because I can't use the word daughter in the same sentence with her ) saga later .
Step moms are not chamber
Step moms are not chamber maids to be barged in on! They are adults not siblings, they desereve respect. But not a standing male to say "Hello Happy Easter please excuse....etc" Get a life already! Your own child would not rouse you from sleep this way, why expect anyone else too? Who cares if BM sees dad and kid together? They are broken up? You are are a couple and a family, why have a threat or block about it? Is BM stalking Dad? If so seperate issue. If she still loves him, let her eat her heart out! Best revenge is living well! I fail to see the crime in this post honestly. Dad and kid in a pic, what's the scandal?
I am quite sure BM over here
I am quite sure BM over here does not want a picture of my husband.
I am quite sure SD knows that BM does not want a picture of my husband.
I know for a fact that my husband does want BM to have any pictures of him, do to what she wishes with them. He does want his picture showing up on FB or anywhere else.
We are in marriage counseling
We are in marriage counseling with our pastor and even HE said that I was right!
I would totally do the family
I would totally do the family photo session if my BM wasn't the craziest person I ever met. I had an open discussion with a mutual friend's facebook one night. Get this. Not even a half hour later, SS20 was hysterical. His mother had just called because she threw herself down the stairs. N-U-T-S.
Anyway, your DH is totally in the wrong. Basically, he told you that he is concerned for his son's feelings and doesn't give a shit about yours..I'd say, take Cat's advice. He doesn't respect you as his partner so go make yourself happy. You don't need to be a tool to anybody, divorced with kids or not.