I need help!!!
So first of all I have never been one to join a forum let a lone a forum where I would put all my personal family drama out for the world to see but I need some serious advice and don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. So how about a bunch of strangers LOL. First I will give everyone a little background, I have been divorced for 3 years now, and I have two beautiful daughters from my first marriage. I have dated very little in the time since my divorce and have NEVER brought anyone that I dated around my daughters. UNTIL....October of last year, I was fortunate to meet a wonderful man who I will fully admit I feel in love with right away. He is an amazing man and is wonderful to me and my girls. He also has two wonderful daughters who is an amazing father to also. In February we decided to make a huge jump and move in together, was it the best decision nope lol but unfortunately it was something that we feel would help all of us including the kids who before this were best friends and loved being with each other. Well I guess real life has set in now....and things aren't as happy kum by yah as I thought they would be. I have taken on 90% of the day to day things with all four kids, but mainly my step kids (I guess that's what I would say they are) from dropping off and picking up at school, to cooking dinner and arranging play dates. We have his daughters about 85% of the time. On the other hand I am in a nasty nasty custody battle with my ex husband and only have my daughters every other weekend during the school year. When my daughters are here I do not show any favoritism towards anyone I make everything fair. But on the same token his daughters are getting a lot of special treatment for example, my daughters share the smallest room in the house because his youngest REFUSED to move rooms. I let that go and said "no of course we cant make her change rooms, theres enough changes going on in the house" that has kinda been my mantra with his daughters. But I am getting to my breaking point, while I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off this afternoon trying to get everyone where they needed to be, work my crazy stressful job, take my daughter to the doctor and get everyone feed, plus look like I at least attempted to take care of myself, my youngest step daughter told me that "we should just move out" then started running around my bed room yelling "get off my property". I was crushed, she would not even give me 5 minutes to cry after everything I do this is what she says?!?! Really...okay but I put on my happy face and go sit at her softball game cheering her on with his ex and her entire family there. On the way home the youngest then asks if she can have a sleep over tomorrow night and of course we say YES, well the oldest would like one too, so now I have two more kids coming over to my house but when I say we should let me kids invite someone over his girls pitch a fit. So again I drop it thinking yea that's way to many kids in the house anyway. What finally did me in tonight was when the youngest announced that she did want my kids to play with her friend and her tomorrow. I was angry and hurt, and done with the whole thing. I don't know what to do and this is just what happened TODAY. I have more and more but today was the final straw. I feel lost and alone, I could never tell my boyfriend how I feel because it would only hurt him. How do I make the girls respect me and my girls, how do I make our new family work? Someone please help me, I don't know how long I can keep this up..
You've made all the common
You've made all the common mistakes but please don't take that as an insult. It's impossible for most of us to foresee what often comes next in these situations. And hey sometimes they do work out well.
I'm not so sure the problem is the kids as much as it is your boyfriend. You can talk to him about being more involved. You didn't mention his work or the ages of the kids.
Don't feel bad about giving this up. You've given it a try and it's not working. It can't help but be better for you, your work and your kids not to mention the fight with your husband if you could concentrate on your problems and children alone.
My generic advise to divorced parents is to not combine households. See your boyfriend on date nights but maintain your home and have him over when the kids are not around. Studies are showing that children who do not have a step-parent do better in all phases of their lives. If you read around this Forum you can find countless stories of children doing just fine until the step-parent moved in and it all went to hell and often never returned.
I think if you would do better in your custody fight if you could make the claim that your children would be your priority without the distraction of step-children.
Moving in as quick as you did
Moving in as quick as you did could have a huge impact on your custody battle. Once his kids start giving your kids hell, your ex will have even more ammunition to use against you in court.
Moving out and just dating this guy may be in your best interest right now.
Trust me my ex cant say
Trust me my ex cant say anything about how quickly I moved in, he was remarried less then 6 months after our divorce was final. And not to the woman who he moved in with when I asked for the divorce, there were three woman he lived with in that time. But thank you I did look into if that would impact our case the only thing he could try to do is ask for a background check on my BF. I have done a lot of research in regards to getting my girls back because no matter who I am taking care of I will always put them first and getting them to come home.
Well to answer a few
Well to answer a few questions, my BF is a plumber and works a lot of course seeing that he is 100% commission, his girls are 8 & 10. Unfortunalty I had a situation where I was living with my parents who sold their house and downsized so it made sense for us to move in here since I was here all the time as it was and paying a mortgage on two houses seemed stupid and a waste of our limited resources. My ex started this custody battle over a year ago long before I was seeing anyone and the only reason my ex has done any of this is so that he did not have to pay child support. Long story but he really doesn't even BDs at all never has it all comes down to the dollar. I have thought about taking my daughters away fro a weekend so that everyone gets a break. I spent HOURS reading a lot of the posts on here last night and also a lot of research on line. Could this all be just an adjustment phase for the girls. No my BF does not see any of this because they always act out when he isn't home, when he is home they are angles and wonderful kids. The four girls are great friends and love being together and playing together. It is ME they are acting out against mainly. Could this all just be that they are testing ME to see where my boundaries are with them?
Ok. You are committed
Ok. You are committed yes?
So, time to roll up your sleeves and get serious with your BF about how the parenting is going to happen.
You need a plan honey.
I recommend reading "Step-parenting - Everything you need to know to make it work" by Jeanette Lofas.
Then you need to sit and have a very frank and serious discussion with your OH.
