I thank all my comrades here for keeping me single! I'm serious, I come here regularly to set myself straight whenever I start thinking we can get married now. I have said things to him here and there, but have never let him have it about his son. I save things up and let them out slowly when the timing is appropriate. If it's something that directly affects me, I say something then. But the problem is that the bm is crazy, and he really does think he's doing the kid favors by trying to make his life perfect on his time. I know for a fact the kid lies, so I'm pretty sure he is exacerbating and exxagerating his mom's behavior when he complains to his dad because he knows he will get something out of it. My son decided pretty early on he didn't want to have anything to do with his son, and to me that's very telling. Kids often pick up on things that parents don't find out until later. And I've learned my son was dead on. Of course as parents, we HAVE to forgive our kids' crappy behavior and move on, but after we have disciplined and taught them right from wrong. Dad just doesn't see the kid's fault in anything. It's usually the bm's fault in his eyes, but you know how that is...even as he's telling me the story, I can see plain and clear it was the kid's fault. My bf doesn't tell me much at all (thank God!) and I'm largely disengaged, but when it's "my week," dangit, it's MY WEEK! LOL

OMG, that's another thing! He would go to the ends of the earth to do/buy for his kid. He's pretty thrifty, but not if it's for his kid. On top of that, he has to work tons of over time so he has more to spend. And of course he works all that over time on "my week." So annoying. I can't imagine being in your situation. You need to put a stop to that before your resentment builds up and it explodes.

Do I put it in the bathroom with his name on it, and pages marked with sticky notes?!

Oh, it's not his son's behavior that is keeping us from moving forward. I was a stepmom for 8 years. And in a relationship for 2 years with a dysfunctional dad w/ 3 kids where I learned a LOT about meeting my own needs and my kids' needs. I don't think I would marry Prince Charming if he came around and had a kid. Not that that doesn't suck, because it does, but the alternative would suck even more, and I know this. I lived it and I read here a lot. I can't remember the last time I saw his son. Christmas maybe? We have talked about getting married but living separately. Or just being engaged for a long time, because we both feel stupid calling each other "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." We are committed, but neither wants to live in hell LOL.

Regarding "finding the right moment," it really isn't tiring, because I don't give it a second thought until the topic of him comes up. We hardly talk about him. My time with him is limited, so the last thing I want to do is talk about his kid!

I do want things to change because it's affecting our time together. When I first posted, it was only about that. But now it's also that he's messing up his son. But since I'm largely disengaged, should I even care? If I'm only thinking about me, I see in the future a kid who will always be an issue. ALLLLLLLLWAYS. And that's not what I want... I have mostly learned not to tell anyone what to do with their child. It took me a LONG time to learn that. Even though I have been right

Trust me, I'm headed to the library! LOL I've got TONS of parenting books here, though, and I bring up topics here and there, and people in denial of what they are doing are...in denial...

He is in the process of getting his son full time because bm is diagnosed borderline personality disorder. I knew this in the beginning, so it's not like it's been sprung on me. What's so stupid is that bm failed TWO psych evals and in this case, she still got 50/50 custody (12 years ago!) She has another son only EOW/one day per week. I don't think judges understand what BPD is and how it affects children.

But yeah, I'd lose my marbles if we were living together, especially if things got worse. I actually think things are worse than I even know, since my bf doesn't tell me everything (bc I don't want to hear it) but I see things on facebook that the kid or his friends post. I've got really mixed feelings because I want to support my bf, but not at my expense. I want his son to end up okay, but again, not at my expense. I have a feeling before long he's going to need full time supervision. But I'm sure my bf won't see it...

The holding pattern sucks! But ya gotta do what ya gotta do... How many years does he have till he should launch?

In my case, I've had to change my expectations and wants to survive the limbo. I've never been in a relationship without going forward or back. It's irritating. But I love him and cherish the times we are together and that allows me to overlook a lot. But there is a line that I have to protect, and my bf tends to walk it a lot. Recently he has gone over it and that's what made me post. Four years is like a blink in the grand scheme of things; that's what I keep telling myself. But I'm also bitter because we just get older and older and the years are critical right now! LOL I've got friends who have already died...so waiting sucks.