There NEEDS to be changes made in your household.
And the first one should be that little brat moving out of her room and your girls sharing a larger one. (this may sound cruel, but my feeling is she thinks she is holding all the power at the moment, you wanted something, she pitched a fit and got her way and now she is running rings around you trying to control the household. Kid needs to learn that you and daddy have the power and she's JUST A KID)
You also need to TELL your OH, now this will be hard - but you need to gently tell him exactly how this kid is behaving towards you - what she did today etc. Give examples. Tell him that you are trying so hard, you are doing all this stuff but at the moment the kid is undermining you etc. You need a parenting plan, that you and your OH both agree upon, so that the next time she behaves that way you have already got a plan in place to deal with it - so that YOU feel empowered to step up and TELL HER OFF! That little brat is testing you and you need to have her fathers support and then she needs telling.
Next time she does it you tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and that she is going to have whatever consequence.
Also, kick those kids out of YOUR room. It sounds like you moved in with him, so MAKE CHANGES in that house, make it YOURS. And your room is off limits to all kids.
Oh - and as for the sleepover - what the heck - two more will not matter any (trust me on this - we've done it!!) So, if it's not too late organise friends for your kids as well.
I have two younger dd's (11 and
and two skids - sd13 and ss10. We bit the bullet and did a mass sleepover here a few times now - SO much easier than allowing two and not the other two. That will NEVER work and it's not fair on yours to miss out. You either do one kid sleepover at a time or do all, it's like a mass party - but fun! All the kids have a ball. Yes, it may seem like chaos, but really - when you think on it - six v eight - not a lot of difference!
Wait, why should the kids who
Wait, why should the kids who are only there EOWE get the the bigger room? His kids are there 85% of the time.
The OP moved into her BF's home. How many step parents here would agree to move their bios out of the bigger room and give it to their stepkids?
I think Luchay's plan is will result in his kids going after your kids. Your BF will step in and protect/defense his children.
because two of them are
because two of them are SHARING the smaller room.
Her kids are only the four
Her kids are only the four days a month. His kids are there 85% of the time. Plus it's his house so his kid should have the larger room.
Meh - different strokes. What
Meh - different strokes.
What happens if she gets custody of hers? 50/50 even?
Do her kids have rights then?
I have to be honest. If I
I have to be honest. If I owned the house, I would not force my kids to change rooms to accommodate my SKs. SKs do not have rights in my home.
This. I own this home, and it
This. I own this home, and it is my kid's only home. No way no day will I ever compromise on her room for a skid. Ever.
then you both have no
then you both have no business moving these people into your lives. So the skids always get treated like second class citizens because it's YOUR house?
Grossly unfair.
I think THAT breeds resentment.
But as I said different strokes.
Only my DH moved in. It's OK.
Only my DH moved in. It's OK. Really.
Yes, it does depend on the
Yes, it does depend on the home. SD had her own room when she was here, as did SS when he visited. I'm not sure on whose part that bred resentment, but yes that whole different strokes thing.
sigh..... not getting into an
sigh.....
not getting into an argument with you honey.
And forcing his daughter to
And forcing his daughter to mover out of her room to accommodate the OP's kids will also breed resentment.
And yes, SKs will always be treated like second class citizens. Most people do not care for or love their SKs the same way they love their BKs. It's normal to want to give your bios the best that you can. Most step parents aren't willing to give their SKs better things than they give their BKs.
Besides, what happens if this relationship doesn't last and dad moves another woman with kids in? Should his kids have to bounce from room to room based on his current love interest?
I never moved other kids into my home(or moved someone else's into my home) while my son was a minor. I made it clear from the start that my son was my first priority. A SK would have never been a priority in my life.
Hey hun...ignore all the
Hey hun...ignore all the judgmental comments that want to tell you what you "shouldn't" have done and blah, blah, blah. Whether you should've moved in with you BF or not is irrelevant at this point anyway. Sounds like you are tied to him by your love for him. I am in the same situation. I have been married to my husband for almost two years and lived with him for one before that. That whole first year and for a few months after we were married, I kept my mouth shut while his 12 year old daughter played mini-wife and ran roughshod over me. The hardest thing I ever had to do was break it to my DH that I did not love his wittle spoiled princess nearly as much as he did. I broke it to him gently and he took it well, but we still struggle (see my blogs).
BUT I am not among the ones here that believe that turning into a harpy bitch with your SO is the way to go (though I have been that on occasion and still do every now and then). I believe in dealing with it myself whenever possible. You've got to develop a backbone with those stepdaughters and let them know it is a very, very dangerous thing to mess with the wicked stepmother.
For instance, my SD12 was disrespectful and made things difficult when she went shopping for clothes with my daughter and me... so now I don't buy her any piece of clothing unless her father is with us, no exceptions. He is not a good shopper, hates the whole experience, so lets just say her shopping experiences are not nearly as pleasant as they were when she could go shopping with the girls.
I used to do a lot of special, sweet things for her that I no longer do because she was such a little snot to me. Sorry...you don't get princess treatment from me unless you behave like a gracious princess.
Yes, our relationship is all to shit, but she is more careful to be respectful to me, at least to my face.
I think they key is to stop caring how she feels about you and insist on being treated with respect. That's just my two cents' worth.
LOL -yes, either walk away
LOL -yes, either walk away and don't give her an audience out, or just grab out the phone and start recording, with a little smile on your face, don't speak, just smile.